Ready to quit-Please Help
I searched out this forum because I am ready to call it quits. I told my BF this morning that I can't take it anymore and this isn't the life I want for myself. My BF of 5 years has 2 kids a son 14 and a daughter 10. They have a crazy bio-mom who frankly is way to involved in my life. We have the kids 50/50 which with the nighttime hours we work is basically every waking minute that we both aren't working. The BM in an effort to recreate her crappy childhood has the kids involved in every activity possible which means that the time we do have off from our stressful jobs is spent running to: Ballet, boy scouts, girl scouts, soccer for both, band for both and any other desire they have. Not to mention the orthodontist appointments for both. These activities are in their divorce decree which means they are not negotiable.
The BM and my BF speak at least once a day on the phone usually more and both insist on calling the kids every night to say goodnight which seems a little over the top to me. The BM insists on having all birthdays and tries to have all the other holidays together. BF in an effort to keep things peaceful for the kids acts as a doormat for his ex. While I agree that having a co-parenting relationship this is amicable is best for the kids I feel like they might as well have stayed married sometimes. I have talked to my BF about having the kids for a week at a time every other week to allow us to have some time together as a couple but he says that would be hard on the kids and doesn't think that will work with his ex's or our work schedule.
To top it all off the SS14 is a nightmare. He is the most self-centered, obnoxious , selfish little bastard I have ever encountered. I realize that all teenagers are like this to some extent but this kid really takes the cake. (Last winter while sledding his sister slipped off the sled and slid down the hill on her face, while she sat at the bottom bleeding, crying and being comforted by her dad the little monster actually asked their dad to move her off the side of the run so he could go down!) This kid also does not have normal reactions to life's dissapointments He gets himself into screaming "I hate you" fits over the most mundane crap. Which his BM chalks up to "he's tired". Last month he called his father a "f*&ing b$%ch after his father told him he couldn't do something. When BF told BM she agreed that there needed to be consequences at her house as well and she took his computer away for a week. (then took him and a friend to the movies THAT night!
The BM in an effort to be the favorite and the cool mom allows the kids to do whatever they like and there are no consequences for their actions. Understandably the kids would rather be at her house. At some point I would like to have my own children but how do you raise a child with your values and limit their activities when the child's step-siblings are allowed to be in every activity? The other issue with the 1/2 week at our house is by the time the end of the week rolls around we about have them acting human again and doing simple things like chewing with their mouths closed and not walking into buildings and letting the door slam in the face of the person behind them, then we send them back to their mom's house and have to start all over again the following week.
I have been "disengaging" for the past year or so, (didn't know the word for it) I basically go about my own life while the kids are with their father and count down the minutes until they leave and I can go back to work. While this has lessened the fighting and tension in the house it's no way to live. I feel for my BF as he is living two lives and trying to keep the peace between everyone so no one is happy.
I told him this morning that I have zero interest in his children and if they were to move cross country with their mother tomorrow I would have no heartache over it. I feel like a terrible person! Is it possible to live like this? I love my BF very much and if he had no kids and no ex-wife I think things would be perfect but he does and I knew he had baggage when we got together I just didn't realize how much I would grow to resent it! We are discussing our options now such as a trial separation but I fear that maybe that is just trying to hold onto something that should be let go and maybe it would be better for everyone to just cut our losses.
Any advice would be appreciated, I see from these posts that I am not alone and that's reassuring but no one seems happy....
Hi there! I know how you
Hi there! I know how you feel. I'm at the point of letting go myself. I can't offer you any other advice other than to follow your gut. If your gut is telling you that you are unappy, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, it may be right. I'm in the same spot right now. I personally don't see things getting any better, so now I'm doing a lit of thinking and trying to figure out what my next steps are. Good luck!
Thanks, I appreciate that!
Thanks, I appreciate that! Wish someone could give the answers:). It would be much easier if he and I had problems but our only fights are over the kids and his ex. Don't know if it's the same for you. Hope your situation gets better!
