spoiled princess daughters and starry-eyed dad!
Wow, am I grateful to have found a network of intelligent and balanced stepmoms out there! I am so tired of all of the polly-anna type advice from books about stepparenting! I am human and my feelings are very real and raw. I am hoping that you more experienced stepmoms can help me find my way though this very confusing maze!
I am not, actually, a stepmom at this point and am actually a little slow to finalize my own divorce. I am doing this so that I can take more time to figure out if I actually have the constitution to go through with the stepparenting life.
I have two boys, ages 3 and 5. Their biodad and I split about a year and a half ago, and I have been intensely involved with a very dear and special man for about 10 months. That i am madly in love with him is absolutely certainly. He brings enormous love and affection to my life, and is very attached and involved with my two boys (they are responsive and happy to have him in their lives as well).
He has two daughters (ages 7 and 10...the older one very much a pre-teen, and the younger one heavily influenced by her older sister). He speaks of them with teary eyes and reverence 'my girls...my girls, oh how I miss my girls' and has worked out a custody arrangement with standard alternating weekends and several weeks during the summer.
When they visit, the girls spend much of their time disrespecting their dad and complaining. The whine about just about everything; there is no pleasing them! They always seem to have conflicts with my boys (who are not perfect by any means--but I am ready to admit that and reprimand them deftly), are always 'boooorrrred', and generally get on my nerves. They are not friendly, especially the older one, and smile little. All the while, their father is the classic incompetent dad, paying little attention to 'his beloved girls' and instead spending most of their visits on the computer, reading the paper or dragging them to work with him (he is distracted like this in his daily life when they are not visiting, so this is not terribly out of character for him, but all of the work falls on me and I am not interested in raising his two spoiled brats)!
The older one calls him a butthead and he simply chooses to ignore it. I don't, and am put in the bad cop position. They seem confused about their feelings about me, having accused me of stealing their dog (who escaped from dad's house before he came to live with me), but follow me around like puppys in search of some kind of activity during their visits.
The scope of their mother's influence is huge, and she is really hostile. They are not allowed to bring anything that is given to them at my house home with them. They are VERY loyal to their mom (who, by the way, was never married to their mom as he refused to marry a woman who had a baby without his consent and whom he never loved). I feel like I am living with two petulant versions of his ex, and I do everything that I can do to stay away when they are visiting.
I know that a lot of these feelings are not very pretty, and I am not proud of them, but I really don't want anything to do with these girls, and wonder how I could manage given the current situation. They have NO respect for their dad, and he is doing no boundary-setting in order for that to change (nor do I believe that he is really capable of learning these skills)!!
He is a fabulous, creative and very passionate human being, but a wreak when it comes to parenting his 'little angels!' Everyone who has met these girls find them to be annoying, cold and disrespectful...they just don't have any warmth or positive attributes to bring to the picture! My boys are loving, attentive and generous. I can't imagine the negative influence that these girls might have over the years.
Well, as you can see, I'm no saint! I shoud feel sorry for these poor girls, but this is my home and my life and my children's futures here! I wonder if I will be stuck with a similar bunch of problems no matter who I fall in love with, and can't imagine letting the love of my life go! I only have them on alternating weekends, but can't stand it, dread their arrival and listen to endless ruminations about 'how beautiful it was to be with (my) girls....YUCK!
HELP! (and thanks to those of you who hung in there long enough to read this post)!
hi paranoid
I replied to your post below...I was having trouble figuring out the site (i'm not very web savvy)!
Anyways, if you scroll down you'll see my thanks : )
Sounds like Dad has some work to do!
Sounds like Dad has some work today in developing some boundaries that are acceptable to him and spending time with his girls while they are with him. That may make some difference in their behaviour. I wouldn't recommend getting involved and defending their Dad when they aren't nice to him. Leave that to him...he is capable. If not, you will be the bad guy.
This situation is very feasible, but there is work ahead and a lot of commitment on the adult's involved to make the situation work! Good luck and take care.
stepmom living with an angel?
AWAY WITH WORDS MY STEPDAUGHTER CURSES LIKE A TRUCK DRIVER AND HER FATHER TELLS PEOPLE IN A VERY PROUD MANNER THAT SHE HAS A WAY WITH WORDS!HE TREATS ME LIKE THE CHILD AND HIS DAUGHTER AS THE ADULT.When we have issues they should be something we as a couple work out.Well I know he discusses this with her.Of course she responds to him as a concerned daughter but she would love life with just her father.I have been dealing with this since she was 14 and she will be 20.If he is watching T.V and I interupt he will answer very shortly,hint.But if his daughter enters the room he is all ears.I never had a father in my life so maybe I am missing something but I feel he needs to remember who is the daughter and who is his wife.
I know how you feel
I have a 15 year old step daughter, I have been around ever since she was almost 9. She was living with her dad when I first moved in and then her mom talked her to moving back with her due to that I had three kids, and that she would not have her way any more with her dad. Her dad has her very spoiled, he lets her by with everything. I have three children who are 10,9, and 6, if they do anything out of the way they get in trouble or grounded for a while, but it is okay for her to do things that they are not allowed to do. I try to talk to her dad, which is my husband and he gets all pissed off at me, I feel like she is trying to run me and my children off. Just like he lets her use the internet, and go to chat rooms, and my 10 year old wants to get on line and go to educational sites and he told me that she could not use the internet that she was not old enough. His daughter does not try to help out with any house work or anything. All she wants to do is stay on the phone, and run the cell phone bill up. She uses more minutes than I do, and just talks to anybody. I try to talk to my husband about things but he says until he gets her mother to paying him child support for her than he is going to let her by with things, I feel that it is not fair to my children that she gets by with things and they get grounded or there butts beat for things that which is really her fault, and it does not do any good to say anything to him, because he is always going to take up for her no matter what. Please help me my nerves are shot and I don't know what to do or where I stand
1st of all..
If it were my child at 10 and wanted to get on the internet, I think I would have to tell him to kiss my a$$.. My daughter is 10 and gets on the internet. I know where she is at, and what she is doing. So I think that he would not be telling me anything about my child.
By him being that way to your children is teaching or telling your kids that they are not important at all, they are less valuable. As there mom you are to step up and protect them if you will or be there mouth and make sure things are fair. If your husband cannot step up to the plate with your children and be fair to them then what does that say for his character.
Let him know that things are changing around there. That he is no longer aloud to discipline your children. That you see it as unfair to your kids and that it would be best not only for them but for your marriage if you both controlled your own children.
A kid is a kid. I know I have issues with my SK.. but I still love them and try very hard not to be this way or the way he is as well. ITs hard trust me. But my kids are just as important to my husband as they are to me and there real father.
What is good for his DD is good for your kids.. I see there is an age difference but your kids should not be expected to do more and able to so much less. PRincess needs to get off her duff and do things to help out too.
And what does her mother paying child support have to do with any of this? Just curious.. They also make lawyers and judges and laws to help get that money?
Sorry I am being a little mean to the man but he is being very unfair and teaching your kids no self worth.
Reply
Why are you letting him control you and your kids that way? Why is he spanking your children? For this very reason, I can see why a lot of women wait until their kids are grown and gone before remarrying or shacking up with someone. I feel sorry for you and your kids. Your kids are going to grow up resenting you for letting this happen to them. Maybe you should make a stand and if he doesn't like it, leave his ass. It's not worth ruining your relationship with your children over some man. I know this sounds harsh, but you should think about it...blood is thicker than water. He thinks of himself and his child before you and your children. That's not a good thing.
Absolutely agree, baffled!
My husband's middle child, a daughter, is coming to visit next week and I am mega concerned about this. It always seems that when she is here I become invisible. Uusally it is over long weekends or holidays and quite frankly, I am tired of spending these holidays without my spouse.
