Is it too soon to do it again?
So I finally met the daughter two weeks ago. It was awful when we picked her up on Friday but I think we got some issues out of the way. We had a good time that Saturday playing golf and laser tag. We only spent the day together. Every since that weekend she has answered every call, been sweet on the phone to BF and even called him to ask him to come watch her sing at a function she had previously lied about to him. When asked why she lied, she said that her BM didn't tell him so she didn't think she should. But with that said, I think I may have gotten through to the mom about not saying bad things about the BF to the child.
When she calls she asks if I am there. He'll say yes and that's it. But the SD has been better so it's okay. We are thinking that maybe the BM has broken up with her boyfriend because SD has started asking more about me now whereas she had let it go when BM starting dating. Oh and the BM has been asking BF strange questions again like why did we get divorced, etc.
Sorry I'm rambling on! My question is if it's okay to do it again this weekend (he gets SD every other)? Should we keep it going or give her a break so she doesn't feel overwhelmed? We thought about just going to a baseball game saturday. Any ideas?
Best to just chill
Sounds like this girl has a lot of input from the BM. She may feel confused about her loyalties and it is early days.
I've found it is always been best to let the skids come to you rather than pursue them or try too hard. Just try not to be too self conscious or like you are trying to prove yourself. Be as natural as you can and make her feel welcome and comfortable around you.
The more you can relax, the more she should be able to relax too. It is also useful to give BF and her some alone time so that you are not 'in her space' too much. Again just make this natural. Maybe go and see a friend for coffee, visit the mall or pursue a hobby. You can even spend a bit of alone time in the house to give them some quiet time alone.
The trick is to integrate her into your relationship slowly so that it feels natural and she is more likely to accept it easily.
Good luck.
Thank you! I definitely
Thank you! I definitely agree that we should take things slow. She also doesn't have to worry about me being around constantly because right now BF and me live over an hour away from each other (not married yet). So whatever we do, it will be planned and she will know about it in advance so she can have input. But now she has the flu so we aren't going to stress her this weekend. I know she feels awful.
Oh and the BM has too much input! I really believe SD is struggling with loyalty issues towards BM. She was a daddy's little girl before the divorce and now won't leave BM's side.
Thanks again!
Turned by the BM
Heard and seen it all before! Same old story. . .
Just take it as it comes it is a long road. It is much easier if you don't live together.
Glad to be of help! Thing is you can do all that (and believe me I have) and it can all be undone by a bitter BM so tread carefully.
All the best though and keep smiling!
Enjoy it.
It was one year before I finally met the 16 y.o. Bm gave every excuse in the book. Saying things to BF like, she hate you for leaving, she doesn't want to be around your bitch, she needs space, She doesn't want to talk to you on the phone, ect...
Well for X-mas, she came over to the house. By the next morning, this kid apologized to me for call me names. She told me she believed what her Mother said about me.
Since that visit, she has stayed over night at least 8 times. She talks with her Dad daily. It's wonderful, but can be hard. BM is stilling trying to throw wedges in when she can.
I say if that girl wants to see her Father and you, don't stop it. If she needs a break, she will tell you.
Enjoy it, but don't push it.
Best wishes. Jo
So great to hear a success
So great to hear a success story! Thank you. I'm hoping that SD will begin to like to be around me soon.
What does SD want?
If she wants to visit, then by all means visit! That's great that it went well and that she seems receptive. It won't always be sunshine and roses, so enjoy it while you have it and make as much progress as you can building the relationship whenever you get the opportunity. I wouldn't overdo it with activities... enjoy some down time, just hanging out, watching movies, talking, playing games. Every other weekend doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be) a visit to Disney. What she will take away from it will be the time spent with her, not the event. It's great to hear a positive experience!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
i agree
with anne and jo here. And I am happy to hear things are still going well. Visits to Dad's should include you, but they do not need to be an adventure everytime. You will only set yourself up for future grief....if sd thinks dad's place is always going to be a trip somewhere then she will be disappointed in the weekend of staying home, and bm will use that against you. But you withdrawing from the picture during the visit will confuse the little girl, and once again give more fuel for bm's fire. As I like to say, enjoy your happy plane ride with rip cord to your parachute in hand. I would go for it...another visit with bf and sd and see how it goes, the last one went well so maybe the future ones will get even better, why stop now?