Photos on Facebook
SD now 18, who moved out still gets the best of me. She hasn't stepped foot back in our house since she moved out in December on her 18th bday. Which is great for me. However she tagged DH in several pictures on her Facebook album titled "my senior year" over 1/2 of the pictures are her drinking. Really dude? Your posting photos of yourself and 5 out of 10 of them you have a beer in your hand, your still in high school and you are tagging your father! When I saw it I showed DH and he refused to even look and got mad at me for showing them to him.
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By showing them to your DH,
By showing them to your DH, you are making yourself look like the aggressor. Now, a father should know that his child in high school is drinking and posting pics on FB, but he was tagged in these pics. He would see them eventually.
Trying to point out a child's
Trying to point out a child's faults to their parents rarely gains traction.
All it does is put another nail in the resentment coffin you are helping your spouse build.
AMEN!!! I only mention my
AMEN!!! I only mention my children's faults because some are similar and we discuss things and then I slowly see he handles situations the same with his kids....
DH rarely goes on FB. Does
DH rarely goes on FB. Does he really want photos of his daughter on his FB account of her drunken shenanigans? I know wouldn't want that if it was my daughter? I'd be untagging myself and embarrassed. We've had talks over and over again about what the consequences of negative behavior on social media can have on a person. Yet she continues to post them and to tag him in the photo?
If he rarely goes on
If he rarely goes on Facebook, you may want to position it differently "hon, I am sorry to bother you with this, but you may want to look at SD's Facebook. It's something you may want to address since it could get her into trouble." Nothing more.
If she continues to post things when there have been discussions already about consequences, don't beat your head against the wall. As many wise SM's here say, you can't care more than the parents do.
She is 18 and does not live
She is 18 and does not live under your roof, anymore. Let it go.
I guess I care more than he
I guess I care more than he does. Her mother, her grandmother and her grandfather are all recovering alcoholics and her other grandfather is still an alcoholic. What's going to happen whens he becomes a full blown alcoholic? Who's paying for all this still? We are b/c she's still asking for money but she can afford her beer, her cigarettes and her pot.
"When I saw it I showed DH
"When I saw it I showed DH and he refused to even look and got mad at me for showing them to him."
This happened to me too with SO. His son (the "good" one who never gets in trouble, is quiet, goes to school, has a long term girlfriend, etc.) posted a lot of bad stuff on his twitter account. We came across this as recently, SO and I were googling some people from his past to see if he could reconnect with them. I decided to google the son's twitter account and it was not pretty.
SO's response: I don't want to see it. Shut it down.
My reply: You should probably tell him to take that sh*t down. It's under his full and real name. Any prospective employer could see this and it will ruin his chances at getting a job.
SO: *grunts*
Oh well, not my monkeys, not my circus, right?
Yes she has her real full
Yes she has her real full name on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. We have had multiple talks and even a family member who works for a very large company tell her that the first thing when someone applies for a job, they go and look at their facebook page. If they don't like something on the facebook page they won't even get called for the job. When this girl was 15 she had hopes of moving away for college, becoming a physical therapist. Her drinking has already gotten in the way and she is no longer even going to go to college.
“SO's response: I don't want
“SO's response: I don't want to see it. Shut it down.“
Then he can happily put his head back in the sand and not parent.
I know you're frustrated and
I know you're frustrated and disgusted, but you can't care more than her own father does. If her father is AOK with her posting drinking pics so the whole Facebook world can see that she is breaking the law.. and making it appear that your DH is privy to this and/or OK with this by tagging him... then oh well.
I agree with the others, let it go. Let someone ELSE point out her shit show.. like maybe another relative or maybe even the police when she gets busted like my idiot SD did. I used to do the same thing, used to go to DH with info that he might want to keep an eye on SD etc and he'd just get pissed and tell me I hated her etc. so I stopped. If he didn't care, then neither did I. I'd get emails (DH and I share the same email) from her teachers about missing assignments, poor grades etc.... and sent them straight to the trash folder (how appropriate!!) I'd see her posting crap on social media about getting drunk etc and I ignored it and guess what? DH got a call at 4 a.m. one morning from the police to come get her drunk ass from an underage party they just busted. Then DH had to deal with carting her ass to court, community service, etc. Oh well. Not my circus.
