What are your Non-negotiable House Rules?
A question for the S-talkers.
I feel like I've done a pretty good job disengaging. I am friendly with my skids, hang out with them when I feel like it...don't feel guilty about it anymore when I don't feel like it. I count down the days they're here, but only because I like having my home on the less-noisy, less-chaotic side, not because I'm miserable or can't stand them. I am able to enjoy being with them while also enjoying their departure now 
My question is house rules? They are good kids, but recently (in their teen years) they've started to get a little mouthy about chores and other expectations, and they've started hanging out in their rooms a lot more. My SD15 will also park herself in the recliner on Saturday after she gets home from work and on Sunday and watch hours upon hours of dumb reality TV (Say Yes to the Dress and other fashion or cooking competition shows are her favorites, and I just can't stand the constant blather...) Then, she'll talk back when my DH tells her to get to her chores. In her defense...she does the chores, just not without whining / making it difficult. Also, she does have a job at a local bakery that she loves...and she goes in super early 3-4 days a week (5:30 am or so before school, 6 or 7 am on Saturdays) while still making A's and B's. She pays for a lot of her own activities and clothing now and is generally a good kid. I'm just a little floored b/c at her age I would never have considered monopolizing the TV for hours on end. I always had to ask if I could turn it on / watch something.
What are the TV rules in your house? And the food rules? SS is always in the kitchen, and he always leaves a mess...doesn't put things away properly or wrap them up, so I'm forever finding stale crackers, dried out cheese, etc. I feel like there should be limits or times when the kitchen is "open" and times when it's not.
Do I just let these things go for the next 1-2 years? Or do I make an issue of it?
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Yeah. I'll try to bring it up
Yeah. I'll try to bring it up in a non-confrontational way. It's actually SD that watches way too much TV (SS barely watches any) and SS who is a tornado in the kitchen. Maybe I'll decide which behavior bothers me the most and bring up one thing at a time...SD this month, SS next month or vice versa
our kids have their own
our kids have their own tvs-so this is a non issue.
I would say if I had your SD-I would get her her own tv or allow her to buy a tv for herself for her room since she seems so responsible with work and school. If she wants to spend a day vegging-I'd let her.
Food-has to be eaten at the table-dishes in the sink-any mess cleaned up.
If they dont-then Dad or I get on their ass to do it right away.
No fighting over electronics or its gone for the day.
Clothes go into the hamper or else dumped on their bed and they can wash their laundry.
My kids are a bit younger so there's much more.
Your SD sounds like an
Your SD sounds like an awesome young lady. If she doesn't have a TV in her room, why offer to split the cost of one with her? Hell, I would even consider getting her one as a reward for being such a responsible kid.
I refuse to play (or allow anyone else to play)the food police in my home. While kids were free to help themselves to food/snacks, there were consequences in place for not cleaning up when you made a mess.
Yeah...I agree with you.
Yeah...I agree with you. Being the food police makes me not like myself / feel petty
But I also grew up in a fairly regimented, disciplined home, and I think it did me a lot of good (I'm the oldest of six, so my parents had systems in place for everything...a survival thing, I'm guessing). I truly don't like the kitchen being open all the time...but it's also only EOW. I think if I can get him some training about how to put food away so it doesn't go to waste, this will be a non-issue.
I also agree that my SD is a great young lady. She has some annoying habits and mannerisms right now (what 15-year-old doesn't?) but she's caring, responsible, got a big heart and a great head on her shoulders. She's going to go far, I'm sure, and we've always been close...especially once I quit beating myself up for my less-than-loving feelings that I had at times and just let myself enjoy the kids when I felt up to it and enjoy my space when I didn't...
Problem is that her room doubles as my office since we have a small house. There's really no room for a TV. SS has a TV in his room, which is in the half-finished basement. Maybe when he goes to college this fall (if he gets in anywhere...totally different story from SD on the responsibility front) we can give her the basement room and I can keep my office to myself
lol. I don't know what there
lol. I don't know what there is to "agree" about. We own a two-bedroom home outright and I work from home. We finished off and added HVAC to half of the basement. It's now a really big room with a solid opaque curtain dividing it in half, two beds, and an over-sized chair that folds out into a large single bed for friends...when they were younger SS and SD shared the basement room. A couple years ago she asked me if she could have my office as her room instead and I agreed...spent a significant amount of money to get her a new bedroom set, bedding, etc. I think it's weird for boys and girls to share a room past a certain age, even if there is a physical division of some sort. I know it's unavoidable for some families...and families in other countries think that the American obsession with each kid having his/her "own" room is weird. It certainly leads to a sense of entitlement and, often, a failure to launch, in my observation. They don't have their own rooms here...they have a space where we let them sleep and keep some things. They don't own it.
