Which is easier: younger or older skids?
Forums:
I've been reading a lot of your posts/blogs and am curious as to your opinion on this. Do you think coming into a relationship with skids being older (say over 15) or younger (under 15) is easier. That being said I realize both have there issues. 
My skids were 9 and 7 when I entered there lives, and while I appreciate the fact that I've had more time to bond with them, I shudder to think that I have 9 more years of this until the youngest is 18. So my questions are:
1. How old were your skids when you entered there lives
and
2. Do you think having younger or older skids is easier on us stepparents?
For what it is worth
DH's first marriage (Zippy's BM) had a daughter-they got custody of her when she was 4-
DH bonded to her and to this day considers her his daughter-
She on the other hand treats him like something on the bottom of her shoe and her alcoholic BD is Prince Perfect Father.
I got Zippy dumped on our doorstep by BM as soon as the ring was on my finger -I have known SS since he was 12-have lived with him full time since he was 14 (now SS is 16)-we put up with each other-hard to bond with a sullen, introverted teen.
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Both
Had trouble with sd when she was younger now we are having trouble with ss and he is 16.So neither is easier.
Skids were
12, 18, 23 when we married. We didn't mix much before marriage. If I had to do it allllllllll over, I would have waited til the 12 year old was 18 before even MEETING.
Too much crap to put up with when they are young. It makes your life and your bio kids life more difficult than it needs to be.
So, for me (in my opinion) dealing with grown over 18 year old skids is better-----------as long as they are OUT OF THE HOUSE.
PERIOD
Agreed here
I have often said I am glad SD is older. I don't know if I'd be able to hang in there if she were little, like 3-6 or something. The benefits are
1. A loooong time since FH and BM were together, like, they broke up when SD was 2, so 10 yrs when we met, and basically she has no memory of them together.
2. SD can understand her dad wanting someone in his life. He was always very good about not introducing her to GFs until it was serious, she met 2, including me, her whole life.
3. We can do "grown up" type things, play video games together, go to museums, talk like adults, my weekends do not have to be spent at Chuck E. Cheese!
4. She's fully capable of taking care of herself in terms of picking up, fixing herself food if she wants something other than at meal time, getting herself drinks, etc.
5. None of the "gross stuff" I have to say I read about skids wearing diapers at 6, pooping and peeing in beds, vomiting everywhere, EW, with a capital E.W!!!!!
So my vote is for older, but that is so so so contingent on the extenuating circumstances. BM did her share of PAS, but all she did was bash FH, she didn't do anything to endear SD to her, so basically SD would come over, have a great time with dad, be taken care of and loved, and then go back to BM who berated her, screamed at her, and didn't really take care of her. So it wasn't a truly successful PAS campaign at all....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Sd had just turned 10 and
Sd had just turned 10 and has gotten worse every year since.
It depends on too many variables to count
SD was so infatuated with my momness at 9 I thought this would be a breeze.
Ech-chem.
No.
There was a little voice inside me at the time trying to warn me that she wasn't supposed to be quite so accommodating, by why question love right?
Ech-chem.
RIGHT.
Anyway, my sons were only 2 and 5 when my ex and I divorced and though they don't have a perfect household, the boys have adjusted quite well to both our blended families. They feel more maternal bond to SM and a family bond to that house, as they can't really remember much before SM and her kids moved in. DH and I met when the boys were 6 and 9 and SD had just turned 9, so it was a little harder for all of them. For the boys, well all the guys DH included, just had a harder time bonding, especially since my ex is a very hands on and loving father. They do love DH, but not quite at a dad level. He is more strict than their dad, and has a loud roar when provoked, so sometimes I think that's a big part of it too.
SD does still know I am a mom to her, but sees me as good mom/bad mom (or just plain "her/she") which changes daily per her convenience/mood/perception of me.
All that being said, if my choice was meeting SD younger than or older than 15? I would chose younger. Way younger. If either DH and BM had stayed together til then, or SD had been able to have DH to herself for 6 years, too much dysfunction or too much territoriality and it never would have worked. I was a major factor in DH gaining custody too. The psychologist, GAL, SD's principal and teachers, all saw me the way SD did- her hero. SUPERMOM. I fell from that grace as soon as the need to fight for her ended.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I''m too old to change
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
is what my then SD15 (now 17) informed me when I met her. SD19 (now 21) was ok with me at for several months, and SS13 (now 15) was ok too until SD17 poisoned them against me. Although I have no experience with younger Skids, I would think they would be better than the teens. If I had it to do over again, would I? Ummmm....jury's still out on that.
i think it depends on BM largely
i hate to always come back to this, but its true. in my case, i have SS15 who DH has custody of and BM is nearly absent. she picked up and left, conceded custody and only gets him when she wants and not EOW like shes supposed to. she doesnt support him or do anything for him. since im younger, and SS has lived w DH, he thinks im cool and we have no issues (other than typical teen stuff).
now SD3.5 is a different story. its easy for her to "love" me bc shes so little and has no recoleection of her parents together (they split when she was a yr old). but BM is awful, so i dread the next 15 years w BM in my life. Sd is very babied, very coddled and spoiled, and just like her mother already. not looking forward to the long road ahead...
so i think it depends.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Blabb was seven
years old when DH and I got married. We knew each other a few years before that but BM never allowed me to see Blabb, which was absolutely fine with me.