My husband and I discussed this concern and he asked me how he should be when his daughter is here. I suggested three things, not of which is rocket science, a) remember who is your wife and who is your child b) keep in mind your wedding vows and c) be yourself, whatever that is.
Oh...and the stepdaughter who had a baby a week ago and we heard from her a few times daily prior to the baby's birth and then when she was going to hospital, when she was starting to push and then a call from her personally when the baby was born...well we haven't heard much since the day the baby was born because my husband's ex, her mother, has been here visiting so pop's goes on the backburner until the ex (the queen) goes home. Tomorrow my husband will be able to visit the baby again because she is gone now! So stupid and complicated!
I went to a wedding yesterday of one of my colleagues. It was beautiful. She was walked down the aisle by her dad and step dad. She had her first dance with her dad, then her step dad. Her mom and stepdad gave a speech together. The wedding was in the garden of her step dad's parents. There was no mention of step parents vs bio parents...they were all just her parents and grandparents. It was phenomenal...it is too bad that all families couldn't be like this!
We will see how this visit goes.... Time will tell.
Right on Baffled!!!l
That's it! Who is the child .. who is the spouse?? He seems confused on how to have a "normal" pareent/child relationship. He treats her like a peer/spouse/friend..etc
Sister-in-law told me that X once said he treats SD like the wife. He always told me..X was "jealous" of his relationship with SD. In his first marriage it was always Dad & SD togther. I thought they spent so much time together..leaned on each other..because of the nut-job bed hopping mother. I question that assessment now.
Which came first chicken or egg? Was X ignored and left out by these two...and as a result of being the odd (wo)man out... went looking for love in all the wrong places? Or did her running around & other behaviour cause these two to become close? Which came first?
If she complained or tried to "discuss" being left out by them..was that his grounds for accusing her of "jealousy"? Has he not figured out any of the mistakes made during the first marriage?
I know I haven't done anything to force him to run to her as did X...I've had his back from day one! (His kids turned thier backs on him for a while.) He too has run back to them with our conversations. So I guess I'm starting to get the picture...
In any relationship three is a crowd!!!!!
PS
I'm not having a good week... Thank You everyone for listening to me and giviing me your support, advice & perspective on things. It's truly appreciated!
what in the world?!
I think the real question is who is the ADULT and who is the CHILD??? What can you all possibly be thinking? How can a GROWN woman be jealous,resentful of, and competeitive with a child? The nature of the two relationships are totally different and not at all in conflict (unless you are so insecure you feel your romantic relationship is threatened by a paternal one!). ANy man who does treat his child as second to his "new" wife (whhich is what you all seem to want) is not a good dad and is not someone to be respected! and if the kids are bratty, they are hurting and angry about the family splitting up - wouldn't you be? and they are kids, therefore lacking in adult coping skills. they need their families to help them manage th emotion and learn better ways to deal with things, not compete and make them feel more alone... i am blown away by the lady who says about the 8 and 10 year olds, "i want nothing to do with these girls" - how can you say that about ANY child?!!? i am appalled at everything i've read here. i came looking for stepparenting tips, and instead i've found out that wicked stepmoms DO exist. grow up, go to therapy, and please, take a little care and responsibility for the children in this world. they aren't controlling their situation, they just have to do the best they can when their worlds change. you can leave and get a new man - they have ONE dad.
Obviously, you need to take
Obviously, you need to take off your rose colored glasses! All children are not wonderful to be around some of them have major issues that were not caused by their stepparents.
Also, if a husband doesn't put enough effort into his relationship with his wife then he will go from woman to woman because none of them will last. I think that kids need as much stability as they can get.
And finally, almost everybody is on this site to vent their feelings about their situation and shouldn't be judged anonymously! Some of them are trying to find ways to not feel the way they do. I applaud all of them for being brave enough to seek opinions on this site!!!!
I haven't read a post by any wicked stepmothers, only human beings that are in difficult situations doing the best they can.
I have nothing more to say.
Dawn
I am curious anonymous...
I read your comments "anonymous" with incredible astonishment. Have you been in a step parenting situation for very long? or at all? Are you married yet? If so, you obviously have the answers that many, many step parents are desperately looking for. The failure rate for second marriages is very, very high and most often related to challenges with step children. It is not even that the children, step parents biomoms, etc. are always at fault....sometimes it is not what is right or wrong or good or bad...it is about what is! Many bio parents have issues with children...step parenting issues are much different and more intense. The feelings on this website are not unique, unusual, wicked or offensive. They are normal feelings expressed by normal women in challenging situations. I have no doubt that the feelings expressed here allow step moms to relieve some of that stress and cope with day to day challenges. I know that it helps me.
There is no room for being judgmental. This is a resource...an awesome one. However, if it does not work for you...move along quietly. However, if you do have the answers that will allow everyone the kind of insight that you seem to have...please share! There was probably a time in my relationship that I felt somewhat like you expressed (probably not quite so blunt). However, a few years of marriage and parenting of teen step kids with two different sets of family dynamics changed my opinion really fast. Sometimes people are too soon old and too late smart!
what in the world?!....
You are either 1. VERY NEW to the whole step parenting thing (and if this is the case PLEASE buckle up and keep your hands inside the car AT ALL TIMES b/c you are in for a rude awakening and a CRAZY RIDE!) or 2. VERY MUCH in denial…Nevertheless, you said you came here looking for tips which means that you acknowledge that there are things that you do not know and/or are having some difficulties in your relationship….the ladies here are GREAT at giving advice and support… I hope you hang around long enough to find that our for yourself!
Make a GREAT Day!
Marriage is the #1 priority
if you choose to always place children before your marriage, your marriage will not last. Also, you are depriving your children of a stable home, if your marriage isn't stable. So, truly, your #1 priority is your marriage, and your #2 priority are your children.
A man that places the "wants" of a child above the "needs" of the marriage has his priorties confused.
Sure wicked stepmoms do exist, so do wicked biological mothers, which is mostly what the women here are complaining about. It's very challenging to always be the "adult" in very train wreck these bm's are entitled to create.
It is also okay to "vent" about be resentful or bitter towards a child, these are normal feelings to have when in abnormal sitations...this site is a place for that, it is also a place where these wonderful women search for advice on getting over those feelings to move forward in a positive direction. The finger pointing, name calling I'm reading in your post is purely negative commentation and will never benefit anyone.
You are so right, Candice!
The marriage should always be the number one priority in any marriage...first, second or third. If not, problems evolve! You are so right Candice!
For the record Anonymous.
For the record Anonymous. These "children" I speak of ARE ADULTS.. 21 and 31 yrs old!! With thier own husbands / fiancees..who would not put up with for one F**$ing second....what they dish out to me!!!!!
As with the rest of these wonderful ladie.....this site is a God send for women like us who are trying to find our way through difficult issues ...by being as honest as we can with ourselves and each other..to help each other through...
Same here lovin life...
The step kids that I am speaking of are 21, 26 and 29. They would expect far more in a relationship for themselves than they consider for their father. No doubt that kids do suffer in marital breakdowns...that is reality! But condoning inappropiate behaviour does not help them in any way!
I read your blog. ANONYMOUS
You are very judgemental on all of us. That is very unfair.
1st of all when you go to get married in any marriage, the preacher tells you that you should both put the marriage first, because without that marriage there is nothing.
In being a divorced mother of two, you may look at us like we are being cruel and mean about the kids. I think in most of the cases here we are here for support to maybe get a different perspective on our unique situations. I am very upset with what you have said. I realise that my step children have only one dad and sorry to say that I do feel there pain in the fact that they are in a divorced family situation but also that is not my fault. It takes two people to make a marriage and two people to break it. I think what we the SM are saying is that it would be nice if in some situtations they either A. would not just take there kids side.. I remember being a kid and hopefully you can too, kids can be very manipulative.. and get what they want.. B. all we all want is for our husbands to stop looking thru glasses that portray there children as angels. I have two children of my own and if I took there word for stone all the time I would hurt a lot of people. My kids are not perfect but the diff is I know it.. and am willing to face that fact.
