I'm pretty sure I have whiplash now.
Earlier in the school year, my DH was working out of state for several weeks. My SD7 happened to have Parent-Teacher Conferences during that time, and DH asked me to go in his place. All was fine, I talked to the teacher, got a great report (SD is very smart, sweet, etc...). The whole thing lasted about five minutes.
A few weeks later, BM went nuts. She informed DH that it was NOT my "place" or my "responsibility" to know what was going on with SD7 at school. (Nevermind that I'm a TEACHER.) She even called SD's school and had me blocked from almost any contact. I seriously couldn't even call and add SD's paternal great-grandmother to the Grandparents' Day Attendance list.
Well, fine, if BM wants to be that way, whatever. It's yet another attempt at keeping my DH out of his daughter's life - she thinks if I don't get the info from the school, DH won't bother to do it himself, and will thus be kept in the dark.
Then, when we went to pick her up for our Christmas holiday parenting time, the BM answered the door with a bottle of pills. She all but turned her back to DH, looked straight at me, and gave very detailed instructions about SD7's new medicine. She made it VERY clear that she was talking to me and not to DH.
????? Soooo....It's none of my business when it comes to school, but when it comes to a MEDICAL issue, it suddenly is my business? WTF?
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I absolutely wish I'd shut
I absolutely wish I'd shut her down! I was just stunned that she was giving ME the run down on the medicine. She and I usually don't have anything to say to each other at all. She did ask me a question, which I deflected to DH with, "What do YOU think, DH?" He puts in a herculean effort to not 'rock the boat' in front of SD7, and after 6 years of BM's drama, his default setting is "ignore".
My BM has done the same
My BM has done the same thing. Threw a hissy fit when the TEACHER (because she knew I was a teacher and knew the dynamic of our situation) asked me to be a in a meeting. She demanded separate meetings, and then demanded that I NEVER be allowed to have input (it's a shame, as I know the system and how to get her kids help).
So, in our house, I help DH. I pretend like it doesn't bother me. What it comes down to is her feeling threatened by you. If your DH has rights (50/50 custody, I'm guessing), then he can put you on the list, just provide a copy of the CO. It's simple. She can't block what your husband allows, as she has no right to do more than he does.
If it's more like she's custodial, then I'd disengage. I wouldn't go to pick ups and I certainly wouldn't allow her to talk to me in any fashion.
DH has 50/50 legal, but she
DH has 50/50 legal, but she has primary physical (approximately 75/25 split). Courts in our state are, unfortunately, still very biased towards the mother. We were just going to leave it alone until she tried to have HIM removed from the list, as well! The school, in fear of violating FERPA, called DH to let him know what was going on. Now he has to bring a certified copy of the newest CO to the school, just so HE can stay on it!
Believe me, I do everything I can to get out of going to pick-ups and dealing with BM in general! DH specifically asked me to go this time as a witness because BM was also threatening to withhold visitation. Ugh.
I attended the conference
I attended the conference because my DH asked me to. BM absolutely refuses to pass any information on to him, so if he doesn't get it himself, he doesn't get it.
It is OUR time. When I married my DH, everything in his life and my life became OURS. My time with SD comes from his time with SD. She comes to OUR house and WE are the ones who spend time with her. But if that offends you, put in another pronoun. I really don't care if you don't like my word choice.
Having 50/50 legal in our state means equal rights when it comes to making decisions about school, doctors, etc. Physical custody is seen as a separate issue, and doesn't give one parent any more say than the other.
In my district (which, I should note, is not the district SD attends), bioparents (or others who have legal rights to a child, like foster parents) have access to information automatically. Stepparents (and other relevant figures in a child's life) can be given access by those bioparents.
The BM in my life used to
The BM in my life used to drop the kids off at our house on her weeks (we have 50/50) in the morning and then I would make sure they got to school. She did this because she had to be at work before school started. Likewise, after school, the kids would come to our house in the afternoons, and she would pick them up after work. SS at the time had some anger issues, and he put his fist through a wall in our house because he got mad. DH and I went outside to talk to her, and she went off on me. Told me to go back in the house and that the kids were none of my business. I told her "If they are none of my business, then they aren't my responsibility either. Find other arrangements on your weeks, because I will not be taking them to school any longer." She called me every name in the book, and the kids were there to see it all.
Just look at BM and say what we all say here "Not my monkey, not my circus. I was perfectly willing to help out with SD, but you were the one that set that boundary, and I have no option but to stick to that."
HRNYC, I've had many a parent
HRNYC, I've had many a parent teacher conference with divorced parents where step parents are involved. In all the years of those meetings, only ONCE has there been documented CO where the sp has been excluded. I've had more situations where the BM throws the DH under the bus in the meeting, making everyone involved uncomfortable. Divorced parents need to learn that once that divorce is final, they have NO say in who their ex decides to involve in their lives.
