Your FDH needs to learn that there are times you do need to come first. Even parents who do not divorce have to make each other a priority sometimes to strengthen their marriage. Have you thought about going to pre-marital counseling?

Dont take it from me as I am in a shitty spot right now, but DH and I have married since October and everything that was "bad" before, has been somewhat worse. Not 100% of the time but enough to affect our marriage.

Even though I made it 100% clear I would not tolerate abuse from his skids and I am disengaged the day after we got married he thought because we were married that I would somehow change my mind. He pushed it on me so much. Started our marriage off with resentment on my part in some ways.

No real advice. Just think things through. Even with what I know now I still would have went through with the wedding but I am a dumb ass and I think I like to punish myself for some unknown reason

This is why people with kids should not get remarried.

His son is 12. Of course he is going to go to all of his events. I tried to go to ALL of my kids events. I certainly was not going to miss out on my kids functions because someone else wanted me to. We only get our kids for a short time, so I spent all the time I could with them.

Your DH only has 4-6 more years of being able to go to these events for his kid. You will either need to realize that, or not get married. He is not going to bump his kids events just because you want to make him not go and spend time with you. And IMHO, he should not.

You are only second because you are making yourself feel that way by putting him in a kid sports or me scenario. To me, I see it no differently than if your FDH said to you, your job or me (or pick something important to you). IMO, it's not fair. You don't have to go if you don't want to, but, if it were me, I would.

For some, it's a matter of differences in upbringing. For me, when I was growing up, my parents never missed one single event. Never. My dad coached me and my mom never missed. So, I see it as important to a child to have their parents (and significant others, if they so choose) support them. Now, if you're FDH was telling you that you couldn't go because it will make BM mad or whatever, I would feel differently.

Perhaps, you grew up differently. Maybe you weren't involved in anything or maybe you were involved a lot and your parents did not attend every single thing.

Many on here will disagree with me and that' s ok, but I feel if a kid is involved in something his parents need to go. BM and I don't speak at all. She badmouths me constantly. She doesn't speak to my FDH. She's all around terrible. We still go to every event. I, personally, am happy to go and support my FSKS.

hmmmm I'm on the fence on this one. I'm not sure of your full situation or history, so maybe DH DOES put you on the back burner, but I don't think that him wanting to be present for his sons activities means he is putting you aside. He wants you to go with him because it means you will be spending time together. I would not at all be offended if SO wanted to go 3 nights a week to something for SD. Heck I go to my 2 nieces baseball and T-ball games every week on Mondays and Wednesdays.
I think in this particular instance you shouldn't be offended. Just take it that he wants to be present for his kid. There are many fathers out there who it wouldn't even cross their mind to attend kid activities. Be thankful that he wants to be and is allowed to be involved with his child.
I believe that his wife should be his number 1 priority. Hands down. But I think you might be over-reacting in this instance. Because he wants to go watch his son play baseball doesn't mean that you are not his number 1. I dunno. Just my opinion

I agree with Willow to an extent ("Of course he is going to go to all of his events. I tried to go to ALL of my kids events. I certainly was not going to miss out on my kids functions because someone else wanted me to. We only get our kids for a short time, so I spent all the time I could with them.")

But then I think, OMG - what happens when one day my kids grown up and have their own lives? Completely separate from me? On their own, being the responsible and happy adults I always envisioned?

And that's where I stop agreeing with Willow.

I think I'd sure wished I'd taken time to invest in an adult relationship for myself when a loving peer-adult presented themselves, and wanted to have a healthy relationship with me.

Your DF sounds like he's making this an "all or nothing" choice for you (either you accept his time will "all" be spent with his son or you can walk away). It isn't that at all. It can be a compromise. People have done it. The question is, does your DF "want" to compromise?

Then you should do those things. And let him support his son. And don't be resentful about it. It's your choice not to go. It's his choice to go. I agree with you on doing some soul searching and deciding if this is really what you want. Perhaps you should talk to your FDH about what things will look like when you have a child together and see if you can live with it. For instance, my FDH and I had the discussion earlier this week about what it would look like when we had an ours baby. What if our baby was involved in something and Skids were involved in something on the same day. He said he would have to divide his time and if BM was taking the kids to their event, he would be going to our child's event. But when BM was not taking the kids to their event, he would have to take the kids to theirs and I would have to take our child to his or hers event. I, personally, was satisfied with this. Others may not be.

In the meantime, we don't have another child and there is no reason, IMO for him not to go. And I don't feel like I am in the position to control what he does or does not do in regards to his children. I can choose not to go or I can choose to go. I, personally, choose to go.

And I am one of those people, just a stepparent, who actually enjoys it.

