Buckle up...

:O I have been married to my husband for 6 months now. We were friends before we started dating and dated 6 months before we got married. My husband was married before and has 3 kids. His ExW HHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEEESSSSSS me. She blames me for their divorce (he had left BEFORE we had ever talked about being more than friends. He had left her a few times prior but she smashed his stuff and turned my SK against him so he would go back). She is also not a huge fan of my husband. Go figure right? Well, she has done literally EVERYTHING to make the SK hate us. The older two are 19 and 20 so they do what they want. At first my SD (19) did the normal "I will protect my mom and stand by her so i hate you" routine off and on. The younger Ss is 15. He loved being with us until money was being thrown at him. Now he hates me and his dad, won't come over, and says its funny when his mom talks badly of us.

The ExW has made life for those kids so bad. If the older ones come over.to our home she will kick them out and be horrible. Then when my husband says something to her she tells him she never kicked them out (total BS because we helped move their stuff to OUR house... SMH) and that just because he tells lies doesnt mean people will believe him.... what?!?!(bat shit crazy) They haven't been together for well over a year now and she still has all of his stuff and refuses to give it to him (contempt of court for neglecting a court order). Denies my husband's visitation via email then tells SS that we just didn't want him. Put a no trespass on my husband so we have to sit across the street to pick him up (which no big deal since he just walks across the street but it sucks for him in the winter time) but yet she ignores it when my husband tells her NOT to come to our house and to meet halfway in a neutral location. She was here last week after asking where to come pick up SS after him spending 3 hrs of his whole weekend visitation with us. Hub said he'd meet down the road, she refused and said she was coming here. He told her no, she said she was doing what she wanted. (Then why ask?) She threatened to shoot me for talking to my SS in MY vehicle helping him with his homework. She constantly screams at all the kids, has blocked my husband's number from youngest SS phone so hub cant call him but tells us SS is ignoring us and that hub just doesn't want to talk to him. She's screwing these kids up. She follows my SD around yelling about us all the time to the point that my SD will physically leave. Just hop in her car and leave. It's sad because we just want to see the kids and we are supposed to be the bad guys while funny farm over there is a money throwing crazy ass. Shes getting married April 1 and STILL tells us hub loves her and obsesses over him and what we do together even if the kids aren't with us. Hub has to communicate through email because when ExW has our #'s she calls and texts harassing us at all hours calling names and being terrible. We have changed our #'s 3 times in the past year. She goes through SS phone records to find #'S she doesnt know and then calls to see if its us or will just scream and threaten SS until she gets it. She wont call though because it says in their divorce papers that they are ONLY to communicate through email because they are high risk parents..(means they dont get along to save anyones lives). I just dont kniw what to do #1 for my SK and #2 my hub.. the kids and hub hurt so much and it breaks my heart! She tells the kids all the time that hub is disgusting because he is 36 and i am 24. My SD told me she isn't sure why that matters since hub was 15 an and she was 22 when she got pregnant and they got married...... palm face..... what do i do? We want to keep drop off and pick up in a PUBLIC NEUTRAL place because she causes scenes and starts fights in front of SS if not but since we moved she REFUSES to pick SS anywhere but our home even after told not to come here.. Is that legal?

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You could be right, but my ex

You could be right, but my ex is 50, I am 34 and his GF is 21 - she is convinced everything is because she is "young and hot" and I am jealous, where in fact the only times I am bothered are when she does mind-numbingly stupid things (not sure if age related or IQ related!). I actually find the age difference hilarious as they look so odd and it is easier to counteract the crazy as she has less authority in the kids eyes.

Let's just say I am very

Let's just say I am very relieved to be single! I date but honestly not looking to settle down, having too much fun with friends for that! The fact he thinks I am jealous of his new love provides me with endless amusement as I was bored by him as he just wanted to sit and watch TV! I cannot imagine being with that still, let alone if I was younger.

Pretty much sums it up! Thank

Pretty much sums it up! Thank you!

I found your post a bit hard

I found your post a bit hard to follow. I think that's because you've really got a lot going on. My suggestion is to list the various issues you're facing, and then prioritize them. That way you know what to spend your time and energy on.

Here's what I got out of your post:

- Minor skid refusing to visit
- BM interfering with SS15's visitation
- BM interfering in DH's relationship with SS15
- BM threatening you with violence
- BM coming onto your property after you've refused her permission

I'm not clear on where the SDs are living, or on whether or not BM calls you guys or not - your post said she calls you all the time AND that she won't call. The other issue is the emotional toll this is taking on you.

