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DW breaks down.

Drac0's picture

So SS asks DW if he can hang out with his buddy TNMD after school (TNMD = They’re Not My Drugs).

DW was hesitant at first because she is now wondering if TNMD is someone SS should be hanging out with in the first place. I told her that she should have said no, but DW allowed it because he had to be back for 5:00pm anyways to have supper and go to the child psychologist appointment.

Normally SS is not allowed to do anything after school, until his homework is done, but SS said he had no homework (of course he doesn’t! This kid NEVER has any homework and DW always gets shocked and horrified when his report card comes in). So DW felt like being nice and let him go hang out with BFF TNMD.

Big mistake.

Turns out SS wasn’t going to hang out with TNMD. He went to hang out with Vicky; his girlfriend.

5:00pm rolls around and SS hasn’t come home. Tardiness is a regular occurrence with this kid. Nothing unusual there. Annoying, yes; but not unusual.

Fifteen minutes passes (5:15). No sign of SS. DW is starting to get angry. DW calls, texts, calls again, leaves VMs. No response.

5:30. They have to leave now or else be late. DW is now furious. She calls again. She calls TNMD’s mother. TNMD’s mother says she’ll try to reach her son but she is confused because TNMD did return home from school alone and then left again.

That’s when DW flies into sheer panic mode. Where the heck could SS be? She calls me. I had just arrived at the grocery store and was in the parking lot. DW is totally freaking out. Especially after hearing about what happened to TNMD yesterday, she is getting these images in her head of TNMD dragging SS to a drug deal somewhere and the deal went wrong… I tell her to relax (and resist the urge to say “I told you so!”). I volunteer to go looking for them. I don’t know where they have gone but I can think of a couple of places. DW says she’ll try Vicky’s Mother.

Another half hour passes. I arrive home.

Jigs up. Vicky’s mother had just called to say that Vicky confirmed that she is with SS. Vicky’s Mom actually got Vicky to pass the to SS to tell him that DW was looking for him.

SS finally returns home.

DW screamed and screamed and screamed…She screamed so much I thought the whole block could hear her. DW called the child therapist to cancel the appointment, but the therapist said not to worry, she can see them an hour later as she has an opening.

SS began his usual water-works act, saying it wasn’t his fault. His cell died and he just lost track of time.

Later that night, after all the kids had finally gone to bed, we laid in bed ourselves. DW curled up in my arms and quietly weeping. “I can’t do this anymore.” She keeps saying “I’m a wreck!”

I stayed silent. There’s SOOOO much I want to tell her about her son and what is going wrong here, but I stay silent because I know that’s not what DW needs right now.

As a quick sidenote to this drama, I did search SS’s room last night. I didn’t find anything. I found a lot of strange things, but no illegal narcotics.

Comments

Gabriels Mom's picture

Not the weeping part but I think DH is at this point. Poor SS, he has been in DH's crosshairs for weeks now. He's doing the same thing that he jumped my @ss for doing. He is all over him, constantly. Maybe they just reach that point.

Jsmom's picture

Honestly, she may need a realistic conversation from you. You will be the bad guy, but she will see that you are an outsider seeing what her permissive parenting is doing and maybe fix it now. DH saw that I was right all along with my SD, but it was too late for him to do anything. He tried, but it was too late, the damage was done.

Jsmom's picture

Truly doesn't matter when he does it. I tried when DH was in a good mood, when he was already upset with her. After BM called and yelled at him. After sex, I tried everything. Didn't matter, I was evil for saying that she was manipulating everyone and if they didn't get a reign on her now at 12, she would be a problem in HS. I was berated, ridiculed, accused of hating her. It didn't matter. Now look at her. She is a train wreck and not a part of anyone's lives and it appears not even her mother's life. The woman who created the monster, now seems to have cut her off.

Jsmom's picture

No matter what he says, he will be the guy that hates her son. Doesn't matter how you dish it up. Best thing to do is say it and let the chips fall where they may and then at least you know you told her and then stay out of it. But, you have to say everything, so you don't have to do it again. They know how you feel. Once I let loose on DH, he seemed to get that it was on him to put rules and stick to them with her. He tried, but it was too damn late. Now he has to live with who she is.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

If I hated DH's daughter...

THIS! IF I hated DH's kids... I do NOT. While they may get on my nerves (sometimes a LOT), I do NOT hate them. There are times we have lots of fun together and doing family stuff and I love it! Their loathsome behavior, IMHO, is a combination of BioMonster's horrible 'parenting', being a kid and pushing boundaries, and DH originally being a Disney Dad.

My DH also took offense at first until he realized that I was thinking about the KIDS and trying to help him help them grow up healthier, happier, and better prepared to take on the future.

Tuff Noogies's picture

draco's HAD plenty of realistic conversations with his dw. she's heard it, and deflected and excused and poo-poo'd - until now. i think the realization is starting to sink in.

i hate that for her, but it's a necessary step. i had to watch dh go through this also- it's heartwrenching.

draco, "I stay silent because I know that’s not what DW needs right now." good job. her kid, her problem, she's enabled all of this. she will have to learn how to deal with it - just be her strength. ((hugs)) to her.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Well ~ his ass would be MINE !!!

