Is your family their family?

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Ok, I have this question. For those of you who have Skids and have your own kids between your DH, do you involve your family with your Skids at every opportunity? Is it selfish to preserve some family times with your BD/BS and your family??? I guess does the bloodline matter to you? It really matters to me, as I was broughtup pretty strictly.

Not so strictly that I married a man with a child that should have been from a one night relationship. But thus the story goes.

The reason why I'm asking is because my SD8 really likes my family. My family is really nice to her and buys her gifts at every opportunity, just like her family. She enjoys being able to participate in the family times that I have with them. SD took a trip to Virginia with me and my DH and bascially hung around my fam, and soaked it all up. However she was very ungrateful for the trip afterwards.

SD8 is spoiled, her GM on my husband side busy her anything she wants, her GM on her mom's side lets her do anything. During the summer's and holiday's SD8 goes to she her mom and her family, including DH's mom - since they 'miss' her so much. However we recently are planning a trip to go and see my family in VA, and I really don't want to deal with SD8. So, in essence of budget, sanity we ruled that she would she her GM on her mom's side for the holidays instead of going to VA. So it will be me, DH and SD5mo.

For me, I'm good with this decision. I personally do not want her getting too close to my family. Its my family and her people spoil her and let her do anything, so don't try to come around mine and have them do the same...I want to preserve my family traditions and good times for my BD5mo. I know this might sound selfish, but why does she get her cake and eat it too? I don't think that that should be.

Eventually in the future though, SD will have to take some trips on her own, with her people, and durnig that time, we would take trips as a family. Time would eventually have to be split anyway because we want her to maintain a relationship with her family.

Am I wrong for feeling this way??? Don't beat me up too much, just tryin to find my way here.

I have a different problem.

I have a different problem. My skids bm is always telling ME and the skids that we are NOT related, nor is my family. The skids do not view my family as their's but rather as mine. Mind you my parents live 10 mins away from us, and we take them over when we can (not just holidays).. They have started complaining about ALWAYS having to go to frustrated's parents house (mind you, its MAYBE once a month that we go over w/the skids).. I know when I was a kid there was no option, nor any complaining when we went to visit relatives.

My inlaws live several states away, we see them a couple of times a year.

We do go see my parents more when the skids are not present. Its just easier, less bitching to listen too... no one to have to entertain (yes, they own toys, we allow them to bring them, yet they STILL need to be entertained)

I do not know how to help you with this. sorry. I guess other than to say, I have let go of my guilt. we have lives, and we live them, regardless of where the skids are. If they are with us, they are starting to learn that its about our plans, not their entertainment needs, and if when they arent, we go about life as normal.

I think that perhaps your homones are still getting the better of you, as you only JUST had your baby. I know I am months away from having mine, and my hormones have me irratated amongst other things.

Hang in there.

Well...I sort of have two

Well...I sort of have two issues with it...I'm with you about the bloodline thing, most people, on here at least, I don't think are. I'm pretty sure they'll say heart ties are stronger than blood ties...which is true. Except that your DH has the heart & blood ties to his daughter, while you may have neither with her. Thats how I am with "SS". Here's my issue. Before we found out that my "SS" was not really my husband's child, I wanted my family to include him, treat him the same, for him to feel like they were his family, etc...all that. The BM didn't. Now that we know he isn't my husband's bio child, I want him to stay away from my family. Sick, isn't it? And here's the kicker....now all the sudden BM wants to make sure my family includes him, when she never did before. Now she wants to make sure he's not treated any different now that we know the truth, which he's not. My family still includes him in all the same ways, as they should, because its not the kid's fault. So on the outside, I fake it, but on the inside I wish he'd stay away & I wish my family would stop treating him like he is a part of our family...cause now that I know he's just BMs kid sitting in my house, I don't look at him as family. But I would never tell my family that, or how to treat him, cause I think it would make me look like an awful person! Its very frustrating...but yeah I totally understand your feelings.

I am not trying to sound completely horrid...

but really, I think you need to go to a counselor for the feelings you have for this child.

