Is this typical 8yo behavior or stepism??
Ever since we got full custody of SD8, we have had issues that we are trying to correct on her behavior. We have talked ourselves blue regarding lying, stealing, and attitude, however she'll change for a week until the dust settles and start right back up again. Here is a sneak peek of the issues we address with her:
Taking a bath/shower, she didn't want to do it. We make her take one everyday. However now, she just turns the water on and look at herself in the mirror and lies about taking one.
Wiping her butt when using the bathroom. Seems kind of common sense, we found out last week that she resulted into not doing this at all. She claims that it is nasty. She doesn't to it when she does a number 1 or a number 2. And gets mad when we say something.
On top of that she doesn't flush the toilet. Now I've reserted to reminding her while changing my 5 mo old how to pee, when to pee and when to flush the toilet. If you ask me that is a damn shame. My BD will be potty trained before her.
We found out last year that she hadn't been eating her cold lunch and eating other's lunches, she lied about it. On top of that she stole the "hot lunch code" and was using it to get hot lunches and throwing the lunches that we got her away. We don't do hot lunch for a reason, it isn't a monetary thing, its a health thing.
Recently, just yesterday DH did a normal random check through her backpack and found 8 old lunches, some of them all molded and stinky. She is still lying about eating her lunch. She claims she goes to hot lumch and eat other people's lunch.
Also, she's been keeping her detention slips away from us. She knows she got in trouble and they want the parents to sign a slip - she doesn't give it too us.
On top of this her teacher says that she pulls many "suprises" in class. Her work ethic is off, and she lacks a caring attitude.
SO.........
Again, we don't know what to do. Even God isn't doing anything as she complains about going to church.
Have any of you had a young SD that lies and does it follow them until when they are older?
Is her behavior a result of being a SD or disadvantaged foundation or a typical 8yo?
Whoa, definitely not a
Whoa, definitely not a typical 8 year old! Except for the picky eating, thats definitely normal. But what is a hot vs. cold lunch? Whats unhealthy about a hot lunch?
Hot vs cold lunch
A hot lunch would typically be the lunch served at school. It can be unhealthy because of the types of cheap foods that they serve. A lot of processed, salted, oily crap. The schools are getting etter down here and trying to provide healthy options though. Shaquille Oneal got involved with a program to serve healthier lunches and to get kids healthier because of the obesity epidemic. I think now all schools have the salad bar even the lower schools (elementary, middle). The salad bar option used to be only in H.S. Fresh fruit has always been a choice as well. So they have revamped the menus and even had the chef Tyler Florence reviewing the menu for nutritional value and working on ways to serve good, nutritious, healthy and flavorful options in the schools, but still keeping the cost low.
A cold lunch is just that brown baggin it. Even when we started using the thermos I eventually had to start making homemade mac and beef, chicken noodle soup, spaghetti and so forth because the canned versions are full of sodium. That way with homemade, I could control what went into it. So, I would always make extra when making these dishes for dinner so that the option was there for lunch on a day that they chose to take lunch.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Nao
I think part of it stems from the poor foundation that she reeived at BMs. You may need to get her to speak with someone. THe lying and manipulation is a learned behavior and it is going to be difficult, but you guys have to unlearn the bad ones and reintroduce good ones.
Lunch - This is how we handled hot lunches. Our situation was a little different because one was too lazy to make her own lunch, would remove everything that I took the time to make and re-do her lunch, so I stopped doing it and required that she do it and stop wasting my time. It lost its appeal after that. The other preferred to take lunch. We initially started out with cold lunches. We eventually got to where we would heat up spaghettios or soup and put it in a thermos and it actually kept and was still warm when lunch rolled around. So, SS preferred this method. We would get the lunch schedule in advance and know what was being served on which day. They got to choose two days of school lunch and had to carry on three. For the same reason, not a monetary thing, but a health thing. Even with the carry, they got to choose a piece of fruit and a snack item (chips or cookie). This actually worked great and SS is now in 6th grade and still follows that regimen. He doesn't care that no one else is carrying a lunch. This is good for us because he is also a picky eater and would go without if it were something that he didn't like. So, I would try a compromise on lunch with a mixture of carry and school days.
Hygiene - I would hate to be inconvenienced, but I would go back to treating her like a toddler. You have to stand watch on a toddler (3-4 y.o.) and I would do the same with her. I think she would eventually get embarrassed or tired of the intrusion by you that she would get the hang of it. It sounds as if BM always did it for her. Stand firm as to what you expect from her with this.
