SS18 claims he's "gender fluid" and now wearing bras- but we can't talk about it.
I know a few of you are going to claim "CREW!!!"... but I swear to god... NOT CREW.
SS18 (stb19) has always been an odd ball. He falls somewhere on the ASD, although his "formal" diagnosis is ADHD and he hasn't been seen by anyone since he was in elementary school because DH seemed resistant to believing anything could be wrong with his only son. Kid has always lacked complete empathy, been cold and calculation, borders on aggressive, and is very odd and disconnected. He's been with us FT since he was 4. BM didn't see him often when he was small, but started taking visitation in the early teens maybe one weekend a month. She skipped more time than she took. Legally custody is written as 50/50. She's always thrown us under the bus by using the "we won't let him go live with his mother" line, when in reality she doesn't want him, but won't tell him that. Anyhoo....
He did his first year away at University. Thank god. I was crossing fingers he would choose to live with BM over the summer and just visit us, as everything is more tense when he is here. I don't dislike the kid, but DH and I fight more, and the house is just... awkward when he's here. He's an indoorsy screen addicted computer kid, and I don't get that.
So he comes home with pink hair and a small purse and announces he is now gender fluid and would like to be called by a gender neutral name. (his actual name abbreviates to a very gender neutral name, but that's not good enough I suppose) So we say be whatever gender you want, but your name in this house is SS18. Everyone at school calls him by the new name he wants. This is all pretty much OK.
But now he has started wearing ladies skinny capris with jeweled back pockets and a push up bra with a skin tight tee. And a raging hard on. He pranced around the house in this outfit for two days with his nether-regions basically bursting out of his pants.
The heart of my issue isn't his clothing choices directly... I think it is more the fact that if he is sexually aroused by this, it likely is NOT a gender identity issue and is more just a sexual preference or kink. Also, there is not one ounce of this kid that genuinely makes me think he identifies as female. Not one. I've been around since he was 4. Not one hint that he's ever felt like maybe something was wired wrong. He's not effeminate in his tastes, mannerisms, or speech.
The biggest problem is NO ONE will discuss this. It's like we are all supposed to stay silent about the emperors new clothes. My issue is... I'm not sure if that is safe for him. I can appreciate that we should create a space where he's free enough to consider who he is, but I worry that treating it TOO casually might get this kid killed. It's not a very safe world for trans people yet. And while SS is 18, sometimes he mentally seems much younger. I don't know if he gets that the clothing he wears could get him hurt. And it's just so weird that everyone has to act like nothing is odd.
Please don't crucify me. I am not some closed minded cave dweller. I am trying my best here, but this is so much weirder than I ever thought it would be. I just figured one day he would come out as gay and we'd all be like "Yeah we knew that, how's school?"
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I agree with LadyFace. He
I agree with LadyFace. He (or she) can be whoever they like, however, that never requires that a boner be prominent and on show 24/7. I don't care which gender or label you identify with...that's just rude. I would tell him that he can dress how he likes but keep the darn budgie in a appropriate sized cage. :sick:
Also he does need therapy to help him identify what's going on. Your DH really needs to start facing the reality of this before his kid gets hurt.
"keep the darn budgie in a
"keep the darn budgie in a appropriate sized cage"
I just laughed so hard at this!
And I'm agreeing, too. Get the kid into therapy pronto. And explain that if he wants to dress as a lady then his man parts shouldn't be sticking out.
It does sound more like he's turned on by dressing this way...in that case, no, he's not trans. There's LOTS of men who get a hard on by wearing women's clothing and they are not trans, it's just a kink. Trans people aren't turned on by dressing in the opposite gender's clothing, they feel that it's simply the appropriate clothing to express their feelings of gender.
Get him to a therapist who can help him decide what's going on there and appropriate expressions of such. It can't just be ignored, he needs to be helped.
YES! Thank you! I am so
YES! Thank you! I am so sick of all the enabling whiners of how I have to accommodate him because it's "who he is".... when this kid isn't trans. Nope.
In fact, I find what he's doing quite offensive and insulting to people who actually DO struggle with trans issues, because he's making a mockery of their real struggle out of his kink play.