I don't say this because I think you are an 'awful' person. I commend you for you putting your TRUE feelings on the table. I just think that your anger and resentment has gone beyond just venting. He is more than just BM's kid...no matter how he got here and the lies that were told, your so called SS is still your husband's son. The quicker you're able to accept that fact, the better for everyone involved. And I say this, really, in the most non-confrontational sense. I KNOW what it's like to have resentment for children that are the direct or indirect cause for turmoil in my home - financially and emotionally. In the depths of my soul, there were days I couldn't even look at my stepdaughters because in my mind, they were the direct cause. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have to deal with BM....ever. I had to see a counselor because I was a complete mess. Angry and hurt by the whole situation. I just think that since your husband chose to remain the child's father regardless of the DNA test, you need to learn to cope with the fact or you are to remain pissed off about it forever.

Because in the end, I know that if my husband was this resentful towards one of my children...I just don't think I could stay married to him.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Well luckily my husband

Well luckily my husband understands how I feel...and its all so new that I'm trying to give myself time to accept it all. But my husband as well feels a little differently now too, he still loves him of course, but he says he feels more of an "uncle" type love now, and maybe always did because he always had doubts. We will stay in his life because we know its not the kid's fault...but I don't know if I'll ever think of him as a part of my family. Even if he was his kid, I really have never been around him long enough to bond with him anyway. He has always lived 14 hours away, and probably always will. So he's not in our daily lives, and this situation does not consume me thankfully. It really doesn't affect me on a daily basis, I don't agonize over it. Actually if it wasn't for this website I'd probably hardly think about it at all (something for me to consider!). I only see him twice a year. Now if he was here locally & I saw him all the time & he was a part of our everyday family, you're right, I would probably need to talk to a therapist. But for now I'm just going to give myself time. Thanks for your concern though. I appreciate your input

Not at all

Melis I disagree, why should you continue to allow the fraud that was enacted upon you by the bm. Your husband is NOT his father, sad for the child but its time to tell him and bm, they need to try and find the father and that family. If dh wants to have a relationship still with this child fine, but it must be made clear to your own children and family that he is bm's child. Thats a awful big lie, similar to not telling an adopted child they were adopted. He needs to be told now while he is young and, I am assuming you've told your own children. We all feel sorry for kids but it doesn't mean we cover other people lies or allow them to go on. Certainly not becomming members of our own family because bm committed fraud. Plus it will be worse when this child find out and he's much older.

The only one that needs counseling is the bm, and probably this poor child whom she did this too.

Yes, from my perspective I

Yes, from my perspective I totally agree with you...but I also have to look at it from my husband's perspective & whats best for the child, since its not his fault. He just turned 11. Most people do not think that is old enough to tell a child the truth. Some people think its better to tell them when they are young so they are not lied to their whole life. I do not know what the professionals think, except one that we asked, and that one said it depends on the child and to tell him when you think he is mature enough to handle it, BUT DEFINITELY TELL HIM. Pretty much everyone on here has said to either never tell him or tell him when he is grown because it will crush him. I think the younger they are the more accepting they are. No, I have not told my children yet, because they are too young to understand it. My oldest is 5 yrs old. He thinks my hubby is SS's dad. If I tell him he's not his real dad, he will no doubt tell him when SS calls hubby "dad" instead of by his name like my son does. He will not understand why he should keep it a secret. This doesn't bother me as much because my son will never be led to believe that SS is his real brother. My youngest however, my son with hubby, is what concerns me. I don't think I should have to lie to my own kid and let him believe they are blood brothers just to cover up BM's lie. And I refuse to do it. So in a few years we may run into a problem and hopefully hubby will decide to tell SS the truth by then. But overall, yes, I agree with you. I think he should be told right away, I don't think I should have to cover up her lie & lie to my own kids. I have already told my family.

Man I am really on the fence with this one...

I brought this situation to my husband last night and it swayed my view a little.