School - The parent sign a slip is an easy one. I have all of my kids teacher's email address. Most teachers prefer to be contacted via email, because it is easier, it keeps a record and they check their email regularly anyways. At least for me, all of the teachers (and mine are MS now) prefer email as the main line of contact. So check with the teacher as to what works best for her. This way, you can pop a note to the teacher daily or at the end of the week to follow-up in the event something is missed. This way, you no longer make her responsible for informing you. You sidestep her and she can not intercept emails. It sounds as though it is going to take a concerted effort by you, DH and the teacher and any other adults in SD life to make her accountable and responsible. Sounds as if she has been babied and expects that from everyone. I would gear her up for bootcamp, my bootcamp. She would be a perfect little angel by the time I'm done.
When my skids came to live with us they were very sweet kids, but SD7 was very manipulative. It wasn't her fault, she just learned the behavior from the one adult who should have been teaching otherwise, her CP. We fought and things went in waves from good to bad to worse to bad to good. SD is now 13 and is a very likeable and respectful young lady. SHe had issues with hygeine around that age as well. Even went through a period of not wanting to take baths. We managed to get it all under control and the beauty is that you can too. It will be exhausting, you will want to quit, you will have days when you can't stand the sight of her, you will have days that you want out of the marriage BUT when you have suffered and fought long and hard and when the battle is won, you will be so glad that you hung in there. I think so many people give up at the first sign of struggle or they give in too soon when the break through is just up ahead. The reality is that oftentimes it doesn't feel that way and sometimes it just won't be. I really think that this is all just a result of poor parenting on BMs part and you guys are getting the brunt of it now that she is living with you. I think it would be the same thing if she were still with BM, but the difference is that BM probably didn't care so that it wasn't a big deal.
Good Luck.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
BTW
Set up a rewards and consequence system with house rules and behaviors at home. Post it so that everyone can see it, especially SD. I know that it often sounds corny but I promise you that it works. Kids like being acknowledged and praised more than they do being admonished for poor behaviors. THe reward/consequence system reinforces this principle.
I would start out with the reward being provided if she displayed good behavior in school for three days. It doesn't have to be consecutive, it just needs to be out of a 5 day week. Once she gets the hang of it, increase it to 4 days and then 5. Before you know it she will be displaying more of the positive behaviors than the negative.
Just make the rewards fair, fun and interesting and make the consequences fair also. I would not put scrubbing the toilet with a toothbrush as a punishment. I may put loss of TV or computer time as a consequence. I think you get the idea.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
typical with a twist
I agree alot with what Principlist has to say. We just got custody of my 9 year old step daughter and there are a few hygene issues with her as well. Flushing the toilet sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't, when she forgets I remind her.
The shower thing we have her have a shower every second night or everynight depending. She doesn't like it and sometimes will whine about it, but we don't give her the choice. After a shower we sometimes check to make sure her hair smells like shampoo or that the face cloth was used. When I check I do it right in front of her so she knows that I am checking and that if it isn't done right, she will be doing it again. Brushing her teeth when we first got her it was again something she did sometimes and she would lye about doing it. However after being consistent with checking such as having her breath on me or check the tooth brush she is slowing getting the idea that I am going to check regardless of what she says so she might as well do it.
I could keep going on with lists, but what I found to have worked is being consistent, not giving her a choice but just telling her what is needed and not requiring any comments or questions from her. Also when she started doing the basics with out being told or asked, she would ask if I was proud of her. Of course I said yes and praised her. Also we are starting a chore chart that not only has chores, but also basic hygene care and homework that she can get points for and then a reward, usually an allowance.
So far things are going good but we are still in the honeymoon fase. I am waiting till she is comfortable enought in her new home to really start to be a problem.
My SS 8
still has to be reminded to flush the toilet. Now he wipes but does a poor job as he is the most unfelxible person next to his dad that I know and cannot get his hand back there. As far as showers either H or myself check him before he gets out to make sure he is clean. Not that SS would purposely leave self dirty but just being a kid wanna hurry up and go on. We have a coin jar system and SS gets coins for doing things and when he reaches 200 coins he gets a prize/toy/gift whatever you want to call it in the amount of $30. It takes him about 2 months to get the coins. Part of his coins come from showers in the means of get in there take the shower, wash good, hang the towel up, brush teeth and put on deoderant. It has helped us enourmously with the showering and getting it done and not just standing. We count the shower off 2 like by the time I count to 100 or something depending if it morning or evening shower. Now the old lunches in the backpack..either myself or H goes completely through his backpack each time he is with us. The only advice there is go through the backpack daily. We do not have hot lunch cold lunch deal at SS school so do not know what to do there. As far as notes from school get in contact with teachers. H speaks with SS teacher regularly just to keep tabs on things.
Said it once and will say it again being a step-parent is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Well...
Crayon - We can't afford counseling, unless it is the school counseling, which he is very busy at the current moment to meet with her on a regular basis.
