Hi Im new here
Ive been reading alot of posts, and i just want to start by saying this is a great site. I wish i would have known about it sooner. Im a Bio-Mom to 4 kids, and a Step Mom to 4 kids. My DH has a truelly ignorant and decietful ex ( common law ) that he has 1 son with. His other kids are from 2 other mothers, and they are nothing like the last one. She just about drove me insane, the first 2 yrs of marriage, but since she will never change, I had to change my way of thinking. She is really jealous of me, and it shows. Which pretty much makes me be in control, instead of her ( mind you, it took me two years to come to that train of thought). She still does things to irritate me, but now i just dont play into her games anymore. I do still vent to friends about her. Now i just kill her with kindness, and she hates it!!! I loath this woman, and refer to her as the "Beast" to my friends and even DH, of course he has more harsh words for her....LOL. I cant wait to get to know everyone better, as well as get and give advice. Thanks for such a great site 
Tell me how to get to that train?
I am the ex and deal with an ex.. How did you get to the train of thought? I need to get there..
Being the ex-wife I told my ex's new GF that I never want to be that overbearing ex so if I ever did for her to please tell me so I could stop..
But I am dealing with that ex wife I never want to become.. And she is really "pissing" me off. I have stayed quiet for quite awhile. And I know my husband would get angry if I caused any problems but I tell you what I could just explode.. My relationship with his daughter started out great and for the past year probalby now that I think of it has been shit.. We got engaged and recently got married. I love this man and I can honestly say that he is the first I have ever loved. I actually for a very long time thought there was something wrong with me because all my friends were talking about loving someone and the experiences they were explaining I never had felt. I had been married and have two kids. I had dated a couple men after my divorce and every time a problem would arise or the newness wore off I was out of there.. And yes I regret them for my kids sake but I also never gave up which I feel I taught my kids fall down get back up.. Anyways.. my SD bio-mom has been pumping her for info but also like calling her a liar when and stuff which in my opinion is hindering my relationship with her. I would never want to replace her mom.. I have two kids of my own a daughter and son and wouldn't want someone to replace me but I wouldn't hinder her relationship with my kids.. I made the choice to move on which in turn opened that single door for there father which gives someone a chance to bond with my kids.. But I know I am there mom noone can replace me.. I am not replaceable.. Oh my I could so call her and tell her what I think.. And worry about the consequences later.. So any advice you could give would be wonderful.. PLEASE... What should I do.. I want to be nice but a bitch..
I know its hard
I know its hard not to tell the Ex off, believe me I do. In the beginning, I stayed quiet, let her run all over me, cause problems in my marriage, and she was a bitch to me. Then I got tired of it and told her what I thought...Guess what? She is still a bitch!! So no matter what you do, if the Ex doesnt like you ( and its mostly always because they are jealous of you) hey are still going to be a bitch. I had 2 choices. 1: Beat her ass, or 2: Realize that her motives behind her hatefulness was jealousy. I picked the latter. Then I tried to think OK, what if i was jealous of someone, and I know how jealousy is, been there before. What would i be feeling? And waa laa, the answers came to me. I figure she hates seeing me and my DH together, it kills her inside. I bet she even stays up, tossing and turning when she thinks about me. Dont you think that, I just love that i can make her miserable, just by being married to her Ex. #1 advice I can give you would be, make damn sure you dont hide from her, make sure that you and your DH are seen in public together, let her see happiness. She will be pissed beyond anything, and her day will be ruined. Let her see, that you make him happy. Obviously she didnt, or he would still be with her. Believe me, she will think about it, and replay what she saw in her mind for a long time. Automatic, payback for her bullshit. Maybe Im sick, but i get great satisfaction, knowing that i dont hurt because of her anymore, and that i know that i can get to her. Everyday tell yourself, that she is jealous of you, and you have all the power, your train of thought will sway in this same direction. As far as the child is concerned. She will get older and mature hopefully. Just be nice to her, or at least try until the Water calms. I hope I helped a little bit. Good look sweetie, time heals all things.
you are awesome..
i have started all that today. sucks to be that ex who regrets the divorce. i know when i left my ex there was no looking back and still isn't.
you are not mean. you are right on about getting satisfaction out of making her miserable.
i cannot wait to do all these wonderful things you pointed out. i am now returning her work. full force..
i will make sure that my sd is taken care of as my own. i love all of them very much.
and as far as there mom goes..
maybe she should have played nice in the beginning. i am one of the easiest people to get a long with. i still have friends that i talk to daily since i was 4 .. that says something doesn't it..
again thank you.. i will keep you posted..