If he were trans, he would finally feel like himself in womens clothing.... not like he needed to rub one off.
I agree with therapy but if
I agree with therapy but if your DH doesn't go do it maybe you can simply ask SS18 how would (s)he feel if you were to walk around with out a shirt of bra on around the house while he was home? Or even if his mother did it? Obviously it would/should make him uncomfortable and regardless of what he is experimenting with you cant go into other people's homes and force them to be uncomfortable. That's just basic manners and respect.
I've known a few real
I've known a few real transgender individuals. I had a very nice man work for me for several years.
One of my close work associates was a very successful drag queen on the weekends. But he was not transgender. He was a gay man who did the drag queen stuff as a hobby. He had no interest in being a woman.
But it pisses me off that some transgender women think the only way to be a real woman is to dress and act like a $2 whore. Being feminine does not require one to be a total slut bucket. It's one thing for a drag queen who is putting on a show to dress over the top as it's a costume. It's another thing to go to the grocery store or to your daily office or factory job looking like a cheap whore.
Your SS sounds like an attention whore. Now maybe he is a transgender attention whore - but he needs to learn that he can be transgender without being a drama queen. 90% of the transgender people that I knew just lived normal lives.
I think you should call her
I think you should call her by the name she has chosen. This is a matter of simple respect. Also, the world will be safer for her if people like you and others become more accepting. Perhaps therapy would be helpful for you to overcome your discomfort with your SD's choices. As for the clothing she chooses to wear, you can talk to her about your issues; however, I don't see how this is any different than your typical teenager making rebellious and overly revealing choices. I'm sure my mother wasn't too happy when my breasts were sticking out of my tight shirts, and I learned to avert my eyes when my sd did the same.
Why? He already has a name
Why? He already has a name that abbreviates to a perfectly neutral name and doesn't make everyone and their brother cater to his whims. Why can't he use THAT name?
I used to want to be named Nicole, but my parents didn't indulge me.
And keep in mind, he does NOT identify as female AT ALL. He just likes some days dressing like a guy, and some days dressing like a girl. He considers himself non-gendered or gender fluid... NOT female. SO he's be offended if you called him "she".
Oh HELLZ NO on him getting to
Oh HELLZ NO on him getting to make up a new name!!!! What kind of crack are you all smoking??? (not you specifically, but all the pro-name-game supporters) You seriously think this twit deserves to prance on in and demand everyone in the family suddenly start calling him some new name? WHY??? His given name ALREADY ABBREVIATES TO A NEUTRAL NAME. But he doesn't want that one. He wants something cheesy that sounds like a stripper name.
He's NOT transgendered. He's not living as a woman, not becoming a woman, and doesn't think he's a woman.
He's a flipping loon who wants to be so extra speshul that he needs to be a boy one day and a girl the other, because HE CAN.
Trans people don't get sexually aroused by wearing their gender identifying clothing. Come on. I'm pretty darn liberal, but god that's too much.
As I posted above I've known
As I posted above I've known and accepted several transgenders in my life. I am older and lived in San Francisco for many years. I've just seen more than a lot of people - matter of circumstance not anything on my part.
But I agree with you. This skid is an attention whore. May or may not be transgender. That's not really the issue. Being a narcissistic attention whore is the issue. No real transgender woman wants to wave around an erect penis.
Exactly. I just gave a
Exactly. I just gave a riding lesson to a young man who was born female. He was super cool, and you could tell every single ounce of his being was MALE. That is a transgendered person.
What my SS is doing is not trans, or even thinking about being trans, or even wondering if he is trans. He is using the new social flexibility to garner attention for himself. He's always needed ways to make himself think he is super duper speshul and amazzzzzing. He thought he was, with music.... till he got to college and all of a sudden the big fish in the little pond isn't so impressive anymore.
I would say counseling for
I would say counseling for her to deal with this transition. I don't think you're doing anything wrong by using the old name, it takes a long time for people to come to terms with these kinds of things and sometimes you have to ease into it. It sounds like you guys are being super respectful of this decision so I don't think there's anything wrong with using the old name until you feel comfortable. Hell even on the kardashians Khloe talked to Bruce about if she could still call him Bruce for a while until she got used to it.