Don't judge us woman, unless you can say you are in our shoes..
Tell us your story and if you are so perfect then give us your advice on how you got thru this. None of us here got married for the second time to watch it go down the tubes.. I know for sure I didn't. I love my SK as I do mine and yes there are some differences in that love but forgive me I am human. You must be an extra special human.
I talk to my kids all the time about divorce and what happened and why. So I think all of us here are supportive, but tell me when you try so hard to be everything you can and the SK shit on you until they need something tell me how to deal with that.. Should I just give them everything and let them shit on me because to me that is not teaching them about life. You can't shit on anyone and get what you want.
I guess I am a little angry on your comments.
But you are an expert from the sounds so you tell us how you dealt with all this and then we will try it..
STOP PASSING JUDGEMENT.. YOU ARE A HUMAN TO I AM ASSUMING WHICH MAKES YOU NOT PERFECT EITHER...
SO if you are getting ready to plunge into a marriage with SK and an EX I hope you all live happily ever after.. Because you seem to be saying you are going to share your husband 100% all the time with the ex.. And giving your SK everything so they will except you.. GOOD LUCK..
What in your world?
I have been in my SD's life for 9 years and every month when she comes to visit it's a crap shoot on whether she is talking to me or not (she's 11). I have finally found a site that speaks of real feelings not just a rose colored lala land.
anonymous..
Your funny!!! Step parent for a year or two and get back to us..
I don't think calling other
I don't think calling other stepmoms "wicked" is fair. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and opinions. As the stepparent to two brats who manipulate everyone in our family, IT GETS REALLY OLD!! I've tried to like them, let alone love them, but I can't. They have disrupted my life, usurped my authority and been downright nasty for the last 10 years of my life and I can't wait until they leave my home for good. If my husband wants to see them after they are adults, he's welcome to do so, but I want nothing to do with them.
Stepmom to be..
I read your blog..
I can understand how you feel. I see these girls as they need someone to spend wuality time with them. I know I would not want to go to my dad's if I had to go to work with him. My daughter is 10 and hates to go to her dads because she says he is in the barn to much. (dairy farmer).
Sounds like they are afraid to really like you in fear of there bio mom. She sounds like a very harsh person.
I think there are psoitves that you can do here. When they are at YOUR house, and I say that because it is yours.. Not his or theres you have chosen to share you and your childrens home with them. So when they are there they need to respect you first and foremost. And as an adult that is up to you. Now I know I have the same issues and am trying to work with my step children but the ages are different. I understand your feelings.
I think they follow you around because they want you to pay attention to them. Find a common interest with them. I know you are an adult. Play board games as a family. Sit them down at a table and really open up to them. Try to be there friend first.
I am very sorry you feel all these missed emotions. It is so hard to be a step parent. Because I am like you, my ss who is 21 looked at his father in the heat of an argument and said your a dick.. I about fell to the ground. My kids would never say that to me, because there is no way I would put up with it.. My hubby says to me all the time you just wait your kids will do the same thing. I mean calling me a bitch behind my back so I cannot hear it I expect but to call me that to my face.. Oh my.. noway. I would not let my kids call him anything to his face either. My SK seem to have no respect for anyone either.. My SS and I are better.. I had to basically go off on him instead of just letting him tell me like he did in the past. I went off back and things seem ok.. Except for I am ready for him to fly on his own.. (MOVE OUT)..
We will all support you on this site.. It is awesome and really people on here give good insight..
to happy
You have given much time and effort to my situation and I really appreciate your feedback. I often feel as though I am pushed together to force a relationship with these girls, and the truth is that I just want to run the other way!! I think that you have much more patience than me...
You raise a very good point, which is that we live in MY house. He would be happy for me to move my family into his house (the girls and their mother moved out) but it is small and not very well located and I am fortunate enough to be financially well off through my family--thus, I own the house where the girls visit. They sleep in my guest room, swim in my pool, play with my boy's games and 'live large' on my tab. I suppose that this really compounds the problems, and fuels my anger with my boyfriend over the whole situation!! In fact, I am currently out of town visiting my mother, and was planning to go home in a few days. I found out today that his girls will be there towards the end of the week, so I decided to keep the boys and myself out of town for a few extra days (this involved changing 3 plane tickets and revising the boys visitation w/my ex). In the end, I am relieved that the change was possible, but so unhappy that I would go to such measures in order to avoid all of us being together under one roof!
Well, this IS called the 'place to vent', right??!!
Anyway, thanks for all. I wish that I was as generous as many of you out there seem to be, but I do feel like the wicked stepmother!
I don't have a solution -
but I do offer you sympathy and to let you know you are not alone. This is my life as well. My SD is 11 and is with us on long weekends, holidays AND THE ENTIRE SUMMER!. I deal with the same thing. The SD is perfect, above, the rules. When she misbehaves or is out of line 99% of the time her father ignores it. He and I have gone round and round becuase when he isn't there, or isn't looking, she does a number on me. Either sticks out her tongue, steps on my feet, she has pushed me, she ignores my requests of her. He thought if we ignored it, it would go away. Well it hasn't in 18 months. I think now that he only wanted to ignore it becuase lord almighty he may actually have to discipline the child. The only thing I know to suggest is to talk, talk, talk to your husband. You have to be completely open and honest about your feelings and what you need. It is not right for us to be the bad cop all the time and/or have to defend ourselves in our own home. Whenever my SD is coming for a visit, I sit down with my husband beforehand and remind him to pay attention, listen to what is going on around him and remember that the rules apply to her also. When she is with us, and she is doing "something" and I don't think his reaction is what it should be, I may tap his leg under the table or soemthing to get his attention. It seems to work to some degree. Anyways - I have PMS this week - so if my responses/replies/posts are a little angry.. that is why. Bear with me!
dear stressed,
I don't think that my guy is really going to take the whole thing seriously until I refuse a marriage proposal based on the stepkid issue.
He has briefly, and in a 'weak' moment, acknowledged that he doesn't really know how to relate to his girls (gender and age issue) and I think that he is really afraid that they are not going to like him if he steps in and gets tough. It is easier to turn the one bad ear in their direction (no joke!) and pretend that everything is ok. He comes from a high-conflict relationship and I know that he has mastered 'tuning out!'
Interestingly (to me, anyway), he allows me to discipline his 'little girls' when they are around, though obnoxiously, he sides with them against my boys whenever there is a he said/she said debate no matter what happened (in one instance, my 3 year old came to me crying because his 10 year old pushed him. The other daughter (age 7) told the story, and the older one tried to deny it. After a grilling from me, she finally came clean. I sent her off with her dad to do some errands (punishment) while the other kids got to go swimming. Later that night after the boys were asleep he took he swimming since 'she had missed out' on the fun earlier in the day...
Which leads me to ask of any and all who will answer:
Is the problem the stepchild, or is it their FATHER?!
(my guess would be that inept parenting leads to obnoxious, bratty and problematic children).
OK, stressed, you may think that you sound angry (you don't, by the way), but I just sound high-horsed!!!
My kids are no picnic, but they are always expected to be respectful and well mannered. They happen to be really cute, so most people just simply like them anyway. I'm no parental guru, but no child of mine is going to whine at me all day or call me a butthead!
thanks paranoid
Submitted by stepmom to be on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 7:04pm.
You are exactly the kind of voice of reason that I had hoped to find out there!!
Great advice-I actually have mentioned to my boyfriend that the visits are 'daddy/daughte'r time, not 'daddy's girlfriend/daddy's daughters' time! That has been a useful tactic, and he gets the message for about an hour. I repeat it again and again.
Perfect Angel syndrome is a very good way to put it, and he is especially biased toward the older one.
