what a bitch!!! my mil isn't that bad, but she still treats BM like she's still part of the family b/c it's good for sd12 & ss9 --- which i doubt, i find it confusing.....

if you're cake is going to be so much better bring it and go on about how you enjoyed making it for your sweet wonderful FH......... i would also bring a bottle of wine or 2...

good luck ---- i would be super duper unbelievably pissed... fortunately, DH & I would not go....... he's on board with me about this type of crap...

This is why I love this site. No one else believes me when I say MIL invites BM over for Thanksgiving dinner like it's NO BIG DEAL! Like you say she's NOT family anymore. She's someone everyone has to tiptoe around making sure they say the right thing to her because she'll blow up at anyone and everyone, but they still invite her!!!! WHY WHY WHY!!!!!! Girl bring your cake and spend the whole night caressing YOUR man!!!

I know what my DH would do in this situation - he would refuse to go to his own birthday party. If his family didn't give me respect as his wife, he wouldn't hesitate to tell them what's what. Fortunately, my in-laws love me, and I them, so that will never be a problem.

BM and DH are not married anymore - doesn't anyone see this?? She is not family! Oh hon, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this - it would drive me up a wall. Now, I could MAYBE understand if it was his children's birthday, but HIS birthday? No, no and NO!!!

This is not healthy for the kids. It will only confuse them.

I would have your FH set some definite boundaries. He needs to tell his family that BM is not his wife any longer, and there is no reason for them to include her in family celebrations.

My advice would be to go anyway. You make sure you are front and center right beside DH (I'm sorry, FH). Ignore BM as much as possible and play your part as the future wife. Like starfish said, take a bottle or 2 of wine. But do not stay away from this party. You need to start defining yourself as his wife.

______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

and keep in mind BM isn't ass happy being there as she may act.....and if it gets tough --- remember you have a team here on your side.... take your beautiful cake, sport your beautiful marriage and keep that liquid courage in check.......... you can always tell us tomorrow...........

Wow, your cake sounds AWESOME! My FH would love that too.

As for your post, hmmm, I'd be pissed off. It is HIGHLY inappropriate of your FMIL to invite and include BM in your FH's birthday party. "For the kids' sake"??? What is she, high? Seriously, like other posters have said, that is NOT in their best interest to have BM involved at family events that DO NOT center around the kids. It sends a very confusing message to the kids. Ultimately, your FH is going to have to talk to his family about boundaries. Have him take some articles on healthy boundaries with him to support his point. Check www.bonusfamilies.com or you can google the topic. No one is saying that his family can't have a relationship with BM, but his birthday party is off limits. Why would she even want to go? And what about hew new partner if applicable?

I would fix them next year. You and FH need to announce that the two of you will be changing tradition next year and the FH birthday party from now on will be hosted by the two of you. Then you will be free to invite whomever you want and you will not have to worry about your controling MIL stirring things up intentionally! THis will put MIL in her place and take away all future control from her about this event.
If MIL gives you similar trouble for other events simply take the event "away" from her then also.

Never allow someone else to continually make you miserable on holdiays or any specail day that you should be celebrating. If others are afraid to accept your invitation over MILs, start a new tradition with those that are able to stand up to her or perhaps a new tradition just between you, your FH and immediate family members. Better to celebrate and surround yourself with people that actauly respect and love you on special days than to simply tolerate these days in misery beccause of someone else's problems that really have nothing to do with you.

By the way - it seems to me that MIL is jealous of your culinary abilities since she had BM bring a cake to compete with yours - bring a platter of vegetables indeed! LOL! I am glad you are not falling for this - enjoy the fact that your beautiful cake will irk her no end!

So if this was covered then I apologize.....

You said, "I've spoken to FH about this but seeing as it's his mothers house there really isnt a whole lot we can do about this."
There IS something you could do.... tell MIL that if she insists on inviting bm then yourself and dh will NOT be attending!

