New and unsure...
Hello there all. There doesn't seem to be an area in which my situation fits on this board.
I have been reading here for a couple of weeks, but just not sure if me, and my problems, fit in here anywhere...
The short version of my story:
My husband and I were both widowed in 2005, within 6 months of each other. We met on a discussion board much like this one...for people who had been widowed young and wanted a support network of people who knew what it was like. We became email friends, then phone friends, then more-than-friends. We were married in Feb of 2007, after I moved from the US to the UK with my daughter who is now almost 18. He has two daughters from his marriage, now 10 and 14.
It was supposed to be a second chance for us both...it was supposed to be happily ever after.
The "problem":
...is my stepdaughter who is 10.
I swear I just don't know what to do, what to say, how to act or to re-act, or where it will all end...
I didn't expect it to be like this. I have experience with other peoples kids...have been babysitting since I was 10, been a mother since I was 18, and for a brief 3 year period in the 80's, I even owned my own day care center.
Despite all of this...am completely out of ideas & resources.
The other problem:
Is that I personally place a lot of the responsibility for this kid on the BM. Unfortunatley she's not here for me to tell off. I know most women here think it would be a blessing if the BM went away. But it's not necessarily better. It means that there is no one to hand the kid off to...ever! And no one to blame...because if one of you complain about the BM it's expected, but if you do it when she's dead...then you're a monster!
I sound selfish to my own ears, so cannot think what conclusion others might come to...but this is just SO not what I signed up for!
I feel like I am in a room full of people...screaming my fool head off...and no one even glances up!
There is something so very wrong with this kid... yet I can get no one to see it, to hear it, or to acknowledge it.
I feel like I am in one of those movies...where the heroine finds herself mistakenly locked up in a mental institution...but can't convince anyone that she is the only sane one...because all the nuts say that.
I swear that sometimes I feel like my life has become some weird sort of psychological experiment to see if I can be driven crazy by the idea that everything I know to be true, by intuition, my instincts, my common sense...are all wrong.
That I am making things up because I am the only one who sees...the only one who talks about it. (Damn emotionless, uncommunicative Brits!)
If I am in the wrong place, could someone just give me a heads-up so I can perhaps make the appointment I have been avoiding and see if I should be the one to be medicated?!?!? (Possibly on an in-patient basis!)
I would really appreciate any feedback...don't worry about hurting my poor-little feelings. (No one else seems to worry about it!)
But don't take too long, okay? 'Cause I think I can feel myself losing the will to live...
First of all
Welcome!
You are in the right place. You are a stepmother, and this is a great place to vent, share ideas, and possibly meet some new friends (IMO, it's better to vent here and get it out of your system, than to your DH, and fight/argue all the time).
What exactly is the problem with your SD10? A bit more detail would help before we can offer any advice, opinions, or solutions...
Wondering
I have a SD that is the same age as your and am also wondering what the problem with her is. My SD has a lot of different issues that relate to her BM. Maybe I can help???
Sorry
You are in this place..going thru this.
My SS's BM is alive somewhere..but we have no idea where..so I know the feeling of never having anywhere or anyone else to take him off my hands once in awhile..and he is socially not up to par..so it's hard.
I'm sure you'll get alot of good advice on this board.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I will have to respectfully disagree to that.
I don't think making such a generalized statement as above is correct.
I believe it is all in how the child(ren) is raised.
As a BM, I have 2 BDs, 18 & 15. My exH and I separated when they were 4 & 1. We did not have these issues with our daughters, as we tried to work together to maintain some sense of "normalcy" for them, ie: same bed time at both houses, same rules at both houses, and we did not put the girls in the middle of our arguments. We (meaning myself, my exH and their SM) worked together to raise the girls into honor roll students, to respect the people around them, to think for themselves, etc. Overall, I do have to say I think we did a pretty good job, they're not into drugs, they don't smoke, and I generally enjoy sitting down and having a decent conversation with them.
As a SM however, I do somewhat see this with SD7. BM has inflicted so much HAP and PAS that they (BM and SD) have quite a codependant relationship. BM constantly discusses 'adult' issues with SD, going so far as to introducing the boyfriend befor her now current one in a hotel room, and then they proceded to stay with they guy. She has SD lie constantly to DH, her therapist, her teachers, and yes - we have busted her quite a few times. BM has SD so emotionally dependant on her, that I have seen SD litterally running in circles trying to gather her belongings while listening to BM screaming in her ear on the phone to get out to the "f**ken car NOW!!". When I questioned SD if she was ok, and wanted me to walk her to the car, she said no, she was ok, and her mom only yelled at her "'cause she really loves me and missed me so much when I was here". Uh - yeah.
In high conflict divorces, this is pretty standard. I suppose one might ask the original poster what kind of family life did her SD have when BM was alive? I'm assuming based on what I read, the DH and BM were still married at the time of BM's passing, so the issue with her SD may just run a little deeper.
Guess I should have been more specific huh?
First I want to thank everyone who commented or even bothered to read...it's nice to not feel so isolated! : )
SD10's problems are many and varied...but in my opinion have very little to do with the fact that her BM died when she was almost 5, and more to do with the way she was treated by BM when she was alive.