I read recently that the word 'parent' should have nothing to do with the role of a father's wife...where exactly does one have such a weighty (and often unwanted) title come from? How can someone who is in my situation find the desire to 'parent' the unfriendly child of a nasty ex?
In my case, I am not actually a stepparent yet (though he hopes to marry me once my divorce is final). Your choice to find a man with older kids so as to avoid all of this frustration speaks right to my heart. I adore him and would go through such heartbreak without him, but my long-term problems are hard to ignore.
Does anyone out there think that it is reasonable to tell a man that I am crazy about him, but would prefer not to spend his visitation time with his children? It sounds radical and unfair, but its really how I feel. They bring NOTHING positive to my experience, and I feel like I am spending my weekend with junior versions of his ex girlfriend when I am with them. Its just torture. Is any great love worth this tension?
Hi Step Mom to Be
I agree with many of the comments and advice that Paranoid offered! I too have been in the situation where Dad is very defensive of his kids and it actually led us to the brink of ending our marriage. I must say that I didn't handle things as well as I could have (hind sight is always 20-20)! However, make no mistake, when kids are involved...young or old, they are always part of your life. When choosing to marry a man with children, the kids and the ex come as part of the package! The key is in learning how to cope effectively with all of this as a couple! Paranoid is right on when she says that it is up to your BF to set the boundaries. Kids may not always follow the rules but they definitely will not if they don't know what the boundaries are! I firmly believe after all that my husband and I have been through with five kids between the two of us and having gone through the teenage years and now having grandkids, the biggest issues are with the adults in the relationship and working together. The little things that bother you now will only intensify as time goes on...be proactive in working together with your BF through these concerns! Good luck...it is possible to be happy in these situations but it takes lots of work, support and patience!
In answer to your question, is any great love worth the tension?! That is question that would be answered differently by most everyone. For me, love isn't just a feeling, it is a choice....a commitment. There is nothing that is worth experiencing continual tension that has no end in site. However, I really don't believe that there has to be continual tension if two people commit to working together to solve problems to THEIR combined satisfaction.
Comfort and appreciation for/with stepchildren takes time to establish. Be patient with yourself. I have been married for 7 years and I am only just beginning to understand the complexities of step parenting. Unfortunately, I still have more questions than answers but I am feeling better as my husband and I communicate more openly, honestly and less defensively. Again, good luck with finding some clarity for yourself!
OMG, don't make me pee!
I can't stop laughing and smirking and shaking my head, paranoid. I was thinking about writing E. Jean for advice (elle magazine--wit, grit, truth, and lots of hollers---I'm sure you have read her), but d**n, you came right through and one-upped her with flying colors! I can't imagine what you do for a living, but being an advice column writer would be a cakewalk for you!
At 36 (and a year and a half out of a 15 year relationship...you do the math), I have had more tender moments with my new man in 10 months than I have in a LIFETIME (albeit a short lifetime). I am smitten, and am in DEEP. But not nearly as deep as those with rings on their fingers, which, as I have mentioned, is why I am here!!
I suppose that things get confusing when I contemplate that this man is more financially successful than most (ok, more so than perhaps the median), and has offered to sell his home to put towards ownership in mine so that things feel a little more balanced (he would own about 30% or so, technically. He is latin (with a macho ego to boot) and feels pretty emasculated by the situation, but don't get me wrong...I'm not shedding any tears for him over that. The truth is that he now lives in one of the most exclusive neighborhoods on the west coast and amuses his friends and daughters in his (my) new digs.
As for his contribution...well, I'm waiting. He left the mother of his girls to be with me and has been paying support, renting his house and getting his s*** worked out (again, cry me a river, right??) over the course of the year. I know that he is a dreamer, and I have refused the chunk of cash which would come from the sale of his home b/c quite honestly I simply don't need the real estate entanglement (its a lot of money, and his offer is sincere, but as my financial guys said: 'you don't need these problems. You own your home. You are not in debt. Why complicate things'?) Instead, I gave him what would amount to a monthly rent. Now that he has finally rented his house out, I am waiting to see him pay it! These are some pretty telling months ahead...
So, there's always more to it, right? As I have said, I am no saint. I'm also trying not to be a fool! I am cynical and naive at once, and I would be with him forever were it not for the SD issue rearing its very pronounced head. Its one of those make or break issues, though my heart really would break.
So again, THANK YOU for being such a fabulous source of strength and wisdom. After two vaginal (can I say that here? I think so) births, I must admit that I need to find the mini-pads before I read your posts, lest my laughter make me surrender, as it were. You are a gem.
Best,
SM2B??
(actually, I wanted to add a question mark or two after my username but the system wouldn't stand for it. Go figure).
ps-I am tempted to marry the guy if only to hang out with you guys on this cool site...LOL (and just kidding)...maybe I could use the username SMthatwasn't
maybe i am sane after all.
what a godsend (agnostic leanings aside) this site is!
thx, paranoid...and BTW, why so paranoid?
More later, but in the meantime, this is the first time that I have let cyberspace really cut to the chase. After all of you guys support, there's no turning back!
THANKS and goodnight...
Be the commander at your
Be the commander at your house. Since you can't avoid the fact that these stepkids will never disappear from your life...you'll have to deal w/them as long as you are with this man I mean, set the rules in the house now before they think they are the boss. Set them and tell them the rules, break them and what are the consequences. It will take time for them to adjust but they'll follow. This is the only way you can be at peace in your own home. It's obvious that they do not have discpline at their mother's house, cause if they did they wouldn't be calling your BF/Husband a butthead. Goodluck and let us know the status.
-happy mom
thanks guys
i just found out that his girls slept in MY BED with him while i have been out of town. i wanted to puke, and told him NEVER AGAIN!
I am thinking of changing my username to 'evil sm'!!
If you change your to that..
I will change mine to evil witch.. Lol
I am not sure what the answer is for any of us on this web site. Because it sure does not seem that things change on the home front.. BUt this is good therapy.. I truly love this site.. I think this is the best thing we can do is just vent..
I say RUN LIKE HELL.. He has to understand.. How can he not see it.. There is no way I would let my kids talk to there dad that way.. And I think he is an ass. But if they did and I was standing there trust me I would be all over them.. Its respect..
The sad thing is I am 31 and some of these ex's are older then me and I think they have alot of influence on there kids.. There mom is probably bad mouthing him in front of them.. Which is so sad.. I hope you work thru this.. Ask him, do you love me? When he replies then say good things have to change around here or its not going ot work. The end result is why should you have to be gone form your home when his kids are there.. And how long can you keep that up.. As a matter of fact its your home.. When they come next as soon as they get there call a family meeting and be stern in what you will tolerate and what you will not.. They need to know that you are done with the dis-respect and that you mean business. And as far as I can see he needs to know this too..
happy, paranoid, lovin, hopeful & the gang...
I turned off the cellphone tonight (I'm still out of town) and avoided BF's calls today because I just don't want to hear about what a 'beautiful time he is having with the girls'...all the while, they are whining 'daddddyyyyy' in the background! I just have to listen to every idealized detail about their day together and how HAPPY they ar eto be with their daddy...its like a fantasy... Yuck...it just irritates the hell out of me!
The truth is, I still get the butterflies when the phone rings and his name comes up, and I'll look for his e-mails when I sign off of this site tonight...I am pretty crazy for him : )
You have all been tremendously supportive and have offered much strength to me as I navigate these ugly new 'step' feelings. I guess that in the end, I'm not really sure what to say to him about all of this.
I have a few ideas about what to tell him:
1. Your body language changes around me when the girls are around. I feel unloved and invisible. If you are going to mall them 'mi amore', then please find a new lovey-dovey nick-name for me, because having him call the the same term of endearment makes me feel a little, well, wierd! (am I crazy??)