First of all, let me explain to you that my husband absolutley ADORES his daughters. Sometimes to my annoyance even, because they are just princesses in his eyes. I thought the answer was as simple as the love he has for them.

So I explained the situation and the proverbial question of "what would you do if it were you?"

He didn't have the immediate answer like I did of 'you love them anyways'. His response was marked with pure contempt for the BM (I wouldn't put this very situation past her) but also the need to tell the 11 year old the truth. Then he had an immediate need to stop having the conversation because the reality of it was unthinkable to him.

I think it really is different for everyone. We have 50/50 custody and BM has been unsuccessful in pushing DH out of the girls' lives. He is here to stay and for me,I don't care either way if he was their biodad or not. I've bonded with them and love them very much and if by chance, one of them wasn't actually his...I can go my whole life blind to that fact. Melis, your husband on the other hand has limited involvement and you have had no chance to bond with the little buddy. I also struggle with your method of obtaining the results behind everyone's back so ultimately, I really don't have a definite answer for this situation.

What would make you ultimately happy? I guess that is my question. Had the DNA test come back differently, would you have attempted bonding with him? Would you accept him as your child's brother? Where does your happiness begin? With DH completely cutting this son out of his life? Or would telling him the truth and your husband continuing to accept him as his own anger you even further?

That's the only reason I suggest therapy, I think you coming to grips to this situation will help alleviate a lot of the anger you are harboring...that's all. Please don't take my suggestions wrong in any sense....I really am interested in helping.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

CG...

"Man I am really on the fence with this one..."
Welcome to my world...but first of all, I don't understand why everyone considers me sending in their toothbrushes for DNA testing to be be "going behind his back"...yes, I am the one that did it because I didn't think he would ever have the nerve to find out the truth on his own...but he KNEW I was doing it beforehand. I am a very honest person, I tell people outright what I think, I do not keep secrets. He knew I was doing it, and he told me he wanted to know the results when they came back. He was not mad in any way that I wanted to do this, and from what he's said since, I think he was actually a little relieved that I had the guts to do it since he didn't. This is such a gray area for everyone, there is no right answer, there is only damage control at this point. To answer your questions about the test results, I thought a lot about those questions too before I did the test. If he had been the father then yes, I would have attempted to bond with him, just as I had been doing before I knew the results for sure. And I haven't seen him since we've known so I'm not really sure how I will feel once I do. That will happen at Thanksgiving so I'll let you know. And yes I would have accepted him as my child's brother, because he would have been, and I would have thought of him as my oldest child's step-brother. My biggest issue is lying to the child. I personally feel like it is doing so much more damage & making me resentful that my husband is allowing her to get away with not only lying to him, and her son and thinks she is forcing me to cover up her lie with my children. I told my husband from the beginning, and still feel this way, that no matter what the results are, I do not expect him to change his personal feelings for this child or to treat him any differently. I never expected him to cut him out of his life, I am actually against that. They talk once a week on the phone, we see him twice a year. That arrangement is fine with me. Its been like that for a couple years and I don't have a problem with it. None of us could even imagine what it feels like to find out a child isn't yours, we are women. We know whether a child is ours. So I feel bad for my husband and want him to be happy, but at the same time I don't want her lie affecting my children or my ability to have a honest relationship with them. I don't think its my responsibilty to cover up her lie. No, I will never go & tell him the truth on my own but I don't want to lie to my own family or kids to cover up hers. Its a complicated situation & everyone has their own opinions about it, which is fine. I'm all about people speaking their mind and giving me different perspectives.

See, I thought he didn't know...

my fault.

I do wonder your husband's resistance though. Maybe all the confusion is from him not being sure if he wanted to know the truth. What's done is done, you know?

You shouldn't have to lie. I agree with you on that one.

I also think you are having the SAME resentment that a lot of stepmothers have. Especially when you are dishing out a decent amount of child support for a child you get to see twice a year.
We paid (at one point) over $2,000 a month in child support, seeing them 6 days a month. It was hard on everyone but BM. She was happier than a pig in shit. The rest of us were miserable...including the girls. They needed their dad as much as he needed them. I was less than happy signing over more than half of DH's disposable income and then having to explain to BM that she was the one who needed to buy the girls winter coats and shoes when she was DEMANDING that DH purchase them. I used to live in the state of resentment.