(My FSKIDS are 4 and 6)

I agree with your FDH. Now don't get me wrong, I am the first one to get my panties in a bunch when I feel like our world revolves around SD16 and what sport she is playing, what friends she wants to go to, blah blah blah....I am the first one to get my panties in a bunch when for the past 4 years when DH would be shuffling out the door with SD to some practice or game or something that I either could not go to or flat out did not WANT to go to while I sat home by myself. It DOES feel I he is choosing his kid over you.

But it's really NOT the way it is. I have a little more understanding of it now, because we have BS4 and I can promise you that there won't be much that will keep me away from any sport that BS is playing, from any school event that BS is having. BS4 is the love of my life, my first, last and only rodeo so I plan on being as involved as I can and enjoying every moment that I can with him.

I guess I would not see this as a hill to die on or a reason to not get married. If anything I would see it as your FDH showing you what a great, involved father he is going to be to YOUR future kids

I agree with Willow. I went to every one of my son's events when he was growing up. If anyone had tried to stop me they would have been left at the house, I didn't care. I think you need to look at how your FDH treats you outside of SS activities? Does he try to make time for you and him when it's not ball season? On the nights that SS don't have a game does he spend it with you, do you feel #1 then? I don't personally go for the kids should always be #1, I think it should be God, spouse, kids, but there are some things, like kid activities, that will not last forever so if you really love him and things are good except during ball season I wouldn't make a big deal out it. If you don't want to go and have other things to do then just don't go. I don't go to all of my SD activities when my DH goes. I look forward to those nights of some ME time!! I take a hot bath, have a glass of wine, read a magazine.

Meh. I think this is a made-up argument. Not that you invented the story! Just that this is a topic to argue about when the issue is underneath.

Your FDH's idea of a 'perfect' family and/or wife is where the focus is on the kid. Lots of parents are like that. It seems that your idea for your family life is to put the family focus on the adult relationship. (My personal values are that the adult relationship comes first, and a lot of happy parents and kids result from that option too. But I'm not making judgements here, just polarizing the differences.)

I think if SS was your kid, the conflict wouldn't come up. But since he's not, now you know that your relationship with your FDH is less important to him than you want it to be. What you do with that information is up to you.

He's gone to 2 games already this week and he's going to scouts on thursday night..I'm just asking for tonight.. I don't see it as an ultimatum at all to ask that he skip 1 of 3 games in a week so that he and I can have some adult time together.
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Let me try to put this in perspective for you. You have your child. You WILL love her like you could NEVER imagine. She has 3 games one week. Would you stay away from your childs game just so you could spend time with your DH away from her?

So there's two completely different perspectives on this one issue:

Either it's ok to live vicariously through your children and prioritize kids' desires and wishes and activities over the adults in the home

OR

It's ok to be the best parent you can be, which means telling a kid "no, can't make your game tonight" once in a while without the world crashing in around everyone

Ok, I'm exaggerating my point there. (Please disregard my snottiness. Stalkers made me get my period this week and I'm crabby. See related "cycling-blog" by askYOURdad)

Which side best describes you, Lola? Only you know yourself well enough to answer that.

Either it's ok to live vicariously through your children and prioritize kids' desires and wishes and activities over the adults in the home

OR

It's ok to be the best parent you can be, which means telling a kid "no, can't make your game tonight" once in a while without the world crashing in around everyone
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Even though I totally disagree with you on this. I had to LOL!! And at the rest of your post.

To me, you're right on the money on how your FDH thinks. Sounds like SS12 is his number one priority. I would think long and hard about getting married.

I saw the warning sign and was upset and tried to work it out with DH. It would be good for awhile and then go back to same old crap. DH's kids are number 1 in his life. He goes to every activity there is whether it's his weekend or not. I'm always last to work, business trips, skids stuff, BM flare ups etc. I'm dead last.

Think about it before you marry him.

I was recently interviewed as part of a study into support systems for new parents in my (new) country. The study was to investigate what support new parents really need.

One of the questions was: Did your relationship with your partner change after having your baby?

For the child-centred parents, I'm sure it did/does, dramatically. Because now the reason that the parents got together has been born - and is and will remain the focus of their lives.

For me and my partner, not really. The content of our conversations has changed (omg, poops, pukes and drools have never been discussed so much, and we had cats before the baby too!) but the relationship we have with each other remains what it was.

It's a value thing. My value of tolerance says, go be the kind of partner and parent you think is right WITH a partner who shares your values. My value of happiness says, sacrificing an adult relationship to focus on having or raising a child won't make me happy, but neither would failing to provide my child with a loving home to teach them about the rest of the world.

Even if my DH and I ever split, I would never be a child-focussed parent. I love my daughter and would do anything for her happiness. I just don't think the way to teach her about happiness is to give her everything or be her everything.