I'd look through the list of issues for legal stuff - like her trespassing, her interfering with visitation, etc - because those you can handle through legal channels. Some, like dealing with her anger and hatred, maybe counselling to get some tools so that her crazy behaviour isn't such an issue.

Yes, if the 15yo has the

Yes, if the 15yo has the choice to exercise visitation, then recognize there's nothing to be done. If not, then it's on DH to show up and file for contempt every time BM withholds him. Or take whatever appropriate action, I don't know how it would work in your area.

And fully agree with HRNYC's 2nd point - it's far too easy to get busy with other people's drama instead of focussing on your own life and happiness. It can be difficult due to emotions involved, but it might be time to get real about the situation you're in and what it means for your own goals and dreams.

Hub does want more children.

Hub does want more children. Thank God I myself have two children (ages 2 and 3) that he loves because I had my tubes tied after the birth of my second son. Sk dont want to go to college. SS20 is getting married on April 1 as well. They are trying to get their own apartment now. SD19 is getting engaged while BM and SS20 are getting married (they are all going to Florida to Disney World. SD19 is getting engaged in front of the princess tower (: ) and then in June she will be moving to Tennessee. Where hub and I will be moving after we sell my house. Believe me i have thought of this multiple times over and over again. Is it worth it? Will it stop? Will her getting married change anything? I must add a little note that she started dating her soon to be husband a little before we told the kids about us. DH and BM both started dating as soon as he left.

^THIS^ is all extremely good

^THIS^ is all extremely good advice for dealing with a borderline's craziness. Please listen to tog - you will experience significantly less pain and grief than those of us who learned the hard way, if you do.

Thank you tog for putting it

Thank you tog for putting it so plainly regarding borderline personality disorder. I met my husband after his divorce, and married him 5 years later. Borderline hated it. Did the borderline dance, with her borderline adult daughters. Good advise for all to follow.

Wait a minute. Why would a

Wait a minute. Why would a 30 something year old MARRIED man have a 20 something year old female friend? :?

Lol... Why not? I get what

Lol... Why not? I get what you're implying... But it's not always the case that affairs are inevitable between boys and girls
(It just makes me chuckle to read that, but I'm NOT mocking you - in my work, I'm a loan female in a sea of men, so in my twenties I had many male friends who were 10-20 years older than me, one of which is an extremely close friend. Now I'm in my 30's, I'm still the youngest in the bunch, and I'm still surrounded by men. And I haven't slept with any of them. Just saying!)

I assume many wives would

I assume many wives would have a problem with this.

I wonder how many posters here would be ok with their husbands being friends with a woman 20 years younger than her.

Not that any of this excuses the ex's behavior. But it may explain where some of the craziness is coming from.

I also saw red flags when she

I also saw red flags when she brought up the friends thing but I am also surrounded by men due to work (maybe one or two women) so we're all "friends" but not /friends/. You know? So I don't know what she meant by friend. Could be just work friend or could be tell you about my marital problem friend. The second is a no-no.

This case sounds like mine except BM and DH were not married (or in a relationship other than physical) and a 40 something year old woman losing her already messed up mind because a 20 something year old caught the eye of the 30 something year old's attention AFTER the 30 something year old ended a long relationship (exGF of DH, not BM.)

Same shit, different horse.

I think it's different for

I think it's different for work friends. I have work friends that are males, 30/40/50 years old. I am 23. We are all married.

I have some of their cell #'s for when we have game nights or they do. But if we do anything outside of work, all spouses are included. I do work with one young single girl, she goes to stuff with us, but I wouldn't call it 'real friends'.

'real friends' you text whenever you feel like it. I have a best friend that if I needed to Icould text at 3 AM. Even though I am very friendly with my coworkers & like them a lot, I'm not going to text somebody's husband at an odd hour of night.... or really at all unless it has to do with "hey where are we all meeting up tonight?" "are you guys going to so & so's party?" etc.

It's kind of easy to tell the difference between an appropriate friendship and an inappropriate friendship. There was a woman my DH worked with who just rubbed me the wrong way. She wanted to hang out with DH but never wanted me to come along, wanted to do 'hands on' things like play basketball etc. I told DH I didn't like it, he quit it. Later on, she was found to be having an affair with someone elses' husband. None of his other female coworkers or clients bother me... I just had a bad feeling about her.

