Will Somebody Please Explain "Disengagement" to Me???
I see a lot of people say they've "disengaged" from their stepchildren and it has helped a lot of them. I guess I'm just confused as to what it means.
Are you talking about not acknowledging their presence at all? Not doing stuff for them? Not caring what DH does with/for/about them? What exactly does it mean?
How does it help?
And how does it affect your marriage?
Researching for another book and don't know how to feel about this thing called "Disengagement."
- katielee's blog
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How long is a piece of
How long is a piece of string? It's different for everyone and everyone's disengagement style is different. Hasn't affected my marriage. It helps because my SDs are entitled, combative, high maintenance drama queens, and to remain engaged with all that crap would have seriously affected my health and well being. DH acknowledges what they are like and accepts my disengagement, although he wishes it would have been different. Nothing I can do about that. Wasn't my choice - I would have made a relationship with them AND their mother if she had just behaved like a human being.
I didn't do ANY stuff for them except the odd meal. He would take them out and about EOW when they were here, typical Disney Dad, I would never join in. Got up my nose quite a bit as I was on my own. They now think he is the money tree and they just have to shake it. Causing major problems as CS is coming to an end.
You're kids think I dont like
You're kids think I dont like them?
Well Fuck, sorry your special little snowflakes are uncomfortable. Far be it for me to not be a perfect brady bunch step mom. Life sucks, get a helmet.
Oh my, my, my Life sucks, get
Oh my, my, my Life sucks, get a helmet.
Not only did I lol, I added it to my repertoire of retorts for future use. hahahahahahahahahahahaha
Thank Denis Leary for that
Thank Denis Leary for that one
"Oh your life didn't turn out the way you planned? Hey, join the fucking club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox! Life sucks, get a fucking helmet!" Denis Leary from No Cure for Cancer.
I get the same response "they
I get the same response "they know when they aren't wanted" bull crap.
Well maybe if you actually PARENTED then instead of wanting to be their friend so they learned manners and how to act properly, they would be wanted.
It just gets met with eye rolling here.
:?
As the other's have said,
As the other's have said, it's different for everyone.
I do what I am comfortable with and I allow DH to be the parent even if it means I roll my eyes or the skids eat cookies for breakfast sometimes. I pick my battles. DH does the majority of the discipline unless of course there is an immediate safety issue or they are about to just do something stupid. I engage more if the skids are in my care only, but if DH is around I don't step in on things he should handle.
Cool... thank you all. This
Cool... thank you all. This helps tremendously. So basically the only rules for disengagement are the rules made up by the STEPMOM and what she wants? I like that. I like that a lot:)
Now that I've read what everybody wrote, I think I have disengaged at times. I am only nice to SD12 if she's nice to me. If she's not, I feel no guilt whatsoever for ignoring her.
If she pretends I'm invisible, I become so invisible she misses me like hell.
If she acts like an idiot at the store because I won't buy that low-cut blouse, then I no longer buy clothing for her (her dad has to do it and this rule is still in effect.)
I don't worry about what she wants for dinner. I cook every night. She eats or she doesn't... I don't care. I do keep boxes of mac and cheese that I taught her to prepare.
So is this a type of disengagement on my part?
Sounds like disengagement to
Sounds like disengagement to me katielee. It's up to YOU to decide what is acceptable to you.
I disengaged with SS10 and SS12 probably over a year ago, but the thing with my BF is that he doesn't mind being at their beck and call and doing whatever he can for them. Cook 2 meals because the kids don't like what we're having? Sure, no problem. Want dad to come and pick up your dirty dishes or flush the toilet that you and your sister use because you're too busy playing video games? Sure, no problem. Want dad to go out of his way, in the middle of my work day to pick you up because you just can't wait an extra 2 hours to come over at the same time as your sister? Sure, no problem. So here, BF doesn't care because he does it all anyway.
I just can't stand the babying of the kids and doing everything for them so they don't have to lift a finger so yep, as long as they are going to act like that, you're right, I DON'T want them around! }:) I mean, not even being able to flush the toilet on your own???? COME ON! :sick:
I no longer care. The boy will walk right past me and not say a word and I do the same. I act like they aren't even in the room when they come in and do nothing for them.
your bf sounds like dh the
your bf sounds like dh
the only difference is the boys are (mostly) not gross and actually have great personalities!
dh knows what i will and will not handle, and he's good with doing it himself as that's his chosen way. no biggie, it actually makes things run smoothly!!
When BM was still involved I
When BM was still involved I disengaged from SD for a time. Which for me meant when she was with us I made sure she had a meal if I was the only adult home. But for the most part I required her to be in the care of one of her parents. I communicated with her at a minimum. I cut all communication with BM and got an order of protection against her. I didn't do anything. My DH understood what was going on and he didn't care. He actually tried to drop SD and her stuff of to BM but she wouldn't even let her in. It did not negatively affect my relationship. It made his life a bit harder.
I wish I had disengaged many
I wish I had disengaged many many years ago. I wish I hadn't tried to give my skids every time I did something for my own. They had two parents. Mine were not even receiving child support. I worked three jobs. I wish I had not been so afraid of DH's weekend warrior bluff that I basically tiptoed on eggshells when his kids were around, expected my kids to do the same...because above all they must not be "upset"... in other words, whatever they said, whatever they did was to be a-ok. Because after all, they were at daddy's for the weekend and all must go very very smooth and be "quality time". I wish I had stood up to them when they were rude to me, my kids, my family. I wish I had told DH to find the door and not look back if he couldn't parent the brats.
I didn't. So...they both showed the proverbial a...s a couple of years ago. Mind you- these two are nearing forty now. And finally. I had enough. I quit. It took a toll on the marriage, yes. For over a year I really didn't know if we were going to make it or not... because I was not going to sweep the behavior of middle-aged adults under the rug. And DH couldn't get it thru his head that it was never again going to be status quo.
At any rate...I think he finally "gets" it. While I am sad for him that we don't have the "Brady Bunch" I can honestly say I gave it every ounce of everything I had to give for YEARS. And he knows it. And I am DONE.
THAT is disengagement for me. They wrote way too many checks on my emotional account without making any deposits.