Ok, I am ANGRY. Talk me down people
before I do something I may regret.
Or.... }:) agree with me and say its ok to do it }:) }:)
Quick recap.
Last November OH assaulted me - he verbally abused me and tried to throw me down the stairs (in front of my dd12 who was screaming at him "don't hurt my mummy"). I talked him down from that rage and he was packing to leave when he started ranting again about some missing photo. Said he wouldn't leave until I gave him said photo (couldn't do that as I didn't have said photo) He got aggressive and physical again and I called the police.
Police came (he left before they got here) and took a statement. They asked if I wanted it taken further, I said NO. I said he left, he will calm down and its ok, I won't let him back in the house again, not after doing that in front of my dd (we'd had altercations before but never in front of the kids)
They came back a few hours later and said he had given them a statement and that they had taken out a temp. intervention order on my behalf (he cannot contact me, commit violence against me, have another person contact me or commit violence, come within 200m of the house) Had to go to court that week to have it made into a full order. He refused to agree to the full order unless I gave him our house, I said no so he tried to get the judge to order me to leave the house (we bought it together) and hand over my car to him (claimed they were both solely his and I had no right to them) Judge basically shut him down and we had to go back to court the following month for a full hearing. In that month we didn't really speak (apart from "I have paid the mortgage" (him) and "I will pay my half directly into the acct" (me) kind of thing)
Full order was approved, but amended to allow us to have contact but no violence, still not allowed within 200m of the house.
We talked a bit, went out together a few times, and had agreed to live separately and work on things. He admitted fault in a few areas, and was seeing that he should have handled a lot of things differently.
FF to 2 weeks ago, Police turn up here with paperwork for him??? I say "he's not here. he's not allowed here?" they ask me to give him the paperwork.
When I look at it its a charge sheet ordering him to appear in court on 17/2 on assault charges. I panic, I call them and say No I will not hand this over to him, and I want to make a statement of no complaint (got legal advice) which means that my previous statement stands as all true, but I want it taken no further. I argue for this man and defend him and convince them that he's really a good guy, its just this step hell and he messed up, he acknowledges that and we are working things out, taking this any further will not help anyone.
They cannot stop it now as its already set in motion, best they can do is take into account my new statement, and request the judge that no further action be taken, the prosecutor agrees to this.
(at this stage he still knows nothing about it) I call and tell him. I know he will freak out, but I tell him all I have done and that it's all going to be ok, we just keep working towards what we were doing and its fine.
Apparently not. He is now right back to blaming me for everything. Its all my fault he is in this mess, he has to go to court etc, if *I* hadn't called the police everything would be fine! I tried to make him see that HE has responsibility for his actions - he did the wrong thing and he needs to take ownership of that, but no. Not happening.
So, we aren't speaking, and I was fine with that, ok, its done; over. At this point, whatever you know?
Today I was chatting with some friends on Facebook. I know he is badmouthing me and telling everyone its all my fault, he did no wrong blah blah blah, and I've pretty much said nothing to anyone IRL. Today we were chatting this SM friend and I (and a cousin of mine) about gaslighting, and friend mentioned her skids, and how its all her fault or never happens etc. I said "yes, I have had that one - SD14 (used her name) called me a whore and somehow that gets twisted to me being at fault, or I am lying and it never happened, one day he admits it did, the next I made it up and it just does your head in the constant changing the truth."
Just had a call from the police, apparently someone (mutual friend on fb) saw my post and showed him and he called them saying I was saying bad stuff about his fucking daughter!!!! The policeman was lovely, and said given that its a DV situation he has to give me a heads up that ex-OH had been in touch and was complaining etc, I told him all that I had said, in a chat between friends and he said I had done nothing wrong but to be careful.
Now. I am SOOOO steaming mad at this arsehole. I was pissed enough when he went back to it all being my fault, but calling the police because I told a friend a truthful incident about his bitch daughter?
I want to call the officer who is handling the assault and retract my second statement (she was VERY insistent on telling me that I could withdraw that at ANY time without any problem)
Am I being petty because of his defending Princess Bitchface or is it ok for me to say "fuck you buddy, you need to learn to own your actions and the consequences?"
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Oh - the temp IO was taken
Oh - the temp IO was taken out based on HIS comments to questions asked I later found out - like when they said "Luchay told us she felt scared, do you think she really felt scared?"
