You are here

New to Blog 26 SD Princess

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 2:09pm

Where to begin... SO and I have 2 kids together Bio daughter 24 who also has a 3yr old daughter and a 17 year old Bio Son. SO has a 26 year old daughter. Our kids are half sibling. SD has lived with us since she was 18 years old. SO was Disneyland dad to SD only. When our family had parties vacations or other fun activities SD was always,always invited or attended. SD doesn't get along well with her Birth Mom, 24 hours is about the limit. When SD was younger she was very quiet and polite and enjoyed being around us. For most of her visits with her father, me and my children did other things so that SO and SD had time to bond and form a father daughter relationship. Years later our BD and BS are hurt because SD was always treated like the princess on her visits. SD continues to expect that treatment. 8 years later that S%i# is getting old. SO did not want to see it for the longest time. He still gets defensive when I just say her name. I have started to refer to her as "HER". SD is the only thing we ever fight about. He allows her to be rude and disrespectful to him and everybody else. But if the other two kids are slightly out of line he comes down on them like they had committed murder.

I have tried ignoring. I have left...we have been to counseling. I disengage etc.. Last night I just blew it. It was really over something so stupid. SD does nothing in the house. Once a month I may ask her to clean the bathroom (which she spends a lot of time all the time in the bathroom.) a few days ago I asked her to clean it and she did but with Windex and paper towels who the "F" does that? Then since she can't seem to figure out when dishes in the dish washer are clean you don't put dirty dishes in it, I made a sign. So when I start the dishwasher I place the sign. She took the sign off and did not put the clean dishes away or replace the sign. So I take this as she is effing with me. Which may or may not be true. Since this is really nothing compared to the stuff she pulls and I am so pissed I though I better join the group for advise and so I can learn just to totally disengage. Any Ideas... ways to get through to the little princess.

Comments

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:06pm

SD has a BA degree in Criminology. She works part time and is working to get on with the police dept. Personally I don't see it especially when she has to ask daddeeee to come kill a spider in her room. She graduated 3 years ago. She pays no rent. No other house hold expenses. No cell phone bill or buys food other than when she is out with friends. Daddy gives her money when ever she asks. I cook dinner every night or bring home take out. I work full time.

I have tried to talk to DH about an exit plan and other life skills that BM must have left out. At the same time to make it non confrontational I told him we need to work on our 17 year old so he has somewhat of a direction to work towards. I am always telling him he needs to teach her things its his job to do it. She came to our house as an adult and will not listen to me. I am not her Mom or Dad and my view my ways are a slam to her BM.

When ever I say something about something out of place or broken she says "she just wasn't paying attention" or denies that it was her that did it.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Submitted by Stepped in what... on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:10pm

Why in the world would she ever move out? She lives on easy street.
DH is the issue and this will continue until she finds another man to pay her rent or you get her as* out.

Let DH know the proper way to spell parent isn't PAYRENT. If he was effective at parenting when she was a child he wouldn't be PAYRENTING now.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:08pm

She doesn't get along with her mother. My opinion Daddy feels guilty because he didn't live in the same house with her growing up. I even told him that once...Can you imagine how that was? I think he didn't speak to me for 2 weeks lol...

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:11pm

Yep they do. The last few months they both have been vocal about it and he is trying to make amends but the healing process will take some time. With the princess around it is sometimes like pouring salt in to a wound. I talk to them and try to reason with them. There is more to it, It has a lot to do with how he was raised but its not a good enough excuse. Its a work in progress.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:12pm

Lazy

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:12pm

Lazy

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:20pm

I get what you are saying. I think a part of me thought that it would help with the bond he thought he missed out on when she was growing up. I never dreamed it would be such a nightmare or I would not have agreed.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:14pm

Yes that is true. BD moved back home 2 weeks ago. Needs time to get on her feet. How can I say no with a SD leaving free.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:22pm

That is true. BD would pay if I asked her to. She provides for her and her daughters needs and pays her own cell phone bill. Doesn't ask me for money and she took me to dinner last night. So other than her not paying any rent she is standing on her own.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 5:07pm

Good advice. I will be asking for $300.00 from my daughter and encourage SD's daddeee to do the same. Even if that money is put into an account for when BD or SD is ready to go out on their own again and given back to them for things they may need.

BD just broke off her 6 year relationship with my granddaughters father. This is why she is back home. I get what you are saying, but I also believe that BD needs a month or two of slack. She has been out of the house and taking care of her own household since she became pregnant.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Submitted by Stepped in what... on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:26pm

I'm confused, how many kids (yours and his) are living with you? Do you have grandkids living with you all as well?

