No loving feelings toward FSD10
My boyfriend's daughter is 10 and I hate to say it but I don't have any feelings of love toward her. I have known her for over 2 years now, and I thought I would eventually feel a bond with her, but I don't. She is a very different kid compared to how I was growing up...she isn't interested in the same things, and she has a very large vocabulary and a high level of knowledge which she throws around whenever she has a chance. She gets straight A's and comes accross kind of like a know-it-all most of the time, which drives me nuts. She has an opposing comment for almost everything all the time, except when I bring up subjects that make her uncomfortable which is anytime I ask her to do something, she gets completely silent and doesn't respond at all. Her mom completely babies her, if I hand her anything that is pre-packaged or needs to be opened, she has to have someone open it for her..she doesn't even try. She has very long hair and has just learned how to brush it herself, because I require her to do it at our house. Her mom does it for her at her house, as well as picks out her clothes for her. Her mom packs her bag to come over here, which she doesn't even carry herself, with homework, clothes that she is returning, and her stuffed animal that she still has at 10 years old! I tell her that she needs to be responsible for her own things, and that the only way she will learn how to do things is by doing them herself. She is kind of snotty and a little stuck up. When I make dinner, she gets a look on her face like she is eating something sour and says "what is THAT?" She makes comments if I use too many paper towels, or if my car is messy, or if Im eating something she doesn't like, she has to tell me. She has made comments that I need to buy a different kind of kitty litter for our cat, and she always makes comments like the cat is naughty and doing something wrong, which he doesn't. We have given her things as gifts from the Easter Bunny or Santa, or for her birthday, and after she opens them, the gifts just sit there, untouched. When she gets a treat bag from a birthday party, it sits in her room, untouched. Most kids would want to play with things right away, or try clothes on, or at least look at the item, but no. Im a thoughtful gift giver and
I have gotten so excited to see her reaction in the past, that I get so disappointed when there isn't a reaction at all. So I have stopped buying so much and have really pared down the gifts at holidays because I don't want to go through that each year.
My friends with kids have made comments that she is a little "strange" and "weird." I agree with them. Its hard to explain I guess, but my FH could never hear me say that, of course.
I find myself connecting more to other kids and bonding with them, and finding them pleasant and joyful to be around. With my FSD its like there is nothing there. I dread when she is here, and I look forward to when she goes back. There used to be days here and there when I would get a kick out of her and have fun with her, but those days seem to be so much in the past..and honestly if I drank a few glasses of wine, she was much more tolerable. I just don't know what to do about these feelings..is it wrong to feel this way? Will it ever change?
I couldn't agree with you more!
This part especially - "There used to be days here and there when I would get a kick out of her and have fun with her, but those days seem to be so much in the past..and honestly if I drank a few glasses of wine, she was much more tolerable."
I know we are not exactly on the same page since your SD is 10 and mine is 6, but...
I used to adore her when DH and I were dating. Now, I just don't know. I don't hate her or dislike her. I am just neutral towards her. I guess I am protecting ymself for when she's a pre-teen, teenager and adult and she will inevitably hate me, like I hated my SM.
I too constantly compare the things I did at SD6's age to what she does, as it is my only frame of referece because I have no kids yet. I liked to play in my room with my dolls, color, read, ride my bike, play outside with the neighborhood kids, plant flowers with my mom, and walk the dog with my dad. SD just has to be up DH's butt all the time. He can't go in the kitchen a pour a glass of tea without her right on his heels. We have to push her out the door to ride her bike so we can have grown-folk converations or just to have her out from under our feet.
When DH and I were dating and engaged, she and I were buddy-buddy. We read books and colored together. Now she just stares at me. I ask her to get her homework folder so we can do homework while DH cooks dinner and she blankly looks at me.
She is completely dependent on adults. Well, not completely because I am pushing her to shower herself, brush her hair, make her bed, clean her room, etc. I honestly believe that if I hadn't pushed this, she wouldn't be doing any of the above.
For our first Christmas, I picked out a Barbie with a walking horse because I knew she loved horses and was starting to get into dolls. She loved it when opened it, but has not touched it since. I'm not sure she knew it was my idea, I think I told her I picked it.
Sometimes when she comes over and is exceptionally annoying, I will suck down a few glasses of wine or beer. I have even taken a Tylenol PM and hit the hay at like 8 p.m. on a Friday or Saturday night. Pathetic, I know! But I am kind of guilted into being around every time she is with us. I even get flack if I have to work when she's around.