Eventually your DH will see the light... or he won't... but you have to let it happen on it's own or you will be the convenient scape goat and skid hater.
You are right. I do care. I
You are right. I do care. I do care who she is portraying herself to be and that my name is associated with her. Maybe I shouldn't care what others think but I do. I have mothers of kids that go to school tell me I would never let my daughter be friends with your stepdaughter. I have had a "friend" tell me that your stepdaughter is the girl that I pray my daughter never grows up to be. I feel like it reflects on me even though I'm just the stepmom. I do care that she will probably never get a good job or get into college b/c of her drinking/partying ways. I do care that my hard earned money will have to continue to support her b/c even though she moved out she's still asking for money. She still has money for beer, cigarettes, pot etc but can't afford gas in her car. My issue is we've already bailed her out of jail once, the cops have called us to report her underage drinking (she didn't get caught drinking just caught with it in her backpack so they called us, confiscated the alcohol and let her go), she's gotten speeding tickets, busted for pot etc. Who pays for that? My husband and I do. Yes we have joint checking so my hard earned money pays for her crap! Her mother, her grandmother, and her grandfather are all recovering alcoholics and her other grandfather is still an alcoholic therefore it runs in the family. If she is drinking this much and this proud of it while still in high school where is this leading her? It's leading her down a very dark path. What is going to happen when she becomes that full blown alcoholic?
If you don't want to
If you don't want to subsidize her mess you need to separate your finances and don't make any of your money available for that. You can still have a joint account where JOINT bills are paid from like mortgage, utilities and groceries etc.
As far as her being a reflection of you, you can simply say, that unfortunately, you didn't have much of a hand in raising her.
You can't care more than your DH cares. She is an adult and should have to live with her own consequences. Take your money away from the joint funds and he can't bail her out with your money.
I didn't have a hand in
I didn't have a hand in raising her because I was told by both DH & BM that I am never to discipline their daughter, it's not my responsibility. One time DH was out of town & she asked me if she could sleepover a friends house. I was actually thrilled she was b/c she was dating a jerk and she ditched all her friends for this guy. I went out and bought cupcakes from a cupcake shop, I bought other snacks, pop, renting them a movie etc. The next morning while out running my errands I found my car that we let her drive at the boyfriends house. I called DH while he was out of town and his response was I'll deal with it when I get home. I said no sorry, you won't, you won't do anything we've been down this road before you never do anything. She lied to ME, she was driving MY car, I'm taking the keys away from her. She came home, I said give me the keys, you will not get them back for 2 weeks for lying to me. She called me a bitch, said she hated me and then proceeded to spend the next 2 weeks at BM's house. DH & BM both called me and said I was being too strict and I had no right to punish THEIR daughter. They both told me that I should give her the keys back. I told them both NO b/c it was my car that she was driving and I was standing my ground and letting her know that I don't put up with lying. What would it teach her if I was just to give her the car back? That it is ok to lie? That it is ok to be barely 16 years old and spend the night at your boyfriends house?
People don't need the
People don't need the unvarnished truth and all the gory details. I would just tell the people who make those comments that you didn't raise her.
As far as DH not letting you take your own car away from her.. that I have no words for. Personally, I am gobsmacked at people who stay with a spouse that so obviously is the root of the problem.
Again, you aren't disengaged if he can bail her out with your money.
My personal rule is that if I have no say, I won't take any responsibility including financial.
With the exception of DH's
With the exception of DH's lack of discipline he's an amazing husband and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Yes he didn't raise his daughter correctly however he treats me so good, he's great with my family, he works hard to support us, etc. In the 7 years we have been together we have NEVER fought over anything but her. Our relationship is now better than ever without her around however I just can't see that he doesn't realize the path that she is going down. I can't believe he won't sit down with her, BM, and anyone else that wants to join and discuss the dangers of her actions. With BM, her fiance, her grandmother and grandfather being recovering alcoholics that no one says a word to her. As I said in another post her friend died from drinking and driving yet she has admitted that "I don't get drunk and drive but I'll have a few". After her friend died in a single car crash and the news report stated alcohol played a factor everyone was saying well she only had a couple margaritas before she drove.
ohhh I'd LOVE to see someone
ohhh I'd LOVE to see someone tell me that I MUST allow THEIR child to use MY things after I've stopped the access privilege....