He said "no, it happens all the time, she'd be used to it!"
I think this comment sealed it for him.
And he agreed to everything that I said happened.
Thing is Sally, I didn't say
Thing is Sally, I didn't say anything bad about her - just "sd called me a whore" no emotion, no bad names nothing about her!!
And the policeman said I had done nothing wrong - the "be careful" was because ex-OH is on the warpath and to be careful of HIM.
yeah, see that's kind of
yeah, see that's kind of where I am coming from. I tried (again) and now we are right back to him blaming me for everything and I am just so over it.
But I don't want to be petty or vindictive I just really want to move on. But then I get this shit tonight and I think WTF. He's NEVER going to own his fucking behaviour, and I am HELPING him.
And I just don't know which way is up again.
Sorry, just feeling really confused - I guess I want to work out my motives before I act?
I think he needs to pay for
I think he needs to pay for what he did to you. That was completely unacceptable. And it is OK for you to say that.
Thanks. I don't care about
Thanks. I don't care about him paying - but I would just like him to admit it was wrong and take ownership of it. NOt a lot to ask I didn't think, and he was - or he was just paying lip service to reel me back in.
I know that's not what you
I know that's not what you care about, and I agree he needs to admit it was wrong. Why I say that he should pay is because having charges, or even better a conviction, against him might make him think twice about assaulting someone else.
Yes, that's a point. Only you
Yes, that's a point.
Only you know what? After hearing his opinions on this this last few weeks, I don't think he will ever see anything as really his fault. If he assaults anyone else I think somehow in his mind he will twist it so that they MADE him do it.
That's what he has done to me, MY behaviour caused him to react that way. Apparently.
In the past I have owned that, ok, I shouldn't have done or said a b or c and I contributed therefore I am at fault. This time I did NOTHING and I was still at fault, and NO!!! I know I did no wrong. And having this incident helps me see others more clearly - that no matter what *I* may have said its still never ok for him to behave that way.
Arrrrghhhh I just want it all to go away, including him.
You need to go completely
You need to go completely radio silent and let the chips fall where they may in regards to his assault case.
He will continue to blame you bc like you said...in the past you have thought it was your fault.
Time to take you life back. Honestly, you should cut any and all contact with him. Use emails or texts only. You don't have kids together do you? If not, that is one less reason to have to communicate with him. Get the financial stuff figured out ASAP and move on.
^^this. luchay OUT.
^^this. luchay OUT.
He sounds like a classic
He sounds like a classic abuser blaming you for his anger issues.
It is NOT your fault. There is nothing you have done or could do that would cause a normal person to react with violence. He is the one with the problem.
I think the best thing is to get him out of your life as quickly as possible.
He will say whatever he needs
He will say whatever he needs to say in order to get you back. However, his actions reveal the truth. There comes a time when we have to cut our loses and walk away.
He's a loose cannon and even
He's a loose cannon and even the police think so. He really needs to face the consequences of his actions. Tough love and all that but he will never learn if he doesn't.
Don't cover for him. If he faces the consequences now, maybe even gets ordered to attend anger management, that may save the life of some poor women later on down the road...
I guess that better than the
I guess that better than the cliché Deliverance lovers.
oh god. that was filmed near
oh god. that was filmed near HERE.
i am fully, totally a transplant.
Usually people think it was
Usually people think it was filmed in WV. Absolutely beautiful country where they filmed that movie though.
Being born and raised in West Virginia, I have learned to not label anyone. Spent my whole life being asked if I have screwed my brother, father, dog....if my son is my son/nephew.
Noooo, the Kiwis are the
Noooo, the Kiwis are the sheep lovers! We're the convict colonies!
My ancestor got sent over for stealing a pair of lady's knickers.
"fuck you buddy, you need to
"fuck you buddy, you need to learn to own your actions and the consequences". YES. this is precisely what you should say/do!
he's shown you that he's not going to change. nothing will be different. it's not like u're throwing him under the bus, u're just not preventing him from being run over by his own freaking idiotic stupidity.
It is time to be done. I'm
It is time to be done.