MIL is WAAAAYYY out of line and I think the only thing you can do is draw your line in the sand and not let mil overstep.... if she insists on inviting bm to events then don't go! EVEN if its dh's birthday.... mil SHOULD get the point pretty quick!

I'm so sorry you have to put up with that.... its complete bs.

JUST read the above comments.... ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! You are a stronger woman than me girl.... I'm in shock.... MIL?? What a piece of work! What does your dh say about her behavior? I say the two of you write her off completly until she gains some common sense and basic tact! What a nasty woman!

Is MIL this insensitive to you all the time? I don't see how she could think this is appropriate. Then to top things off, she wants BM brining the cake? I agree with the poster that said to arrange next year to host the party yourself so BM isn't a part of it. No matter what MIL says, this is bizarre.

BM probably already knew from FMIL that you were planning to bring the cake, so that is why she started one. I have a SIL that leaves town and takes the kids with her when she knows I am coming to visit. So my Mom and I tricked her one year...told her I was coming a different week and she left town that week...then she was there when I came to town. HA! sooooo, next time say you want to bring a fruit salad or something else....let BM duplicate it and you show up with what you want to bring. Joke is on her.

This is the kind of crap that drove me to this site. The first b-day I was with DH (not married yet), I planned a nice meal at his sister's; his mom and kids were asked to come. BM whined to DH about how she wished she had been invited and he said something like, you could have come too. (he was still in the "be nice cause we're negotiating phase").
I couldn't believe that she would even WANT to come. This is the guy you rag a new a-hole every chance you get, the one you trashed all over town and verbally abused. I think these coo-coos don't want to face the fact that they are no longer part of the "family." They gave up that position when they divorced. She's butted in at a private party DH and I had and goes to every family event. DH doesn't go to her family's! The kids are old enough to go on their own, too, so it's not like she has to give them a ride. Can you say denial?

We moved away so we go to NO family events. Yay. They can all have each other.

staying in contact with the mil. She is probably highly manipulative. I would take the cake and be all over FH (flirty and all) then be extra nice to her (kill her with kindness). I would also ignore her if she starts in with passive aggressive behavior.

Or completely ignore her like she is not even there and put you attention on SS and FH.....

She really has no place there at all..... But is trying to be all up in you FH business.... just to see if she has a chance.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

While my MIL doesn't invite BM to family events that we attend she still welcomes her into her home for weekends from time to time. No one in my DH's family has the balls to tell BM to go F**K herself - they too subscribe to the "it's for the sake of the kids" BS.

However if they were to ever invite her to any event I was attending, I would very quickly un-invite myself and make it very clear to them that the next time they want to bash BM to me(something they do often) that I do not want to hear it!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

I would not go. I would play my "guilt" card. I would find some excuse not to make it (work or whatever), then I would go get the cake I made, a bottle of wine or two or other wonderful drink, then I would place these items in the middle of the dining room table with a really nice card. I would go out to eat, or pick up my favorite food on the way home, have my dinner, a bubble bath and relax with one of those bottles of wine while watching my favorite show or movie. Then I wouldn't wait up for him. When he got home, there would be a bit of guilt for him waiting for him on the dining room table, and I would tell him that I just got home from work and am really really tired but that I hoped he had a really good birthday party and how I wished I could have been there, but I had to work. The ex wife being there for his birthday party and her making the cake, yuck. I mean, YUCK! What a bitch. I could see everyone getting together for the kid's birthday party since she is the BM to the kid, but her ex-husband's birthday party-she is just being a bitch. I am an ex-wife as well as a second wife and an evil step mother and I will tell you what-I backed away from my first husband and his family even though I was good friends with his Mom and Dad long before I ever met my first husband, but when the divorce was final, I walked away because he had a new GF who eventually became his wife. Not the apropriate place for me to be at family functions with my ex's family. That would have been wrong. If we would have had kids, it might have been right to get together for functions for the kids, but that is it!