Yes, DH and BM, why, I absolutely have NO issues allowing your LIAR of a daughter use MY car after she called me a bitch. Get bent.
The nerve of some people..... their precious can do no wrong.
Ok, as far as people
Ok, as far as people associating you with her, you are the step mom. Most people with half a brain, know that YOU are not the problem, so I wouldn't be concerned with that. I have a supercalifragilistic jerk of an SD, but I'm never embarrassed by her, because everyone knows she's a product of her loser BM upbringing and there's no cure for that.
Now the money that is getting shelled out to her? YES. I would have a major issue with that. I would sit your DH down and tell him that you are NOT OK with your money being used to bail her out of jail, facilitate her pot smoking, drinking etc. and tell him that if it doesn't stop that in your best interest going forward, you will be separating your finances.
I was a slow learner, but
I was a slow learner, but eventually realized that every time I helped DH out with his kids or pointed out something that called for parenting, I was actually INTERFERING in their dynamic.
Not only did it position me as the persecutor, it took away opportunities for parent and kid to learn, correct, grow, improve on their own - or not. THEIR relationship. THEIR journey.
SS17 "hid" me and DH so we
SS17 "hid" me and DH so we can't see all the drinking posts he makes. Hey, he doesn't live with us so I don't figure there is much we can do anyway. However, people love to tell me all about it. I don't want to be rude to those people but I really couldn't care less.
She blocked me from Twitter
She blocked me from Twitter and Instagram and we are not facebook friends however I can still see it when she tags DH. Just makes me sick that he condones that behavior and that my name is associated with that. I feel like people frown upon DH & myself when they see that.
I am a little shocked at the
I am a little shocked at the tagging. If I were DH, I would make it so you have to approve posts, that's how mine is.
People probably do frown upon you and DH, I am sure they do DH and myself as well around here but that doesn't mean I am responsible for his idiot kid's behavior. I guess I am just so used to it that I am numb to it.
I get it, capp. I used to be
I get it, capp. I used to be horrified when my SD showed up hanging out of her shirt, wearing skin-tight white pants with an unhindered view of her thong underneath...to go to a friend's workplace! I didn't want people to think she was MY daughter!
Still, I think most people are fully aware of step situations and won't judge you by your SD's behavior. They will, however, judge your husband by her behavior. That's on him.
You might find this old news story interesting...here's a snippet:
A woman denied a teaching degree on the eve of graduation because of a MySpace photo has sued the university.
******* University instead granted Stacy Snyder a degree in English last year after learning of the Web-published picture of her, which bore the caption "Drunken Pirate."
Snyder received "superior" or "competent" ratings on her final student-teacher evaluation in all areas except "professionalism," in which she was labeled "unsatisfactory," according to the suit filed Wednesday.
"I dreamed about being a teacher for a long time," said Snyder, 27, of ********, who has two young sons. She now works as a nanny.
The photo, taken at a 2005 Halloween party, shows Snyder wearing a pirate hat while drinking from a plastic "Mr. Goodbar" cup. It was posted on her own MySpace site.
Thank you Marblefawn! We
Thank you Marblefawn! We last took SD on vacation to the beach in 2016. She came out of the hotel with the skimpiest bikini on. I swear only her nipples were covered and the bottom was a thong! She was still 16 years old and wearing a damn thong on the beach!!!! I was mortified. I told my husband I couldn't even look at her, it's making me uncomfortable. He said what do you want her to wear? That's how bathing suits are made these days I guess.
Yes we have tried to tell her these stories over and over again. She thinks she's above the law and it could never happen to her. One of her friends just died in an alcohol related car crash. Her friend was driving drunk and hit a tree. Yet SD has admitted to drinking and driving. She says "I don't get drunk and drive but I'll have a few"
OMG, yea, the bikinis! We
OMG, yea, the bikinis! We bought a house with a pool and SD came a few times in barely anything. I felt awkward sitting with her dad talking because she's so big busted and her huge boobs are like right under her head where we're looking, and they're just barely retained by those tiny triangles of fabric!!! Geez!