You are not a terrible
You are not a terrible person because of how you are feeling about his kids. Most of us have felt that towards our skids at some point. You need to think about what will make your life better if you bf is not going show you what you need to see. I think that many of us on this site would like to go back and not be married to someone with children if we could because it is soooooo hard.
I really sympathise with
I really sympathise with you. Being a step mum is difficult enough but all this running around you and your bf are having to do would drive anyone nuts. Especially when it's probably all being done to ease the bm's guilt.
There has to be a balance in life and call me old fashioned, but I do not believe children who participate in so many activities benefit. Better to have one good hobby which they can apply themselves properly at and have some time left over at the end of the day to do their schoolwork and perhaps play with friends. It would also give you and bf some well deserved time to rest and have some interests of your own.
And don't worry too much about your outburst. We all do it! Just put these points to your bf without getting too emotional and watch and listen to his reaction. As I have always maintained, it's not the sk's that are the real problem, it's the way their bio parents deal with them that cause the problems.
Best of luck.
Ask yourself one
Ask yourself one question...are you prepared to live the rest of your life like this? It's an honest question because for better or worse, the children and BM will always have a connection with your BF. Now it may not be the same as it is now, but as they get older there will be graduations, weddings, babies, christenings, etc all of which they will be a part of. Are you truly prepared to face all of these things as your BFs significant other knowing that you will be asked to sacrifice your time,effort and probably money and have probably no say in how anything goes and very little if any true acknowledgement with the exception of a thank you and a $25 gift card? And what if you and BF get married and want to have a family? If you can answer those questions honestly...you will have your answer! Good Luck! BTW I'd still marry my wife...i'd just make sure the SK went to live with BD first lol
Sorry you are struggling.
Sorry you are struggling. I’m in a similar situation myself. I am having serious reservations about committing to things long-term given the stress and grief the last year has caused me. I’ve been married before and I can tell you that a family is different when it’s you and your spouse, and your biological children -- with no ex wives, guilt parenting, etc. Like you, I thought things would be easier and love would conquer all but quite frankly, the whole endeavor is a drain (I have my kids all month except for every other weekend, he has his daughter 50/50), and all the drama that has been caused by BM, SD, and BF’s reaction to it (probably the biggest issue) has caused tremendous resentment that has made me feel numb toward him.
I wish I had the answers for you and me. We’re having a partial separation where we are not together every day anymore. He's sad all the time which makes me sad but I also feel relief. I am scared I might be making a huge mistake because we do love each other but I am not sure I can take this stuff on. Like you, I feel like I am only prolonging the inevitable, since I ask myself what can REALLY change to make things different and make me feel different? Have you asked yourself that question?
Thanks for your reply, I
Thanks for your reply, I hate to see anyone else going through this but it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I am having such a hard time because I really feel like a selfish person. I tell myself that no one's life is perfect and BF loves me to death, he's mature, responsible, warm hearted and he honestly would make a good father to our future children he just can't make much impact on his current kids when they live in Disneyland the rest of the week. I also feel guilty because while this is BF's house, he won't be able to afford it if I leave, He was heavily in debt when we met and would have eventually had to sell. He built this house before his kids were born and it's on a beautiful piece of property I know it would break his heart to lose it. He says that I can't stay out of guilt but I feel like crap. I know I am breaking his heart by leaving. When I mentioned the trial separation vs a split his eyes lit up and he said he was ok with that. I felt even worse because I think that I was only saying that to make things easier on ME to leave. I know he won't be able to make the changes I need in order to come back because they are not possible. His situation isn't going to change for the next 8 years and I don't want to wait around but I also wonder if he is "the one" and years down the road I'm going to be alone or in another relationship regretting leaving him. I am also in a conundrum because we work together. He says that if I leave it won't be uncomfortable to work together (we don't actually work in the same building but still interact a lot at work) but I think it would be and have offered to move out of town. But in todays job market it's scary to give up a good job with benefits. How long have you been doing the trial separation? How do you work it, do you still go on dates or have overnights when the kids aren't around. I guess my vision is to just live our own lives and see if we still want to be together after being apart. I think I am just doing this to try and wean ourselves off each other and not calling it a split!
