The awkward situations because BM is crazy. I like SD & never want to keep DH from her. So for example - by freak accident BM & SD were in the same town as us last weekend & it was BM's weekend by default (was supposed to be DH's, but mothers day trumps so he let her keep her the whole weekend). So DH stopped by a park where she was to see her. He was going to take me & DS back to the hotel first but by then it would have been late & SD wouldn't have been there. I needed to nurse DS so I told him to go ahead & I'd nurse/soothe DS & by the time I was done he'd be back. I was right. SD came over to the car to give me a flower & say hey & give hugs. Things were as normal as they can be.

But I felt like I was in hiding. It was just awkward. I don't want BM around DS because she's so unpredictible and crazy, but sometimes that results in me feeling like the odd one out. BM, SD, & SD's extended family were out at the park & DH went over to play with SD but of course BM's family (who isn't crazy) was chit chatting with him asking how he was doing etc. & I just felt... awkward.

Those feelings are the most annoying now. I feel like I should never be the odd one out. But I feel like me & DS are sometimes. It's just a freak occurance, I know, but still.

For me it was having to deal with his ex. And then unfortunately her crazy leaked down to DH's kids and it just got worse. I heard "you hate my kids", "Mom says I don't have to listen to you", fought about double standards, fought about BM trying to continue to jerk DH around by his nose, etc.

Now? Things are a lot better, the SK's are grown (graduated from HS last year) but she still tries to insert herself. Usually it's calling DH to yell at him and tell him he has to "talk" to the SK's (neither are employed, and either not looking for jobs or only doing half-hearted searches, they stay up all night, sleep all day, blah blah blah). She did this the other night while we were enjoying our beautiful weekend evening mood. Needless to say, the mood went down the drain. I went from enjoying a glass of wine to gulping the entire bottle.

Why does he answer his phone when it's her? I dunno. I wish he wouldn't.

My secret fantasy is that within a year or 2 we'll be completely free of this. I don't even want to hop over to the "adult SK" board, because I don't want to squash my hopes and dreams.

For me it was not having the quality time with former SO that I wanted, when I wanted, especially when I was expecting it and my plans were blown. It sounds selfish and maybe it is but I always thought that X acted a totally different way when skid was around and I mostly all the time felt second best. I might have been unreasonable at times but firmly believe that he could not hadle the two of us (skid and I) together. The attention would always go to skid because I was also there when skid was not, so he deserved all the attention. Sorry, that's not how I see things.

if u'd asked me this a few years ago, my answers would've been WAAAAAAAYYY different!!!!

i feel fortunate that the majority of the shitstorms should be over for me. the thing right now that's hardest for me is we never had a honeymoon phase. ya know, people get married, have a honeymoon phase for a few years and establish a firm foundation for their marriage and relationship, *THEN* have kids.

we got it backwards. and that makes it tough sometimes. not horrendous, just not as the way it's supposed to be. which i think contributes towards the uncertainties of roles with regard to the step situation. but my parents made it through also - the step honeymoon period, when all else has "wrapped up" smoothly, will be once the kids are grown and self-sufficient.

i remember once coming home w/ my stepsister. we found a note "we're gone, dont know where we'll go or when we'll be back, but we'll call you." the harley was gone, there was $100 on the table. i was 16, she was 19. they'd begun their honeymoon phase we'd gotten older, had adjusted, they really hadnt had to deal w/ stepcrap for some years, no BM (my mom) problems or in-law issues.

those are kinds of things you do BEFORE kids, not just for fun but to build your marriage and keep the couple close. and i see dh and i doing things like that- kids now are 11, 15, and 17, dumbass is pretty "radio silent", and i simply just dont deal with, talk to, or see the in-laws. so there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but until then, the honeymoon phase will just have to wait....

like i said, we got it backwards, raising family happened first. it's sometimes awkward and weird and uncertain, and u miss certain things you needed as a couple in the beginning. to me, that's the most difficult right now, but it's all good

I thought that dating a man with kids, since I had kids was the right move. I have to say the worse part, is putting our lives on hold because we both have to pay CS. I can't even say just him.

The worse part is having to deal with the invaders eowe, or on vacation, which apparently is going to happen this year.

Knowing that OUR daughter has to sacrifice, what I mean by that is, we won't be able to afford certain things for her because of CS. I have 4 years of CS on my oldest and 8 years on my youngest, he has 9 years on the youngest and 6 years on his oldest, if BM doesn't help the oldest to become disabled (then she gets CS until 25).

The worse part is sharing my husband with another woman. Because whether we see it or not, we are sharing them, their time, their money and their life with the former Mrs DH. This sucks the worse for me.

Always having to schedule my life around everyone else's schedules. I can't even RSVP to weddings with SO as my plus one more than a month or two in advance because of our ever changing custody. I've gone alone to 3 weddings in the last year. I'm OK with it as I'm pretty social, but it still gets old

The idea my skids will ALWAYS be in my life can cause such panic attacks that my chest hurts. Seriously. I count the days until Judas turns 18. But even after that...