I'm not suggesting you do this, but giving you something to think about. Withdrawing your statement might be what he needs to start changing. He'll be furious and it will be too late for the two of you, but it might help the next person he gets involved with. (Not that you should care about his future relationships..) I only say this because my DH played the "blame game" with me as well after our DV incident 5 years ago. I think his having to pay consequences for what happened (police pressed charges and I couldn't stop anything) helped him calm down. We went to counseling and had so many court dates. He never wants to deal with that ever again. I've told him that calling the police was the best thing I ever did, and that makes him angry, but I haven't needed to ever since. So don't necessarily think of withdrawing as vindictive, but possibly a public service. There's nothing to feel guilty about.
Luchay, I think there's a
Luchay, I think there's a part of you that's still talking the language of victim-hood.
If you take being HIS caretaker out of your decision-making, what are you left with?
Someone has assaulted you. What, inside of you, would keep you from pressing charges?
Someone is involving the police, claiming you are doing bad things to him. What, inside of you, is allowing you to keep engaging with this person?
I know that part of you is busy trying to help this guy, but that's not your job. It's especially not the job of someone who has been physically and emotionally assaulted by this guy. And especially not when legal/criminal charges are involved.
It's just safer for you to cut him off. He isn't that special.
And read this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-colleary/10-signs-youre-dating-an-...
It is actually FACT that the
It is actually FACT that the kids know nothing.
We didn't see each other between court dates (apart from when he was here with police to get his stuff - kids were NOT here then)
So that was 13/11/14 - 18/12/14, I went away on 20/12 and came back on 2/1/15, my kids went to their dads on 7/1/15 and returned on 28/1/15 - we ONLY saw each other away from this house while my kids were interstate.
They know nothing.
We had coffee (Sunday). He talked I listened, then I left. I processed what he had said and wrote out exactly how *I* felt and what I had to say. (he always accuses me of being too emotional and he plays me in conversation - sidetracking and bringing up stuff that's irrelevant, so I wanted to stay on point. We met up later in the day and he read what I had to say, and he cried, and said he understood.
Blah blah blah!
We agreed to counselling, to seeing each other outside the home (dating) with no-one knowing, and to working on our issues. I was very clear with what I needed from him and what *I* was doing for the things I am at fault here.
We went to the movies a few nights later, then dinner (Tuesday).
Monday after that we went out to dinner. Talked quite a bit and he was an arse at first but then started listening and "supposedly" understanding, cried again, said he could see where he could have done a lot of things differently and he would try.
The following night we went to the beach after work and then had fish and chips at his place. (no I didn't stay)
That Saturday night I went to his, he cooked BBQ, I stayed the night and on the Sunday we went for a long drive in the country and had a lovely lunch/afternoon at a winery. It was a great day. He was loving and attentive and talked about how HE should have made sure we had spent more couple time together etc. And yes, I believed it.
That's it. The sum total of our seeing each other.
No, she's right, I was
No, she's right, I was stupid. I guess there are degrees of stupid. I was never fully back in and he did need to prove himself, and I did have a comprehensive list of what *I* needed to fully take him back. It was going to be a year or two at best before he would be around my kids again, and I said I may NEVER want to see his again.
But I *DID* believe in him and try and give him another chance. And that was stupid.
No, not really. Please read
No, not really. Please read the extra bit I added in up
in response to Sueu2 and Tommar. Not fully back in - we saw each other maybe half a dozen times and I did have many conditions on what it would take, I have been moving forward on my life without him regardless of whether he was able to get his shit together or not.
To be honest, I fully expected him to fail at the first hurdle and he has. I am upset of course, but not altogether surprised. I guess I was hoping that we would have had the chance to rebuild trust (from both sides) and work on things a bit more BEFORE the first hurdle came up so *shrugs*
But no never back together really.
I have 6 people who are also independently his friends. I have an idea it was one of two people (both guys) but you know, I really don't care. I will post whatever I feel ok posting and as long as its the Gods honest truth I don't CARE if someone shows him.
And yes, he is showing me over and over - and the more it happens the more I think - yes this is the REAL you and I don't want you.
Agree, you need to withdraw
Agree, you need to withdraw the "no complaint" thing - let him be charged. It's not "vindictive" for god's sake! "Vindictive" would be keying his car, getting him fired, tossing his golf clubs in the lake. It's "consequences". Do you really think it's "vindictive" for someone who stole your wallet to go in front of a judge? Or is it "justice"? You NEED some justice for yourself. The judge isn't going to throw the book at him just because you feel "vindictive" - the judge is impartial and applies the law for JUSTICE.