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 5:09pm

We have 2 together 24 BD and a 17 BS. Our 24 yr old has a 3 year old daughter. His daughter is 26.

Total of 3 kids and 1 grand kid.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:32pm

I love the last one....

Dad would have to ask her for it but yes you are right.

If we ask her to pick something up at the grocery store she expects to be reimbursed for it. She works a effing grocery store. You think at 26 she would think to pick up a gallon of milk. Hell no she text her daddeeee to do it. And the kicker is he does.

I don't do her laundry so I am good there.
I did change the password on the wifi and didn't give it to her for 3 months because she kept going over her data plan. Time to do that one again and never give it to her. Cable I delete her recorded shows that makes me feel a little better.

We had one at one time but because I didn't assign new jobs every week she stopped doing stuff. You read how she cleaned the bathroom right?

I don't buy her any personal items but I am sure she gets money from Dad.

I would love to hear all of you ideas.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 4:55pm

I have taught my 2 kids what they need to do in life and am very confident that they will be productive adults. Our son is also on the autism spectrum but has more sense of life than SD does. My hands are tied as far as she is concerned if DH doesn't support me in teaching her how to conduct herself I have no leg to stand on. If he will not reprimand her for being disrespectful or mouthy to me in our home how do you think me teaching her or re-teaching her about adult expectations is going to fly.

I have always stepped aside so that the child-parent relationship could grow. I shouldn't have to step aside to form an adult parent to and adult child relationship.

I do not appreciate what DH is teaching his daughter and I tell him all the time that it is his job to teach his adult daughter how to behave as an adult. If it was up to me and I had support I would not be on the site looking for answers or advise.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Wed, 03/09/2016 - 7:36pm

OK o how about you moving out? Just you. You need some 'space' to work out what to do next. Let DH live at home with his daughter for more than 10 days. Let him come home to her open hand and nothing done around the house. Let him see how his life will be with you gone.

Another thing to tell him is that at 26 his daughter should be able to live on her own. Not teaching her how to do that perfectly normal function is like child abuse. He is crippling his daughter because he feels guilty. So his guilt equals never allowing his daughter to be independent and a grown up. How abusive is THAT? And how selfish. He isn't teaching her anything except how to expect every man in her life to take care of her and never have a clue how to function without a man. And then ask him what would happen if he died? What then? Who would do everything for her? Because you will not be in any position to do that.

If you make it more about him and less about her he may be more receptive. Or not.
I think every kid gets one misfire and can come home to regroup and learn form their experience.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Thu, 03/10/2016 - 4:38pm

I agree with your comments. I have told him that she has been taught by her BM and him to rely on a man. I also have told him that one of these days she is going to do something and he will be so disappointed and she won't have anything to do with him anymore. I told him I won't be there to pick up the pieces because he had the chance to make her stand on her own.

I am planning on moving out with just my kids. I am looking for a house to buy and have been since Oct. At first I did not tell him but my son had a moment of father son time finally and he spilled the beans. I am really not mad about it and for awhile we talked about buying some place together but his situation is never going to change and if it does he will be expected to pick her a$$ up every time she falls/fails and I want no part of it. He knows if something happened to him I will not be any help to her. I truly am sorry about that but since I was not allow to assist in teaching her how to function as an adult I can't be bothered by stupid. Up until a few years ago I treated her exactly as I treat my own children.

I have tried to make it about him and it worked a little but I think he is stuck in a rut of trying to make her happy and trying to make me happy. We all know that that never works especially when there is a dysfunction. Its not about him picking her over me its about him teaching her what she should already know at this time in her life.

Just to be clear my 24 year old with a child will be paying her portion of the house payment.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Thu, 03/10/2016 - 5:02pm

1. That is so true. Funny thing is I thought that way for a long time too. But SD doesn't have enough knowledge to run a household. What she does have is the knowledge how to work a man. I do not mean in a sexually way (I don't think lol) but in some ways she is still trying to be the mini wife. I hate to admit this but some times my mind goes there.

2. I have done that since they were little and started bringing up the differences they seen or felt. I have always told them I am sorry they feel that way but I cannot control Dad and I can't speak for them. They need to tell Dad how they feel. I don't know that I agree teaching them to be disrespectful towards Dad but I have no problem encouraging them to stand up for their rights and feelings.

3.That would work if it were up to me. If it was I can guarantee Daddeeee would give SD the money for rent to give to me.