Very upset today
Hey guys
So I thought things were going great. But as people warned me things always have to take a turn for the worse. This is off topic and I really need to vent and get some advice
At a wedding yesterday, bridesmaid to a dear friend and we stayed overnight in hotel. Day going great and obv everyone had a bit to drink.
We rock up to bed in the wee hours of this morning and partner decides as we get into bed to ask 'are we together or not together?' I was like 'what the hell is this ???' He is like 'well I want to make it official so are we committed to each other?' I was upset but he was drunk so I said we would talk about it later. He apparently took offensive to my reaction and sulked on his side of the bed. Way to ruin the evening.
This morning he had to run an errant and we have literally had a massive fight in carpark over the same questions. As I keep saying 'after three and half years of you don't know I am committed - when I have stayed through your kids behaviour, through needing play therapists , through needing counselling yourself, through his bloody mother... Then I don't know what to do'. He was like ' well why don't you just go - oh yes we are committed why would you even ask that ?'
All trouble with mother and kids aside I thought we were a close couple- it is what kept me hanging on when things were bad with his mother and kids. I have told him everything and stuck all this crap out of three and half years. Surely my actions speak louder than words?!
He has gone off this morning to do an errant near here. I am back in the room upset. Feel like my heart broken and what should be a second happy day as my friend goes away on honey moon is ruined
I am very hurt and sad and upset but the whole thing
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Comments
I think your and partners
I think your and partners communication in this situation is very poor. Maybe he's trying to find out are you next level ready? And you are hearing are we even a thing. Take a step back and rethink how you handled it.
When my numpty says daft stuff like this I always just lovingly say "Yes we are all in. I am 100% committed". He knows I am, I know he is. So why even ask it? Who knows. It could be insecurity or trying to establish next steps.
Was his whole "I want to make
Was his whole "I want to make it official" his drunken opener to a marriage proposal? Was he thinking of getting engaged but wanted to be totally sure he wasn't going to meet with rejection? Weddings can do really weird things to people.
My DH used to be this way,
My DH used to be this way, too. He was very insecure about our relationship. He thought because of skids and BM, I would one day get sick of it.
Yes it's annoying.
Yes you want to bop them on the head.
Yes he's being dumb.
I would have a good talk with him when sober. Let this never happen again.
You and you SO needs to learn how to communicate about issues and your future together. It took a few years of hard work together, but we don't have those kinds of talks anymore.
Dup
Dup
I think your SO got a little
I think your SO got a little misty eyed over the whole wedding/commitment thing and that's why he asked the question. Maybe he was inspired by just watching two people pledge their love and commitment to each other?
His question was of the variety of someone a little insecure asking "do I look pretty?"
He wasn't asking because he didn't know, he was just looking for validation and maybe he was thinking about talking about getting married too.
So, when you wouldn't answer him, he took that as he must have made a mistake in where he thought the relationship was. It's like he told you he loved you and you said, "that's nice, what's for dinner?" He wanted you to confirm your commitment and when you didn't, he was hurt.
I do have a little bit of a question for you though. Why didn't you tell him you WERE committed? Guys can be a little dense at reading between the lines so he wanted to hear the words. You think it should be clear from your actions, but for whatever reason, he wanted to hear you actually say it.
The proper response from you might have been "Yes, I am fully committed to this relationship and I hope you are too. Is there any reason why you think I'm not?" Then he gets to lay out why he might have insecurities and you get to either confirm or brush away those concerns.
We all need reassurance
We all need reassurance sometimes and sometimes we all want to hear certain things. Sometimes you just have to say of course darling and move on. It may be obvious to you that you are sticking around and it may even be obvious to him, but it is nice to hear it spoken out loud too. It is similar to telling those we love that we love them. After the first few times most people get the idea and know that they are loved, but it is still nice to hear it said to us even though we already know it.
Sometimes we can over think things and the people in our life just want to hear the simple answer even when they know that nothing is that simple.
That is not to say that you two cannot have an in depth discussion about your relationship and where it is headed, (which might be a good idea now all this has been brought up) but that other times the simple reassuring answer is what is needed.
Nobody except Mr. Peabrain
Nobody except Mr. Peabrain knows what he meant. Could be insecurity - could be assholiness.
I was with a man for almost 4 years. We had been having serious talks about our future. Marriage was the underlying component of these talks.
One night (after intimacy) he asked me if I wanted to marry him. When I said "yes" he told me that he just wanted to know if I wanted to marry him but that he did not want to marry me.
That is a TRUE story folks. I was humiliated and hurt beyond comprehension. I could not share that with ANYONE for years. Until I finally realized that it only reflected on his utter worthlessness as a human being. And that I was SO lucky not to be saddled with him.