Way to go !!!
You be in control!! Take your power back!!! Im not saying to go out of your way to make her jealous, that would be a mistake that your husband will notice. Just be yourself, be loving towards the kids/kid. Dont make what she tells her child be true ( in other words, be extra nice so you can prove the mother wrong). By no means am i saying let the child disrespect you. But if she does, just say something like " I know this is hard for you, my children went through these same emotions, we will deal with this together". Let your husband see you being gentle with his child, and you will be rewarded for it!! No matter how bad you want to just throw a huge fit, AT ALL COSTS AVOID IT. Make an excuse to leave the room, lock yourself in the bathroom for a min, and cuss your butt off quietly, or to yourself. Say all those ugly things that you really want her, or her mother to hear to yourself, and get satisfaction like that. The nicer you are, the more stupid they look!!!!! You can do this. If I can do this, you can do this. It might be hard at first, but eventually, everyone will see a change in you. Just repeat, repeat, repeat what i have told you. If you make a mistake, and get mad about something, apoligize for it, and correct it the next time. Everyone falls off of the bicycle at first, but eventually you get the hang of it. Just remember you goal is to feel better, and not have so much animosity all the time. A huge burden will be lifted:)
I know everyones situation
I know everyones situation is different, but thankfully with my husbands cooperation we totally got his ex out of the picture.
Basically we didn't empower her, which I find most people do. When his son was small, it was an arranged pick up and drop off time. If there had to be contact she wasn't allowed to talk to my husband, only me. Reason- because she in the beginning would use the poor kid as an excuse to still have a relationship, and put a wedge in ours. So we nipped it, right in the beginning.
As for the SS school activities we didn't go to any except his graduation where we spied her on the other side of the room. When he was at our house, we could arrange our OWN activities. We basically had our own celebrations and she had hers with her families at different times. This was how it was done, and worked out great. We made sure husbands family cut her off also which they were only too glad to do, so basically we didn't allow her in our lives, and what I would suggest for most to do. Forget the petty stuff, jealously ect. you only hurt yourself and marriage. Just get rid of the ex.
Acopswife...WELCOME!!!
It is good to have someone on the site who is also in my situation…my husband has two girls with two different moms…dealing with more than one B*T@# just adds more fuel to the fire…long story short…he was in a relations ship with Mom A for 3 years off and on…she was verbally abusive a lot towards the end (last year or so…) when they moved in together (all of his friends stopped coming around b/c of the way she would treat him/talk to him…but they all LOVE me b/c I treat him with the respect he deserves!)…he left her, met Mom B dated her for about a month and a half, found out she was a psycho (she was like 33 years old living with her mother and her mother would pick up the phone and fuss at her while she and my husband were having a conversation, if she came in too late her mother would put her on punishment!!) so he stopped seeing her and a months later got back together with Mom A…when Mom B told my husband that she was 6-7 months pregnant he and Mom A were already back together…she “accidentally” gets pregnant too (she’d been on birth control for 3 years and never ended up pregnant…but finding out someone else was going to have his child apparently rendered her birth control null and void!) The girls are 6 months apart to the day…One is 6 and the other will be turning 6 soon….when I came into his life he was with neither one of them and the kids were 2 & 1 year old….I guess that is not the short version but there is SO MUCH more involved….they “teamed up” when he and I got together (if we can’t have him no one will) and started to do the same stupid S*#@.... i.e. they’d both not bring the kids for their visit, neither of them allowed the girls to come to our wedding, etc……I think Mom B is obsessed with Mom A…(and I think she may be a closet bisexual) She even went and got the exact same tattoo that Mom A has in the exact same location!!! PSYCHO!!! Mom A is not really psycho but she is manipulative, materialistic and controlling and uses Mom B’s craziness to her advantage by manipulating her into doing what she wants (i.e. I’m not taking Child A over for a visit today b/c he didn’t do what I wanted him to do…you shouldn’t take Child B either....) and the stupid girl does it!
