SD Chronicles: Manipulation Tactics
SD calls me into her bedroom and "needs to talk to me."
She is clutching a photo of BM and DH's old dog that we have on a bookshelf and she is teary eyed (but it is a forced teary eyed - because this child treats the dogs she does have like shit). She says she is sad that she never got to meet the dog and so sad that her parents are not together. Then she says "my life is a disaster!" What STB 8 year old says that? A disaster? I worked all day and came home to that.
I told her I am not sure what to say, but the dog passed away from old age when she was little and now she has 2 wonderful dogs. Then I changed the subject and asked about what she wanted on her pizza. I told DH she keeps saying things like this but he doesn't read into it much, naturally.
It is petty and it is immature - but that little conversation put me into such an instant foul mood. I know she is a little kid and perfectly entitled to her feelings but the resentment immediately washed over me.
Lately, whenever DH even talks about the skids I immediately feel threatened. I am dismissive or sarcastic with him a lot. I feel like I am infertile and I will never have a family and it makes me so insecure. I am gloomy and sullen and hard to be around. Our sex life is basically gone because I am a negative nancy.
DH says he doesn't understand why I get so upset and negative, and deem myself infertile. Should I tell him "my life is a disaster" ..? 
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It hurts, doesn't it!? "My
It hurts, doesn't it!? "My life is a disaster?" Real nice. Her father and I tirelessly provide her with all the necessities and entertainment to make sure she is comfortable and happy, yet her life is a disaster.
Many times I have said the
Many times I have said the whole "you have so many extra people who love you" line...
Thanks. I will try.
Thanks. I will try. Initially, these deep talks were nice, I felt like the "trusted adult"... lately they are tiring.
I like that. Good thing to
I like that. Good thing to remember.
It was a very odd comment! I
It was a very odd comment! I found it insulting. A disaster? Her mother caters to her every material need, her "stepdad" seems to be decent to her and spend time with her often, she has plenty of extended family and DH and I make sure she is happy, knows she is loved, etc.
What is a such a "disaster" ... is beyond me.
It is a mixture of feeling
It is a mixture of feeling bad, discomfort and disgust. It is really hard for me! Who would have thought a little girl could invoke such feelings in me?
She probably heard my life is
She probably heard my life is a disaster on some tween Disney show and wanted to try the phrase out so she got herself all worked up. I have an 8 year old daughter and she occasionally does stuff like this.
lol that is probable.
lol that is probable.
Yes - the shaky gasping! She
Yes - the shaky gasping! She always has a crisis that requires everyone to rush to her.
SS took the wrapper off of her lollipop and she started shrieking bloody murder, ran to her room and screamed and cried for easily 45 minutes because "she wanted to keep the wrapper on." DH was even disgusted. He insisted we all leave her in there this time.
He was fed up, really. She
He was fed up, really. She pushed his buttons all morning. The LOUD wailing is nothing to laugh at when you live in an apartment building surrounded by neighbors.
She does like to act like a
She does like to act like a grown woman. One morning I walked into the bathroom and she was imitating me, putting concealer under her eyes "because she looked exhausted." That was cute.
AJanie, I have gone through
AJanie, I have gone through both the "I feel infertile" AND the "Negative Nancy". But not at the same time.
My exH tried to blame the infertility on me. And while I had plumbing problems, HE had a low sperm count. Regardless, it was terribly stressful and depressing. If you and your DH are trying for a baby, I can honestly say that negativity, stress, and depression can be a factor. If you're serious about pregnancy, consult a fertility specialist. But you need to make eliminating the negatives a priority.
As for Negative Nancy... I'm embarrassed to say that I was negative, surly, whiny, and bitchy. DH and I had a mini bitchfest and it came out... "Your negativity is NOT attractive. It's a TURN OFF!". Talk about a proverbial slap in the face. It had not even occurred to me that my dark moods had grown until they were damn near consuming my every thought.
The skids were not going anywhere. But if I wanted to make my marriage work (and I did because DH is the love of my life), I had to change MY attitude. Believe me, it was NOT easy.
* I did was set up a reminder on my work calendar for a few minutes before I left the office to NOT say anything negative about the skids. And chanted it all the way home.
* I made it a point to absent myself in their presence when I was crabby and to bury myself into a book and listen to uplifting music until my mood improved.
