Wait... So BM bought SD toddler door handle locks so she can lock the door she sleeps in (your DDs room) on the weekends? I'm just making sure i'm reading this right... that's YOUR daughters room that you're so nicely allowing SD to sleep in on the weekends. SD does NOT live in your home. She can sleep on the couch from now on!

Relax. BM can't make Dad actually use the locks. It's all for nothing. No, Dad won't be installing the locks.

I do understand SD11 wanting a bit of privacy from a 2 1/2yr old. But under the circumstances of limited space, separate bedrooms aren't currently possible. Little tot sisters can be pains in the rear even in nonstepfamily settings. However SD11 isn't the first eleven year old who has had to share a bedroom, nor will she be the last.

No, she gets no locks. Yes, BM is nuts to think just because she brought and sent them that the locks will be installed.

Just send the locks back to BM and tell SD you can no more lock DD out of a bedroom than you would lock SD out of the bedroom or make one of the girls sleep out in a tent in the yard. Like it or not they are sisters and there is limited space. Like sisters everywhere they have to share. It's just how it is.

On the otherhand, if there are some items in the shared bedroom that little ones might get into or be choke hazards , perhaps Dad could help by putting a high shelf or a linen closet in the hall could have a shelf for 'treasures'.

Sd might as well get over herself, DD isn't poofing.

Breathe and throw that shit away. Toss the damn locks and be done with it. Don't let BM know she got to you. I'd just throw them away and wouldn't address it, make excuses for it, or give BM an audience about it if she complains.

Take them to GoodWill in the original packaging and take the tax write off. Make sure SD is along for that trip.

Don't forget the donation receipt. }:)

SD would lose any bedroom privileges and BM would have a nice package on her doorstep.
With a note "Thanks but no thanks"

It takes mighty big balls for SD to say DD isn't allowed in her own bedroom.
If that was my SD/DD I would simply remove the door.
Viola! Problem solved.

BM would try to send toys/snacks/beads home with SS but DH wouldn't let it go in the house. He'd walked it straight to our trash bin outside while she was still in the driveway. She was pissed about the toy and told DH, "he just wanted to play with you but don't worry his "babydaddy2" (her boyfriend then) will play with him instead;" but she never sent a toy again.

Take the locks and put them in your dumpers outside as soon as BM pulls up Do it in front of SD and BM so they'll both understand that THEY can waste their money buying whatever but it won't be in your household, and if you wanted some you would have bought your own. Your DH should tell his brat that she doesn't have a room-she is a guest and has no right to lock any doors in your house.

From what I read, there are two issues here. The first is that BM thinks she can dictate what happens in your home. That's an easy one - toss or sell the locks if they arrive at your home and tell SD "No". Alternatively DH can refuse to take the items from BM. Easy peasy. The second issue is one DH and I are dealing with as well, which is that siblings with a big age gap are sharing a room. I really think the best thing to do is sit SD down and say that she and DD have to share the room. The fact of life is that you don't have a large enough house for the two girls to each have their own bedrooms. BUT the next part is finding out what specifically is bothering SD so much. If it's just the fact that she has to share, SD will have to learn to get over it. But if it's things like DD getting into SD's stuff and breaking things accidentally or the baby toys in the room then you can come up with a solution that works for all of you. Think of it as a way to teach SD conflict resolution in a very practical way.

I'll give you an example of what we did in our house with the boys. SS10, BS4, and BS2 share a single 10x10 bedroom. We originally tried to put in an egress window in our basement to create another bedroom, but the city refused the permit since the property lines are too close to the house. So the only way for SS10 to get his own bedroom back would be for us to move. We sat down with SS10 and asked him what bothered him the most about sharing. He said there were three things: the young'ns steal his toys and sometimes break them, he has to clean up after the mess they make if he wants something he needs a clean room for, and he just plain is tired of sharing his room. He wanted to be able to close his door and keep his brothers out. DH & I said there isn't anything we can do about sharing a room at this point. However we acknowledged that his other two points were valid and offered solutions. DH & SS10 are going to build a locker for his toys, and the key to the locker will be hung way out of reach for the little ones. We offered to buy a locker now, but SS10 liked the idea of being able to customize it. For the moment we cleared out the top shelf of the closet exclusively for SS10's toys. And as for cleaning - BS4 is supposed to be cleaning up already, and BS2 is learning. DH & I told SS10 we will help in supervising bedroom clean up to make sure the little ones do their part instead of doing our own cleaning at that time.

It made SS10 feel better that his needs were acknowledged and that we agreed to help on things that were actually unfair. He's actually said that sharing the room doesn't bother him anymore. He'd still like to have his own, but he's happy with the new arrangement.

Peridwen came up with a great solution for making sharing peacable.

But I'd like to address the entirely different issue of BM sending hardware to your house. There are some great suggestions in this thread but I'd like to recommend do not engage with bm about it. Donate them or throw them out or leave them on the counter indefinitely or whatever but do not tell bm what you did. Just let her fail.

Since you know she's pasing and intrusive, she is also the type of person who will get a payoff from yanking your chain. She will use whatever you say or do to build more drama and more pas. So maintain radio silence.

As for your sd I would be tempted to straighten her out that every inch of "space" from the street to the back fence is yours and dh's, not hers. You have the power to use that space however you want. It does not sound like you are making her eat gruel in a cinder grate while the other child lives on velvet pillows and caviar. Plenty of families share rooms. It's normal.

At 11 I would have been obsessed with a 2 year old. Would have LOVED it. My 2 nieces were in their teens when my sister's third child was born -- they reacted the same way. It's a shame your sd can't just enjoy the baby.

But I do love Peri's plan for modeling positive conflict resolution to this kid who is getting way different modeling at the other house.

Toaster - after no consideration and thought here's my comment..

Whip DH's ass for not calling BM and telling her to butt out of his home, she has no say what so ever about who sleeps where and if she keeps up poisoning SD there will be some serious hell coming her way.
1. No more CS so that he can afford a bigger place and SD has her own room,
2. Stay the eff out of my house and my rules, you do not belong there.

I do not see this as an SD problem, I see this as an DH problem for not telling BM to eff off... he accepts all off this through the years, it's time for some serious boundaries with that woman and teach SD some sharing manners.