I just wonder what will be the cause of your ultimate happiness. Do you think that telling him the truth will stop the resentment?

I don't think it will.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Honestly, yes I do. Because

Honestly, yes I do. Because when I think about the situation, it is the lie that really bugs me. I hate the fact that BM told such a huge lie, is getting away with it, and in fact is getting paid for it. But what bugs me the most about the lie is that this kid is being lied to by everyone he knows and she thinks she gets to make me lie to my own kids. If I was told as an adult that my father was not really my father...I would be absolutely livid that I was lied to my entire life. That nobody felt I deserved to know the truth about where I came from. I honestly feel like if we just told him the truth, and he would see that my hubby is not treating him any differently, then everything would be out in the open & we could all move on with our lives. Right now all I feel like we are doing is protecting the BM. This woman has 3 children, none of which know their real fathers...she thinks she can just appoint a father that she sees fit. I'm sorry, but I think its bullshit. I think children have a right to know who their real parents are, or aren't. I don't think that her lying to my hubby 11 years ago is a good enough reason to lie to the kid, or to my kids. I think all the lying should stop & we should all live in reality. So yeah, I think telling him the truth would greatly effect my level of resentment. And get this, she actually suggested a lower child support payment to keep us from telling him the truth. I find it hilarious that she even thinks she entitled to any child support at all. The only reason we send her any money is to help the kid because my husband loves him. She thinks he is stuck being financially responsible for him because its "too late". She talked to a lawyer where she lives. But where we live, its not too late. A DNA test can be done & child support ceased, there is no statue of limitations. And since he was born here, our state has jurisdication. We talked to a lawyer too. But all of that is irrelevent because we would never do that to him over money. Her sense of entitlement after what she's done really gets on my nerves...but thats a different issue altogether.

Maybe..

if you were to look at it as your DH making the decision to father the child back then without ever questioning his paternity. (Which from the way it sounds, he probably should have)

I guess it goes both ways. My oldest son's biodad doesn't support my son financially or emotionally...it's easy for me to cut the strings with him so to speak. My son is oblivious to the man, he could care less that they share DNA. But then when it comes to my exH ,who he's called "dad" since he was not even 2, he is more than I could ever ask for in a father. Definitely more than his dumbass biodad was willing to give.

I guess that's my "fence" problem. If exH was to approach me and say, you know we technically have no blood ties, so I'm not going to be his dad anymore...my heart would just break for my little buddy. I know it's apples and oranges because I definitely did not trick him into anything.

But I think yes, you should eventually tell the kid. Maybe at the advice of a professional though. That's going to be a tough one to swallow by anybody at any age. Kids ARE resilient but they are also very fragile and you can do damage to their mental stability and not even realize you're doing it.

I think it would be great to cut BM off at the knees. But then she would do exactly what you would expect her to do. Withhold visitation and contact then find the actual schmuck that fathered the kid and try to get money out of him. Her sense of loyalty and doing what's right seems to be jaded.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Actually the BM knows who