Having skids makes me physically ill. The stress of internal conflict between how I feel, how I wish I felt, how society says I should feel burns holes through me.

I don't want to admit to myself that no matter how hard I try, I can't be kind enough, compassionate enough, nice enough to make things easy and pleasant with skids. Just. Won't. Happen. Even when it seems things have made one step forward after a weekend with Mommy Dearest it's ten steps back.

I'd say the worst thing about being married to a man with kids, is being married to a man with kids.

For me, it wasn't even the "having to deal with BM/MIL/WHATEVER" part. It was the negativity and instability and uncertainty that was brought into our lives long after the actual "dealing with" (which was only maybe a conversation or something) ended. Knowing that an extraneous, usually negative, factor had control over your life is not something that makes people happy and that gets brought back into our home life. Or something happens with his mom or BM and he's in a shitty mood and won't tell me what's wrong (I have to figure out and ask him) but he snaps at ME or gives ME an attitude when its them he should be being a bitch to. I have to be the one to deal with him on a regular basis--for them it's just a single, negative confrontation that lasts a few minutes, for me, it's my life. I hated that something/someone else can affect him mood so much it affects how he treated me.

On the interesting side, the fact that DH always sided and protected me while giving everyone else a big fat middle finger made us really close during the turbulent times. But... even though he's proved himself over and over again, I still can't 100% trust him to take care of me when it comes to the step stuff, so I guess that makes me pretty horrible. I just always think, just because someone's never done something, doesn't mean they never will. So that distrust is an ugly thing in me that most likely wouldn't exist had we not been in this situation.

Besides the fact that I never wanted kids, one of the worse things was having to deal with the mothers of the kids and their bullshit (luckily, that's done with), the other is having to watch both of his daughters hurt my DH so bad. That will be never ending, I'm sure.

The worst things have changed over the years I’ve been with DH.

Early days it was the fact that he had them EWE, Friday to Saturday night. This meant that we never got to go away for a last minute weekend. I also ended going to endless weddings, christenings, family functions, etc solo even after we were serious. (Even though I was in a relationship I’d still get stuck with the older relatives asking when I’d ever settle down. Kind of LOL and kind of ouch) :jawdrop:

As we got more serious, it was the fact that we couldn’t live together unless I was willing to make a major life style change and move from the city to the suburbs. I just couldn’t do it. Even after we got married we still didn’t move in together.

At long last the kids started to age out and we decided that he could finally move across town further away from the now young adults and then fate decided to laugh at me. We had been living together for about 2 months when all hell exploded at BM’s house. To cut a very long and sordid story short police and social services said either OSS or YSS had to leave her house. As a result, my long awaited honeymoon period with DH was cut short when YSS moved in to our brand new home with us (hope this doesn’t give you all nightmares). }:)

We still have YSS living with us...

On the bright side, I’ve been given a timeline for this to YSS launch - November 2015. I’m sure this will be adhered to as DH has seen the toil that this has taken on my mental health.
And finally, there is the fact that none of my friends or relatives has any concept of what this has been like. STalkers is the only place I’ve been able to express how and feel and not be judged.

I was luckier than most. Skids never lived with us (my house), the worst came not when they were younger, but when they got older and could really manipulate DH with their little girl neediness as adults. At what point does 'cute' wear off? I would think by the time you get to your thirties. . . but damn those skids are SPECIAl. And DH is willing and complicit with the manipulation - say's he sees it, but really doesn't AND (I think) doesn't want to. Like notsure's DH, mine would get pissed about something HIS skids did and take it out on me. Wrong person to be pissed at DH.

It makes me wonder about the future. There are grands now, and I won't be seeing them (their mother's edict) so there's this big emotional corner of DH's life that I'm not part of at all. I've withdrawn from the in laws who I like, because no one seems to get that it really hurts when DH's family (who I thought was mine) is all gaga over bratty, entitled, self absorbed Skid because they procreated. After all these years, I'm really just filler - everyone can't wait to spend time with and tell stories about people who treated me like crap - and actually, DH and IL's - treated you like crap. In what universe would it be okay if that were turned around and my bios treated DH and his parents like crap? Yeah, none. . ...

I think it's probably easier to go into the relationship with conflict at the outset, because at least you'll know what you're heading into. I was lulled into false security, since the stakes were a lot lower when DH and I got together. Skids were launching and had little time for either parent, let alone SM. The drama came later with grown up skids when they decided their lives would be more perfect with a little stepford family.

Bah

just bah. . .

BM

There is nothing more to say...

Just BM

The thing that's been hardest for me is not having control. I'm learning to let go...but there are days when it's harder. I find myself drifting back to the "My bios aren't allowed to do this or that..so why are your kids allowed to do it?"..yep, for me it's the damn control...not my kids..so I have to sit back and watch their train wreck of a life. ...and like you..the fact that the skids are people I would not normally have in my life..and now I'm stuck with them lol.