* I stopped asking the skids to pick up their stuff. I also did not ask DH to ask them. If he wanted to pick up after him, that was on him. The only things I did was straighten the couch cushions and keep my mouth shut. DH finally got tired of picking up after them and started reminding them 10 minutes before he took them home.
* It is difficult for me when things are out of my control, but I had to learn to accept the fact that I cannot control everything in life. Especially when things (people) are not mine to control. I can only control MY behavior and MY actions. And one of those actions was biting back the sarcasm and crabbiness and, yes, the bitchiness and letting it go. NOT easy.
The bottom line is: You cannot control anyone other than yourself, and your actions and reactions. You can do it!! xoxo
<3 adding reminders to me
<3 adding reminders to me work calendar for when skids are over. I think getting myself in a decent frame of mind before I walk through the door at home is a great idea.
Did you know that males who
Did you know that males who don't want to impregnate a female will naturally suppress their sperm production? This is a new finding across species.
My 30yo SIL does similar
My 30yo SIL does similar crap. She gets all teary and depressed over dead people she never even knew and who died long before she existed.
The weirdest thing is when we are at an IL clan gathering and she goes into "Remember when GrandPa did XYZ LMNOP?" He died decades before she was born.
It makes everyone else in the IL clan very uncomfortable when she usurps experiences she wasn't alive to have for herself.
Weird crap let me tell ya.
lol too funny! People are
lol too funny! People are strange.................
Rags, I have a 30yo niece who
Rags, I have a 30yo niece who does the same thing. She is horribly spoiled STILL by her parents (their little princess!). When my aunt passed away several years ago, she had Daddeeeee (my brother) drive her 24 HOURS round-trip to the funeral. She'd met the great-Aunt ONCE during a 2-hour family visit.
So, a 12 hour trip TO the funeral. 2 hours AT the funeral. Then they turned around and drove back. He refused to take her to our uncle's funeral last year. SMH
Thank you so much... "pining
Thank you so much... "pining for a time that didn't include you, you feeling diminished in your own life..." exactly.
had to add... it is great
had to add... it is great that your husband took care of that for you. DH does stick up for me and is good about demanding the kids respect my place in the home... I will give him that... but in this instance I feel he would think I was being overly sensitive at a little girl's benign comment about her parents not being together. He would rather ignore it.
I think I would have played
I think I would have played the clown act to snap her out of it... and maybe dig in a point that complaining to you was probably not the right audience.
"Oh.. disaster? How could that be. You have ME in your life, your loving EVIL STEP MOTHER OF DOOM!!!!" Delivered with a overly expressive countenance of surprise?
I joke about being a
Being a SmartA$$ runs in my
Being a SmartA$$ runs in my family. I would much rather joke than have a serious discussion to get my point across. lol.
Seriously though, I might ask her to elaborate on exactly WHY she thinks her life is a disaster. Point out she's not the only kid in her position and that lots of kids deal with really bad things like dying of cancer, so if the worst thing she has to deal with is having a Stepmonster.. well, that will just have to be her teeny tiny cross to bear.
Start a gratitude jar. Every
Start a gratitude jar. Every day she writes down something that made her happy. At the end of the month you go through them with her and reminisce about the good things in her life. It should help her stop looking for things to be negative about.
AJ - you are not going to
AJ - you are not going to like my advice..... just a view ideas lol...
SD: crying about her parents not being together - simply ask her if she asked them why they broke up? And teach her to demand an answer.... the her parents needs to deal with this.... and you can relax lol....
SD: crying about a dog she never knew - look at her and ask her straight out, why are you crying about that dog, do you know there's 100's of dogs that dies every day, why don't you cry about them.... but before you do, why not show some love to the dogs you currently have? It's unfair to them cause you are crying over some dead dog instead you could've played with them...
Next time SD calls you to talk - smile and say, not now Hon I'm busy if it can't wait talk to Daddy.... yes reflect everything to him, he can share in this and stress over it
now for your sex life.... SD has nothing to do with it, it's between you and DH... even if you are not in the mood, teach yourself how to get in the mood quickly, fake it dammit, the more sex DH gets the more he will stand up for you and support you..... and guess what even if you are not in the mood, you will get quickly in the mood once the act is started... do it to satisfy yourself and get rid of some stress...