I feel like it's a no-win situation. You give and you give, but in the end, you'll lose.
no loving feelings
Thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone in this situation. I've never been married nor have I wanted any kids. I got married last December (at 47) to a great guy who has a 15 yr old son. We dated for 8 years (met him after his divorce & ex wife actually cheated on HIM) before biting the bullet but I've never related to his son. The ex wife lives within walking distance and our life styles are very different. She's totally disorganized, unclean, and a horse person/farm girl (55) and I think ADHD. The SS15 stays with us most of the time I think only to watch tv, eat, sleep, and have a decent roof over his head. He comes & goes as he pleases which really drives me nuts because I never know when he'll walk in the house un-announced. We still pull teeth to brush teeth, take a shower, clean his room, & pick up after himself. He's a boyscout with other kids that aren't too swift either so there's no real good rule model. Because he lacks organizational skills, his lack of homework is bringing down the grades. I used to be on him all the time about homework, brushing teeth, cleaning up after himself, helping around the house instead of sitting on his butt watching tv, etc., but I've disengaged. That's worked for me but his schoolwork shows a marked downside. Occasionally, I'll "break red" and throw his dirty (or clean clothes not put away) on his bed so he is forced to deal with them. Since he doesn't help at all around the house, I force him to do his own laundry - If he wants clean clothes, he has to do them himself. I've hidden the remotes to TV's so he won't sit in front of it all the time when we're not home and maybe he'll pick up his room to get the priviledge back...but he doesn't care. Since there's no communication with the ex & us who lives walking distance away, he'll just go there until it's time to come back to our house to go to bed. I've left the discipline up to his dad, but I think he feels guilty that we don't see him enough to blend his love with discipline so he backs off. SS15 & I try to avoid each other. I can't seem to say anything nice since there's so much to say about what he's not doing in the little time I see him. I like other peoples kids, they seem to have pleasant personalities, manners, self discipline, and a desire to carry a conversation. I absolutey love dogs, why can't I pretend he's a lost puppy and have some feelings for this kid? I see him as a slob with no personality, dirty, disorganized, selfish, ....OK, I'm just venting and it does feel better.
I live on 108 acres and cut/trim/maintain all the grass because I can't count on anyone teaching the 15yr old load to do any work around the house inside or out? Last summer, he sat on his "arse" in the cool air conditioning while I was sweating butterballs mowing, trimming and cutting grass all day every weekend. It's not my place to tell him what to do. When I've made a suggestion that he can help, he just says he has to go to his Moms house because she's expecting him. Of course, I can't verify it since there's no communication with us. We avoid each other like the plague. Funny, she treats me like the one who cheated on her.
I know after reading everyone else's problems that this doesn't sound bad at all. But, it's driving me crazy because I can't imagine living the next 3 years until after High School graduation under the same conditions. Every morning is the same...yell at him because he slept through his alarm, yell for him to get out of the shower, yell at him to hurry up or be late for the bus, etc...of course he'll call mommy to give him a ride to school if he misses the bus.
I think his dad & I are lousy parents not to mention his enabling mother. SS15 will have to go to summer school or take some 9th grade classes over next year. So, when is his laziness considered bad and what can we do about it?? Although I don't like him, I don't like to see him fail either. I'm really not a hateful person until I get around him...Help!
I totally understand where you're coming from
I have been with my H 4 years and SD is now 8 and I don't feel love towards her. Some days I don't even like her much. I identified with some of the things you said. If SD was an adult she would not be the type of person I would be friends with - we don't click. We have totally opposite personalities. She's loud, very bossy and know-it-all - kind of like a Rosie O'Donnell. To be honest, she's not a very likable person. I have struggled with this too. After talking with a therapist, I discovered:
a. I'm not her mom and don't have to "feel" or act like a mom to her. It's not my responsibility.
b. I do have the responsibility to establish some kind of relationship with her that I do feel comfortable with.
What I do feel comfortable with is being a parental figure / caretaker role. I cook, do laundry, that type of thing. I leave the majority of discipline, parenting duties to the actual parent, H. She treats me with respect as an adult in the household and that's all I ask. This has been a big relief to me and allowed me to relax much more.
It still isn't easy to be around her all the time, but it has made it more tolerable.
Dee
Thank you Valley Girl and Dee
Both of your responses made me feel so much better about this. I have been feeling kind of guilty, like I am a mean person for not connecting with this child. But just like you said Dee if she was an adult, we would so not be friends. We are just so different. I don't "get" her.
