A Part of Me Died on the Weekend.
SS was with us. DW wanted to take the opportunity to go visit her parents. We hardly get to see them (they live in the neighboring state). So we packed the kids and off we went to spend the weekend with them.
Now I love my in-laws. DW’s brother and sister came to visit too with their children so it was good chance for the kids to play with their cousins.
Dinner-time came around and SS's uncle and sister started asking him questions about school. SS would answer them in one-word responses. So DW felt the need to jump in to wax poetic.
DW: “Oh SS can’t do any sports on account that he has a tutor now that is working closely with him. He is studying really hard!”
Uh, let's forget the fact that before the tutor came into the picture, SS wasn't doing ANY extra curricular activity at all....apart from playing video games which is not allowed to do but does anyways
Somehow the subject of SS’s girlfriend came up. Naturally SS’s aunt and uncle were curious about her so they were asking him questions about that. Again, SS was mum on the subject. To be honest, I don’t even know if SS is still going out with Vicky. He hasn’t said anything about her since Christmas when he asked DW if she could buy a present for Vicky that he can give to her
I don't know what is more fucked up. A teen asking his Mom to buy a present for his girlfriend for him or the mother actually agreeing to do so..
The kids finished eating and asked to be excused so the table was left with just us adults. Somehow, the subject turned to maturity.
I said “SS shows some level of maturity, but a great part of him still wants to be nurtured and coddled.”
My FIL actually nodded in agreement with me, but DW immediately lashed out.
“Would you stop exaggerating Drac0! I find you’re really harsh on him!”
The table fell eerily silent.
FIL made a joke to try and lighten the mood but I just kept my head down. DW shut me down and she was successful. It would do no one any good for me to say anything further so I stayed quiet the rest of the night.
SS's aunt then says. “Well at least SS is nice and tall….”
That's when I looked up.
Oh my god! Did I hear that right?
The group then starting talking about how great it is that SS is tall and that how all our great leaders were tall people….
Are you people fucking KIDDING ME!?!? Bereft of anything positive to say about SS you are going to glorify SS, because of his HEIGHT!?!?
“Yes well he gets that from Donkeykong. He is a really tall guy…” Says uncle
:jawdrop:
Right then and there. That’s when I felt a part of me die. Seriously, I spent most of the rest of the evening hiding in the bathroom because I thought I was going to be sick!
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Comments
Wow. His lone good quality is
Wow. His lone good quality is his height...glad everyone could agree on that, at least.
Have you considered disengaging from SS? I have done that with my three selfish, entitled, ungrateful skids.
I still care about them, mind you, and I'm very good to them, but I have accepted that I am not responsible for the kind of people they are, or they kind of people they become.
You will be surprised how little exchanges like the one you recounted above bother you, after you have truly disengaged.
Just putting it out there; I don't know your back story, so please don't be offended if that's not something you're interested in and/or able to do.
To answer your question, I am
To answer your question, I am "partially" disengaged from SS. By that, I mean I have chosen two things about his upbringing that I will not back down on and I swore to DW that I will burn the house down before I back away from my involvement. Those two things are "table manners" and "education". They are both uphill battles, but I am very involved in getting SS to succeed in both those areas. Everything else, (like bedtimes) I completely ignore SS. If DW lets SS stay up until the crack of dawm playing video games, I say nothing...
>I'd tell him he's going to
>I'd tell him he's going to need some coddling, after I get through kicking his ass.<
...and then rack up a huge credit card bill?
Can't wait to see what
Can't wait to see what torture you'd unleash on your husband in my future blogs.
"I'd pour radioactive waste into my husband's aftershave lotion!"
Poor hubby.
Agree with SA.
Agree with SA.
I said “SS shows some level
I said “SS shows some level of maturity, but a great part of him still wants to be nurtured and coddled.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
UH OH! You said this in front of DW's family? Honestly, I can see why she got defensive. No one likes to hear bad things about their kids. And especially in front of people that she has a shot of making SS look good.
My in-laws happen to agree
My in-laws happen to agree with me, but they think it is "normal" for a teenager. That being said, yeah....I said that...I really should just learn to shelve my intellect and reason and just sing the party line.
"SS is great!"
"SS is tall!"
Ignorance truly is bliss.
"SS is great!" "SS is tall!"
"SS is great!"
"SS is tall!"
It wasn't even criticism. It
It wasn't even criticism. It was an observation (An observation already voiced I might add)
You're projecting yourself into my situation with knee jerk reactions to how you would terrorize your husband in a similar situation does not constitute as a worthy comment and only makes me worry for your husband.
There. That right there was criticism.
See the difference?
Now you are re-writing my
Now you are re-writing my blog....
I wrote that SS still WANTS to be coddled.
My world didn't fall apart. I was sickened and disgusted by the in-laws praising SS's height like it's his only redeeming quality.
I think you were wrong
I think you were wrong Draco.
