Not sure if I'm fit to fill a Step Father role
Well, first off, I'm a first time poster here, and if there is any common courtesies as a first timer that I am disregarding, I apologize and don't hesitate to point them out so I can accommodate. I will also fore warn you that this post is quite lengthy. Please bare with me.
Now the, the topic at hand...
Up to very recently in my life, I had been a cliche "bachelor." Live by myself, just me and the pooch, no aspirations to have kids, not even sold on the whole marriage thing, just kinda "flying by the seat of my pants." Not irresponsibly, but with no real responsibilities. Pretty much doing what I wanted, as I wanted, with only the bank account to answer too. Hadn't even been in a relationship for over 2 years. Then I meet her. I was at the coast for the weekend for 4 day pool tournament. She's there for a 3 day "Girls weekend out." We hang out, she introduces me to some of her friends she's there with, we share some drinks, a few dances, exchange numbers, do the same the following night, and come sunday, we say Goodbye, and go our seperate ways. (As part of meeting out of town, we do unfortunately live about 100 miles apart, so currently only see each other on weekends.) Now, I assumed that that would be it, a nice weekend, but didn't expect much to come from it. Then, the following week, she texts me one night. We then have some phone conversations over the next week and a half, and she invites me down for a visit. At this point, I am aware that she has an 11 year old son (it's his dad's weekend at this time). This is something that concerns me and I have absolutely zero experience with, but also realize that at this point in my life, the likely hood of meeting and dating single or divorced mothers is greater than not. So I visit. We have a great weekend together. We start talking virtually daily, and do it again on her next free weekend, and the next, and so on.
Now skip ahead a few months, we've been seeing each other consistently on her free weekends, sharing traveling duties, and talking/texting daily, and the time comes to meet the boy. We've now been seeing each other for about 7 months, and just about every weekend since Junior and I meeting each other. The relationship between her and I has been great. Hell, I'm flat crazy about her, and she seemingly feels strongly for me. The relationship between June bug and I isn't bad. He doesn't seem to dislike me or resent me. But the kid drives me nuts!! Not intentionally, and he's not a particularly bad kid, and it's not all him. In some aspects, the way she handles him doesn't make sense to me. Now, I come from hard ass parents, so that's the only way I know, and I'm sure a lot of it comes from the fact that A. He's an only child, and B. Divorces are hard on kids and maybe she's trying to take it easy on him because of that? I dunno for sure. Again, I have no experience with this.
A lot of things that annoy me may seem petty to those who are used to having kids around, and they probably are. There is no major issues, just all the little things that irritate me that causes a rift between her and I, and some of it maybe typical for an 11 year old boy, but I just feel like when the 3 of us are spending time together, especially when he is at my house, but it applies anywhere, that I am kinda of walking on eggshells. His dad from what I understand has always been kind of uninvolved, and never made an effort to get him into anything, so mom was left to do it all, so because of that, he's kind of "soft", and can be very whiny. That bugs me. He only seems to have 2 hobbies, TV and video games. But, whenever he's watching something on TV, he's like a frikkin zombie. You have to acknowledge him 3, 4 times, the last time at a very elevated volume, before he even turns his head and responds with a "what?" That bugs me. Because he has no real hobbies, even when I do make the effort to try and entertain and connect with the kid, it often has no effect and he complains because he's either bored, or doesn't like whatever it is that we're doing. That disappoints me. Mom pretty much lets him control the TV at home and he watches all his kiddie shows and cartoons whenever he wants. I guess that's fine, except when he's at my place he expects to do the same, and if I don't let him he goes and pouts in "his" bedroom, and then maybe Mom gets mad at me, maybe not. Now, there is 3 TV's in my house, but, I'll be nice and let him have my big, nice TV in the living room, and I'll go watch the football game in the other room, because I don't want to watch the Disney channel or Sponge Bob or whatever. And I think by doing so that I'm being nice, but Mom still gets upset with me because I "don't get it," or "that's what kids like to watch." Well that's fine, I don't. There's other TV's, I'll watch another one. I thought I was being nice by giving him the big one. Maybe I'm wrong. Um, he's not good at picking up after himself. He just kinda leaves crap laying around wherever it was that he touched it last. I guess that's fine at his house, but I'm kind of on the tidy side and don't like crap laying around (maybe an oxymoron for a bachelor, but some of my friends think I'm a bit OCD), so when he's here, I expect him to pick up after himself. When he doesn't and I say something about it, she plays the "that's how kids are" card. Well to me, kids are only that way if you let them be. He doesn't pick his stuff up because he knows that you will. And PLEASE, please correct me if I'm wrong, because if I am, than I owe my girlfriend an apology. And some of that disciplinary stuff probably comes from the fact that we haven't really established, and not sure if we've reached a point yet where it's appropriate, a real control boundary. Anytime I do say something too him in a negative manner, or something in that realm, I have to worry about her getting mad at me. So I try not too, but then when I do it's usually worse because I'm already irritated and have been keeping it in, so then she does get mad at me because I'm being an A-hole. It just seems like it's 100% on my shoulders to adjust and conform, and if I can't then I'm out. I haven't felt too much help or effort in return. In many ways, I feel it would be a lot easier if he were younger, that way I could have a lot more influence and say in things. But as it is, I have to adapt the both of their habits and ways, because at this point there is no changing it.