And like you said Valley Girl I am always thinking about what I did as a kid because thats all I have to refer to as I don't have kids of my own. And when I was a kid I was always outside playing and entertaining myself. FSD is always around, its like she thinks she is one of us adults. When I am talking to FH, she listens and comments. Its like "youre a kid-this conversation doesn't include you!"
But Dee your therapist is right. I am responsible for establishing some kind of relationship with her that I do feel comfortable with. I don't really know what that is exactly. I have really taken more of a backseat role lately because when I was more involved and participatory I felt like I just got the shaft in the end. Dealing with her and BM, there is nothing good that comes from it. There is no appreciation or good feelings, only thoughts that keep me up at night worrying about this crap. So I have kind of backed away, made excuses why I am busy,etc. and really allowed FH to step up and be in charge instead of me or BM. I will really have to think about what kind of relationship I do want with her I suppose...thats a tough one.
And that's another thing...lol
I should have started more at the beginning of my 4 yr road. Taking a backseat role is absolutely the way to go!! Your responsibility is to you and your BF's relationship. Your BF and the BM have the responsibility to parent this child - not you. When you can come to terms with that, and it is hard believe me, you will be so much better off. I am a take charge kind of person and it was very difficult for me to back off, but over time I have and it is so much better for me, yes me, because I was the one losing sleep over this, just like you. For what??!! Someone else's child?
I stopped going to the pick up/drop offs, which was the first step in the right direction. If something comes up that needs to be addressed, my H deals with it with the BM - not my responsibility. If you can start disengaging, you will find yourself becoming more relaxed and not worrying about things so much. Dont' get me wrong, some things still tick me off, but not as much anymore. I love my H dearly and cannot imagine being without him, so after therapy and this site, I have found the best (not perfect) way for me.
Dee
You guys are so right..I
You guys are so right..I have thought to myself-why do I really lose sleep over someone else's kid! I was smart enough not to get pregnant without being married. I did all the right things, so why should I have to deal with any of this from a kid who isn't even mine??!! Like right now for example she is playing x-box. She has been playing it I would say for about 3 hours now. If she was my kid, she wouldn't be playing it that long at all, I would say "okay time to shut that off and find something else to do" and I used to be that way with her too. I used to think it was the right thing to treat her like my own. When I watched her during the summer while BF was at work, I would plan out the whole day with fun things for the two of us to do together. But doing all that backfires. So now I just don't care. She is 10, she needs to make her own decisions instead of having someone down her back all the time making them for her (BM and BM's mom). Im not going to baby her or remind her of things anymore.
Crayon I like how you put it:she thinks she has all the rights and priveleges of an adult, yet none of the responsibilities. I would always try to put it into words how one minute she acts older, but when it comes to other things, she is like a baby. Its so weird. "Just act your age for God sake" I want to scream at her!
I do keep an eye out for my cat for sure! Hes just a year and a half, poor thing. She talks to him like he is a bratty brother or something. But thats my baby. Honestly, I have been having this feeling in my head when Im sleeping that she is going to come in and stab me or something..its CRAZY I know!! I don't even know what brought it on, but I am kind of scared when Im laying in bed. And we have to keep our bedroom door cracked open so the cat can come and go as he wants. I really don't think she would ever do that, but I keep having the same thought in my head that she will. CREEPY!! I havent told my BF about it. Its a weird feeling though.
I have a comment on the x-box thing
I too, like you, initially found myself saying "ok it's time to turn it off and do something else" for the sake of the skids well being.
But now, like last night i asked them to turn it off, they refused and I just shut it off because I wanted to sit on my own couch and watch my T.V. I'm sick and tired of them taking over the living room every weekend. I do work around the house from the time they get there until the time they leave, unless they have something planned, but it's all about them ALL THE TIME! Whether it's dinner, groceries, sporting games they have, taking them out for a treat, cleaning, doing laudry, picking up disaster, ect. Now I'm going to tell them to turn in off for ME and no one else!
You go girl! I have that
You go girl! I have that situation all the time...I wish it was just on the weekends! My SS15 comes & goes as he pleases because his mom lives walking distance away. She lives in a dump by her choice and we have a nice clean home by our choice. So he comes over to eat the food, watch TV, and sleep in a real bed instead of a couch. It wouldn't be so bad if he had a personality and got off his lazy butt and helped out once in a while. I've learned to hide the remote so now maybe he'll spend more time at his mom's house doing NOTHING instead of my house doing NOTHING. The world seems to revolve around them...he reminds me of a cat. Dogs ask what they can do for you...cats are only interested in doing for themselves.