I think it sucks either way. Blabb is AWFUL! And she's only 8! I can imagine her attitude being 1983098543098302984019821 times worse when she turns 15. :o Thinking about it makes my skin crawl. But on the flip side... the older she gets, the closer DH gets to not having to pay for CS!!!!
I hate the thought
of nine more years of "child support" -- used in any way BM wishes, not on the children, necessarily -- when we have the kids the majority of the time. That said, the kids and I have had more time to bond before they're off to college because they're younger. And it helps that they're well-behaved, intelligent children who aren't overly coddled but expected to act their ages. So I'd say it depends on the circumstances and the kids -- and you. Anything can work, I suppose.
Same Here
If DH did not get custody-we would have to pay until Zip finished school (up to 25 years old in some cases)-
If Zip was 6 when I met DH-I would not be married-
However-it will be a deal breaker for me if DH allows Zip to live with us until he is 40-in my opinion they can have a nice life together-I will be on some beach with a cocktail!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
None of the above.
I think it is a horse a peice if it you get them young or old. Young, you might be able to do some good justice - but then when they learn how to talk right and get "preferences" - look out world! SD8 is just getting out of hand at the moment - she is purposely not doing things because "she doesn't want to". She's turning to be just like her mom, and very rude. I can't wait for the next 10 years to be overwith. Actually 9 years, she'll be 9 in April! Whoohoo - single digits! Anyway, its just better off if we all had raised up our skirted and ran to the mountains.
Hmmmm! Not Sure.
SS was 18 months old
SD was 3 years old
When DHa nd I met. Technically I guess I am an adulterer since the divorce was filed, but was not official when we began dating. Wit that being said, let the record stand that I was not the reason behind the divorce.
My kids were so young that they have no recollection of BM and DH being together. They remember nothing. Was a very traumatic time for them and I believe SD has blocked a lot of stuff from memory and SS pretends to remember but it is more from hat BM tells him than it is from what actually happened and that's how I know that he hasn't a clue.
In the beginning it was nice. We were a good family unit and worked well together for the most part. The kids adored me and would literally run in the house destroying anything in their way to get to me. They couldn't wait to come over for visits. We did the fun stuff, but I was also a parent figure in that I set out rules and expectations and treated them as my own. They ate it up. Problem was that when they were returned to BM and raved about all of the stuff we did and how much fun we had...well you know the end of that story. The kids attitudes towards me changed. They became very hostile and mean and treated me like the enemy. I couldn't understand what had happened, but later figured that BM had poisoned their little minds.
The kids then came to live with us when they were SD7 and SS5.5. Things were back good for about a year. BM disappeared and DH, the skids, BD and I went back to living our life as a cohesive blended family unit. THEN BM woke up one morning and remembered that she had kids. She came back in the picture and tainted them some more. Things got pretty bad until BM was sentenced to Federal Prison for 5 months for ID Theft. Those were truly wonderful 5 months and things were peaceful in my home again. Well, the nerve of the courts. THey released the idiot and my life was in an upheaval again. Anytime BM would disappear and then return and see the kids living a good life and HAPPY without her, she set out to implement destruction.
The kids are now SD13 and SS12. SD is of the age where she sees the crap that BM does and yes she does fall for it sometimes, but less and less. She KNOWS who is really there for her and appreciates it. SS on the other hand is still swayed by BMs negativity and that she can do not wrong. That's fine because he will just have to learn the hard way.
As far as which is easier. I'm not really sure. THey each pose their own issues. It does depend on a lot. If you are CP or NCP. If BM is supportive or negative. The kids disposition and attitude. I don't know what the HS years will bring but I think even though I enjoyed my skids when they were small, I think I am going to enjoy them more now that they are older. For many of the same reasons that northernsiren mentioned. SElf-sufficiency, independent, free-thinkers and the ability to reason. Let's just hope that is what I get.
People who get on HIGH Horses will find the fall to be painful. ~ME :->
Good Question
That's a tough one..I have a 6yo ss and he's lived with us since he was 4. If someone had asked me this before I became a sm, I think I would definitely say that younger kids would be easier because they don't have the teen attitude issues, but I don't know...young kids are hard for different reasons. They need SO much more attention and although mine loves me, there's no getting away from him....he never stops talking and when it's just him and I sometimes I feel like running out the door forever! I think because I've basically been him "mom" for 2 years and will be until he's 18 that I MIGHT avoid some of that teen angst and hopefully some of the "your not my mom!" stuff...he'll hopefully have accepted me as a part of his life by then (he really already has), but I find myself now wishing he was a few years older so he wouldn't want constant attention from me. I care for him of course but I don't love him as my own and his love for me makes me uncomfortable to be honest....