We did meet at work. I had

We did meet at work. I had just gone through a very terrible divorce of domestic abuse. So, clearly i was nit looking for anything. Before I had started working there (and met him) he was looking for an apartment, had told her he was leaving, and the process was started. Our work stations were very close so we talked a lot about my divorce and he would ask advice as to what to do with his kids as far as them being angry with him. He knew he would get a lot of his stuff broken but didn't care at that point because he had caught her cheating on him for the 15th time. Literally if not more. Those were the ones he knew of. So, our friendship started at work yes. But there was no affair.

There are some people who

There are some people who believe there is no such thing as a non-sexual friendship between men and women. I think that is true for some people, but that's about how they would conduct themselves or how they have been treated. Personally, I would not give up my non-sexual friendships because of someone else's fears.

I would also never date someone I thought wasn't 100% available to pursue a real, grownup relationship with me. I was just never into 'casual'. And I was never 'available' myself.

People sell themselves so short these days. (OMG, I'm not even THAT old yet!)

Wow, you've got a mess on

Wow, you've got a mess on your hands. Don't expect to be liked by the skids or viewed as anything other than Dad's midlife crisis on a good day. You're too close in age to the skids. Skids are not your friends or kids. The best you can hope for is for respect and that they don't try to split you two up.

As for bm, get a RO and call the cops everytime she violates it.

Is there even a CO with skids so old? Document every infraction within a time frame you pick. Then show the judge. Judges often don't like having their orders ignored. It's like clicker training for bms.

What do you mean about "when

What do you mean about "when judge hears or sees dads 24 YO wife, he/she will likely not be impressed?"

Is there something wrong with being 24 and married? Or do you imagine the OP to be unspeakably unattractive? Or poorly clad? I'm very curious.

There's got to be a LOT of bs

There's got to be a LOT of bs in that household though. That is just one slice of the bs pie.

AND THIS

THIS

I think dad's judgment was an

I think dad's judgment was an issue when he was 15, had sex with a 22 yo, got her pregnant, got married, and went on to have two more kids.

At his current age, it's quite normal and common to have a 10 year-ish gap. Then, not so much. So actually, his judgement in terms of partner selection has only improved in the past 20 years.

Although there may be tension from skids due to SM being close to their age, there may be tension from skids for myriad other reasons as well. Which ones are valid and which ones are normal (as in blended family normal) issues? Other than outright aggressive and disruptive conduct by a step-parent towards the skid, I think tension is expected in step situations.

A judge has to look at the situation objectively. S/he isn't going to say, "Oh, tension in the home, look at the age gap between husband and wife and skid - bad judgement displayed, punish dad!" More likely, if the skid were to report a problem with SM's age - and the only skid that would be going to court about this is the minor 15 - the judge would laugh it out of court. A 24 yo is an adult, a 15 yo is not. Not to say mature or full-functioning or capable in any way, I'm sure we've all see 15 yo who can handle themselves and 24 yo who can't. There is no legal issue with a 35 yo marrying a 24 yo, nor a 24 yo adult in the home of a minor skid 15.

And I won't judge the age gap myself, because I don't think dad should forfeit his entire life, including happiness with another adult partner, because he had sex and got his very much older gf pregnant at 15.

A horny 15 year old doesn't

A horny 15 year old doesn't have much judgement when it comes to an older woman.

I agree, there probably

I agree, there probably wasn't much judgement going on, just vulnerability.

Yes, I think she should have

Yes, I think she should have been held accountable.

I guess the families thought that getting married would make everything o.k.

I guess it didn't.

At this point i do have a

At this point i do have a very good relationship with the two older ones. They confide in me about their lives including their mother. I do not bad mouth their mother because regardless of the situation, she's their mother. I was not ignorant going into this. I knew there would be controversy related to my age but i do what i cam for them and they do come to me which I will admit does make me happy for the fact that they do trust me enough to confide in me.

That made me think Crew.

"I have been married to my

"I have been married to my husband for 6 months now. We were friends before we started dating and dated 6 months before we got married" followed later by "They haven't been together for well over a year now". Additional tidbits, ex 42, new wife 24, new wife and DH 'friends' prior to the 6 months dating and 6 months now married.

This pretty much sums up why the woman hates you...now and forever more. It'll never matter to BM how innocent it really all occurred or how much you're really not actually 'the other woman'. It will never matter how poor ex and DH's marriage may have been or anything of the sort. Nope. He had left her a few times prior to the final leaving , sure, but he had always went back. This time he left, got married and isn't coming back. Yeah, she's going to blame and hate you forever. Toss in a possible personally disorder and you've got batsh*t crazy BM forevermore.