While what you said about SS may be entirely true, you shouldn't have said it in front of DWs entire family. We all have a tendency to talk up our kids to other people, especially people we want approval from. My guess would be that DW doesn't want her parents to see her as a poor parent or see SS as a poor grandchild. If they live in the neighboring state I'm guessing they aren't around for the day to day grind, what's wrong with them thinking SS is a little bit better than he is? It's not like they are really enabling his behavior.
If you truly do think what you said is accurate, that is a conversation for you and DW in a setting where you can come to a productive outcome, embarrassing her in front of her parenting couldn't have triggered anything other than a defensive reaction.
>embarrassing her in front of
>embarrassing her in front of her parenting couldn't have triggered anything other than a defensive reaction.<
But that's part of the delima. I didn't feel I was embarrassing DW because my in-laws KNOW the truth about SS. I even said the exact same thing to DW a week earlier and she agreed with me! But what made me physically ill, is when it was very clear to everyone that the only "good" thing everyone could say about SS was his height.
That to me is like saying, "This girl is great because she is pretty."
I feel like I wandered into
I feel like I wandered into that episode of WKRP in Cincinnati where there was a documentary being done on Herb (the sale's guy). He's a major jackass on the show, but because there is a documentary being done on him everybody is covering up for him.
"Great guy! Hard Worker! Sales-guy extraordinaire!"
Problem is, because everyone said the EXACT SAME THING, the people doing the documentary knew something was up so they dug a little deeper....
Thanks! And yeah....BIG
Thanks! And yeah....BIG lesson learned here for me too!
"SS is great! SS is tall!"
Seems pretty easy for me to remember!
WIN!!!
WIN!!!
Don't get me wrong, I agree
Don't get me wrong, I agree that it is utterly ridiculous talking about how great it is that he is tall! :sick:
You said you brought it up to DW a week earlier and she agreed, I can understand why you thought it was harmless to mention it again but when it was in front of other people she got defensive. I think that is pretty normal. I do agree with Lady that she probably deep down knows that what you said is true and it struck a nerve. I just don't blame her for not wanting to have that conversation in front of other family members.
Earlier when FIL and I were
Earlier when FIL and I were talking about BD, FIL remarked how great and outgoing she is. I said, "Yes. She truly is a great daughter...I just wished she was potty-trained by now!" DW overheard me and agreed with me there.
So to me, there is an obvious double standard. It is okay to talk about how great my bio's are and point out their flaws to the in-laws. I cannot do that with SS. With SS, I am only allowed to sing high praises (and judging by some of the comments, I cannot do otherwise because he is not my blood).
Here's MY rules. I can (and
Here's MY rules.
I can (and should) be open and honest with family.
So yeah, I am having a hard time with this. Hence why I am buying extra large cue cards and writing the words
"SS is Great!"
"SS is Tall!"
As reminders of what I am only allowed to say at the in-laws...
See? This is PRECISELY why SS
See? This is PRECISELY why SS will never achieve his full potential.
Actually, with each passing day I am more and more convinced that SS won't achieve anything at ALL.
All this talk about "feelings".
"Oh we can't punish him, that will hurt his feelings."
"Oh we can't make him do more chores. What about his feelings?"
"We can't push him to excel. He's too sensitive. We have to be mindful of his feelings"
As for my wife's feelings...Well, if what I said to her actually hurt her, she could have bloody well said SOMETHING to me, but she didn't. I've always been respectful to my wife, but unless she speaks up (and trust me, SHE CAN speak up) I will have no clue that what I have said has hurt and I refuse to believe that what I said about SS at a family gathering is inappropriate. I have said the EXACT same thing to SS's teachers, and the child psychologist, and (most recently) SS's tutor, and everyone has nodded their head in agreement. DW was even present at each of these. DW saying "Drac0, you exaggerate" is par for the course in her drive for guilty parenting.
Does DW feelings count? Do my feelings count? Does it really matter at this point? DW and her parents are content at keeping their heads in the sand. When the day comes when SS trully messes up (and it will come) rest assured I will keep my trap shut. Wouldn't want to hurt anyone's "feelings".
But what made me physically
But what made me physically ill, is when it was very clear to everyone that the only "good" thing everyone could say about SS was his height.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Playing devils advocate here....maybe they thought you would shoot down any praise on SS and the height thing would be very hard for you to shoot down because it is actually true?....
I don't know. I mean, my
I don't know. I mean, my in-laws are actually bright people so it kind of shocked me to hear them actually espousing the benefits of being tall. "Being tall" is right up there with "being smart", "having a good education" and "having a good job."
Didn't you HEAR that the new
Didn't you HEAR that the new federal law states that all men over a certain height will automatically receive an extra 5% raise per year at whatever jobs they happen to have? Or 5% increase in entitlement benefits if they are living off the government.
I've been around many of
I've been around many of these conversations, they make me physically ill because she's mean, manipulative and she's a liar. "She's just a kid" :jawdrop: Is HER families excuse for everything, FDH's as well. I know I'm the outsider and my "realistic" comments (not even rude or negative) about her has never been taken well, EVER. I have learned to keep my mouth shut. I'm not the type of person to keep my mouth shut so it's been difficult but it's the only way I can survive in this relationship- We don't see in laws much and only have big family gatherings only on holidays so it's not too bad. But that is what I have learned to do.
