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Who does this?? Need help understanding this behavior.. if it's even understandable!

stayedtoolong's picture

Submitted by stayedtoolong on Mon, 10/13/2014 - 12:25pm

My ss13 is, for the lack of better words, an asshole.

There are so many characteristics this kid has that make him an asshole, that I could fill up an entire page listing them. But I won't do this because I'm pretty sure most of you get where I'm coming from here..

Anyways.. there is one thing in particular I don't get about ss13. It's his total lack of an ability to "hurry up" even when hurrying up benefits him.

I get if you don't want to do something, you will lag behind to try to get out of doing it or whatever.. Kids will do this, however, if you get on their case they will tend to move their butts and hustle if you mean it..

But not this kid. Nope. He goes slower to the point where you know it's intentional and blatant disrespect - like "fuck you, I'm not hurrying for anyone".. It makes you want to go grab him and force him to hurry up, but if you even dare try it only makes things worse.

Defiance is an understatement.

He even does this when hurrying up will benefit him. A few weeks ago he really wanted to go to this event with DH and DH's friend.. it was either that or stay home with me and my daughter and he definitely didn't want to do that!

So, DH picks ss13 up from practice and tells him "you need to hurry up and get a shower and get dressed - we need to leave in 15 minutes and will leave without you"..

This little asshole walks thru the house and up the stairs like he is in slow motion. Normally he's slow, but this time he was extra slow.. Not that I was watching him, but I'm in the house and you can't help but notice he's not hustling one bit.

Of course in a perfect world, DH would say "too bad" and leave without him. However, DH knows I do not want this kid around me and he needs to take him with him.. so what does he do? Yells at him to hurry up.. this does nothing.

I don't get it. I mean, if you want to go somewhere and are told to "hurry or you aren't going.." Uhhh.. doesn't this make you hurry so you can go?

Time and time again I have experienced this crap with him. Go to an amusement park and need to get there early so we can get in line.. everyone else in the family is hauling ass.. except him. Never him. He walks. Hell, he doesn't even have his shoes on while we drive there and you would think once we pull into the parking lot he would put them on.. oh no, not him.. he waits till we all are getting out of the car to do this, causing us all to wait on him.

I don't know what to do, how to respond or react.. It is infuriating and it makes you want to walk away from him and not give a shit what he does. But then this causes an issue because we all end up having to look for his ass when he's left behind. This has happened at the mall, amusement parks, festivals, anywhere else you can think of..

I mean what the hell can we do? Put a damn leash on him like a dog?

Comments

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Mon, 10/13/2014 - 12:29pm

It's a control thing.

I don't have any solutions right off the top of my head, but if you can come up with solutions to undermine his attempt at control, you may see some changes (or not, depending on the kid).

My SK's (and the BM) march to the beats of their own drums when it comes to timliness. DH begged, pleaded, bargained with them to PUHLEEEEZ be on time for things, to no avail because it was their sense of control.

Now, if we need them to be here at 3pm, we tell them be here at 1pm. I just don't know how long before they catch on.

I myself would rather just leave them out of whatever if they can't be here on time and act like adults... but that's how DH chooses to roll.

Rose.Colored.Glasses's picture

Submitted by Rose.Colored.Glasses on Mon, 10/13/2014 - 12:39pm

Your DH needs to stop making empty threats and start leaving him behind. After missing something he really wanted to do, maybe he'd get the picture. That's all I got.

fakemommy's picture

Submitted by fakemommy on Mon, 10/13/2014 - 12:41pm

I agree. It is about control. My skid is the EXACT same way. It can be infuriating. We don't have any solid solutions, but we usually ignore, walk away, or make skid miss out. They have to get ready for bed (as in shower, put pjs on, and brush teeth) 1 hr before bedtime. If they are done in a reasonable amount of time, there is plenty of time to watch tv or hang out before bed. Want to know how many times that has happened in YEARS? Maybe 3. We do things like that that instill consequences only for them. If skid isn't getting out of the car in a reasonable amount of time, we make the car alarm go off. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be in public, sitting in a car with the alarm going off? I don't, you'll have to ask my skid. }:)

silversong's picture

Submitted by silversong on Mon, 10/13/2014 - 12:43pm

You have to make him feel the sting of being slow, even if it inconveniences you. In your example above, you said your DH knew you didn't want SS home with you, which insinuates to me that your DH waited for him even though he told him he wouldn't. Well, that's a situation where you would have to take one for the team. If SS wasn't ready in 15 minutes, he shouldn't have gotten to go with DH. It's definitely a control thing and you and your DH have to take it back.

Glassslipper's picture

Submitted by Glassslipper on Mon, 10/13/2014 - 12:48pm

It's a control thing...

My son is the SAME WAY!!!! and so is my EX! (his dad)
Both are controlling, both are complete A$$h0les! Yes, I'm saying that about my bio son, but what can I do, like father like son, I try to teach him not to act like that, but then he visits his dad and comes back 100% a$$ again.

Its a total control thing...

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Mon, 10/13/2014 - 12:55pm

My sister was like this and my dad warned her he would leave her. Finally he did and the whole family left for church one morning. Still can't believe she was upset about missing mass. She was about 12. All I remember was her jumping up and down at the end of the driveway screaming and we went off to church.

She was not late much more after that...She can't be, she is now a lawyer working for a large company. But, that image of her jumping up and down and screaming is one I can not think of without laughing. My Dad got his point across. We went to church and brunch afterwards and he didn't make any big deal about it.

stayedtoolong's picture

Submitted by stayedtoolong on Tue, 10/14/2014 - 12:29pm

I agree 100% with the control thing. I also agree we should leave him behind each and every time this happens. However, there are instances where we are out somewhere and he does this crap.. lags behind. What then? If we just keep on at our pace, we run the risk of losing him (which to me isn't a big deal - no one will kidnap this kid and if they do, they will soon realize they screwed up and leave him at the first rest stop they can)..

We have kept on going and basically said "screw it" a few times.. only to have to look for his ass later and that sucks. Then he's everyone's problem..

I have pretty much said that I won't go anywhere with him because of this.

This is his game and he plays it in every element of his life. I see it clearly and for exactly what it is: control and manipulation.

Even when there are chores to be done - like if we have a "clean up day" and the kids clean their rooms.. he's the one going slow, walking out of his room.. pretending not to know how to do things.. to make it so we have to micromanage him and get frustrated.. his hope is to piss us off so much that we get sick of dealing with him and he has to do less.

All in all, he's an ass. Plain and simple. He wants to control, manipulate and dictate things and make everyone miserable..