Strong Husband like a Cowering Puppy with Ex

I’m a 30 year old single mom of a 5 year old son. Last year I got married to the love of my life who has 3 kids from 2 moms. The 2 oldest are amazing and there is absolutely no communication with the mom due to court orders and a smooth routine over the years. His youngest with his most recent ex on the other hand is a completely different story. They have a 6 year old daughter together and were never married. They were together for about 5 years, all of which he worked to support her staying home with their child (which she still does, living off of his child support). I am proud to consider myself a very patient, kind, and understanding person; however, when I first met his ex she was nice but there was something about her that threw me off, beside the fact of who she was. The more he told me about her and the arguments they had the more I disliked her, eventually turning into a raging hate to where when she was near me I had the urge of punching her in the face. I knew this negativity had to stop. I invited her out to dinner just the two of us. It went great and we got along. We texted and chatted for a while almost as if we were friends. Although, she continues to treat my husband like dirt. We were moving some stuff out of a company he used to own over the weekend (and where she lives). Every time we are there she would come out and yell, complain, and say the most annoying non-sense you’ve ever heard. Now, at this point I’ve learned that I cannot befriend this woman. She is off her rocker and so rude to my husband that I have too much respect to let someone like that into my life. But, the part that really gets to me is how my husband reacts to her. He is naturally a very strong man in every way except when it comes to her. He cowers down, agrees with insults she throws at him, and just sits back and takes it as I stand there enraged with my mouth dropping to the floor. He tells me that it’s easier to just not start a fight. I told him to never complain about her to me because the only reason she treats him like crap is because he lets her. How do I deal with this? I’ve talked to him about it and told him how it makes me feel but he doesn’t do anything about it. He tells me thank you for the outsiders perspective and that he will try standing up to her. He doesn’t get mad but at the same time I know it’s not my place to tell him how to handle his ex. I reminded him that their daughter is watching it all unfold as well and she is learning how to treat him from her mother. Another issue that bothers me is that he refuses to take her off his facebook. I know it sounds petty but why? Why have someone who is such a negative force in your life on there? He cannot stand her, always complains about her in every way, and hates that he has to deal with her. He even has old pictures of them together and tells me there’s no point in taking them down and he wants to keep them for their daughter when she’s older… Ugh. I told him to have absolutely no communication with her unless it is about their daughter. Even then she complains about everything he’s doing wrong so I encouraged him to get a court order so it doesn’t have to happen. He agrees but I know he won’t do it. I am so exhausted from all this and have no clue how to feel, what to do, what to say.. any advise from any other step parents out there? 

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That is so true Clever. I

That is so true Clever. I don't want to be anything like his ex and start complaining about him. He is perfect for me in every way and I love him so much. I don't want to be negative so I've told him how I feel and it's up to him how to handle it. Thank you for the advise. I'm going to tell him next time she'll be around just us that I will not being going because I cannot watch how she treats him. Instead of "Don't complain about her because you're bringing it on yourself" I'll just let him vent when he complains and keep my thoughts to myself. I would want the same from him in that situation. I cant change either of them, but I can change how I react and speak about it. Thank you so much for the advice!

Oh no. You had dinner with

Oh no. You had dinner with her? Never try to be friendly with crazy.

Moving on to your current situation...Does he sit there and say "yes, I'm a piece of shit, you're right and I'm sorry" or does he ignore her? If he's ignoring her when she starts throwing a tantrum, I'd agree with how he's handling it. That's not agreeing with her, it's ignoring her.

As for the FB? Nah, no need to be FB buddies. That just invites her into his life. The photos? Sure, save them for skid in case she wants them someday but they should be put away in a box in the attic, not on display in your home.

Agree with Clevergirl. Avoid

Agree with Clevergirl. Avoid witnessing this behavior. Even avoid being around for the venting from time to time.

I used to ride along with dh for pickup and dropoff because it was nice to have that time together, the 25 minute drive. Also, we didn't have to stop whatever we were doing to drop me off first.

But I couldn't stand her house and I couldn't stand their interactions. I didn't go anymore. What a relief. Very sorry to miss the drive with him but it wasn't worth what was waiting for me at the other end.

Then BM started doing one dropoff a week at our house. She'd barge right in all the way down the hall, into the kids rooms, use the bathroom, stand in the dining room yakkety yakking endlessly while our dinner got cold. This intrusion bothered me in an exponential progression the longer it went on. Finally, I stopped cooking dinner that night at all.

Now, since January of '15, we have been in the driveway in the car with the ignition on when she pulls up. Whatever she brought goes in the trunk. We zoom off for dinner elsewhere. She hasn't been inside our house for 6 months.....B.L.I.S.S.

I used to roll my window down and say hello. Again, can't stand hearing the interactions. Now I just wave through the window and point my nose elsewhere till we drive off.

And sometimes I just make other plans for Friday night. Don't wanna deal with any of it whatsoever. Don't ask about it when I come home, either.

This is not ideal because what would be ideal is that my husband change his interactions with her and with his children. He has tried. But he's probably gone about as far as he can. So what's left is for me to minimize how much I witness. Saved my sanity, yes, indeed.

hold on, at first I simply

hold on, at first I simply thought he was a ball-less wonder. but with the remaining being facebook friends and PICTURES IN THE HOME???? i'd lay dollars to donuts he's still emotionally attached to her. granted, removing her off his facebook friends lists MAY cause a confrontation, but removing her pictures from your home won't! stand up woman! this is your HUSBAND. get rid of his other woman. demand he remove her from his facebook, and torch those pics. the kids don't need couples photos of when they're mommy and daddy loved each other. and, neither do you. I think it's deeper than simply being non-confrontational. he'd rather upset you than upset bm?? I. don't. think. so.

It is hard to see your DH be

It is hard to see your DH be treated like crap and not be able to do anything to fix it or protect them. I feel your pain. I am a very loyal person and if you hurt someone I love, my reaction is to strike back and strike hard. When it comes to the BM...we just can't do that. So, we have to pull away from the crazy. I was finding myself starting to loss respect for my DH due to how he lets BM treat him. If finally hit me that I cannot control him anymore than he can control me. We will react to things totally different. I had to limit the exposure I had to BM and to her behavior toward DH. I no longer to on Drop offs or pick ups...I would stay in the car and wait for DH to get the kids. BM would keep DH inside her house talking forever ON PURPOSE knowing I was outside waiting. Nope..no more for me. I refuse to attend any sporting events for the SS's. Had enough of BM and her SO trash talking us loud enough for us and the whole crowd to hear.
Early on I tried to be UberSM and went to the YSS ball game while DH was at work. I was treated very very rudely by BM and her SO and refused to ever go again.
The less interaction I see between DH and BM, the less issue DH and I have with this situation.

Sounds like a bit more than

Sounds like a bit more than he's just not standing up to her...why the pictures? He agrees with her insults? He seems to still have an attachment. Put those pictures in a box for the kids to have when they grow up, or to keep in their room. No reason to display them in the house. You need to demand more from him, you deserve better and he's taking the heat from you so he doesn't have to take it from her... does that tell you anything? Make him do better.

Do I have this right? You are

Do I have this right? You are married...AND...there are picture of your DH and
Ex-wife on the wall. HELL NO! This would be a deal breaker for me.

I am so sorry. That is so wrong.

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