How should I handle this?
Because I really don't know!
Since the court order SD has been making comments about her life with BM - just random bits and pieces. Yesterday she said some stuff about a boyfriend of BM who social services said wasn't allowed around the children but that BM allowed him to sleep over and stay when the kids were there. He even used to hide when BM's mother went round.
She has also mentioned various violent incidents and times when BM has been drunk and they haven't been able to wake her up when they were alone with her.
I don't know why she has started saying all this stuff unless she feels safe here now?!
It is stuff from the past 5 years or so up to very recently. Comments about BM's boyfriends and how fast they moved in, how after a fight no one could mention it again, and stuff about BM getting drunk a lot and sometimes leaving the kids on their own.
At the moment it is me she is telling this to (she knows I keep her dad in the loop) but maybe she finds it easier as BM directly said that she wasn't to tell her dad some of this stuff.
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It might be naive but I don't
It might be naive but I don't think she is playing me - she doesn't really have anything to gain as we are not going to confront BM and it doesn't change anything really as we have the order. Since we got the order and she knew she was staying here it is like little by little she is talking about stuff that she has seen and stuff that has happened. I know that BM was set that family secrets should be kept and have heard her say stuff to the kids about be careful who you talk to or social services will put you in care and split you up.
Maybe it is an attention thing?! But at the same time both kids get joint and one to one attention from both me and their dad.
Some of it rings true and some of it has been witnessed and SD has had to give statements to the police before.
My SD used to tell me stuff
My SD used to tell me stuff like that about her drunk mother, I'd tell my husband, he'd confront BM, BM would yell at SD, SD would wind up angry w/ me.
I think SD wants it taking
I think SD wants it taking out of her hands so she doesn't get in trouble with BM. So the court decided they would live here without SD having to say she didn't want to live with BM anymore so she got what she wanted and BM still believes that SD wants to live with her.
I think the best way to
I think the best way to handle this is to tell her what you would have done in those situations. These situations she's telling you about are unfortunate but there's nothing you can do to change the way BM acts around her children. The best you can do is encourage her on how to problem solve or cope with it. When she tells you BM's creep is over you say "oh, well if I were you I would just go watch tv in my room until he's gone" or something like that. I'm not saying ignore what she's telling you-definitely find out who he is and if he can be around children but don't go off all charged thinking you're about to do anything. She says BM's passed out drunk and won't wake up, you say "if you're worried about her why don't you call GBM to help you?" Give her ideas on how to problem solve her own life with BM. It's really the only and best thing we can do sometimes.
The kids are here full time
The kids are here full time now so it isn't a huge urgent issue of them being in danger right now. Other than the emotional blackmail and guilt trip stuff. We are working on SD's confidence and helping her to understand that she has a say in her own life.
She said when BM was passed out they (SD and SS) were scared but knew that if they told anyone that BM would be crazy mad when she found out. And she does get seriously out of control and volatile over any little thing never mind what she would probably see as betrayal.
If it were me, I wouldn't do
If it were me, I wouldn't do anything. I'd listen, but I'd work really hard not to react. With my skids, I find that they're trying to figure out whether they should be upset and/or whether we support them in being upset, so they float all the BS that BM pulls just to see what we'll do.
We are damned sure not taking up their cause with BM at this point, so there's no where for it to go.
I didn't say oh gosh that is
I didn't say oh gosh that is awful what a horrible person or any of that. I stuck with my general way of letting her talk and focusing on her feelings rather than BM. It felt like she was asking for permission to be mad at her mum without actually asking. BM has never allowed the kids to question her or disagree with her.
There is no point talking to BM as she has a track record of lying about pretty much everything.
I do listen to her and don't
I do listen to her and don't ask leading questions or prod for information from her but she seems to be wanting to get it off her chest at the moment.
I have taken notes and have
I have taken notes and have let my boyfriend know what has been said. He backed up the timings. So he remembers BM's boyfriend being banned from being around the kids by social services and that BM said she was sticking with that but that she briefly dated him when she didn't have the kids. But SD states that the boyfriend was around and had to hide when BM's mother came around.
I would like to think that they don't make up stories about this house - I expect the have complained about punishments etc.
I would cut her off when she
I would cut her off when she starts telling the stories. You have no way of knowing if they are true or not. Kids love to be "reporters" on things that they think are going to stir up troubles because they get extra attention while the story is checked into. Unless you have other reasons to be concerned (New odd behaviors, bruises, child appears to be losing weight or is dirty, etc) then I'd just put a stop to it.
I don't know if it is all
I don't know if it is all strictly fact but the dates tie in with the "truth" that BM tells about certain incidents. She tends to paint herself in a very good light though - BM will never admit to being wrong or doing anything bad towards the children. It is like BM has glossed over the really bad stuff and given a very mild version of events.
The stuff happening now and recently is *just* comments from BM to the kids about me and their dad. The other stuff (drinking / violence / being left alone) is all prior to the court case a couple of months ago. And going back over years and involving different boyfriends that BM had.
Is she normally a gossip or
Is she normally a gossip or troublemaker? If she is, then I would do what everyone else said...just ignore it. If not, then I would pay attention and take notes (just in case you need it later). Some of those are serious, but you have no way to know.
She doesn't normally gossip
She doesn't normally gossip really. She has never really said much about what her mum has done or what has happened in the past - not until all this court stuff happened anyway. This is serious stuff too not just BM said this or that.
I would give her a hug and
I would give her a hug and tell her that you're sorry she had to witness these things.
Tell her that BM was doing the best she could, that none of what happened is SD or SSs fault and that it's okay to love people, even when they hurt you. But that doesn't mean you deserve to be hurt or used.
Let her know that she's safe now and she's loved.
Then leave it alone. I think she just wants to let things go. I know for me, talking about what's happened is the only way to stop thinking about them. I don't need anyone to fix anything or give me advice. I just need to verbalize things in order to let them go.
Writing about them helps too. Which is why it's nice to come here and vent.
BM wasn't doing the best she
BM wasn't doing the best she could - she chose to put the kids in danger over and over. We went the route of loving someone and still being able to dislike their behaviour.
It is just sad that SD (and SS but he is younger) have seen this stuff. SD especially is seems to think she has to be "good" to be loved. She seemed to want to get it all out. But I think there is still more stuff that she isn't talking about.
Venting is good - no one I know in real life really gets it.
Then just hug her and let her
Then just hug her and let her know she's safe.
That's what I was getting at too, that you can love someone but not have to agree with or allow their behaviour. That comes in very handy when you have teenagers, LOL.