But in fairness to SD, I am untypically modest. I don't show any skin and I don't want to see a lot of skin, especially on people others will associate with me.
You have told your SD about the dangers of posting. There is nothing else you can do. I imagine your SO is hoping SD turns out OK without him having to be a bad guy (i.e. without him having to be a parent). Maybe he'll get lucky!
You know, if I were still dealing with someone your SD's age, I'd make it really, REALLY clear to your husband that it's his choice not to parent now, but you will not suffer the fallout when SD's behavior catches up with her.
I'd say something like, "OK, don't say anything about her drinking. You're her father and that's up to you. I won't bring it up again. But I am putting you on notice now that we won't be posting bail, paying for lawyers or rehab, and she's not moving in here when she falls apart. You are choosing not to deal with it now, when it hasn't done much damage. But just so you know, I will choose not to deal with it later when it is a much bigger problem."
Thank you Marblefawn. We
Thank you Marblefawn. We have tried counseling and the therapist even said to him "what are you going to do if she doesn't turn out ok" I believe his response was "I guess it will hurt and I don't know how I will handle it but I did much worse than her at this age and I turned out ok so I'm just hoping she does as well"
I do like the advice of sitting down with him and telling him this. I will probably do this tonight with out trying to start an argument. However I already know his answer and he will tell me I will never turn my back on my daughter and if she needs me I will do whatever I need to do for her.
I really hate the Big Strong
I really hate the Big Strong Dad act (which is usually a bluff for a no-action dad).
He thinks that grandiose statement about "being there" for SD if she needs him is fooling anyone? He's not even there for her now!!! Today she needs him to at least tell her he doesn't condone her behavior. Just try to be a parent.
What is with him? Why did he have a kid? It's like he's saying he can somehow fix everything after her world falls apart (when she needs him) but he can't do thing to keep it from falling apart ("I'm just hoping she does as well") - there's no role whatsoever for him until absolute crisis hits SD. WTH?
Geez! Does he want to be cleaning up her messes into her adulthood? Does he think he will be able to fix any trouble she gets into if she just NEEDS him? He sure as hell isn't going to help her when she's in prison for killing someone when she was drinking and driving. He won't be in that wheelchair if she has an accident and paralyzes herself. He can't give her everything she needs, but he should at least try to reduce the likelihood of her needs becoming too big for anyone to meet.
My niece posted pictures of
My niece posted pictures of her smoking a joint, along with a big bag of pot while on vacation in Mexico, when she was about 25, 6-7 years ago.
I told her to take it down ASAP!
She told me I was bing an old fuddy duddy, everyone did it, and it was no big deal.
When she got back to work she lost 3-4 clients and 2 others harassed her and asked if she could hook them up with some pot. Her boss almost fired her.
She’s a high end hair stylist.
She was shocked! She really didn’t think there would be any repercussions. She kept saying how she hadn’t done anything That bad, it was Only a couple of pictures and other people needed to get their nose out of her life!
Now she’s in her 30s and has a much better, more mature attitude.
I really hope she can grow up
I really hope she can grow up like your niece did. I know she's only 18 but she needs to grow up and learn life has rules and consequences. She's thinks she's invincible. If she is already drinking this much while still in high school I can't imagine what she will be like as an adult. I'm not saying I was an angel, I did my share of partying when I was in college. I won't say I didn't drink in high school b/c I did on occasion but I was an athlete so I didn't party that much. I could probably count on 1 hand the # of times I drank in high school. She moved out b/c she said she couldn't handle one more day in our house. You want to know what was so bad....17 years old midnight curfew on school nights, no smoking and drinking in our home, she had to ask if her friends could come over, and when she left she had to tell us where she was going. Those were the rules of the house. She never had chores, she never once would help with dishes, she didn't vacuum, she didn't have to make her bed, do her laundry or even clean her room.
Sadly, my niece is an
Sadly, my niece is an alcoholic. A very high functioning one, but still.