Also, all this? "I argue for this man and defend him and convince them that he's really a good guy, its just this step hell and he messed up, he acknowledges that and we are working things out, taking this any further will not help anyone." You "convinced" them (doubt they were that convinced) of a LIE. He is NOT a "good guy", he just proved that AGAIN. Stop defending him. Stop trying to protect him. Just... STOP. He has NO RIGHT to have you defend him from the consequences of his own actions, and that is NOT "vindictive" no matter how pissed you are.
Its ok LadyFace - she's right
Its ok LadyFace - she's right - it is stupid when you think about it. *I* am not stupid, but what I have allowed "in the name of love" IS stupid. even thinking of taking someone back who has done this stuff IS stupid.
As someone else (sorry I can't remember who) up there said - if ANYONE else in the world had done this shit would I even hesitate about pressing charges? NO. But because its clouded with "but I love him" I hesitate, and I want to work it out, and I don't want to cause him any trouble - and THAT IS STUPID!
It's also who I am. I am a people pleaser, I hate upsetting anyone or doing the "wrong thing" - you know what?
where I said "someone else" because I couldn't remember who it was - I felt SO guilty that I can't remember I almost went back to check it so I didn't offend or upset anyone. THAT is me - its a fault of mine, LOL I would hate to hurt anyones feelings, or do wrong by them, to the point I am slightly ridiculous!! I know this about myself. I'm working on it 
I restrained myself from leaving the comment to find the name - that's progress 
I agree. And it IS
I agree. And it IS stupid.
Fully. I am not a dumb woman - I am not stupid normally LOL
But I have trusted more than I should, wanted to believe more than was smart and put up with a lot more than any sane person would - all for "love" and that IS stupid.
Absolutely.
I will argue however til the cows come home that THIS time I hadn't jumped back in with both feet. I was taking every precaution I needed to but still going with trying to make it work.
I would retract my second
I would retract my second statement. Fuck him I say.
Luchay - I've been there and
Luchay - I've been there and done that. Men like this rarely change. Yes, there are those few who do, but they are few and far between. He has proven he will say and do whatever he needs to then revert back to his abusive nature when he doesn't get his way. Anger management rarely works either because in order for it to work he has to admit he has a problem and then he has to WANT to change. Abusers often feel the need to be in control of all situations and people. Admitting he needs help will remove that sense of control.
Protect yourself first, take bake your statement. In fact, ask if you can add to it. This may actually be more of a help to him then a move against him. If he sees just how far down he has fallen he MAY make the move to get help himself.
Luchay, girl, I am so sorry
Luchay, girl,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Honestly, he did you a HUGE favour. If he had been able to keep up the nice guy act for even a little bit longer, who knows where you would have ended up. This is God handing you a gift-wrapped second chance to see the truth and your asshole ex fell right into it. He showed his ass, again.This is the best thing that ever happened to you.
But I know it's so tough
(((((((you))))))))
I sent you a PM
He tried to push you down the
He tried to push you down the stairs in front of your child.
Let him suffer the consequences. No more talking with him expect thru texts and email.
Get all your ducks in a row and get him out of your life.
Nope only contact now is
Nope only contact now is business re selling the house - but I AM holding him to the not putting it on the market for at least 6 months while we work on it (*I* work on it he can't come here }:) }:) ) That gives me all the excuse I need to take my sweet time about it.
I have never stopped with the getting the ducks in a row. Despite agreeing to keep working on things I kept up with getting my life without him sorted. So in that respect nothing has changed, I am starting uni next week, I have been starting on projects around the house that need doing before we can sell.
I know a lot of you will say count your losses and sell now. but I really can't. I have NOTHING at the moment apart from what's tied up in this house. I wouldn't even be given a rental because I am not in a position financially to right now. So I have to stay here and get this place to the best I can before we sell it so I have something to start again with.
OH - ONE good thing though - which I have been puzzling over ever since he agreed to it AND did it, he signed my car back over into my name with no argument drama or fuss. I asked and he did it. That DID give me a glimmer of hope. Still have no idea why he did that but not complaining.
Nothing you can do or not do
Nothing you can do or not do will get you the validation from him that you crave. Get your validation from us. Get it from a counselor. DO NOT CONTACT THIS ASS EVER AGAIN. He has shown you more than once who he is. Would you take this from a friend? Hell no?? Then why take it from this jackass...?