The other above are correct. Beginning with the parts that can be changed or helped through modifying CO and possible legal restraining placed on BM is going to be needed to rein in the issue of BM being in your faces. It won't totally get rid of BM (they still share a minor teen), but it's enough to begin to calm the immediate BM storm between the adults. It won't however stop the crap BM is tossing at the skids in her home (example: chasing kids around her house badgering and screaming and threating to evict the older two).

With that said, you have to consider that two of these children aren't kids at all. They too are legal age young adults. A few short years short of your own age. They don't have to live with BM at all. Old enough to get full employment and perhaps together rent a small apartment and share expenses. They can begin to help themselves and decide for themselves what if any relationship they desire to have with either parent.

The dad is a sleazball. Why

The dad is a sleazball. Why wouldnt he have all these family problems?

How is dad a

How is dad a 'sleazeball'?

Just curious how you came to this conclusion...

Older than you?

Coooookies, sorry, I meant

Coooookies, sorry, I meant skids older than you!??! lol

I was thinking, what hell had

I was thinking, what hell had your DH gone through that he had a kid at 11 and ANOTHER one at 14!! lol!! And no wonder you found your way to a stepparent forum lol!

THANK YOU! I know exactly how

THANK YOU! I know exactly how our relationship SOUNDS. I am aware my age pisses her off or she wouldnt call me "the baby" when she talks about me. The fact is there was no affair. He left one month before he met me. I just happened to be the first person he dated after he left. We have set up a hearing for all of this for next month hopefully something changes and everything is in black and white so the SS15 doesn't have to be in the middle.

I am IN LOVE with this post!

I am IN LOVE with this post! I have been asking the same thing! His mom wanted to hurt BM but his dad agreed with it. DH found out righy before his father's passing that BM and his father had an on going affair as well.. hurt DH pretty bad

Makes you shit a green

Makes you shit a green twinkie doesn't it? DH truly has no idea if SS20 is his or not and at this point doesn't want to know. She admitted to him that it was between DH and 4 other people to be the father. I guess after that BM continued an affair with his father.. BM will proudly tell anyone she slept with HER daddy (thats what she calls him) to make sure he paid her college and never took her car from her while she was in college. DH mom and sisters were the ones who objected to the relationship between DH and BM. DH father gave the green light so she could stay around.

Definite Springer material!

:jawdrop: Definite Springer material!

I don't believe the BM's

I don't believe the BM's behavior is nor should be 'justified'. I do believe though that the age difference and the timeline contribute in intensifying the possible personally disorder running on overdrive. IMO it all comes together to make the inappropriate behavior and inability to cope and deal with the reality of it.

BM snagged this guy as a like sophomore in high school likely still every much immature and looking for no more than a Friday night quickie. The guy was no more ready for marriage and immediate responsibility of marriage and children than a 13yr old would have been. She then managed to hang on to him for almost 20yrs even though he did try and escape a few times before. She'd start her crap of PASing the kids and making threats and home again he'd run. She was displaying this same type of behavior and tactics long before OP came into the picture. But this time the guy broke clean. OP could be 19 or 24 or even 34 and this BM would still be bouncing off walls. But this 24yr old is the one who finally helped him break free. BM hates OP and the age/time thing allows BM to rack up the intensity (gives her more reasons) to particularly hate this one. OP is everything BM isn't in that she's young, stable, functioning, and living in the adult world emotionally (remember BM was screwing high school kids when BM was OP's age).

It's not the difference in

It's not the difference in age so much as the pattern of poor judgment he's shown just in this one post alone. Why is OP suprised at any of this? Did they really think there would be no backlash regarding the age difference, the timeline of the "friendship", the almost instant remarriage to a friend he suddenly fell in love with and just HAD to have right this very minute? did they not care? Or did they just not think at all?

When I was 24, no way in HELL would I get tangled in this clusterfuck. Too many young, hot, unattached guys out there. OP walked right into a hurricane and wants it to quit raining so much

This is where things get

This is where things get dicey for me because I never, not once, said BM's actions were acceptable. Frankly, I'm not even thinking about BM, because I'm too perplexed with why a young woman would attach herself to this monstrosity of a relationship. And please don't tell me "love" because that's just not a good reason.

No, it's not. He obviously

No, it's not. He obviously picked a sleazeball to be the mother of his THREE children. Does that make you happy? More importantly, does that make OP's misery any less?

We did care. We talked with

We did care. We talked with them and in the beginning things actually were decent when BM wasn't making them feel guilty for being around us. I will say... again.. there was no affair. On his end. He had left one month prior to meeting me because he had found out that SHE had cheated on HIM yet again. I was fully aware of what I was getting into as far as how she would treat HIM. NOT the kids.

