Double Duty
In our situation we have an ex on both sides, each of us having 50/50 custody.
What I have found is that it seems like we have to do double duty when it comes to instilling discipline as well as morals and values.
On my side I have an ex that is not very involved. He takes the kids on his time but has zero concern for education and there is no discipline and very little responsibility. When my bios come back we have to get a little tougher to rid them of that expectation and chase the attitude. After a day or so we see improvement and after our long weekend the bios are back on track. But it takes just one day in the other home and we start all over again.
On SOs side he has an ex that is a narcissist. Very entitled, unemotional and chooses everyone else over her own bios in every situation even if it is against their best interested. Everything is about her what's good for her and she stops at nothing to get it. Including using her own children to do her dirty work such as lie.
So then we are at the same point. They come back and we start trying to remove the entitlement, the lying and poor judgements. It takes the long weekend again and they finally start seeing the light only for one day back with BM and we start over again.
I am sure we are not the only family with this dynamic so what have you found to work? To get quicker results? My SO and I had a discussion and my worry is that the ante will be upped as they get older and into more adult type activities. At that point we could be screwed if we don't figure out how to handle raising them appropriately now.
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LOL! I often hope for a giant
LOL! I often hope for a giant sink hole
We stop the education issue by making sure all homework is don before they go with BD. And either myself or SO attends all school functions.
It's the taking responsibility, attitude and discipline we have issues with. They understand that they are allowed to do inappropriate things while there such as no bedtime and playing violent video games, eating junk food constantly and basically babe free reign. And they get that they shouldn't do it but they are kids and who wouldn't.
So we are stuck with being the tough ones twice over.
Yea this happens in our home
Yea this happens in our home too...and DH makes it worse, because the first day when they get home they're acting up the most, but DH doesn't want to lay down the law because "they just got back, I don't want to start yelling at them" so they get away with more than they usually would.
Can you switch rotation days
Can you switch rotation days to Monday's so the kids get get over their bratty ways at school and by the weekend you have nice kids to enjoy it with?
We have then every other day
We have then every other day during the week and then every other weekend which is 4 straight days.
The really bad day is that first one after BMs 4 day weekend. They come back like different kids.
Our other issue is grounding when something happens during the week. We ground but they know they leave the next day so it isn't a big deal. We try to continue the grounding when they get back but it isn't that effective. They have already got the break. And BM will not carry out punishments even if it is best for them just to spite us and undermine our rules.
That schedule sounds like a
That schedule sounds like a nightmare for everyone. Someone must have been taking something when they came up with that. How on earth do the kids get a chance to settle in when they sleep in a different bed each week night? Unless the schedule changes to something more rational I don't see how the children are going to adjust any quicker.
Yup but we are dealing with
Yup but we are dealing with an irrational BM. What would she ever do if she doesn't see her babies for an entire week! Maybe get a job but that's neither here nor there.
Yup but we are dealing with
Yup but we are dealing with an irrational BM. What would she ever do if she doesn't see her babies for an entire week! Maybe get a job but that's neither here nor there.
Would your husband reduce his
Would your husband reduce his custody time to give the kids more stability? I don't have the experience to know what a judge might rule if he went to court and asked for week in week off, but it might be worth some investigation?
I'm a huge fan of week on
I'm a huge fan of week on week off.
Ass hat and I went to week on week off when my boys were freshman in high school. It was very easy to parallel parent and we taught the boys to be responsible for their own schedules, their own belongings, and it was really simple because everybody knew on Mondays they were going to the other house.
We never ran into any issues with activities and the like-whichever parent had the kids dealt with it
Week in week off is ideal
Week in week off is ideal however BM won't allow it. And would keep us in court until we are in for more thousands of dollars. She has to be in control of every little detail, as a narcissist and if she doesn't have access for a week the kids lives just might be a little better God forbid.
All that back-and-forth has
All that back-and-forth has to be horrible for the kids not to mention you and your husband.
Any chance you can do some research and help DH file for a more reasonable parenting plan?
As the kids get older, longer periods of stability are going to become important.
I feel for you, sister
He is court shy and I don't
He is court shy and I don't blame him honestly. He was seriously screwed during his divorce and custody. SO worked tirelessly to support a wife who refused to work and his children. 7 days a week to purchase a house, cars and save for retirement.
After separation he and his ex agreed to 50/50 custody as well as giving her 50% of everything and also a ridiculous amount in child support until all the kids were old enough to go to school.
Once they hit the judge he got smacked in the face and if never stopped. She sued for full custody (the judge told SO he was just a glorified babysitter), she was awarded 72% of ALL assets and child support was awarded in an amount that literally left SO with a few hundred dollars a week AND he was stuck with the mortgage completely. 8 hours after court she gave him 50/50 custody verbally as long as he paid her the enormous child support. At that point he then had a mortgage plus his kids half the time living off of very little money. Not even enough to pay just the mortgage. PlUS he had nearly $30k in legal bills fighting for shared custody.
This was almost 6 years ago.
Today she continues to hold custody against him and does everything in her power to add turmoil to our lives.
He is stuck - he MIGHT win in court but he MIGHT not and at that point if he loses she will not negotiate with him. She is that vindictive. Which means he would lose his custody time permanently.
Honestly it is like being on
Honestly it is like being on a hamster wheel. Trying to raise kids in this nonsense sucks because you never really get the chance to raise them the way you want. No advise, just empathizing.