2. I can't stand listening to your girls whine and for the older one to roll her eyes every time either one of us opens our mouths. SD10 raises her voice to you and calls you names under her breath. When this happens in the future, I will plan to remove myself from their presence and for you to step in and take control of the situation until things change. Further, I will not allow my kids to be exposed to this kind of bratty crap. My kids are very disciplined, and I plan to keep things that way (they happen to feel safe knowing their boundaries, as all of us do, right?!)
---I realize that my 3 year old (he'll be 4 in a few days) has tantrums and can be impossible in his stubborness, and I love this man deeply for tolerating his attitude when it rears its ugly head (BF has even gone so far as to take them off to play so that I can have a break when I am pissed and bugged out with my own kids), but he is still in a booster seat...your daughter more than twice his age (10)!! And I take a VERY strong stance when it comes to discipline with my boys--they fall in line, believe me!---
3. You speak of having loving role models for your girls at last (us), but you must notice that I spend as much time as possible avoiding having all of the kids together (I don't want my children to emulate your older daughter's behaviour), and am often out of the house or out of town during their visits. I will continue to do so until I am treated with respect by ALL of you.
(guys...could you help me define respect for a foreign man with different cultaral norms??...in other words, as a latin guy (or maybe just simply as a guy??), he seems to think that kids don't require entertainment for the most part, but that they should go off and play or just watch a movie they rented together at blockbuster. Maybe an occasional visit to the park, the movies or the science center. I would say that he provides 2-3 hours of actual genuine interaction with them per weekend day (and the days are LONG...as you all know). Does this seem ok? b/c my Ex (a$$ that he is and was to me) has now learned to cherish his time with his kids (alternating weekends) and has a million things planned to keep them happy and entertained (for this I am grateful).
4. I will not feel a sense of fairness untill you start contributing your financial share to the household. (He limits his contribution to groceries and stuff realated to the girls for the most part, and has only now just rented out his house...so we are inbetween...and I am getting resentful. As for now, I feel that I am a bed and breakfast establishment with two very demanding guests.
5. When they visit, I am not in charge of entertaining them. They are there to spend time with YOU! I will be happy to join up for a meal or two if the older one manages to be polite to me. Hopefully in time we will forge some kind of family unit, but for now, I feel like I am sitting across from two even less mature versions of your ex!! (ok, i'll have to tone that one down a bit, no?)
6. I need a basic schedule to work with so that we can plan for time alone together, time with the girls, boys, etc... (he is a freelancer, and that makes things tough when last-minute jobs come up)...but I have a life and two kids and a household to run, so please pick alternating weekends for the next 6-8 weeks so that I can plan my life (over the summer they might come on a wednesday instead of a friday...SURPRISE!...and stay till...well, ??? So, now that school is in session, let's get on a schedule and do our best to stick with it. (he hates to plan things, and can hardly commit to dinner the morning of). Guys...how far in advance do you plan if you have regular alternatings?
Now here's a really tough one--I really don't want the girls in my bedroom. They have their own guestroom suite and a playroom w/ a big screen, air hocky and an arcade game to play and hang out in, not to mention a backyard year round (Los Angeles). But I can't reasonably ask this of him if my little guys (who are with me 80% of the time) are able to come into my (our) room and hang out, can I?? Oh my god, what a b**** I must sound like : ( I DO make sure that the boys aren't lounging around our room in the evenings so that he can watch the news and chill, so I am cognizant of his need for space, so this one is a bit of a dilemma---help!! (he does have his own private office downstairs and 'away from it all'...
Here's the thing that scares me: he had been extremely independent for his entire adolecsent and adult life (he's pushing 50) and is not about to just take my hissy fits and rules and cow down to me. He feels that he made the ultimate sacrifice by moving out of the house where his angels lived. He doesn't like to plan things, and as for discipline, he always says 'they're just kids...don't pay attention to every word or you'll go crazy', and can't understand why I wouldn't think that having everyone together is IDEAL. I have decided that he is living in his own little fantasy land, and has for years!
In the last year, he has left their mother, thus seeing his 'angels' on such a limited time basis (to be with me), sold his furniture, rented his house and moved into mine. The ex girlfriend is PISSED (he wouldn't marry her, despite pregnancy, pleading, etc) and wishes that they could all 'live as a family again.' (He thinks that she is a snake). He took his time telling his daughters about me (actually, I allowed the word 'girlfriend' out about 7 months into our relationship during a conversation with another girl who asked me if he was my BF while in the presence of his younger daughter). Wow did they seem relieved to know the truth once and for all (did they really think that daddy lived in his 'friend's' house at 7 and 10 years old? Not a chance)...
So I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm still in the early stages of this relationship and can't really issue threats and such at this point...I have to be SMART about this!!
Ladies?!
Please HELP...and where's Candace on all of this (I wish that I could get her advice)!!
THANK YOU!!
Hi SM2B
I hear everything you are saying..
I want you to listen and please do not get offended by what I say because I am just looking thru this window in..
I think that yes a lot of the problem is his girls and how they act. By issolating yourself away form them will #1. not get you beyond the point you are at. #2. you need to show these girls that you care. I think a lot of what they do is just to push to see what there boundaries are.. And since no one is stopping them they have no clue where there boundaries are.. IF you are going to be married to this man you need to play a very active roll with them. Maybe spend some time getting to know them and as well the same time you are getting to know them they are or will be getting to know you. The 7 year old is still very impressionable.. The 10 year old well she is a little different. I have a almost 10 year old. And she loves her bio dad who is recently in a relationship, its hard for her. She told me just last weekend that she does not like this girl. Now I have known this woman since I was like 7 so I am comfortable with her with my kids. The reason my little girl is having a hard time is because she feels this lady is taking her dad away from her.. When in reality she is not but she is sharing his time when my ex was totally a dad for the last 6 years.. So for her its a major adjustment. I told my daughter last weekend that her dad will always be her dad and that he loves her so much and just to hang in there. GIve this woman a chance.. ANd the other part was my daughter was and is afraid that this woman will or is trying to replace me.. As I told my daughter you will only have 1 mom for your whole life and that woman is me.. Noone can take my place.. Lets just say I am a unique mom.. Her and I are two peas in a pod.. She is a little mini me.. Almost scary.. Things she does I remember doing myself.
In time I think yor situation will get better.. But you have to really try. And as I said before this is your house.. where you have rules and since they are there too they have to follow them. Your boys will get jealous if they have to adhere to the rules and his girls do not. Sounds to me like they need to get to know you..
I feel this way at times too, when my husband is all like his daughter is this princess and all that I know for a fact that I get jealous and its not like I want to or am proud of it I am human. I want to be the main woman in his life. Does that make sense.. I like you am a high school teenager when he calls and I hear his voice.. I get butter flies and all that as well. I love my hubby too. I just think that we all get a little jealous.. I think that is normal..
Well I hope I kinda helped you maybe even just a little..
Best wishes.. To you..
good points, happy
and I really appreciate your candor. I do feel as if the girls and I are all fighting for his attention, and that he is generally an inattentive man (ADD), so there isn't really much to go around.
If I was his daughter I would feel pretty neglected...I even feel that way as an adult sometimes, but am not a needy child so it doesn't upset me in any profound way!
He has very few boundaries and I just don't know if I can muster up the desire to enforce the rules alone.
It makes me feel so sad to read what must be a simple truth--that I will have to get to know these girls-cause I just simply don't want to. It gives me lots to think about.
In the meantime, they are receiving very ugly messages from their spiteful mother (who really misjudged my BF by getting pregnant and not telling him...hoping that he would marry her and he never did-she was a live-out girlfriend at the time, and they ended up living under one roof for most of the 10 years in an angry, loveless co-existence). Despite her mistakes, she has a lot to be angry about, since she thought that she could have it all, and now has to realize that you don't own anyone, and that your children could end up doing just about anything with anyone and you have NO control over it! --I went through this realization myself when my Ex found a new girlfriend a few months as soon as I told him that I was going to file for divorce. THANK GOD this woman seems shy and sweet and not aggressive...from what I know she is kind to my boys).
