Halloween - Follow up
So I forgot to post about this last weekend, but as a follow up, I finally had to conversation with DW about Halloween and I think it turned out ok after some discussion.
I told her that I wanted to bring it up now instead of a week before Halloween, but that I absolutely do not want BioDad coming to our house for Halloween anymore.
DW stops what she is doing and says "Ok...."
I told her that it is incredibly uncomfortable and unfair to me to put me in the position every year of having to share that pseudo-holiday with him and his family. I explained that I want to go trick or treating with my son without having him around. I want it to be our family.
DW: "So you don't want SD with us?"
I rephrase, "No, I don't want BioDad with us. Or his GF. Or his GF's child. They have their own 'family' and we have ours." I explain again how uncomfortable it is and that there are other solutions. Option 1 is to take pictures at one house and then the parent can take SD to the other house for trick or treating. Option 2 is to alternate years.
DW says she doesn't want to do option 1 because it would just be too much driving (nevermind that BioDad lives less than a mile from us and the drive is literally five minutes). She also says she's not really keen on option #2 but that is the way she thinks we should go.
Then, oh boy.
DW: "Well do you mind if on BioDad's years he comes and parks his car in our driveway so SD and GF's daughter can trick-or-treat in our neighborhood."
Me: "Yes I mind! That is exactly the problem!"
DW: "Well he doesn't have to go with us, just park here."
Me: "Ok, do you honestly think he is just going to park here and that SD isn't going to want to come inside either before or after trick or treating? So then I'm in the same position of awkwardness as before. BioDad is spending time with us, in our house, and his presence is being forced on me again. Not to mention that BioDad does not live in this neighborhood, doesn't pay the HOA fees, etc. Why should he get the benefits of living in the neighborhood that we pay for?"
DW: "I just don't want SD doing it at his house. His apartment complex is shady. I want SD to be safe."
Me: "Ok, lets think about this. Does BioDad let SD trick or treat by herself? No. He goes with her. Also, why is it our job to let him do it with her here? Why can't he research and find a safe neighborhood to take her to? Again, this is our family, not his and I'm not going to share my trick or treating time with BS with Biodad around. And if you are so worried for SD while in the care of BioDad maybe you need to reevaluate your custody arrangements."
DW: "It's just safer here."
Me: "No shit, but again he needs to be a parent and figure things out on his own. The alternative if you insist on him coming is that I'm going to take BS3 by myself before they get here and you can go with him. Is that fair to BS3? Hell, is that fair to SD? She likes to trick or treat with her brother."
DW: "That's not fair to me."
Me: "Again, no shit. But is it fair to me to force me to spend my halloween with your ex-husband every year?"
DW: "No, you are right. I will talk to BioDad and we'll figure out a plan for alternating years."
So, thank freaking god. It remains to be seen if this conversation with BioDad will actually happen, but at least she knows now I'm going to take BS3 out alone if it doesn't happen.
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No. SD is 7, almost 8. GF's
No. SD is 7, almost 8. GF's daughter is 14 and has a learning disability... so while older she acts like a younger child. She is also a very bad influence on SD. They share a room at biodad's house. GF and BioDad share a room, and BioDad's mom sleeps on the couch.
BioDad's neighborhood is not bad. It is not the bad area DW makes it out to be by any stretch of the imagination. We live in a very middle class suburban area. But not only that, there are literally TONS of neighborhoods within walking distance of their apartment complex that they could just walk to and trick or treat. They could ride their bikes to our neighborhood if they wanted! (Except SD still can't ride a bike). EVen though we live in a "good" neighborhood, DW still insists on breaking the kids candy to ensure no razor blades, etc. I find that to be overkill.
I have a problem with BioDad infringing on my time with my family. If SD is with us on Halloween, I have no problem with that and I know BS3 would love it. I just don't want to have to walk around with the BioDad clan the entire night.