I agree with all that is
I agree with all that is said. That is what I meant by following your gut. If you can't see any of this changing, and this is how your life is going to be as long as you are together...the decision is yours in the end of course. Personally, my dh says all the pretty words, but nothing EVER changes. My dh's problem is he can't leave my past in the past. He hates the very ground my EX walks on, and for no other reason than insecurities and jealousy (with no given reason). So, I've made my decision today that we will have one more councilling session around my dh and his own issues. If I still see no light at the end of the tunnel, I'm out immediately after Xmas. My mental, emotional, and over all health happiness and well being is much more important that "hanging around" hoping things will change.
If you're really ready to
If you're really ready to quit and haven't tried all of your option like you and BF can't seem to get on the same page, it will probably only get worse. The resentment will build and build.
If you want to continue working on it, maybe get some counseling for you and BF and in the meantime, can you work different hours so that you're working while the kids are there?? Maybe even take a second job part time or something
Might make BF open his eyes to what little monsters his darling children are if he's the one having to deal with them all on his own during his time with them for a while. Also, disengaging is much easier if the kids aren't in your face nonstop.
Just a thought.
Intolerable..................
Intolerable....................You've described a intolerable situation over which you have zero control. Your bf is not going to change, his ex is not and his children will get worse as they go through puberity.
In fact things always get worse after marriage as people start to take things for granted. You've painted a very gloomy picture which is going to get darker. You mentioned your kids to be and how you do not want them raised in this type of environment.
You owe it to your future children to find someone appropriate. Do it now as there is no use in prolonging this. You didn't fail, you gave it your best shot, now accept that its time to move on and try again.
Pssst: Do not even accept the first date from someone who has children. There are plenty of singles out there I don't care what your age is. Go find one.
Sounds to me like things are
Sounds to me like things are pretty set in stone and it would take 5 miracles gto change anything. Having said that, you can either learn to accept it or RUUUUUUNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd RUN if I were you. There is baggage and there is insermountable baggage. He has the latter.
I agree, the little girl is
I agree, the little girl is actually pretty sweet but the boy simply thinks he is the center of the universe and the people in it are just there to do his bidding. BF divorced his wife because she was so permissive and unwilling to be the bad guy and would get mad and undermine him when he tried to discipline the kids. This woman actually slept with the two kids in her bed until the oldest was in 3rd grade because they didn't want to sleep in their own beds BF slept on the couch for several years before they finally split, how unhealthy and just plain weird is that? He hoped that having the kids 50/50 would give them the tools they actually needed to cope in life and to some extent it has. I can't imagine how they would be if they had stayed together but he is so determined not to be one of those nasty divorced couples that he is unwilling to call her on her crap because while he won't speak ill of her to the kids she has no problem treating the son at least like her little confidant. The boy feels like his mom is a victim and me and BF as the villain.
Bitter SM, I could have
Bitter SM, I could have written your post. I am feeling all of the same things. So sorry you are having such a hard time.
Right now BF does not stay at my house on the nights he has SD (half the week) and on the weekends that we have kids, we have spent time together as a “unit” but just one day and/or night of the weekend (he has 50/50 custody and I have primary custody of my kids). We’ve only been doing it for a short time. For me, it’s been a relief and it reconfirms my feelings that living together is not right right now…and I am not sure when it will be, which makes me wonder about the future. The kids are all ok and are happy to have more time with their parents and I am happy to have more time to give my kids.
The downside is that my BF is sad a lot and I am having doubts about the future. I would hate to put him through this separation for nothing and have a slow painful breakup.
Trying to be hopeful but it is hard. I feel like if this doesn’t work out I am not sure I can ever go there again. How could I feel so right about things and end up this way?
There are also financial issues for my BF similar to yours…the thing is if you weren’t around he would still have financial issues…it’s really not on you, know what I mean? He had to deal with that issue before you…
I’m sorry you’re struggling…hugs to you…
Take comfort in knowing ( to
Take comfort in knowing ( to all of you in her position ) the right answer will come to you. DOn't stress over which path to take. The light will go off in your head and a clear answer of what you truly want to do will come to you. The first is really following your guy instinct.
Purpleflower