I opened my home and heart to my SS and my husbands ex SS. They had toys, clothes, bikes etc here as if they were here 24/7. My SS is as welcome in my bedroom as my girls are. He can even wear my shoes (and has) if that's what he wants. It made no difference to the relationship. My husband and I moved in together so that it was a shared home. 90% of what is in the house has been bought while we are together. It just happens to be with my earnings.

Ahhh, yes, we had this conversation earlier this week on here, sort of.

It's a hard thing to admit, but not in the 4+ years my SD as lived with us (myself, SO and BS21 when home from college) has it felt like she is family. We dont' have a bond, or connection. As soon as she walks in the door, the tension is there. I really thought it was just me, but after commiserating with others on this board I realized I am far from alone.

I'll admit, I hate when she rummages around in the cabinets, the drawers, anywhere really that isn't exclusively hers. I do feel very territorial in my home, and with my belongings. Even with my dogs. Most of the household items were mine when we merged, very few things SO brought.

It may have been different had I moved in with SO and her, but that didn't happen. SO and I moved in, with my BS also. Years later SD came to live with us. I wouldn't have ever predicted it would feel this way, but truth be told it does.

I don't feel this way when my nieces visit, nor when my sons GF is with us.

The truth isnt' always nice, but it's honest.

I only had SD's. I tried to be as welcoming as possible and tried to give them their own space.

I gave them the biggest bedroom (though it didn't have an attached bath like the master did). I had them share the room though and my MIL used to say how "terrible" that was. I informed her that I shared a room with my brother until I was 12 years old and her two stepdaughters would survive sharing a room at 6 and 9! I also had a shop type room that I let them used for play and crafts (though I did kindof go through the roof when they put stickers on every cabinet door in the room .. arggghhh).

They were mostly EOWE.. though the younger did live with us full time for a while. I didn't want them to have to feel like total guests in their father's home. It was actually my home that I bought before we got together.. but still.

In my case it was my DH and step kids that opened their home to me and my two daughters. I was a renter and didn't have any school ties to my town and DH had a mortgage and a kid in school, it just made sense for us to move to him. I think it was hardest on my SS15 (12 at the time). He went from having his own bathroom to having to share it with two little girls and he had to move into a smaller room so they could share his bigger one. After reading this site I actually feel like it's a miracle we blended as well as we did.

Were you able to open your home to the skids? To make your home feel like their home? Or do you treat them like guests?

DH and I bought the home together and yes, the SDs can go where they want, just not access our master suite whenever they want to. They must have permission to enter. I know SD12 has used our bathroom w/out permission (I found her barrettes in there one afternoon and those got tossed in the trash). They have their own bathroom and bedrooms. I do not enter their bedrooms when they are there w/out permission and only go in if I have to otherwise. I do not clean their bathroom. I do have some locked storage cabinets because SDs would not stay out even when told to stay out of them, and DH did not back me up.

Does it make a difference with SSs over SDs?
No idea.

How do you feel about your personal space and the skids in it or around it?
Fine. So long as I'm not changing and someone charges into my bedroom or bath. But this doesn't happen any longer.

Do you feel more or less territorial regarding your space and your home?
...depends. If it's a mess and people aren't treating things with respect I'm all over them, DH included. If expensive things are not treated or put away properly (like garden tools or other things I've purchases with my own $) I'm all over it. Kitchen - very picky. I've put away permanently my good china, good knives, antique glasses b/c no one cared enough to be careful with things. I only buy via thrift stores for that stuff now; correction - DH buys that stuff now.