Since when did TNMD ~ turn into Vickys. I tell my kids ~ you change your venue you let me know.

Your DW gave him the ripe to hang himself ~ she tried to trust him n it didn't work. Lesson learned ~ he will try everything n anything to get what he wants.

My SD cut the screens in my garage to sneak out of the house. My daughter went right along with it. Sorry assholes ~ I hope you like the four walls in your room.

Drac0's picture

I don't see anything in the way of consequences, apart from what ripley mentioned above. However I told DW this morning that her stress is starting to affect me as well and I can no longer sit idly by anymore.

That's when I told her that I searched his room last night. DW said I should have told her beforehand because she searched his room too. We're both in a place that neither of us wanted to be. Neither of us trusts SS anymore.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I was wondering the same thing.

I think DW needs to go with her guy instead of her heart. Head says he is up to nothing good. Heart said I feel bad for him ~ he will be back at 5.

SS doesn't give a shit if he gets in trouble all he has learned is ( cue tears n mom will lose it) ~ a little tough love is needed her.

He has broken your trust and getting that back is on him not your wife. We all know that in order for change to occur it takes 21 days.

Parenting out of fear ~ is not parenting to the best of your ability. ( wise advise from twoviewpoints )

Drac0's picture

Actually allow me to clarify. DW has always trusted SS, even after SS has proven time and time again that he cannot be trusted to do something simple like being somewhere at a particular time. I on the other hand used to believe that SS can only be trusted with things a kid half his age can do....But even that is gone now too.

Drac0's picture

Oh she wasn't upset that I searched his room. Quite the opposite actually. She fully understands why I did so because both her and I are scared that SS may have gotten himself involved with the wrong crowd.

Drac0's picture

Here's a partial list:
a collection of Gatorade caps
6 Erasers, brand new, still in it's packaging (I have no idea why he has so many)
A girl's hair clip
A large cannister of Vidal Sassoon hair gel (unopened)
$15 in his school bag (money that he owes DW but he says he "lost" it)
A dozen empty coke cans and water bottles (some of them only half empty)
Xbox game cases (most of them empty)
About 3 or 4 earbuds (he probably loses them so he keeps buying a replacement)
Rick Riordan hardbook sleeves (not the books, just the sleeves)

Ljcapp1's picture

That all sounds pretty innocent. If you see hollowed out pens, foil, or medicine bottles with holes, stuff like that is concerning.

Willow2010's picture

So your DW let her kid go hang out with a person who just got suspended for having drugs at school? Your DW and my DH, raise/raised, their kids the same, but I am not so sure that DH would have even done that.

Ok...most kids his age are going to go through what SS is going through right now...hanging with the wrong people, being stupid ect...however...they need guidance and discipline to get through it. Be very careful if you plan on taking on that task. Your DW may think it is ok at first, but then you know that you will be accused of being to mean to SS. And DK may get involved if SS tells him YOU are handing down the rules. Just tread careful. You know that the SP is usually wrong no matter what. Good luck!

Ljcapp1's picture

My Dh let sd17 hang out with a girls who's parents were supplying the dope...
I protested and threw a fit and showed Dh where the parent was arrested 7 or 8 times once for contributing to a minor, but he and Sasquatch didn't believe me. My son told me sd17 said the friends dad gave them pot and when she's a parent she will give her kids pot too. According to them my son had ADHD and that made him a liar. And the famous "my daughter wouldn't do that."
After that I didn't really care what happened.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

That's me ~ mean to SD cause I won't let her bring home ecstasy ~ n get high n then come home n eat the entire pantry.

And when they get pulled over by the cops n the cops call me n tell me that girls were with guys who are being arrested for possession n drug paraphernalia ~ I am wrong for grounding them. N then when they don't take the bus but get rides from the said above assholes n I lace into them I am wrong. N when I believe that she is doing a school project where she needs to interview a teacher after school n what she really was doing was banging her boyfriend in the school parking lot n got caught by a coach n his entire team. That's my fault. Sorry BM I tried ~ but all means I think it's a wonderful idea for you to take the girl n her bf to a party. You my dear are MOTY !!

Draco ~ I feel for ya !

Ljcapp1's picture

Yep! Even with proof and genuine concern. I have learned to just spectate like a wild animal kingdom cameraman.

Indigo's picture

Drac0, you're great. Your voice and comments are what I think my SO/FDH is probably thinking regarding my BS-12 and myself. Ouch and thanks.

Drac0's picture

This is the third time in the past week I've been asked. I really should break out my measuring tape. Just to give you an idea, I am 5' 9" and SS is taller than me by - ooh - at least another 6 inches.

Shaman29's picture

Your DW is a duddlehead.

The "weeping" over her bad choices thing is just as bad as the "waterworks" your SS employs when he's in trouble.

They're both full of s**t.

She won't make the hard choices, won't enforce rules, won't enforce punishments, babies the s**t out of this teenage boy........then the silly little woman turns around and cries about it??

Boo-freaking-hoo. This is called reaping what you sow aka being a Disney Parent.