In some ways I feel that I am getting the worst of both worlds...of my BF's incoompetence and his daughters' anger. Anyone want to place a wager on how long this one will last?
Thank you again for your firm but kind words. You are a wise and very compassionate guide...
I am with you on the whole
I am with you on the whole thing about SD being in my bed room...That is MY SPACE..AWAY FROM HER..and her constantly grabbing grubby little fingers.
One of my SD's multitudes of annoying traits and behaviors is the "fingering" thing...She CONSTANTLY is fingering, touching, and/or breaking other peoples belongings. And getting her nasty little finger prints all over everything.
So no I don't like her in my room.. It especially annoys the crap out of me when my husband lets her use our personal bathroom..We have three bathrooms in our house so I fail to see that their is EVER a reason her nasty little fanny needs to be upon my toilet...
I think what it is is that our bedroom is our most private room in our homes..For me its my sacturary and it's the last place you want an individual that you don't like, child or no child.
I don't know...It's wierd...but every time she comes into my room I feel a need to sprinkle it with holy water or burn sage to cleanse it again...I don't do those things of course...But it's almost like my space feels contaminated with her engery and presence in it...
thank you so very much
Wow...I am so glad I am not the only woman out there who feels this way! For the past 7 years I have heard "she's only 3,4, 5 etc" or "she is just a kid" and no punishment comes from daddy to his little princess. I (the evil step monster) has to set all the limits and rules in the house and I am the only one strong enough to follow them! (oh - the SD is 10 1/2 and spends the entire summer at my house). What I have noticed lately is that Daddy is making plans away from home without the little princess. It is almost as if he knows that she is becoming her mother and he doesn't want to face it. So...who does that leave her with 90% of the time? ME!
I am so tired of battling with this child on every little issue ("hey, why don't you put on something clean before you leave the house?" SD: "No, cuz it's only gonna get dirty anyway, duh!") <---and he doesn't understand why I get so frazzled with her. Crazy thing is I am expecting our first child together this month!
So - step mom 2B - consider your situation carefully...yes the children probably need lots of attention from you because they are not getting it from him, however, any attention (even negative) is attention. And - remember, acceptance of you sometimes means daddy was right to leave mommy. It is hard for kids to process that dynamic. That thought right there has saved the life of his child several times!!!
The "just a child" myth...
Oh brother..I am with you.. I get so tired of the old "they are just a child" stuff...Many people, anonymous below for instance, make a huge mistake when they grossly under estimate children, their intelligence, in sight, and what they are capable of. They are far smarter then those adults, such as anonymous, give them credit for and it's individual's like anonymous who they walk all over or worse..
Gosh..Eric Harris and Dillion Klabold, (the two responsible for the killings at Columbine High School) were "just children" also...So I guess they couldn't have possibly taken on the characteristics of the characters in the violent video games they played!! And they certianly couldn't have possibly been held even remotly responsible for their actions on that day!!
Those two were the poster children for the "just a child" mistake far to many adult make.
she is TEN!
hello?? she is 10.5 and is "becoming her mother"?? do you realize how crazy that sounds? she is a CHILD. maybe you should act like an ADULT, not like a competitive fellow 4th grader.
Are you saying that it is
Are you saying that it is not possible for her to be duplicating her mother’s behaviors b/c she is 10.5? A CHILD’s strongest influence at that age is their mother…so there is NO DOUBT that whatever traits/characteristics/values etc that the mother has are being duplicated in the child (good and bad)…isn’t that what parenting means?!?! How is that concept hard to grasp? I’m sorry but it appears that you cannot relate to having problems in a stepfamily situation and being that you are on this site, I find it VERY HARD to believe…how did you end up here in the first place? Likely b/c you were looking for support in a tough situation…no one goggles “step families” just for the hell of it! It’s so easy for you to criticize these other women’s stories, let’s hear yours….
Make a GREAT Day!
RE:
That doesn't sound crazy at all to me. Children are very in tune with their parents, for good or for bad. Some children see traits in their parents that they disapprove of, even at such a young age, and choose to shy away from those attributes. Others unconsciously pick up on these behaviors and duplicate them in themselves. It's simple logic...I don't see how it could be hard to understand. If you have young children or step-kids, you definitely are not giving them enough credit.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
potential step daughter?
My boyfreind of almost 2 yrs treats his oldest daughter like his girlfreind.. goes out of his way to keep her happy. When she heard he was talking to me about marriage.. he brought it up, not me. She told my daughter she doesn't ever want her dad to remarry. He caters to her, so she will like him. She refuses to come visit him if she isn't getting her way.. and he usually gives in.. I started mentioning that it didn't seem right.. that he is the parent, and that means your kids don't always like you.. especially when you have to crack down on their behavior.. so he kind of is a little more stern. Like I was going to his house for diner and movies. We had to wait until after 9pm, until the daughter got home from a football game, so she could watch it with him/ us. and then!!!! he leaned over and 'snuggled' with her.. and held my hand!!!
I have insisted that if he wants to get married we will go do pre-marrital counseling- had a few sessions, and then he was supposed to have a session with daughter- it hasn't happened. she has been having 'problems'- first she would pee herself without knowing- meaning to. big to do! several dr. appts. and a minor surgery. and she was told to lose weight- (she looks like an over weight boy- short hair, prefers boy stuff) and eat better. NOW she is super constipated- and soiling herself. in the past, when ever we went anywhere she hardly leaves dads side.. shes 13. his younger daughter is great, and goes and plays. my kids tell me oldest is mean. My BF says she is his sweet little girl.. ugh. she could be, but is coddled by him and her mom,and her moms parents. The more I read to understand what is going on- the more I understand.. and start to think I should run away FAST.. these issues aren't going away any time soon. I've read about emotional incest- which my bf did/does especially before I started dating him- and when we first started dating, I would question why he did stuff. like sleep with them (innocently) when they visit, and have to always have them with us when we would go do something special or fun. never just he and I. He was using his daughter to get his emotional needs met.. and I see that clearly now!!! and now! I think his daughters problem is secondary involuntary encoprecious.. or something like that.. a physical symptom of emotional and psychological issues... like her dad is breaking up with her and barely starting to set a few limits..She isn't having bowel movements is overwieght, has missed 2 weeks of school, and yet she eats macarooni and cheese, and chili????!!! talk about denial about addressing a problem! that was at the bio moms house...
I'm really ready to run!!! fast! he seemed nice and normal mostly, just slowly I've been seeing more and more BIG issues that I dont think I want to marry into!! He's not to fond of my kids.. smart, energetic ADHD kids.. both gifted.. but have lots of energy and I have more of a democratic household.. I'm the president with veto rights.. He is the more 'authoritarian' type, and my noisy wiggly kids bothered him.. mostly they are that way whey they want some attention.. and he wasn't giving them any. at all. my kids have sttled down and are now pretty good around him, respectful, polite.. I remind them to be. not his 'girls'. no good byes when I'm leaving, or they leave. no hi's when we meet.. my Boyfreinds younger daughter is normal. freindly. gets along with my kids and others. not his oldest.. she clings to daddy. I'm giving him until feb. He says after the next appt. with a dr. specialist, 3 hours away, if that dr. agrees that the problem is what I think it is, AND he continues with counseling, and the daughter really goes into intensive counseling.. I MIGHT stay with him.. other then his LACK of parenting skills- he's responsible, nice, loves me, fun, outgoing, moral, decent guy.. I've dated several who were not as decent.. and before this BF the longest I had dated a guy was 4 months, since divorce.. ( I took awhile to start dating again- pregnant, then had a tiny baby, then finished my degree.. then was just struggling to work and take care of 2 small kids.. so FINALLY they are old enough to not need as much of my time and I'm stable in my career.. now I just can't find the right guy, without TO many issues!!!) I guess I just dont know if I should even give it until feb. should I just cut my invested time and try again?
thanks!