Actually the BM knows who the real dad is, and it was one of her comments that actually made me realize we needed to do the DNA test. She had told someone we know a story about her ex husband & let it slip that when she was pregnant with the child that she told her then husband (they were seperated) that she was pregnant & he told her he wanted nothing to do with it or her...which is when she decided to tell my hubby it was his...without mentioning that she was still sleeping with the guy she was divorcing & it was mostly likely his kid. And when he filed for divorce from her, the question on the divorce papers that asks if the wife is pregnant, they lied & said no. Their divorce was final in 6/97 and my hubby married her in 7/97. Now from the state laws, any child conceived or born within 280 days of a divorce is supposed to be presumed the husband's. So he should have been presumed to be her exH's child, and he really is, but since she lied about being pregnant & got the divorce to go through & married my hubby right before the kid was born, he was legally presumed to be the father & his name was put on the birth certificate. Since they were married its automatic & he does not have to sign the certificate, in NC at least. Had he known she was still sleeping with the ex, had lied about when she got divorced & when she actually conceived...he definitely would have not married her & gotten a DNA test first...but he didn't live in the same state & was oblivious to all the stuff that was going on. So he was definitely duped, big time. And I know for a fact he would not have chosen to be the kid's father if he realized there was a possibility it wasn't his, because while they were married she had an affair & got pregnant with someone else's kid. He took her back, but knowing for sure that child was not his (this is where the race of the child was different, as talked about in a different post) he made sure his name was not on that kid's birth certificate (they had since moved to HI and that state the father has to sign the certificate in order to be placed on it, married or not...THANK GOD), he refused to adopt the kid when she was pushing him to, and when he finally divorced her a year after that kid was born (because she was again pregnant with someone ELSE'S kid) he did not maintain a relationship with that child. So if he had known all the facts, he wouldn't have chosen to be the boy's father figure, he was definitely duped into it. In your case, your exH KNOWS your son is not his real son, and he has CHOSEN to be the father anyway. And your son knows the truth as well. There's a HUGE difference there, I think.

Just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you SHOULD

What a mess...

Did she at least stop having children?

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

after her 3rd child she got

after her 3rd child she got her tubes tied, THANK GOD!

Just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you SHOULD

I think someone should tell him

Having someone tell you when you are 20 that your dad is not your dad maybe even harder when they are young. I guess, the little boy although young needs to be told the truth so he can deal with it and move on. I think if he is told later in life, he might spend the rest of his years in therapy. Even if a child is adopted, it is nice for that child to know their situation in life. It makes them a better person regardless of the circumstances. I sure hope that your DH changes his mind....actually do you think that he is having some issues with accepting the fact that this is not his son? He might be still dealing with animocity regarding the whole thing and that is why he isn't very willing to tell the little one. He doesn't want to let go.

i think hes probably afraid

that if the truth comes out BM will not let him see the poor kid again. but really, i would think he has a parental claim to this child and any judge would deem visitation appropriate given the circumstances...he has been his dad his whole life, no matter who contributed to his dna. so im sure hes probably just scared of not being able to see his son again.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

She wouldn't do that because

She wouldn't do that because she wants her child support. Sad, but true. We know he will probably be upset at his mom once he finds out, which is why she doesn't want him to ever find out. The real kicker is that when BM was 18 she found out the man she thought was her father wasn't really her father either. Her mom did exactly what she is doing. And back then she was livid at her mom for lying to her. You'd think she wouldn't want to do that to her own child. But apparently not. This is one of the reasons I think its best that he tell him right away, right when he found out, so he's not the one lying to him.

unfortunately,

alot of times, BMs repeat the same actions their parents did. my SDs BM grew up w/o a dad and BM obviously doesnt care if SD does or not or she woudlnt have made life so difficult for us bc of having SD in it (shes chill for now, but im sure that will change). youd think she wouldnt want her own child to go thru that, but she doesnt care. only cares about her paycheck...

if ur DH told the kid, he may not have to pay support...and she may have nothing to say about it.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Here's our options...file a

Here's our options...file a paternity case, do a DNA test, gets child support stopped, lose all parental rights. SO not gonna happen, and she knows he'd never do that. We do not want to stop paying child support because my hubby does not want to kick this kid out of his life. Which I agree with. Or we could just keep paying child support, not treat him any differently, pretend we know nothing and let the lying eat us up and hope he never figures out on his own that he looks absolutely nothing like his dad (he already makes comments at 11 years old). Or we can continue to pay child support, not treat him any differently but tell him the truth. Be honest with the kid, and our kids for that matter, and stop all the deceitfulness! At least thats my opinion on what should happen.