I make a lot of money in that office, a lot of which gets spent on skids. She's here EOW, and I don't use it as an office while she's here. It's just that with the desk / cabinetry plus her daybed and dresser...there's no room for a TV. I actually don't agree with kids having TVs or unrestricted computers in their rooms, anyway, so that's a non-issue. SS has a TV in his room, but it's a really old one with no service. All he can do is watch DVDs on it.
I guess I just have a different sense of what kids "deserve" - I once had a guy tell me that he feels like his kids "deserve" whatever he has...i.e. if he has a big flat screen in his room, they should all get big flat screens in their rooms. He told me that he won't upgrade his phone until he can upgrade his kids' phones, too. "If I get a new iPhone 6, I think my DD9 'deserves' a new iPhone, too." WTH. I have a real problem with that word "deserves" to begin with. And while I do think my SD probably needs some time to veg out...and we certainly give it to her...I don't think she "deserves" to watch 8 hours of mind-rotting TV because she worked for 5 hours on a Saturday.
Oh no! If the skids lived
Oh no!
If the skids lived here full-time I would probably find another place to live! I feel horrible saying that. How is it that you can like and love people but have a firm line like that in your mind. There's just no way I could do it.
In my mind, I always remind myself that there are tons of people who I like and love who I wouldn't want to invite to live in my house. Doesn't make me a bad person
Honestly, I'd love to have another room for SD so that I could have an office that isn't intruded upon, but it's really not a huge deal for me / my productivity if she takes it over EOW.
I'm the same way with the
I'm the same way with the food. Mostly because I have meals pretty much planned out for the week and when SS16 binges on 3 bowls of cereal as lunch, that effects my grocery shopping. I buy certain things for breakfast, lunches and dinner. When they eat whatever they want, whenever they want, that messes with my meals. Me no likey. Just tell DH you buy certain groceries for certain things, and it can't be a free-for-all. Unless he wants to start shopping for them on his own. Things changed when I threatened that! You could also just have a snack bin or something in pantry and fridge if they just need something to grab. I'd have DH be the one to explain any rule changes to them though.
Yes! Exactly. I'm not wanting
Yes! Exactly. I'm not wanting to be the food police...but i hate it when I've fixed a good, healthy lunch and I turn around and SS is pouring himself a bowl of cereal 10 minutes before lunch is ready. It drives me insane...as does the wasting of good food due to laziness / sloppiness.
LOL At their ages,I think
LOL
At their ages,I think they should be free to decide if they want to eat. Growing up, mom my cooked one meal. Once we were teens, we were free to eat what was cooked, grab a bowl of cereal or a sandwich. I had the same rule in place wirh my son. When exDF and I were together, his older two had the same options.
It took a while for ex to adjust to that because he grew up in a home full of food police (his grandparents and aunts). BM2 was a food warden, but only with his oldest 2 children(her stepkids). I think he just assumed I would flip over food as well. As long as the kitchen wasn't trashed, I was fine
True. Maybe I'm still trying
True. Maybe I'm still trying to treat them like they're 8 and 10...
I don't buy a lot of junk and no soda...when they're craving sugary drinks they buy them themselves. I do buy kid cereal because they love it and I think overall they eat really healthy. It's not really a matter of eating too much or eating too much of the wrong thing or me wanting to overly-police what they eat...I just hate the kitchen being messy all the time when he's here. And I hate being in the middle of cooking after he's left only to find that a key ingredient has dried out in the fridge because SS didn't put it back correctly. He has literally put a nearly-whole block of cheese back in the drawer with nothing...no baggie, no saran. Just the block of cheese, completely dried out. Plus, we live in the south...so blobs of jelly on the countertops = roaches.
I've tried to show him how to clean up after himself and how to store food. I've shown him where the clips are. It just doesn't stick with this one
I agree that SD sounds very
I agree that SD sounds very responsible. I have a different perspective on having a tv in her room. I have a DD, 15, and I want to know what she is watching and she's in her room enough as it is.
It might not be a bad thing for SD to spend more time in her room for your sanity. Just giving you my opinion. I have nothing about SS and his culinary mishaps.
Skids have their own kitchen
Skids have their own kitchen / own fridge heaven knows what's in it , I don't even want to know ( my guess is it's not salad and kale juice ) . They also have their own TV and I am not monitoring when and what they watch since this is DH's job .
Your SD 15 sounds great. Getting up so early and still having great grades - she could watch what she wants in my house !