Does it make a difference if you moved in with DH, or if DH moved in with you or if you guys moved into a new place together?
Yes, big difference b/t his old rental and our home. The rental was a mess, falling apart (due to both bad owners and SDs behavior) and I had little say. I finally told DH at one point that I gave up, anything broken or taken out of the deposit he'd cover 100%. Now I have a say - but DH still pushes it. I really don't think he understands preventative maintenance:
* No screen any more in SDs bathtub, after me trying 3+ times to make sure it's installed properly and people taking it out? Fine, then DH, you get to unclog it or call a plumber when the hair builds up. I tried. Because it's too hard to teach SDs to clean the screen, make sure they do, and make sure it's in place.
* SDs bathroom gets cleaned maybe 2x per year. Because it's too hard to make sure they learn to clean it or teach them to clean it, or require that they clean their own space.
* SD13's bedroom so filthy it smells and if any infestations happen DH covers all costs/repairs. Because it's too difficult to teach her to clean properly, make her do it and make sure she maintains it.

DH thinks I issue these "final ultimatums" with too much frequency.
Well, each and every time he says that I counter with a list of the requests, the cleaning I've done, the discussions we have and the fact that I will not be a nag and that he's left me no further option. What exactly do you want me to do DH? Shut my mouth and just clean up for you? Not gonna happen.

So yes, my house, I get to make decisions.

I only Have SD's, we moved into together the past three homes but still I feel like the invader in my own home, I know it's mine and cringe when they touch anything not their's, etc etc. All the same sentiments about bathrooms and filth and lack of respect. I'll always be the outsider though as long as either or both are living there.

Tried. Didn't work. THEY decided they were guests. Now they complain that they don't feel like we're a "family." I dunno, in my mind, you gotta choose one or the other. You don't get the best of both worlds.

Edited to add: I think BM put the "guest" idea in their heads so they wouldn't have to do any chores like you know, clean up after themselves.

When I first met them, I bent over backwards to make it their home too. A chronic lack of hygiene, terrible manners and disrespect for my things soon bred tension and resentment. Our relationship became strained for many good reasons. Then two things happened: we bought our dream/forever house and had our first child. I got very territorial, I wasn't going to have disgusting bathrooms, fetid wet towels on brand new carpets, stinking hair on my new couch. Also, this was my family home, my sons home, so I wasn't going to put up with mean, rude and jealous behavior in our sanctuary.

The skids both come with a cloud of toxicity. It is a mixture of pain, anger, low self-worth, jealousy, power and control issues and poor communication skills. SD just eminates loathing and disdain. It is hard to have that in my own home and I cleanse my house in every way I can when they leave. I used to dread having them in my home and felt like they were a threat to our peace and safety. Now? I carry on as if they aren't there and leave everything to DH. He is clear that he is responsible for making sure they don't trash the place and cleaning after them if he slides in anything. He does a pretty good job as he loves our home too and knows they live like pigs at home.

I do not see our house as their home. They visit us on holidays and then go back to their home with BM.

I had no problem with skids at first and would have no problem with them being in my space or even using my things.... then SD stole from me and it was game over. Don't touch my shit, don't even look at my shit.

And the whole home thing drives me nuts. My parents divorced when I was 3. I lived with my mom, that was HOME. I VISITED my father's house. That's just how it was, and I never felt left out, or lesser, or whatever. I live in my own house now and THAT is my HOME. I would certainly not walk in my mother's house and make demands that she should have the food I like to eat, or a room for me or what have you. Even State Ed law says that "RESIDENCY is determined by where the child eats the majority of their meals and sleeps the majority of their nights" so they are VISITING the other parent.

Taking a rain check on this one till it happens lol.....

ut in short, my personal space is my bedroom and bathroom, no child is allowed there.... When you live in my house, either visiting or permanently as a child, you will not take what ever you want when it comes to snacks, you ask...
you clean up after yourself, I'm not your maid and when you leave, make sure the room you used is tidied up.. if not you will be sorry the next time you come around and you have to pray that i open the door for you...

Once a child does not live in the house permanently, they loose their keys, you will not come and go as you please and you will not bring friends with you, you inform in advance about a visit and if you bring a friend or not, Aergia will suffer the most, cause I do not allow sleeping together if you are not married, or in a long term relationship.

This every week-end a different boyfriend will not fly with me.