This is a very new

This is a very new development in our lives...and neither of us want to do something until we are both in agreement and are ready...yes he is still dealing with the facts. The biggest thing is though that we do not see this child often, and this is not something you say over the phone. We will see him at Thanksgiving, but only for 3 days. Not enough time to let him really comprehend it before we leave. Next time we will see him is in the summer. But we have not decided how long to wait to tell him, at what age, etc. He thinks 17. I think thats a bad idea, I think very soon before he starts hitting his teenage years. We have to tell him in the 3 to 4 years or else I'm forced to lie to my kids so he doesn't find out from them. So its either this summer when we'll have enough time with him or wait at least another year and a half. So we basically have 1 chance a year to tell him and need to decide what year it will be.

melis070179...

I'm just beside myself and trying to understand why it would be kept a secret my your DH or by BM. I guess I can understand BM in her selfish ways, but DH and you should tell him. I think the CS should be reversed and that your DH get visitation because of the situation, but this cannot go for too much longer because this boy can revert to some serious rebelliousness if you let it go on for too much longer. I know your DH loves him and your kids love him and you - - but the truth has to come out...especially to your kids. You know when I was young and I told one little white lie - it can haunt you. This can come back to you the longer you hold on to it. It's kind of like drinking acid. The more you keep it in your system, the worse it gets. I really hope you can encourage your DH to look beyond the drama and do whats best for that little one.

My son met his 'real' dad

when he was 10. He was mature enough to make the decision.

I never lied to him though.

He did alright. Didn't really care for the guy, except when he's buying him presents.

I think this summer would be ideal.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

So do I...and I know if I

So do I...and I know if I told DH to do it, he would. But I don't want to force him to if he's not ready or if he thinks the child is not old enough. I guess I don't want him telling him just because I am making him, I want him to tell him because he's ready to. But just as he was scared to take the plunge himself and get the test done, even though he wanted to know, I'm afraid he'll be scared to tell him the truth on his own too. He is the most non-confrontational, sweetest guy I've ever met, but it also means that he lets people walk all over him, manipluate him and he's a complete pushover at times. I have to be his backbone most of the time, but I want to make sure I'm being his backbone with something that he truely agrees with and not someone that manipulates him. I think I'll talk to him a little bit more about it, we haven't talked about it in about a month. We had a huge 4 hour tear-filled (by both of us) conversation about all of it and I think we both needed a little break from thinking about it for a while. But we can't avoid it forever so I think I'll see how he feels about telling him this summer. Thank you everyone for your input...and sorry groovetheory if I hijacked your post!

My situation with this...

my skids are part of my family as far as I'm concerned and embraced by everyone(aunts and uncles, cousins and such). All the kids call my mom, Nana. But that's just how we all are, there is a ton of us and we just figure the more the merrier. It comes very natural to all of us and I am definitely not the first one in my family to be blended.

I can respect the 'idea' of separation though. DH's family did not embrace my boys like mine embraced the girls(except his one brother who just loves my kids). I don't take it personally, and I've explained it clearly and simply to my kids so no feelings are hurt.

I think your problem lies more with SD8 being spoiled then it does with your family involving her in gift giving and family trips. I think you would feel different if she were actually grateful and realized that your family doesn't HAVE to embrace her as a part of the family. The CHOOSE to and SD8 needs to understand that.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Right on sister!

"I think your problem lies more with SD8 being spoiled then it does with your family involving her in gift giving and family trips. I think you would feel different if she were actually grateful and realized that your family doesn't HAVE to embrace her as a part of the family. The CHOOSE to and SD8 needs to understand that."

Right on. You are exactly right, but what you said isn't something that can be communicated and understood by an 8yo isn't it? It should just come out in the gratefulness. But being grateful isn't something that is in this little girls vocabulary.

That's an easy one for me

My family is my family and not SD's family. She has done nothing to embrace them and everything to push them away. The last straw for me was when we all went to dinner together, and afterwards she went home and called my family "fags" on her Myspace page. When I saw that and told DH, she tried to say she was talking about "someone else." It was in the direct context of referring to dinner with my family... Easy call on that one. They get SD gifts and she never opens or uses them (including gift cards, shirts, room decorations, etc.).