Fair enough. I should just
Fair enough. I should just invest in some noise-canceling headphones and let her veg out
Your set-up sounds great! I would love to have something like a MIL suite for the skids. I like having the basement room for their friends if they come over...but I do sometimes wish we had more space. I love this house, though. It's a cute cottage downtown, great location...well-decorated, cozy, and PAID for...so I hate to give all that up just to get another room. Especially when skids are soon-to-launch.
SD really is a sweetheart. She also watches our dog for us whenever we go out of town (she loves our dog...and she loves having some alone time at our house!) She's a little cloying right now with her speech and mannerisms...like, sugary...trying too hard to sound hip / cool. Sometimes listening to her talk grates on my nerves...but I know it's a teen thing and it will pass. We've been close and even though her older sister actually actively tried to PAS her against her dad and against me...it didn't work. She's very independent and takes a lot of initiative for her age.
My kid watches streaming tv
My kid watches streaming tv on his computer with head phones on. It works great. He can veg in the living room and I don't have to hear his tv.
Food.....they can eat but not before dinner. If they don't clean up, they get a talking too. But I don't police food. I buy so little junk food.
I think the kitchen should be
I think the kitchen should be closed in our house after meal times. He's free range feeding and leaves messes everywhere.
Nothing pisses me off more than ss14 leaving the cheese unsealed, brand new just bought huge box of cereal from Costco open...*rage* tortillas put back in the fridge unwrapped, crumbs all over the counter, peanut butter all over the loaf of bread wrapper as he made the sandwich on the wrapper still full of bread..... WTF
He lost his privilege to cereal after he decided he didn't want to use soy milk. I never have cow milk so he must have forgot I guess. He dumped the bowl back into the box.... Not the open bag, the box. Then he left the bag open for the rest of the full bag to go stale and cheerios all over the box.
I just can't even.....
I took a picture, showed it to DH who is completely oblivious to SS in the kitchen, and he made him seal up the bag and corrected his behavior, or so he thought. This continued about 3 more weekends until I just started keeping the cereal in the pots and pans, and now SS14 thinks we don't buy any more cereal.
He leaves his paper plate balanced on TOP of the garbage can. RAGE!!!! So I'm the one usually who goes in at dinner to start cooking, go to use the garbage, and there is SS paper plate (which I bought for him since he just leaves real dishes all over) balancing on top of the garbage can.
He will also balance dirty peanut butter knives between the two sinks on the ledge, or just leave them on the counter, with sticky goo all over.
I did buy more peanut butter, but I didn't know that SS doesn't like chunky peanut butter lol.... haven't had any peanut butter mishaps in awhile since Costco sells it in 2 packs!!
I don't know how his mom puts up with it, and it killed me to just let it fly in our house.
DH goes deaf and blind when SS is here. He's gotten better about keeping an eye on SS in the kitchen, but I'll only give him a C for effort.
It's like you're living my
It's like you're living my life. This is the exact kind of sloppy behavior I'm talking about.
Non-negotiable: No SS30 in my
Non-negotiable:
No SS30 in my home. (although I did allow him in for 10 minutes once in the past 3 years).
No money to SS or his GF - even for the baby. (but did send a modest present)
No slamming doors No
No slamming doors
No screaming
No leaving shoes in front of the door
No leaving coats all over furniture / includes DP
No wet towels on furniture / includes DP
No jumping on furniture.
No leaving personal things in living room at end of day (or I dispose of it)
My wish list if DP helped?
No food whatsoever in bedrooms
Trash in SDs rooms must be cleaned out by SDs
SDs must clean their own bathroom
SDs must load/unload dishwasher
Oh man. I wish I could get DH
Oh man. I wish I could get DH to enforce zero food in bedrooms as well. Tired of finding crusty food everywhere.
Yeah, I stopped looking. I
Yeah, I stopped looking.
I even found dirty dishes in SD12s dresser.
I couldn't even do it any longer.
There's food on her floor.
And if we get pests? DP will pay 100% of it.
Leave the bathroom the way
Leave the bathroom the way you found it
No food in rooms-only a water cup is allowed for bedtime
No wet towels/bathing suits on floor or furniture
When you leave your room in the morning to join the rest of the world your bed needs to be made
No personal items left in living room
Trash in rooms must be removed by them when they leave
Linens must be removed when they leave
No jumping or running
No grabassing or throwing of any toys
EDITED to add: NO SKID is allowed in our room; for anything at all at anytime.
I am so amused. My wish list
I am so amused. My wish list is much too longer to even answer on this thread.