Spoiled Princesses
All I have to say is- BARF! Sorry, but my ex DH had not one but 3 spoiled little princesses who could do NO wrong, no matter how evil and rotten they were to me and everyone else. The 17 yo was in modeling school, and DH CONSTANTLY bragged about how stunningly beautiful she was. He kept her picture on his nightstand and tucked mine into the drawer. On the inside, this girl was a fiend. She wished me dead to my face (DH defended her), drank and smoked pot with BM, and was in training to be the town slut. The 16 yo was a very poor student, mouthy, but ALWAYS got her way by cuddling up to daddy on the couch. While I was driving a 12 yo beat up Taurus, he went out and bought her a BRAND NEW 2007 Blazer the day she turned 16. She didn't even have her permit yet! This is the same little witch who took all my pictures not even a week before , tore them up, and told DH she'd never talk to him again as long as he was with me. Then there's the 5 yo. This lil' girl had almost $500 spent on her at Christmas by DH and I alone, tore open all her presents, barely looked at them, then stuck out her lip and whined "That's IT? I hardly got ANYTHING!" This child also can do no wrong. She screams, cries, throws herself to the floor, and gets what she wants every time. She doesn't ask for things, she says "Get me that." She leaves her toys and dirty dishes all over the house, wipes her messy hands on the sofa or the wall, owns the TV the entire weekend she visits, gets special meals made by daddy cause she wont eat what I fix
and I swear, doesn't even have to wipe her own butt! Literally! She 's applauded when she uses the bathroom, and mind you she's been potty trained since 2 1/2. Not to mention my ex DH's only son, The Little Prince. How many 9 yo's do you know who have two dirt bikes, their own laptop computer and cell phone, 9 (yes,9) different video game systems, a $40 a week allowance (and no chores), and make their own schedule. (Sorry, can't go to grampa's with you guys, I'm spending the weekend at Josh's)? Just a bit extreme, and not something I was willing to tolerate any longer, especially when they all treated me like an interloper, showed no respect, and DH still kissed their A***S. Not their fault, I know. Their parents made them that way. but it also wasn't my fault, I had no power to do anything about it, and I'm SO much better off without the BS. Much as I loved my DH, I wasn't putting up with the disrespect in my own home any longer. (Youngest 2 lived with us, older two were over whenever they wanted something, usually 3-4 times a week). I hope I've made someone feel a whole lot better!
Randee
You Deserve A Medal
I can't fathom that you lasted that long Randee! And I'm glad to hear this twit is an ex. I had one of those too, why I got a chuckle out of your story. I was walked on and spit out by bf, his no good kids, his ex's and his family. Actually I knew a year before I was getting rid of this creep and being 34 I knew I wanted to have a child. Had no problem with that, and BF, creepy kids and his creepy family were soo pissed I can't even tell you. I loved the fact he had to pay me damn good support and I wouldn't have to cook for him or his crappy kids! The rest I'd have to email you (lol), but years later it was the best decision I could have made!
Been A Stepmother for 15 Years
Stay strong. Don't put up with any crap. HE has to stop spoiling them or you will always be the bad guy. My family, including my husband, the BM and me managed to raise a spoiled 17 year old entitled princess (don't even get me started on the $700 Versace bathingsuit when she was 15!, the new BMW and the fancy private school where she has "unexplained absences"). If I knew then what I knew now, I would have put my foot down years ago.
My husband, too was a "you are the most beautiful girl" offender. Of course, the girl now has inherent low self-esteem because it was all wrapped up in an idea of physical beauty as opposed to what contribution she makes to herself, her family or society or whatever other barometers make for a healthy young girl. It was sort of gross, but I was so young at the time (23) that I did not tell him how disgusting his little coo-coo's were to the girl. Now, I know that those kinds of comments devalue the child's inner beauty and that I would have asked him instead to compliment how "strong, brave, patient or giving" she was in order to foster apppreciation for those kinds of qualities.
Stop it right away before your train runs out of control!!
LOL...Man did I enjoy this
LOL...Man did I enjoy this post...(Gag)..Yes I do deal with this...It's nausating..What's more nauseating is that it isn't just my DH but his entire family worships the ground my step daughter (aka, the golden child, the step brat, or MY HELL) like she is God incarnate in the flesh...
Her dad isn't near as bad as he used to be when it comes to this. After a few years of catching his little dumpling in the act he isn't so "starry eyed" anymore. Now the problem is that he constantly has to "feel sorry" for her. If their is no reason, he will invent something. And of course, she plays right into it and manipulates her dad with sympathy trips...
When DH and I met and started dating the whole "princess" things was so bad that SD actually thought she really was a "princess"...Everything in her room was done up Barbie Princess..(thanks to her nana and Dh's brothers wife) .Her room was a shrine unto Barbie.. (Yuk)...And she was actually addressed as "princess michelle" it was disgusting..
It took me a few years to dethrone princess My Hell and she has gotten better. But she still thinks that everyone on the world should give her "differential treatment" and gush all over her every time they are in her royal presence...
Thanks for this post....I laughed when I saw the title of it...I couldn't imagine having to deal with it with "two pricesses"...
These Are Funny Posts
Gosh some of these just crack me up. I thought it was bad enough when they visit but I would absolutely refuse to let them live with me. If they weren't parented right or disciplined then I feel that they can stay with the bm and that family, and reap what they've sown.
Step mom to be, those kids will be grown and it does get better but you need to establish the rules right now. Make it clear they are guests in the home and above all do not leave. Be a constant presence and don't make it so inviting for them to come over. My dh's horrible kids didn't like it when I turned their room into the guest room and rearranged the furniture. Too bad, they had their own room at big bad bm's. Right now I would let them know when they visit dad your part of that deal, where he goes you go so leaving is a big mistake. They probably love the fact you leave so do the opposite and you'll see a change. Good Luck
Kids come before relationship
I have been involved with a man that is a helicopter parent to his son and daughter. The daughter is spoiled, 23, and gets whatever she wants from Daddy. The son has a little more sense and has tried to distance himself from his Dad. He wants to get married, and I have explained to him that I will not be in a marriage where the relationship comes after the kids. Marriages are hard enough when there are step children involved. Any suggestions???
My 17 year old step daughter
My 17 year old step daughter steals money from my wallet. My wife is powerless. The shrink told me to tell her someone has been stealing in the house and to guard her stuff,and I will be too... thus telling her the candy shop is closed but I know without accusing. I feel this approach is passive and I want to yell and scream, but this I know will backfire with her lying cause I have no proof. Any advise? Any
Should I walk away????????
My fiance buys his 14 yr old daughter everything he buys me...i.e If he buys me perfume, he'll buy her the exact same perfume. I got a gym membership, he bought her a gym membership. I was in between jobs for 5 weeks and he arranged for me to have cable tv, she pouted so he arranged for her to have it in her room at her mom's house.
He also buys and pays for all her cell phones (she's had 3 in a year) cell phone calls, internet, private school, clothing, tans, her friend's birthday gifts, taxi fares and has even given her a debit card with full access to his bank account. He's also promised her a brand new vehicle when she turns 16.
I have put the wedding on hold because I don't feel that I will be able to put up with him spending all his money on her when I want to have a child of my own and build a life/future for our child. At the moment, everything he has is willed to her and his ex-wife!!??
I have to say that his daughter is awesome, we get along great and I adore her. I know it's not her fault and her father is also an amazing man. He just can't say no to her and I don't feel it's my place to ask him to cut back.
My fiance has not been in a relationship for 6 years before meeting me and has always spoiled and focused all his attention/money on her.