I don't think you were wrong for what you said, you were being honest. DW should've handled that differently, but maybe save your honesty for different company, even when you know they agree with you, it just looks like you are negative on SS. I totally get it, I've learned the hard way though.
and now I've learned the hard
and now I've learned the hard way
Point is well taken though...Next time we visit the inlaws, I'll be sure to bring my cue cards with me with the words "SS is great! SS is tall!" written in bold with my trusty Sharpie!
I'm hoping it won't be tough
I'm hoping it won't be tough for me....
Urm...
Maybe I'll need bigger cue cards?
How about, "Well, he hasn't
How about, "Well, he hasn't KILLED anyone. That's a good thing!"
Haha, LOL. I've learned to
Haha, LOL. I've learned to not acknowledge it, choose that time to put my lipgloss on or find something to busy myself with or just smile.
, She's so pretty, She's really been working alot" etc........ They know how she is, they just choose to turn a blind eye to it
It's funny because with SD16 they compliment all her physical attributes as well because she's manipulative brat who goes there complaining about me looking for pity and trying to rally against FDH and I. It did work but I think they are finally coming around. They say "She's so tall
At least you have two things
At least you have two things on you can put on the cards.
WOW! He's GREAT and TALL! No
WOW! He's GREAT and TALL! No one ever said that about my kids, all I got was "well behaved", "smart", "considerate", "good student", "caring" etc etc... lol
LOL! See? My Step-son *Could*
LOL!
See? My Step-son *Could* be "well behaved", "smart", "considerate", "good student", "caring", etc. but for the most part choses not to.
He's like the Quentin Tarantino of teenagers.
"I *CAN* make a good movie, I just choose not to..."
Funny!
This wasn't said in front of
This wasn't said in front of children... it was said in front of other adults. Now we have to shield other adults from the truth because it may hurt their feelings?
Nope. Honest conversations are the way to go.
For people who value truth, the social pleasantry bullcrap (censoring yourself and your reality) goes against our values. It sucks that we have to do this at work or with strangers...but with family? Totally annoying.
Also, I think that a lot of
Also, I think that a lot of the stuff that we try to shield our families from would be better off talked about in that loving environment. Why are we so worried about appearances with the people who literally wiped our butts? Pride and ego strike again.
Imagine if you could actually talk to wise parents/in-laws/aunts/uncles/cousins about the issues you face in your family. How many of us would benefit from having honest conversations with people who care about us and have been there/done that?
But instead, we keep it inside...struggling in silence and paying therapists...when the real goldmine of knowledge might be inside of those those closest to us...waiting to be discovered if we stopped trying to "look good" for others and just got real.
I always have very frank and
I always have very frank and open discussions with my own parents on the subject of raising children. Granted my Dad and I don't always see eye-to-eye on certain issues, but at least the conversation takes place...
With my in-laws, I learned the hard way that having such honest conversations is not appropriate. Children are to be treated like trophies or "trained seals" in order to amuse my in-laws and impress the aunts and uncles.
Any real parental "advice" that my in-laws share with me is glossed over as anecdotal funny stories of a bygone era and....OOOH look! SS is pretending to be that silly guy from his favorite cartoon again. Isn't he such a great kid? He's nice and tall too....
There. I'm converted.
I've seen what over-coddling
I've seen what over-coddling can do to a person. My BIL is 35 and has lived on his own for exactly 8 months of his life. Otherwise, he lived with my DH (prior to us moving in together, of course) or my MIL or FIL. Poor child of divorce!
He is an alcoholic as well as some kind of drug addict who is working on his third assault charge in the last year (at least this one is against a MAN instead of women like the last two).
The SFIL has put his foot down on MIL's coddling and enabling of him but FIL is still going strong at 60-some years old, even paying for lawyers that he really can't afford so that poor-widdle BIL won't have to spend too much time in that scary JAIL that he cries about going to.
>If his new wife had
>If his new wife had something to say about my nephew, I can't help but think that she should keep her mouth shut, even if there was some truth to it.<
I cannot prescribe to this mentality. That is like saying that if my company hires a consultant they should have no say in our meetings because they are technically "outsiders". When I chose my DW to be my wife, I did so not just because I love her but because I see us building our futures together. Part of being able to do that is to encourage and listen to your partner's opinions on things.
Now I will shut up when it comes to SS, but not for the reasons you prescribe to. I am not an outsider, nor will I ever consider an in-law to be an outsider. Family is FAMILY.
No, What I am saying is that
No, What I am saying is that it is the height of lunacy for us step-parents to come one here to complain about not being treated as equals when it comes to these matters and you advocate that I shut-up *because* I am a step and therefore NOT an equal.
The double standards exhibited on these forums is quite bewildering sometimes.
Love this!!! Wish I would
Love this!!! Wish I would have had this years ago.