Melis070179 - Everyone in the house just takes a cold lunch, it is easier. We are against processed foods, and try to do lunches as naturally as possible.
Principalist – Thanks for your comments. We’re working on trying to get her to talk with someone. I agree that this maybe from her foundation issues with being pulled from place to place with no formal training for over 5 years which are the most important years in a child’s life. I like the idea of letting them make their own lunches, I don’t know if it would work or not because of her slowfullness. Regarding hygiene I’m afraid someone was going to say this, because it would have to be ME that takes the time to do this. I don’t want her to be exposed around men, even her father – as that is something as young ladies they have to watch and be aware of. So I’ll have to do that – and yes it would be a huge inconvenience. Somehow I think that is what she actually wants…for us to treat her like a baby. I think this because it has been happening more since the baby has been born….like she wants to be a baby again. I thought that happened to toddlers not 8yo’s! Regarding school, I’m now (after parent/teacher conferences) hooked up with the teacher via email. This worked for us last year and hopefully will work for the remaining of this school year. You are really right about her BM and that is what gets us every time. She doesn’t care about SD8 and her upkeep, even didn’t do her hair when she was over there for TWO WEEKS! So, yes SD8 looks to her mom like the Queen of England and figures since mom doesn’t say anything then I’ll do whatever I want, including lying. With the rewards program, we tried that and failed – she lacks the motivation. We tried money – she just doesn’t get it.
Cdngirl – Wow, you are good. I can’t sometimes stand the sight of SD that I now have to smell under her arms, her breath etc? Geez….love for DH’s and the responsibility of SD’s go a long way huh?
This too shall pass.
You will get it. I know that it is a major hassle, but the reality is that if you don't try to correct it now, it only gets worse and that means 10 more years of living like that and I don't know what marriage can withstand that. I totally understand the need to not have her exposed to men. It is something all parents should be cognizant of regardless of the sex of the child. Although, I must say that I when my kids were younger, I was totally comfortable with DH bathing and dressing them. But then again, he had always been the primary caretaker of the kids even when he was married to BM. SO, it was second nature to him and also bonding time for them as well.
As far as the counseling - is there a college that does psychology degrees near you? I ask because one of the local colleges has a clinic dealing with an array of issues, they take insurance and work on a sliding fee scale. She will need counseling to get a better understanding and I think the sooner the better. I think that was a godsend for us in the beginning. Because of the kids age at the time, the therapist did art therapy with them. SHe would ask them to draw a picture about x. Then she would have them explain the picture to her. As they explained the drawings the conversation would flow into something more and they really opened up to her. But in our case therapy was court ordered because of all of the craziness that BM had put them through.
As far as BM being the QoE, don't you worry, that image will come crashing down. The older she gets and the more that she sees BM in her true light will slowly alter and eat away at that image. That I assure you. I always felt like a piece of shit in the kids eyes because BM was too busy being Fairy GodMother and I was busy raising the kids. She only got to spend time with them when she wanted to. If she felt like exercising her visit she did and if she didn't, well, she didn't. She would buy them worthless crap that they loved and of course they idolized and adored her for it. Well now they are stb12 and 13 and they really only want to be bothered with her when she is spending money. If she is broke, they would rather pass on the visit. Yes, its a shame, but she created that situation by trying to be the fun time mom and friend, rather than a mom. Every now and again we get glimpses of BMs light not shining so bright in their eyes and I don't guess that the light will ever truly fade, but I do see that it doesn't glitter and shine as much as it once did.
Just hang in there. At 8 she doesn't know any difference, give it and her time. But most importantly BE CONSISTENT in all that you do. You don't want to send mixed messages to an already confused little girl.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Refreshing thoughts...
Principalist – Thanks for that. We just think as she gets older and starts budding which she is a little, she needs to start to learn the difference. Yes, there is occasions when he has to come in there – but for the most part, for any girl thing…I’m the one to handle it. I live in a remote area and not a big city, so there are a couple of schools that I can check to see if they offer something like counseling on a budget. I appreciate the tip. Its nice to hear that the QoE thing will come crashing down at some point. Even if she still doesn’t “approve” of me, that at least she can tell that her mom isn’t doing her anygood. I guess I’ll keep on keeping on as they say…thanks for your words of advice.
Stepg – The coin thing sounds complicated. How do you know you’ve hit 200 coins? I agree that it is nice to have something rewarding for them as they continue to struggle on doing what is right. I like the go through the backpack thing daily….I think we’ll have to try that for a while.
Crayon – Sounds like you are the only adult that isn’t blindsided by the Skids. As with your SD I’m hoping that for my situation I can get to my SD before it gets chronic. I think it is unfortunate when they are not acting well, that other parents cannot see through all the BS. I guess they have the BP’s tied around the finger huh?