She won’t drink at all during the week, but come the weekend she’ll pound back 4-5 bottles of wine on a Friday night. She’s been passed out on her front lawn, had a concussion from falling and hitting her head on a shelf, woken up in multiple strangers beds.
But still not her rock bottom.
She gets very very angry and defensive if anyone posts drunken pictures of her on social media and will rant and rave about they could ruin her life.
Yet, she doesn’t stop the drinking?
So the lesson she learned was how powerful social media was and that as long as she keeps her drinking quiet and mostly at home she’s ok.
Oh and she gave up pot, so that she won’t be a bad influence on her son. However, Everyone drinks. It’s just a glass of wine after a hard week!
Addicts have many ways of justifying their behaviour.
My SD at 15 had risqué photos
My SD at 15 had risqué photos of her self
Posted on Instagram hash tagged lesbian goddess. She had her full name and in the comments people
We're asking for her phone number and she had it typed out there for the world to see . It was set to public and if you looked at the hashtag lesbian goddess there she was in all her 15 year old self amongst porn. I too brought up to her father because I felt it was a safety issue . I showed him how to google her name and there was her address . Any sicko could have easily found her
My SD moved out at 18. Burned
My SD moved out at 18. Burned all of her bridges with me for sure. Haven't seen nor heard from her in 3 years.
She and DH have recently reconnected. She is his kid so I encourage him. She is blocked on my social media.
Not my sh*t slinging monkey, not my circus.
“Not my sh*t slinging monkey,
“Not my sh*t slinging monkey, not my circus.”
Ahhh, tears.
As far as bad report cards
As far as bad report cards go, etc, I actually keep every.scrap.of.documentation in case the skids come back on Chef and he can show them just exactly how wonderful a job the Girhippo did at parenting them
We were watching a movie this
We were watching a movie this past weekend. Out of the blue DH says how the scene of the lawyer visiting a client in jail was set up just how it was when he visited his Middle daughter in jail in 2012 when she was locked up for identity theft (against her own BM) and dog only knows what other stuff. He then bailed her out and brought her to our house for five weeks of hell. This twit was in her 30’s and in so much deep legal dodo. Each day we found out how deeper is was. So DH knows not to mention her name to me. I ignored his comment and changed the subject. But whatever to intrusion was done. Guess one good thing about it all was that was when I found this lovely site.
Your SD sounds just as lovely. Not.
Separate those finances and change the subject. And maybe the locks.
Do not let her move in ever.
Stop stalking her social
Stop stalking her social media, seriously.... block her and you will not see anything.
This is not your child, how DH feels about it and what he does about it has nothing to do with you. And by showing and telling him, he will only get pissed off at you cause you are gunning for his daughter, you are causing allot of marital problems in your own life.
Disengage, what SD does is her business... stay out of it.
Stalk her social media? I'm
Stalk her social media? I'm not friends with her on facebook, instagram or twitter? She tagged my husband so it popped up on my timeline that she tagged him. Sorry but if it was my daughter I would not want her portrayed that way. Do you want your family and friends to know your 18 year old high school daughter is a trainwreck, in the bars and drinking every day of her senior year of high school? Or do you want your family to believe your daughter is a sweet little girl even if she is a trainwreck? Untag yourself from the photos and your family and friends won't see your parenting fail. My friend said to me I'm sorry but I've even shown my mom your SD's instagram and facebook photos, sorry but that girl is a hot mess. Is that what you would want from your daughter? Not mine. Just trying to help my DH see the light.
We had a peaceful conversation about it last night. I asked him with the alcoholism that runs in his family & BM's family (including BM) doesn't he worry about SD, if she is posting these pictures while still in high school what's going to happen when she is out of high school, in college (if she goes) and a young adult of legal drinking age. From the looks and sounds of it she's already on the verge of being an alcoholic at the age of 18. She's been drinking since she was 14. Been busted several times and hasn't learned her lesson yet. She admits to drinking and driving. She's only 18 and has been fired from every job she has ever had, all 4 jobs! Why? Due to call offs/no shows and why? B/c when a party comes up she calls off, when she's too hungover she calls off. She couldn't even hang out with her family on Christmas Eve because her friends were out partying so she had to leave Christmas Eve night so she could go drinking. She scarfed dinner down and left. We haven't seen her since.