H has been very clear that
H has been very clear that all this nonsense will basically be tolerated, but I did draw my line in the sand about the erections. Erections need to be kept behind closed doors. DH tried to argue with me about it, but I won on that front.
OK, I will come out and say
OK, I will come out and say it. He needs to get himself sorted out. Tell him that he will find many people who are repulsed by his behaviour with his glittery over the top prancing around and his future is to find himself in an alley with the crap beaten out of him. If he is lucky he will live.
In the perfect world we all accept people just the way they are. However this is not the unicorn glittery fart perfect world exhibitionists want. And this is what he is doing. Being an exhibitionist. And maybe this is his way of finding another identity where he can explore his wild side. This may be his alter ego. His real self is so introverted... yet this is his fun side.
But that is beside the point. He needs to stop dressing in clothing that accentuates his gonads and penis. It is offensive and rude. His father doesn't dress in clothing that shows off his penis and in this house that is not an option. So he can go and find some jeans that are a little larger to cage that budgie or stay in his room. If he wants to dress like that, so be it. But testing the waters over the summer ... sheesh! And when he returns to college he will find some people very acceptable. But the same number of people may make his life hellish whether or not there are university rules. It comes down to this. If you have to accept his life choices he has to accept yours.
Yep he's doing this merely
Yep he's doing this merely for attention and shock value. He has ZERO respect for others.
All I can say is that when I
All I can say is that when I was 18, myself and my contemporaries had no time to sit around thinking or "exploring" gender fluidity. We were too busy working and paying bills.
My son identifies as gender
My son identifies as gender fluid. He is not gay. He does not want to be a girl. He just likes to wear dresses and skirts.He is also on the ASD. But he is highly intelligent and his only real issue is that he absolutly doesn't care what most people think. He is only social with people who matter to him. We live in a small southern town where most people have known him since birth so they just accept that he is odd, especially because he is always polite and helpful. But...
He doesn't want to be called any name but his own. He keeps his hair short in a boy cut. He doesn't wear makeup or even shave half the time.
His sense of style is unique. Generally he wears mens shirts with a skirt and boots. Women would not pair up clothing the way he does. Well maybe a homeless woman.... This is not an insult. Most people are just confused about the skirt when they see him. It is clear he is a guy.
Oh he also has a girlfriend. She doesn't care how he dresses. I was discussing it with one of my coworkers and he is a very manly guy, he cosplays, he likes to wear skirts too. He said he likes the air flow. LOL.
So I just go with it.
But that erection thing.... thats perverted and disgusting... flaunting your hard on to your family is just disturbing and wrong. That needs therapy.
SD16 keeps going back and
SD16 keeps going back and forth from being gay to straight. And sometimes she dresses like a man. And it seems like all of her friends are doing it too. Back and forth and back and forth. I think at her school, it's just the thing to do like wearing Keds or Guess jeans. It's IN until it's not. My mom says she is allowed to. And I don't disagree with my mom. But I do know real transsexuals and their struggles are terrible to witness. Sometimes I get totally frustrated with her because I kind of seeing it as piggy backing on the plight of transsexuals just get some highschool attention from peers and from mommy. And when that doesn't do the trick, well she moves on to putting giant guages in her ear or underage drinking or dating inappropriate guys. Where it used to be inappropriate girls. She tries to shock and then tries to one up and then tries to one up it again and again.
But it doesnt like your SS. I think he is a transvestite.
My nephew has dressed and
My nephew has dressed and still is dressing as "flamboyant" as your SS. (Skinny jeans, bras, dresses, costumes...you name it since he was in his early teens!)He is gay and married to another man.
At first it was shocking (the way that he dresses that is, not the fact that he is gay), but he is who he is.
However, I have never seen him walking around with a boner. I am sure if his father (my brother) noticed this, or anyone else for that matter, he would have been told to "Tame that beast"!
If dressing this way is what
If dressing this way is what gets him sexually aroused, then it is completely inappropriate to do this in the presence of others. That is as bad as touching himself. This needs to be addressed. I hope he didn't go out in public like that.