I've actually advocated DW trying to get SD full-time. Yes, she can be a pain in the ass but I think our situation is much better than her fathers. And amazingly she does better in school and socially when she is with us for extended periods of time. Sure I can vent about SD here but ultimately as a child I just want what is best for her. My firm belief is that being with her father as much as she is, in the living situation that they are in, is detrimental to her. But DW doesn't see that.
Yes! This does sound
Yes! This does sound promising, although judging from the way you wrote of DW's responses, you might have to remind her of this conversation a few months from now.
This reminds me. Our Halloween schedule alternates. This year is Donkeykong's year. Every time it is Donkeykong's year he comes all the way to our town to pick up SS, drives him all the way back to his neighborhood for trick-or-treating, and then drives him all the way back to our house. There is nothing in the CO that stipulates that Donkeykong has to take SS trick-or-treating in his neighborhood. So really, all this driving he is doing is unnecessary. Two years ago, Donkeykong stated that he is fed up of this and that he is not going to be doing all the driving anymore. We basically told him "That's nice.". I know what that prick is going to do. He's going to come here, pick up SS, drive back to his neighborhood and then tell us that we have to go fetch him once trick-or-treating is over.
"although judging from the
"although judging from the way you wrote of DW's responses, you might have to remind her of this conversation a few months from now."
That is PRECISELY why I raised this issue with her now. When September rolls around I'm going to ask her if she has talked with BioDad about this yet (if she doesn't mention it to me sooner).
Regarding your situation... it sort of seems to me that whomever has your tall SS for Halloween should do the driving... and he should probably stay the night there. But I guess that's just my opinion. We're lucky because if it is our week with SD but BioDad's turn for Halloween, he could just pick her up from school, take her home, drop her off at school the next day. I'd never have to see him.
Heh! I think in the husband's
Heh! I think in the husband's guide to good marriages it's called "preping". To be fair, my wife has to do it to me too but she has the added challenge to make sure that I am A) Looking straight at her and has my full undivided attention
Make sure I have injested my daily dosage of coffee so that my brain cells are fully functioning and can register what it is she wants and C) circles the date on our fridge calendar as a reminder.
If steps A, B and C are followed then whatever DW tells me is "locked in" and I will not bitch, argue, or complain and I will do whatever it is she wants with a smile on my face.
Yeah, it would make sense that whoever has custody of SS during that time do all the driving. That seems fair and reasonable but Donkeykong is anything but a fair and reasonable man.
Thankfully DW and BioDad
Thankfully DW and BioDad don't really argue about this stuff much. Although they've never alternated a holiday before.
For instance, for Easter, depending on whose week it is, SD will be with them in the morning, go to the other house for dinner. The same with Thanksgiving. I guess because we live so close.
We did have an issue this year at Christmas. SD was at her dad's on Christmas Eve. He was going to drop her off to us around noon. DW says to me: "Lets have BS (two at that point), wait until SD gets here so they can open presents together."
I was having none of that. It is not fair to BS3 that he would have to wait for her, while she is likely opening presents at her father's house. He'd have to sit there staring at presents for several hours. Ha. Not going to happen.
Thankfully DW saw my point and we opened all the gifts except SD's. Of course when SD got there she threw a temper tantrum because BS3 got to open all his gifts first! I was almost ready to throw all of her presents in the trash.
Exactly!
Exactly!
Rhinodad your post and ncgal
Rhinodad your post and ncgal have pushed me to posting. I have a lot to share. You are NOT wrong, delusional or an ass. Your situation is similar to mine and I will share a lot about it. But first off....F that you take BS tORt on halloween. Your wife can get a clue or suck a toe but bleep bleep bleep NO. It ain't now 4 family affair. That is your baby and you take him tORt.
can someone advise how I post
can someone advise how I post my comment?
I guess it post when I hit
I guess it post when I hit save. Anyway 8 years I have been abused and shunned and treated like chit and I finally liberated myself and said no more. Chuck it in the F*** it bucket.