Of course they are

But it's just to appease DH. They don't want to "leave SD out," and DH is very sensitive to that sort of thing. But their hearts definitely aren't in it any more, and I feel for my mom who always tries so hard to come up with something the recipient will like. No chance with SD!

Groove

I don't see anything wrong with just taking a trip to your parents so they can see the baby.

I know that my parents love my skids & are very good to them, but sometimes they enjoy just spending time & spoiling the grandson they waited almost 20 years to get from me.

My skids have basically 4 sets of people they call grandparents, who love them & buy them gifts. If my parents want some one on one with my son that has just 2 sets ( my parents live two hours away & don;t see him all that often) then in my opinion that is fine.

I always try to include the boys in our Swedish family traditions, but the oldest informed my mom & I he was not swedish & he didn't even want to try our rice pudding that we eat on xmas before our dinner with the lucky nut. The youngest had no problem being Swedish by marriage. My family enjoys the boys & they enjoy them, what they feel for my little guy runs a little deeper BUT as long as the skids are unaware I think it's fine.

Family

My family- my mom & dad, brother, sister & her husband & his son are all very close. Always have been. When I met DH, they instantly treated him and his 3 girls like they were always part of the family. Birthdays, Christmases, Graduations, even regular Sunday dinners- you name it- everyone is treated as equals in their eyes.

My family is very good that way. And thank God for them!

Because my DHs family- well, they're just weird. He has three sisters himself and his mother. They hardly get together for holidays at all. They're always fighting with each other. If one sister is coming to so-and-so's house, then someone else is not out of sheer subbornness. Half the time one doesn't even invite another one to special occasions because "they're not on speaking terms". It was absolutely amazing that they all came to our wedding!

No one buys anyone presents because they're all cheap SOBs. Oh yes, they can afford them, but they just "choose" not to. We still buy for their kids, but they don't for ours. Luckily our kids are old enough to know all this and just smile when it happens. (Hey, we're not going to be cheap and awful to their kids just because they choose to be to ours!)

Anyway, as I said before, Thank God for MY family. They may have their faults, but making people feel warm and welcomed in their home is definitely NOT one of them!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Kind of

My family has always been loving, kind and generous to SD17, including her in trips, etc. when we can get her. Some give her gifts even though I have asked them not to, as she never says thank you and gets so much she doesn't even know who gave her what (yes!).

However, now that she is veering off on a very delinquent path that neither DH nor I can handle, I really don't want her around my family any more! I am embarrassed by her 'values' and actions and lack of manners especially, and my family is starting to look askance at her too. Our 'family' started out good but over 8 years/puberty has gone downhill and I don't think will last over time.

I really hope she changes or I would be fine with just having a 'surface' relationship with her, and not visit. I am sure I will burn in hell for this, but I just can't help it!!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

I don't feel like a stepmother; is that wrong?

I don't really feel that comfortable calling DH's kids my "stepchildren," as they were grown adults (in age but not necessarily maturity) when DH and I married. I read a lot here about helping to raise young S-kids, but not much about grown S-kids and the unique issues that they present. I hate to seem uncaring, but honestly, I don't have strong feelings of love for DH's kids. Frankly, I see their mother in a lot of their behavior, and that's not exactly endearing. I feel guilty about this, because DH loves his kids, of course, and I don't share that love.

His kids, the oldest especially, compete with me for his DH's time and attention (like X does) and that is a real roadblock for me to feel any tenderness toward them. They also have made it clear they do not like my bio child, see themselves as better than him, have been openly hostile to him at times, and have even called him names in my presence. This really brings out the mother bear in me and I begin to dislike them intensely and see them as an enemy/threat, which I know is bad for everyone involved.

Is it wrong to be feel these things?

!hat you are feeling isn't wrong

I think it is rude for his kids to treat your bio that way. When you got in this relationship where is kids already grown? That may be the reason that you feel the way you do, especially if you were not involved with raising them.