Maybe I care about her and her wellbeing. Maybe I care about her future. Maybe I want someone to step in before it's too late. What's going to happen to my husband if she winds up dead, a drug addict or a full blown alcoholic? How will that affect my husband? How will that affect our daughter? How will that affect me? How will it affect our marriage and relationship? Am I a being selfish by saying that her actions will affect me? Maybe but it's true. If she's drinking a driving and kills herself, that will destroy my husband which in turn will destroy me, my daughter and our entire family.
All I'm trying to do and ever do is have DH step up and be a PARENT!
I tried for years to get SO
I tried for years to get SO to step up as a parent, it simply put more strain on the relationship, thus I stopped.
if he did not change things in the past 15 years he's never going to change it, I've blocked SD from my social media thus I see nothing she does, nor whom she tags.... not my problem. What his family thinks of her is not my problem, if the In-laws say to me, have you seen this or that, I reply with NO and if it bothers you talk to her father, I'm not her parent... normally they want me to talk to SO, I refuse.... I have not seen anything thus I can not say anything
Aergia is not my family, what she does is up to SO to deal with and yes she's a bit worse then your SD Hon and they are the same age, I mean Aergia flaunts her relationships with married men on FB.. that's how the one wife found out lol, and sweet sweet Aergia was only 17. This excludes the half drunken photo's at parties etc.... I've explained to them time after time, the day you start job seeking HR will look for you on social media, and with photo's like that you are doomed. I can only control my bio, and his FB is locked down like mine... any one can search, they will not even see our names.... Deigma also never posts any photo's of himself or friends at parties.... it's just not on.
Maybe I care about her and her well being. - Yes I do feel sorry for Aergia, not her fault she's the way she is, it's her parents fault for never parenting, but there's nothing I can do to change, unless she comes to me and asks me for help and if she means it, then I wills tep in
Maybe I care about her future. Naturally we do care about the younger generations future, but if they do not care about their own futures, you caring is not going to change anything, accept it....
Maybe I want someone to step in before it's too late. That some one should be authorities with the given age, her parents will never step in and do something about it, hopefully she will meet a stand up guy who will sort this out.
What's going to happen to my husband if she winds up dead, a drug addict or a full blown alcoholic? He's going to be heart broken and all you can do is to support him, be there for him and never say you saw this coming, or it's your fault... if you love your husband you will help him through her death
How will that affect my husband? How will that affect our daughter? With time and support your husband will be fine, plenty of people loose their loved ones and go on with life, and for your daughter, she will be sad but she will move on with her life, how it effects her all depends on the way you are raising her.
How will that affect me? You will be sad, you will think, idiots if only you listened to me, if only I did more, if only..... but that's being human, accept it, you tried and tried and your help was not taken, it's not your fault, you did not force this upon anyone, you did not kill her... you will go on with life as well...
How will it affect our marriage and relationship? This will depend on how strong you are and what support you give your family,
Am I a being selfish by saying that her actions will affect me? No your are not being selfish, and regardless if she's a good skid or bad skid, it's your husbands daughter, it will effect you, you are a human with feelings, but you can do nothing about it.
Maybe but it's true. If she's drinking a driving and kills herself, that will destroy my husband which in turn will destroy me, my daughter and our entire family.
No Hon...... it will not destroy anything, it will make the bond stronger, all depends on how the situation is dealt with, if your husband pushes you away, it's not because of you, it's because he's hurting, yes you are going to hurt as well, but it all depends on how you deal with it. If DH tells you, it's your fault you never liked my daughter, do not take it to heart, he's hurting and yes when people are hurting they hurt every one around them, you can simply say to him then... Hon, I love you and I will support you, we will get through this.... or you can tell him, Hon you are being unfair, we both tried, she choose this path against out wishes it's unfair of you to blame any one, even yourself because she died...
As much as I’d want to tell
As much as I’d want to tell my DH about his little snowflake posting photos like this - I wouldn’t.
I’d sit on my hands and not call attention to it, allowing these self-depreciating photos to just hang there for everyone to see.