I have told my fiance that I need time to assess whether or not I want or can handle this situation. He is the first to admit that he spoils her rotten and has done that because he feels guilty for leaving her at a young age and doesn't want to change anything.
I guess my question is, does anyone think it'll get better or should I just walk away? I leaning towards walking away...
Daughter ignored "dad" at her wedding
My husband raised a daughter (found out later not his daughter). But continued to raise her in our home, not the natural mother's home. So we raised her from age 11 to 18, she is now 28. Anyway, she got married last weekend and her mother was tops. And when they announced the parents of "Susan", it was her mother and step father of 5 years (2nd step father) whose names were announced. Not the man who raised her all of her life even knowing she was not his daughter since she was 11 years old.
My husband was not recognized in any way at the wedding. He was treated like an total stranger and was not visited by the daughter at anytime during the wedding.
Because he mother helped pay for part of the wedding while on Social Security (from my husband-even tho she has been married 2 more times). And she works but still on SSI. Get the drift? Because ex paid for part of wedding; my husband who raised her through braces, injuries, court battles, school, prom dresses, sickness, and all. Not the man who stood up to the plate all along.
I was mortified. I could see the total hurt in his body. I could not believe it.
any suggestions on this ?
thanks
stepdaughter
I am with a man who has a sixteen year old daughter. At first she didn't want to meet me and David respected that. Now we live together and she comes to visit on Thursdays and every other weekend. David has been a very loving father and responsible which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. THe problem is his daughter is unreachable, I have done everything I can think of I have bought books read books in order to share conversation, given extra money for allowance at mothers day. I have kissed up and its a crap shoot whether or not she will even speak. or if I have something to say she challenges me. ITs too the pooint for me that when she is around I go to our room and read or go out to avoid having interaction with her. Needless to say its pretty uncomfortable here. I do not want to be her mother but I would like to be her friend. but this has been going on for 6 months. I thought it might improve but it isn't. I have thought about confronting her about my feelings but I am afraid I may get really angry which will not do anyone any good. I don't want to put David in the middle cause he loves us both. I just don't like being frozen out. I don't know if its a fierce loyalty to her mother. (she and david have been divorced for 7 years) DOes anyone have any advice on how to deal with this situation.
Thanks Carol
Bloody hell, it must be
Bloody hell, it must be contagious!. My hubby used to do the same pathetic "my girls, my girls" routine. All I can say is good luck and hope they grow up and butt out of your life fast.
"Dispute not with her, she is a lunatic."
Same boat
In many ways we are in the same boat. I am preparing to move in with my bf and planning to be married. We have 7 children between us, my three are ages 13, 11, and 6 and his are 24, 20, 18 and 13. So really the only one we are dealing with are my three and his 13 year old. The other three are older and on their own or in college. He has been divorced for almost 4 years, I have been seperated close to a year and divorce was only final in July.
His 13 year old has been his princess, had all his time and money since the divorce since the other girls never really came around, we got along in the beginning but I think when she saw I wasnt going away she started resenting me, I have tried with her, but she has basically told my bf that she is jealous of me and afraid that he will not spend all his money and time with her anymore, which in the past year, she hasnt wanted to spend as much time with him anyways, only coming around when she wanted something or to go shopping, and when she does come over always wants to have a friend over or go to a friends, so really isnt spending one on one time with him anyways. I have tried to give them whatever time alone they need, as my kids need that with me also, but now that we are planning to move in, she is very jealous. When she doesnt like him sitting by me or spending time at all with me, anytime he is trying to talk to me she will hollar at him that she needs him right now and he goes in to see what she needs. He is starting to see that she is controlling him, but he wants to make her happy so bad that he has a very hard time telling her no. I am scared about how my kids will take things, they have rules and I expect them to abide by them, its not fair if they have rules that his daughter doesnt have my oldest and his youngest are good friends, they knew each other before we ever met. Those of you that havent dealt with this kind of stress dont understand, its easy to say the kids are always innocent and they are hurt, and its true, they do get hurt thru divorce, but they also get smart in manipulating and getting their way thru it all. How do you cope and deal?
I would RUN; there is no way
I would RUN; there is no way anything is going to change. Just wait until you have no where to go and you actually live there too. I would cut my lose now and find someone else
Step Mom to Be: I wish I had
Step Mom to Be:
I wish I had an easy fix for you, but after living the last 10 years of my life with two step-daughters I can't stand, I can only say that you must be sure you love this man enough to put up with the grief that goes along with having his children in your home. You cannot escape the influence they will have on your children; your children will see how his are coddled and allowed to misbehave and will end up resenting house rules. If you're spending all your time stressed out because of his children, your children will sense your anxiety and feel that they must somehow make up for the way you are feeling. Children bear the burden of their parents' decisions. I hate to think that you may forego being with the love of your life, but he seems to have an unhealthy attachment to his girls. It's sickening for me to watch my husband hug and kiss on his daughters, play with their hair and call them "baby" constantly when he ignores me and my kids. When his daughters visit they don't talk to us, help around the house, or add anthing positive to our home life ~ they simply suck the life out of everything for me. Never a weekend goes by when they're in our home that my husband and I don't fight or at the very least, get annoyed with each other over his kids. I relish the few times a year when they stay at their mother's house and I don't have to see them. But, then I have to hear my husband whine about how much he misses his "little sweethearts" (ugh!). I have two children of my own who have suffered greatly because of my husband and his snotty girls. If I had it to do all over again, I would never have married him. It would have been better for me to be alone during the time my kids were growing up and get married after they left home than to subject them to my husband's favortism of his daughters. Seeing how my husband could turn from being a loving, kind person to a total jerk to me and my kids, simply because he wanted his daughters to get all the attention and I wouldn't allow it, has completely destroyed the way I feel about my husband. I can no longer stand him either. When he touches me I pull away because the thought of him running his fingers through his daughter's hair only a few minutes ago and then trying to touch me, makes me sick! So, I guess I'm saying that you should really, really weigh the pros and cons of this marriage before you commit to it. Put your emotions/feelings aside for a few minutes and look at it from a practical standpoint and what you and your children will lose/gain as a result of your union with this man. Trust me, if there are problems now, there will be problems later and the problems will be worse once you have combined your households/finances/everything!! Best of luck to you.
I really like it whenever
I really like it whenever people get together and share ideas. Great site, keep it up!
Katelyn Packingham
Senior Consulant
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I really like it whenever
I really like it whenever people get together and share ideas. Great site, keep it up!
Katelyn Packingham
Senior Consulant
seo packages
Same
My 8 year old skid is just like that. She's my DH's little princess/mini wife. When she descends on the house, our son and I are treated like second class citizens in our own home while she has the red carpet rolled out for her. She is a conceited, obnoxious, lazy, manipulative, disgusting, lying fucking brat. She always has to be star of the show or she makes trouble for everyone. Everyone has to be looking at her and she has to be subject of conversation or she's not happy. She deliberately wedges herself between us on the sofa and snuggles right up to my husband while pushing my son and I away. She can't stand for my baby to have any time with his father. She sees my husband as hers and hers alone and she is so possessive of him and his time. I wish she'd just fuck off and not come back. She behaves so badly all the time with a disgusting teenage-like attitude, while simultaneously acting like a helpless 4 year old (with the mental age to match). And I'm just expected to put up and shut up while that feral brat disrespects us, trashes the house and generally rules the roost, exhibiting behaviours that are unacceptable for a child half her age! She can't do basic things that a child her age is easily capable of either. She's so fucking stupid yet she thinks she's a genius and knows better than everyone else. My husband needs to fucking grow a pair and discipline his spawn! She needs to come off that pedestal she's been put on, and fast, otherwise she's going to be in for a nasty shock when she grows up and sees that she's not the centre of everything after all. And what's worse is that's the kind of example my son is going to have set for him growing up. Not on my watch! I'm not having my son grow up to be such a little shit.