SD trys to use my fam for her vents...

Thanks for your feedback...I guess I should be thankful that she isn't disrespecting my family, that is for sure.

Coloradogirl - You hit the nail on the head. SD8 isn't exactly thankful and grateful for the things they do. And she is SPOILED by my husband's mother.

Sweetthing - This is how the relationship is currently with me too. All of the GMs pay attention and do not disrespect SD, basically out of love for me, and love for DH.

My family is very respectful and I wouldn't want them to not give her anything, that isn't the point. I guess her getting too close is a personal violation of mine, where if anything happens I have to worry about her talking to them without me knowing.

Regarding the travel, we do take her on trips. We're going down south to visit some family this month and she is going, its just due to her schedule on visitation with her mom, it leaves her out of other family trips we are planning, but our lives aren't going to stop because of her plans. We keep living - kind of like what fustratedinma was reffering to.

Also, recently when my family was visiting. DH wanted to talk to me in our room. Our baby monitor was on and caught conversations with her and my mom and my sister, she was trying to say "well "groove" and "dh" don't understand me, and that I want to have fun all the time..."....we immediately stopped that. Do NOT use my family as your venting, and try to manipulate them to feel a certain way for you - like you are a big baby. So, that is why....they have been my fam for 30 years now, and no KID is going to come between me and them...we are too tight for that. SD already has other other fam wrapped around her finger, she's not going to do it with mine. That may sound mean, but so be it.

I do understand where you

I do understand where you are coming from but let me ask you a question... Do you consider your DH your family even though you are not blood related? Does your family treat him as such? Then there is your answer. If your DH is your family then so is his child. I LOVE that my family treats SS like family. He is my family because I married his father. So I would want my family to treat him like family. I also love that expression on SS's face when he sees my parents and runs up and gives them hugs. It warms my heart that they get along so well and that SS is so excited to see them. My SS calls my mom Grandma Max and my dad Grandpa Darrell. I love it. I would honestly be offended if my parents didn't treat my SS like family. He is an important person in my life and I want my family to take part in the important parts in my life.
But should you invite Skids to EVERY visit. No. They have other family also. I would take them when you can and be grateful they have a good relationship, but if there are times it's appropriate for them to spend with BM's family, then that's fine also. But don't purposely avoid contact between the two because you feel that Skids already have family and don't need more. It's good for them to feel loved and accepted. At least they get along.
I do feel that you may have some resentment toward your SD and you need to let that go. I don't think it's right to feel that she is having her cake and eating it too. You accepted this child into your life when you chose to marry her father. Why do you want to deny her a good relationship with your family? I guess this is just my opinion.

kristina0121

For me, I think that SD's behavior overshadows whole thing. If she acted just the little bit of decent, I would be more apt to encourage more of a relationship.
However, she does go on trips with us, this one just coexisted with the break that she is going to take with her own BM. I have never purposely avoided the contact between the two. I do have resentment, and I'm working on letting it go - but it isn't easy...
She does have a good relationship with my family. I just reject her having a great relationship in where it interrupts my relationship with them. I refuse to accept that. Its just me..that would lead to me not even talking to my family on a regular basis. I just know me.

My family is not skids family

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

And H's family is not my BS's family. Our kids are old enough (except perhaps SD13) to know who is their own family. If they were small, it would perhaps be different.

As my parents live right next door, I had a birthday party/anniversary (their 55th anniversary) combination, but no gifts were given. Just good food, cake etc. in the backyard.

And I'm going to explain to my parents that I certainly do not expect them to gift to skids for Christmas. My older sister also has skids (4 0f them) so my parents have 6 skids in the family. They are not wealthy, tho they are comfortable. And I think it would be ridiculous for them to have to fork over for not only their own grandkids (there are eight) and another 6. That would be a total of 14 kids for them to gift to as well as their 3 daughters and husbands. Too much. Skids have 3 grandmothers and one grandfather on their side. And that's enough.

You are here

Is your family their family?