I'm sorry, I completely

I'm sorry, I completely disagree. I have several male friends who are 10+ years older than me that I've known since I was 21 (I'm 32 now). I didn't sleep with our flirt with any of them while I was single or otherwise. One of my closest guy friends is, drum roll please, 71. I've known him since I was a teen and our relationship matured as I got older, (more adult friendship, less uncle type) but guess what? NO HANKY PANKY there either.

We didnt know the full extent

We didnt know the full extent of how she would be. He had his children CLEARLY very young. I am very close in age to my SK which oddly enough works for them because they feel they can talk to me. Even SS15 who is up and down with when he likes us. Even when he doesn't want to be around us because of BM he calls and talks to me. BM did used to call all the time but stopped after the third # change and the threat of a RO. Hell she emails DH from her fiances email to start problems there to get DH to retaliate. DH wont. She has made it clear her goal is to put him in jail. BM has told SS15 that soon he will be able to spend his visitation with his daddy with a glass window between them. Awesome sauce, mom! I know that because SS15 (or rather all sk) live with her that they will tell her things she wants to hear and since SS15 has no way to leave and doesn't have the freedom the other two do he feels he has to do things that will make her happy. She stands by him while he talks to DH and makes sure he tells him to tell DH he will not be coming (we have it recorded.. she's far from quiet when she does this but thinks she's a stealthy shit) my SS15 is in counseling and has told his counselor she makes him feel bad about himself and has considered suiside.. (emergency custody hearing is in 15 days) My exH physically and verbally abused me including raping me while my son was laying a foot from me IN the bed. Before he asked to sign off on my sons I still put my children first and never fought him with anything. I got what i wanted and that was to be free of him. As shitty as a husband as he was, he was a good father when he actually saw the kids. He has not seen them in 7 months. If DH was a "Sleazeball" he would not be adopting my BK. He would not be going bankrupt fighting FOR his children and WE would not be each working two jobs to support ALL our children. After he pays support (yep "sleazeball" pays support) he still goes and does what he can for all the kids and the grand baby... forgot that part... SD19 has a one year old daughter.
One poster asked me why I stay and go through this. What is being directed at ME is nothing honey. I've gone to hell and back with my ExH. What she does and says to ME is cake. What she does to my SK and DH does hurt me. You say you wouldn't believe Love to be an answer? Sorry to disappoint my dear but that's the exact reason. I love them all. If i can be their anchor and help the SK feel happy and relaxed then yes REGARDLESS OF MY AGE i will deal with some crazy because BM doesn't define who DH is. HIS actions do. Leaving a bad situation doesn't make you a Sleazeball. Now being a shit parent does.

Keepitsimplestupid, Actually

Keepitsimplestupid,
Actually yes i was and am a firm believer in birth control especially since i was in the air force when I got pregnant ON THE PILL. Yes i did get divorced because my ex changed drastically after "i do" and his main hobby was beating me and raping me. As I have stated in other posts when I met DH i had NO intrest in getting involved with anyone let alone getting married. But when you find that person you just know. I also must add that BM was on birth control but would take herself off of it to get pregnant so DH would stay.

SHE wants to put HIM in

SHE wants to put HIM in jail??

That's funny!

'Do unto others as you would have done unto you'. I hope she's not religious, because according to this, she would be going against God...being that HE didn't do that to HER when he could have.

I'm not very religious, but you don't have to be to know right from wrong. :?

BM claims to be religious now

BM claims to be religious now since her fiances parents are. In the past three months (she started her religious kick then) shes been to church twice and hasnt touched her Bible. She doesn't do a whole lot of anything. She works third shift so if shes not sleeping all day making the skids do all the cooking and cleaning (SS20 and SD19 BOTH also work full time. Ss first shift and sd 3rd.) On the weekends she goes shopping and goes to dinner with her fiance and his two small children. Never the skids. Before she knew i had a house of my own, she would talk about how she had everything of hers paid off and had her own home.. it used to make DH furious because everything she has he paid for with money he inherited from his mother passing. DH had 17,000 in the bank after they bought everything and when he went to leave her she took it all in her own account. She's kept all of his parents belongings as well as DH own. She would have kept both of their ashes (both of DH parents were cremated) if DH hadnt of reminded her that his mither hated her for being a child molestor and he had to go to court for his father's.

Do yourself a huge favor and

Do yourself a huge favor and try to stay out of this mess as much as you can! Pretend, if possible, that BM doesn't even exist. Thank goodness your SKs are adults as this should make it easier.

Holy crap, it's a crap-fest!

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