This situation (as well as my own), BM seems threatened because the SM is involved. I can't speak for the OP, but I know in my situation she hates the fact that I have succeeded where she has failed (both as a wife and sm (since I am not a bm at this point). She has stated this outright to my face and put it in writing--she hates me because I can do X, Y, and Z and it's her right as a mother. While this is true, to a certain extent, I am not going to limit what I do in my house because she is threatened. Am I not to make dinner for my family because I'm not mom? (this was one of her complaints) Am I not to help with homework when the kids ask? (again, another complaint). DH is here and can do both, but there is no reason why we can't work as a team in our home on DH's time.
It is by district, you are
It is by district, you are correct. However, in my situation, the skids were here 85% of the time, and she still had me banned from meetings. DH or I could have fought it, but we didn't. He insisted on keeping separate meetings and it pissed her off. But, again, she demanded it first. Should be interesting when all of her boundaries back her into a corner and she needs my help again.
HRNYC, I find your posts so
HRNYC,
I find your posts so sad. You and your DH must have such a dysfunctional relationship, with your rabid attempts at keeping everyone from "blending". I shudder at the score sheets you must keep at home. Your poor husband.
Just because you think she is
Just because you think she is right, doesn't mean she is.
I mean, we are talking about the same poster who in the space of two days contradicted herself about 4 times. Perhaps you are naive enough to trust her judgement, but I'll pass.
And? That's HER school
And? That's HER school district. So she is right about HER school district? So freaking what? What does that have to do with the OP's situation??????
And tbh, I don't even think she is right about that. I don't believe any "facts" she throws out. She has been known to quote facts and figures that are patently untrue. So no, I'm not naive enough to believe her.
But whatever.
Isn't "disengagement" the
Isn't "disengagement" the opposite of "blended" family? I get so confused as to what the general goal is here.
No, I don't think its the
No, I don't think its the opposite. Sorry you are confused though.
Rest assured, DH has most
Rest assured, DH has most definitely not "checked out of being a parent". SD was born out of wedlock, so BM was automatically given custody, and DH has had to spend thousands and fight for everything he has with SD, every step of the way.
The P/T conferences are not even the real issue. I get it that there are some bioparents who don't want stepparents to attend meetings. I get it that people can be very "territorial" over their children. I even get it that a stepparent attending a parent-teacher conference is a messy subject for some. If she didn't want me attending any more conferences, I was willing to respect that. I don't think it's RIGHT, but I wasn't going to die on that hill. I don't need the massive drama over something so small.
DH does have to work out of town occasionally (once or twice a year). I told him that next time, if he can't make it to the school-scheduled P/T conferences, he should call and set up a conference when he CAN make it.
But for BM to throw such a fit about THAT, and then turn around and give ME all the gory details about SD's medical issues and how to treat them? THAT's the issue. One is none of my business, but the other is totally my business? Just seems a *little* contradictory.
Being hypocritical seems to
Being hypocritical seems to be common with most BMs. It's hard not to take it personally. I would have just stared her down , but that's just me!
They have separate
They have separate conferences. There is ZERO co-parenting that happens between the two of them, unfortunately. And BM completely refuses to pass along any information to DH, which is why he wanted me to go.
This is actually quite normal
This is actually quite normal for most of my divorced friends. I don't know why these BM posters are getting their panties in such a wad over you going.
FWIW, I go to the P/T
FWIW, I go to the P/T conferences of SS13 all the time. It's made a big difference in his ability to thrive in school because I can support my husband and the kid better. An adult who spends a lot of time with a kid but who is completely cut out of the loop on what's going on at school, has a hand tied behind their back and the kid is deprived of coherent, comprehensive messages. BM invited me to come, DH wanted me to come, it's all good and works out for us.
But if DH wanted me to come and BM didn't, I would still go because, guess what, BM does not rule my life! It would probably be separate meetings at that point but no biggie.
BM simply does not get to run my marriage, my household, my itinerary, or my time. If the op's husband wanted her there, that is them working as a team. As a marriage SHOULD be working. Unless the bm has legal power to bar her or her husband asks her not to go, the sm should keep going. It's between the two of them.
I used to ride along for p/u and d/o because it's a long drive and it was nice to share that time with DH. None of bm's business. (I don't go any more because I can not stand bm's house) If BM thinks she can dictate to her ex-husband what he shares with his wife or how they split household responsibilities, she is the one who is overstepping.
I think many BMs would view
I think many BMs would view your traveling with DH to p/u and d/off as you asserting your authority or claiming territory. Heck, my grandfather's new wife was so insecure, she made sure she was in his passenger seat every time he had to go into town.
Well, that's quite grandiose
Well, that's quite grandiose of them, if so. My dh and I get very little time alone together, the skids are with us so often. The half hour drive to or back from her house is a very pleasant little interlude of peace and quiet. We get to talk over the day or the week or whatever. Instead of me waiting at home for him like Penelope for Odysseus, both too wound up and exhausted by the time he gets home to have a leisurely conversation.
But I have given up doing so because her household is so chaotic and I can't stand being there. The thought that I'd want to claim any of that makes me sick.
So now dh makes this trek all by himself umpteen times a week when he could be using that time to hang out with his favorite person.
You have to go inside her
You have to go inside her house? Screw that! Take a book and chill in the car. Why aren't the kids ready to hit the door anyway?