I haven't posted here in a long time, but we're struggling on how to help my ss14, who has serious anxiety and depression and hoped someone might have some ideas.

I've been with my dh for 10 years, married for 7. He got full custody of his 3 boys just after we met and the first few years were difficult, with an unstable bm who caused constant trouble and all 3 kids having behavioural problems as a result of her emotional abuse. She was and still is mentally unstable, though has in recent years calmed down and become a little easier to deal with. The boys are now 13, 14 & 20 and have grown into great kids, turning around their behaviour problems and doing well in school/college. I believe this is due to my dh's parenting - loving and supportive but firm with clear boundaries and consequences. The court order gave regular contact to bm and we have always followed it, though ss20 has chosen to have little to do with her since he got to 16. The younger two still have contact and at the moment seem happy to do so, but there have been times when one or the other have said they'd rather stay at home than go to her place, but now they're getting older and more capable of making their own decisions, as long as we don't have plans to go away for a kid-free break, it's no big deal for them to stay at home.

We've noticed ss14 becoming very withdrawn in the last few months. Out of the three boys, he was always bm's golden boy and was the worst affected by her emotional game-playing. She always seemed far too emotionally dependent on him and talked to him about all sorts of age-inappropriate stuff, scaring him to death as a 4-5 year old with tales that her and dad were fighting, that dad was a bad man who was going to jail, that dad didn't care, that dad was taking him away from her and that she couldn't cope without him(ss14) and that she had no money to feed him and ss13 on contact weekends and all kinds of stuff which must have scared and confused the life out of him. He did settle down eventually and although he's always been a quiet and thoughtful kind of kid, did well in school, was popular with the other kids, is really thoughtful, has an amazing bond with our dogs and seemed to be doing well. I always wondered whether he may have some long-term issues after what bm did to him and whether he would end up having difficulties as a teen or adult and sadly it looks like I was right.

We live in the UK where mental health services aren't that great unless you have the means to pay privately (which we don't - both dh and I are disabled and I'm a student reliant on grants and loans). We did get him a referral to the child and adolescent mental health service and the guy we saw seemed really good. Only problem was that after initially agreeing to go and see the guy, ss14 totally clammed up and wouldn't say a word. The guy saw him a couple of times but ss14 completely refused to speak to him either alone or with dh in the room so he had to discharge him as he said it wasn't worth forcing ss14 to go to sessions when he clearly didn't want to. He suggested medication but ss14 is adamant he won't take it. There's a counsellor at school who sees him but it doesn't sound like they're getting anywhere either, and I think they've unintentionally made things worse. We found out that ss14 is not getting any lunch at school and he did admit to dh that it's because going into the canteen and queueing with all the other kids in a crowded area makes him anxious so he avoids it, but the school counsellor asked him if he had an eating disorder, which he doesn't - at home he loves his food and eats like a typical growing teen boy. Since then we've noticed he's hardly eating at home either. He's skipping breakfast which he never used to do and doesn't always want his evening meal despite me trying to make things I know he really likes. This is really worrying to me as my dd24 had an eating disorder a few years ago and I'll never forget how ill she got. Luckily she recovered but I hate to think that ss14 may end up as ill as my dd did.

We're at a loss as to what to do - he will not speak to anyone, he told dh this morning that he heard dh telling ss13 that he hates him (ss14) which is complete rubbish - dh would never say something like that about anyone, specially not his own kids! He got into a real panic state last night - sobbing, rocking, shaking violently and after dh's efforts to help in the past with no response, I thought I'd try so I just sat with him for a while and tried to reassure him that feeling depressed was nothing to be ashamed of, that we wanted to make sure he was safe and that we loved him and wanted to make sure he was okay. I told him that he could tell me anything and I would not be shocked or angry and would never judge him and that when bad stuff happens, I know how hard it can be to talk about it but when he felt ready he could let me and/or his dad know. He did calm down eventually but refused to come out of his room and have anything to eat. I'm hoping that we can gradually get through to him by trying to make him feel safe and cared for but at the same time not coddling him too much.

I'm wondering if something has happened at bm's - she hangs around with some real weirdos and has had a series of drop-out short term boyfriends. She's involved with the church and goes on a church holiday every summer, and this year dh took the boys over to meet up with her and met one of the lay preachers who he immediately felt uncomfortable with. Ss14 has informed us that he does not want to go with bm on this church holiday next year and I can't help but wonder if someone has done something to him, or maybe it's just the thought of mixing with lots of strangers and doing social stuff he's not comfortable with, or maybe his problems are more to do with the long-term effects of all the crap he's had from bm over the years but whatever it is, if we can't get him to open up about it, I don't see a good future for him. Anyone else been through this; how do you deal with it and did you find a way to help your kid/skid?