My SD14 has always been the Golden Child. I don't mean she was spoiled (well, not much) but just that she is very intelligent (attends advanced-special-smart-kids school)super popular, can play 4 instruments, was a member of the Royal School of Ballet, had acted professionally on stage, came close to being in a couple of big movies...blah, blah, blah. It just has all always come very easy to her, not her fault...I'm just saying.
The younger one by contrast...is just barely an average student, had trouble walking from birth (I'll get to this in a minute) trouble talking from birth, not a lot of friends...blah, blah, blah.
BM was SO wrapped up in living her life vicariously through the older one, she had nothing left to give to the younger except to constantly compare them. You know, the "Why can't you be more like your sister?" routine.
I spent the better part of a year taking her from doctor to doctor regarding her walking (on tip-toe, bowlegged and toes turned in) only to eventfully be told, after many tests...that there isn't a thing wrong with her! She was simply one of those babies that walks funny at fist, ya know the kind?!?
And her BM was so very busy with the older child’s many talents, so she never bothered to take the time to correct the younger ones walking...so now she is 10 and has no idea how to walk like a normal person. What looks cute when you are 10, will get you ostracized when your 15!
Same thing with her speech...nothing wrong with it that a HUGE amount of attention and correcting wouldn't fix...but if the people that are related to her (including my DH) don't try to correct anything about her...then it seems to look to them like I am picking on her when I try.
As to her REAL problems...
First it is important to point out that she only acts like this at home. Which is why I think there is a truly scary issue here. If she was like this all the time then I would say she's just going through a phase or something. But the fact that she can control herself at school...means to me that she is deliberately CHOOSING to behave badly!
(Important to point out here that her BM's dad is in a mental institution!)
She appears to be physically incapable of telling the truth. Even things that have absolutely no consequences get lied about. (I have simply stopped asking her any questions...so that there will be no opportunity for her to lie and no big drama.)
She won't follow any rule put down, won't complete any task assigned to her, will begin to cry without cause, over-reacts to everything, won't make eye contact, deliberately uses the tone of voice of a child much, much younger, appears to have a complete lack of conscience (shows no remorse or guilt), and has been caught harming the family pet.
Now...you tell me if this doesn't sound like the list of symptoms for a future serial killer?!?!? :jawdrop:
In the last two years I have tried positive reinforcement, tried ignoring the bad behaviour as much as possible, tried creative consequences for transgressions to teach her how her actions affect others, tried time outs, groundings, taking away her favourite things, extra chores and even excluding her from fun events like going to the local fair...all with almost no change in behaviour, and sometimes it got worse.
It is just all so manipulative and passive aggressive...I am not used to this behaviour. I think I would respect her more if she just called me names, swore and threw a fit. But instead she sneaks around, says one thing and does another, tells everyone different versions of the same story...and when I try to talk about this to anyone (including my DH) they make it seem as if I am paranoid!!!
Just because you're paranoid...doesn't mean everyone’s not out to get you!!!
Please help...throw me a line 'cause I'm drowning here!!!
~Ya know...some days it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps! }:)
I'm so sorry you are going
I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. It is so hard to love someone else's children and even harder when they aren't exactly lovable. It sounds to me that your SD10 found a way to get attention from her BM and stuck with it. She is in the shadow of her sister who has everything come so easily to her and your SD10 is trying to be noticed (only my guess). Negative attention is still attention.
I feel very bad for you because in my situation, I don't have the skids for 4 days out of the week. But you do not have even that option. Sometimes when you can't change a situation, you can find ways to still enjoy YOUR life and you can find ways to deal with the situation that was dealt to you (even if it was a bad one). With that being said, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to talk to someone professional about the situation, but not because you are nuts, but to maybe gain some insight on how you can continue to live in this situation and be happy at the same time.
In the long run, she is 10 so you do not have so many more years to deal with her. And in time, she might actually get better, but there is also a possibility that she could get worse with her teenage years.
You may also want to sit down with your DH and have a very serious heart to heart with him, even if he may be hurt by your words, but maybe explain to him how you feel (as you did here) and let him know what it is doing to you emotionally and how serious it has become. I have tried this with my situation and it does help. My DH has begun to understand where I'm coming from and he does try (key word is try) to be supportive and he does try to make things easier for me because bottom line is, these skids are here to stay so we need to find ways to accept some things and be happy in our lives. (I know, it's a lot easier said than done)
It is comforting to know that there are other people out there in these situations. We are not alone. So when you need to vent or need advice, this forum is sometimes the best place to get it.
Wow!
It sounds like you really do have your hands full! I cant say as if I have ever experienced anything like what you are going through directly. I like what instant family said...Negative Attention Is Still Attention. She is so right. It seems like 9-10 is a prime age for lying...we deal with a lot of lying from our 9 almost 10 year old.
I think that professional help is a good idea. They can help you find respite homes that you can utilize to give yourself a break every now and again. These people are most often trained to deal with children who have a range of inappropriate behavior.