Two exs to deal with?!
Nise, with two exs to deal with you must be part Saint. I know that I couldn't do it! I commend you...big time!
Thanks! It is hard but the
Thanks! It is hard but the good does outweigh the bad b/c I have NEVER been loved as hard and strong as my husband loves me! I’m NEVER worried about him getting back with either of them…..Mom B is not and never has been or will be an issue b/c basically they never really knew each other and he NEVER loved her…Mom A is not an issue either b/c is sad to me b/c she is so scornful and hateful. If you believe in generational curses…that is what she is under and sad to say is passing on to the 5 year old…she even said “My mom was a B*@#H, I’m a B*@#H and my daughter is going to be a B*@#H!! How fricking ignorant is that?! And she is raising her to be just as manipulative and materialistic as she is! Don’t get me wrong, she is a sweet girl but the values she is learning are SAD…she talks to other kids VERY HATEFULLY and truly doesn’t understand it when they refuse to play with her…she will get sad and I try to explain to her the best I can “you can’t treat people that way if you want them to be nice to you” but she is baffled by that concept b/c she sees her mom do it all the time…like the boyfriend she has now…my husband and I looked his name up on our Municipal court data base…he is a FELON!!! He has so many domestic violence charges with different women, aggrevated assault, aggrevated robbery, etc, etc, some cases still ACTIVE! My husband says that is why she would cuss him and talk to him all crazy when they were together b/c she wanted a man to physically abuse her and when he wouldn’t do it he was all kinds of “punks”…well now she has her wish!
Thank you Nise.......
Ummm i have you beat Nise, I had 3 ex's to deal with the first yr of my marriage. 1st ex-wife has one son with DH and he is 21, and she leaves us alone. 2nd ex-wife has 2 kids with DH a 14 yr old daughter, and an 18 yr old son and 3rd ex Common law wife.....by far the worst, BEAST as i call her, has 1 13 yr old son. Me and 2nd ex-wife actually can get along. I try not to talk to her much, because she is now friends with the BEAST. Imagine that!! And she hated her while she was shacked up with DH. Every single one of them want my DH to spend time with just their kids, they cant stand it when one of the other half siblings comes here, or we do something with just one. Its all a game, of who DH loves more. Its truely a sick sick thing. Trust me, I almost lost my sanity in the beginning. But i have since washed my hands of it, and Im more happier for it. What I mean by that is, I tried to include everyone all at the same time, it didnt work. I tried to make everyone of the ex's happy and tried to tell them that DH loves the kids all equally ( almost on a daily basis) Of course that wasnt my job. But I tried to make peace, in a war zone. Not anymore, no way. Now I just make sure that the kids know that their dad loves them, and let the ex's think what they wanted to think. I could write a book, of the mess i was brought into. My DH has picked some real losers in the past. Hes a Police Officer and works long hrs, its hard to be a Cops wife, or signiicant other, because you DH is MIA alot...lol. I too work weird hours, Im an EMT, so i understand what its like not to be home, like with a regular 9-5 job. The first 2 ex's i can understand, getting bored ( not cheating like they did though). But the BEAST and are you ready for this...........She is a dispatcher, and she works with DH in his Dept. Can any of you imagine, you husbands working with the person you loath the most, his Ex????? It doesnt bother me though, because she is also our EMS dispatcher. So I have to talk to her stupid ass too on the radio sometimes. Its all crazy, i know!!!! Im still sane though, as sane as anyone in EMS can be...lol.
New to the site
I am so glad to have found this site. I am engaged to be married to a man that has an 8 year old daughter. The daughter and I get along fine, but ever since I came into the picture, she has made it very hard to see his daughter. We recently had to hire an attorney just to get visitation with the daughter since they were never married. Recently we have been allowed to spend limited time with her. Yesterday she shared some things with us that she is learning in a bible study class that her afterschool caregiver takes her too. The biomom does not discuss religion with her at all, instead she lets this woman have all of the influence. As the future stepmom I would like this to end and her father would too. How much say can we really have? How do you deal with a biomom that is very unreasonable, does not allow the father to be part of the child's life and won't communincate with either one of us?