Had a massive argument with DH
Last Sunday was SS13's big game. After enduring DH acting like a complete Disney daddy,BM acting like MOTY, both SILS getting into an argument with each other. Older SIL -Debbie-acting like best friends with BM, MIL sulking because FIL turned up with his partner and their daughter,Kate, I finally tried to talk to DH tonight about the test results, which resulted in a massive argument.
The Thurs before the game the IVF clinic rang with the results of some additional tests after my miscarriage in March. In addition to severely low sperm count DH has 45% fragmentation which is not good news at all. They have now put him on a course of vitamins for 3 months before we do another cycle. Since the results came in DH has stuck his head in the sand and doesn't want to discuss it. Tonight I tried telling him how I worry about us as I definitely don't want to be a SM if I can't be a BM. We'll DH blew a gasket saying we will deal with the situation as it arises and if the IVF doesn't work he doesn't see why it should cause us to split up. I just don't see myself being able to be ok with watching DH parent SS with BM whilst knowing we can never have a child together. If I have to remain childless then I certainly don't want my nose rubbed in it by being part of a stepfamily. The only way I see forward would be to remove myself from the situation.
Now DH has stomped off to his Mon eve football practise and we haven't resolved anything. He got particularly defensive when I said to him I'm worried about how we will end up living completely different lifestyles if we don't gave a family together.He asked what I meant and I said well for starters in would go back to full time work and on the weekends if I want to go away at the drop of a hat I can do that whereas he couldn't because of SS.
Oh well maybe if I too was an ostrich with my head in the sand I too could pretend everything is tickety boo!
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step-thing you hit the nail
step-thing you hit the nail on the head, because if I don't have a bio I will be childless and therefore want to live like a childless person. I certainly don't want to be inconvenienced by SS13, who is not an easy child at the best of times. My other SIL, Jane has told me outright she doesn't invite SS around that much because of his appalling attitude and behaviour. I am always polite to SS and never nasty to him but I have seriously started considering what my life may be like on my own.
oy, sooti. ur dh just took a
oy, sooti. ur dh just took a massive blow to his manhood. and you yourself took a massive blow to your dreams. both are devastating, but now your dh is facing loosing his WIFE as a result. ouch.
if this is really truly what you want, then you have to take care of yourself first. i also am a childless sm. for myself, i could not imagine growing old with anyone EXCEPT my dh - our time to be live as a childless couple will be after yss has launched.
that's also how my parents played it, and still enjoying it 20 years after i launched. they have been married well over 30 years and have spent two thirds of that time honeymooning!
Catlettuce we are not
Catlettuce we are not currently undergoing IVF, however you are right I am probably hormonal at the moment and hurting from the miscarriage of our twins 2 months ago (result of last IVF cycle). I certainly didn't marry DH just to get inseminated, however when we were dating I did ask him if he wanted anymore children, as I knew he already had SS. Had he said no at that stage that would have been a deal breaker for me. I would not have been ok being a SM and not a BM. Adoption is not something I am open to as DH would never fully accept the child and love the child as much as he love his bio child (his words not mine). Also it's worth mentioning that we both have fertility issues but he chooses to be in denial about his and that I find infuriating.What I meant about rubbing my nose in it is that I watch him raise a child with another woman, a child which was an unplanned pregnancy (not SS fault at all I'm not blaming him just to clarify), yet this is something we may never have / share together no matter how much money we throw at the problem.
step-thing you are right it is a grieving process and at the moment I am incredibly sad and angry all at the same time. Where you talk about repurposing life goals this is exactly what I tried explaining to him, we would end up living two completely different lifestyles in the end. Yet he chooses the ostrich approach.
Tuff Noogies unfortunately I don't ever see SS launching, he will probably be like one of those skids you read about in the adult skid section-30+ and still living at home.
Thank-you Step.tococis, and
Thank-you Step.tococis, and it's happens here too! SS is the be all and end all in this house too. I can totally understand a child may be the centre of the universe for the bio parents but I think it's a little unrealistic, and not to mention selfish to expect other people to feel that way about a child which is not theirs.
I find the double standard really annoying, when the nephews come around (both SILS kids) DH starts getting annoyed after 30 mins with them, and might I add all 3 boys are younger and much better behaved than SS, but lo and behold anyone felt the same way about the chosen golden child.
WHile I see your
WHile I see your point...
Can't you see how your insensitive comments would make your DH feel like he is nothing to you but a sperm donor and a paycheck?
You MARRIED him. For better and worse, in sickness and in health, good sperm count or bad.
Sue2 thank-you for
Sue2 thank-you for understanding my position.
Sally you are so right, at the end of the day I need to decide because I need to live with the consequences of my decision.
furkidsforme yes you are right to a degree I married DH for better for worse but please see the last comment of another step to understand my feelings about the situation. With regard to my DH just being a paycheck for me I should probably clarify that I have 3 degrees and was earning the same salary as him prior to going part time in order to do the IVF.Believe me taking a back seat in my career was not an easy decision to make.If we were to split up I would always have my career to fall back on.