Ive left this to bubble up and its driving me mental.....but as previous blog, SS19 turned up out of the blue as if all was ok on Tuesday gone (Friday today)...anyway, early hours of Wednesday morning I wasnt well, so was up at 3.30 and then gave up on sleep at 5.30.....anyway, on a trip to the bathroom at 3.30 I noticed something on the side of my bath, but being shattered paid no attention and went back to bed, at 5.30 ish into the bathroom again again I noticed it but this time investigated....now, I have NEVER in my life touched a drug other than alcohol and cigarettes....anything else is prescribed by my doctor, I have never personally seen the point to drugs, and watched my cousin fall into the depths of drugs at 13 which led to her murder when she was 21 so she was enough to put me off....ive not even smoked weed/spliff/skunk etc...

however thats not to say Im dumb to the whole world of it either....I know what gets packaged in what and how, I know the affects each different was on you...I know quite a few who have dabbled and still do, so Im kinda experienced with it without actually doing any of it myself.....now, I know OH has struggled with addiction in the past, and he does still like to smoke the odd joint every now and then...I never thought he was doing anything else, up until 6 weeks ago, when after months of really dodgy behaviour, OH admitted that he had been taking cocaine for the previous 6-9 months......I was livid....as he had created a debt he couldnt pay (last payment to the dealer is today!!!!)...now I know, I should have kicked his ass out of my home and told him to do one, especially being pregnant....but I didnt. I talked to him, I tried to understand his reasons (although I dont believe in excuses, when counselling is available)he has suffered with depression and has had suicidal thoughts before all of this....so I supported him, I believed him when he said he had stopped, that he would never do anything like that again, and he told me to control his money 100%.......Now, as blogs say, SS17 is believed to be on cocaine too, or at least has been, and SS19 and SS17 are really close, live to gether and hang about in the same circles.....so to my problem....

On Tuesday, I found a cocaine wrap....slight whitish residue left, which did the normal burn/tingle and subsequent numb sensation on the tongue when I tasted it (I did spit it out!)....SO WHO LEFT THE WRAP IN MY HOUSE WHERE TWO 7 YEAR OLDS WERE RUNNING AROUND!!!!!!???????

I asked OH on Wednesday, he said it could have been an old one, fell out of his clothes etc....I said it wasnt possible, EVERYTHING HAD BEEN WASHED.....and it was NEW!......its been ignored...so today I told OH it was bothering me, playing on my mind, and that at the end of the day IT WAS EITHER HIM OR SS19.....his answer?..."I hope it isnt SS19!"...my answer...."and me....because it was the most dirty, disgusting disrespectful thing anyone can do when two 7 years olds are running around a house, let alone bringing it to somebody elses house to do it!".....

Odds are 50/50...and thats the worst thing.....what doesnt help OH, is that lately he is VERY forgetful....and that's not a good sign.....

I think its time I saw a counsellor.......im not sure how much more my head and heart can take.....