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Tired of being tired

fedupstep's picture

Submitted by fedupstep on Sat, 05/16/2015 - 2:01pm

I'm at the point where I just want to pack my car and run away.

I did not sign up for this.

I'm tired of rarely being put first (or even second) in this family.
I'm tired of DH's chronic self pity and excuses.
I'm tired of being the only one that is working yet still does 80% of the housework.
I'm tired of feeling unappreciated.
I'm tired of DH allowing SD16 to dictate every visit and fuck any plans we may have.
I'm tired of broken promises (to me) and empty threats (to sd).
I'm tired of feeling not good enough no matter how hard I try.
I'm tired of crying in my car almost everyday because I'm so mentally, emotionally and physically drained from balancing 4 part time jobs and school and the housework and the finances..and...and...and...
I'm tired of DH having little bursts of clarity and helping out, then going back to not thinking of anyone but himself.
I'm tired of standing my ground, being told things will change and then it doesn't.
I'm tired of holding in my resentful for DH when he says he was 'too busy' to fold laundry when he was home all day and I had a 15 hour day.
I'm tired of being told that things will get better once he's back to work.

I came to realize, I have no peace in my life. I'm starting to think the only reason I haven't kicked DH out is because he owes my father a ton of money. If I find a new job, I will have to give up school (one of my jobs sponsors me).
Dh tells me he loves me, but it doesn't feel like it's enough anymore. I'm empty and broken. I am sitting 15 feet from Dh and SD16 right now and they don't even see that I'm crying. It feels like I have a noose around my neck and the more I try, the tighter it gets. The person I would normally run to is dying. My cell phone has 150 contacts on it and I can't reach out to any of them.

There is nothing I can do. I have to stick this out for at least 2 more years and be done school. I felt less lonely when I was living on my own.

Comments

No saint's picture

Submitted by No saint on Sat, 05/16/2015 - 2:22pm

I'm alone and miserable right now, feeling sorry for myself; of the maybe 100 contacts I have on my phone most have no idea what I'm going through and from the others I get a: "It will get better soon".
I'm not sure how to advise you on this. I started this reply the way I did because I felt like you when i was in my previous relationship. Former SO was an excellent provider but made me feel invisible, guilty and like my best wasn't enough on too many occasions. He ended up telling me to leave, and making me feel guilty for that (I wasn't the "mother" he expected for his kid and bla bla): fortunately (I guess) I found out a couple of days before moving out that he had been having a sort of a relationship with his secretary for the last year and a half (apparently there was no sex but plenty of talking about getting together and how he wanted to get rid of me).
Ok, that was 1 month and a half ago; I moved out and just now things are sinking in. I was enraged, at first, doing more or less ok but for the past 2 weeks have been feeling miserable, missing home and X. Yes, I know it will eventually go way and that we cannot allow that kind of abuse but before making any kind of decision, just make sure you are picking what makes you the most happy. Listen to other people but don't let the decision come from anyone else. It's your life and yours alone.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Sat, 05/16/2015 - 4:44pm

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
I have no advice, except to take care of yourself and me you the priority in your life. But we are here to listen and vent to anytime.

JustAgirl42's picture

Submitted by JustAgirl42 on Sat, 05/16/2015 - 5:08pm

It's hard to believe this, but when you're at your very bottom, there's no where to go but up. We have to believe that things will get better.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so low right now. It was hard to read your post...your pain is almost tangible.

My lord, would you even have time to see a counselor?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Sat, 05/16/2015 - 7:46pm

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I'm sorry (or... not... because this is weird... because this is normally a GREAT thing) that you are so kindhearted, because people who should love you have taken advantage of it. It's like the very positive trait that you have is being thrown in your face, and your heart is being stomped on for the simple reason that you are a kind and loving person.

There is nothing lonelier than being with someone who makes you feel alone. Being physically alone is better than that sort of private hell. You don't need to stick this out for 2 more years hon, the only one imposing that upon you is yourself. We humans have the freedom to do whatever we want at whatever moment we wish because we have free will, and where there's a will, there's always a way. Tangible things like, where will I live, what will I do, I don't have enough money--these are all inconsequential in comparison to your health and happiness. I'd rather walk out of my house, penniless and barefoot, but FREE than stay in a cage of misery.

Think about it. If you need anyone to talk to, we're all here.