I completely realize that some of these things probably stem from the fact that we are a hundred miles apart, and only see each other on the weekends, and every other weekend as far as the boy and I. But she has her house on the market as part of the divorce settlement, and has expressed great interest in re-locating to my area. Now, I am very willing to try and be involved, and show him and try to get him interested in the "guy stuff" that his Father has neglected doing, but he needs to show the interest in return, and thus far hasn't. And it's one thing to adjust to having Junior around every other weekend. It's whole other issue to adjust to having him every day.
So the question is, if I don't want to lose the girl, who I'm crazy about, how do I handle the boy?
EfJay - Wow - I could have
EfJay - Wow - I could have written your blog!! Except, I was the "bachelor" and my DH (at the time boyfriend) had his child 50/50. We didn't live 100 miles apart - only 15 - so I did get to see his daughter a lot once we both went more serious.
The way you described your life prior to meeting your GF was me - exactly.
The way you feel about your SS is how I used to feel about SD. She was very territorial about her dad. She was kind of withdrawn and only liked to read or watch tv. She ate like a guy (no offense) and it used to drive me crazy that she would be slurping and chewing with her mouth open! She was a tough kid to get to know.
When I would talk to DH at the time, he would say the same - "that's how kids are"... and I was like you, where I felt the need to make my feelings known. But I did have to pick my battles and I had to fight both my boyfriend and his daughter at the time. For example, when it came to her eating habits, I'd tell her that I don't need to be able to hear her eat from the next room! And when BF would get mad at me..I'd tell him that I'm trying to HELP his daughter. Eventually she's going to go on a date and her date will not want her to be eating like a truck driver!! (No offense to truck drivers, some of them are my very good friends!!)
So I think you have to figure out which battles to fight #1... and then get your GF on your side before approaching SS with it.
The next thing I would suggest is that you can't go right in and try to get this kid to be interested in stuff you want him to be interested in. Get him to trust and like you first... and then he will be more receptive to what you want him to take a look at. You don't have to watch Spongebob (Although I did and loved it!!) ... but you could find a video game or show he likes and find out ways to relate to him on that level. This boy hasn't had enough time to adjust to you - as a person dating his mom - let alone as a person trying to do male role model things with him. It's going to take TIME.
One other thing that helped me with my SD is that my BF finally gave me the permission to pick up his daughter from school. So on Mondays and Wednesdays, when I was home, I would pick her up. That 1/2 hour in the car, of just us talking about her day, what they learned in school, etc. opened the door to a lot of communication for us. So, maybe on one of your weekends, you and your SS go out for a little male bonding time at a game arcade or something??? PLAY with him.
Best of luck to you. It's a super long hard road and I so related to what you wrote about your life before meeting your SO. So all I can wish you is best of luck... and WELCOME!! ST should be a great resource for you!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
DPW- If things didn't
DPW- If things didn't change, and it was like this all the time, I'm not sure. They were both visiting this weekend and left during a dispute, and I was left with the task of soul searching, trying to decide if I can be "that guy". She even left the big Poinsettia I bought for her and shaking her head no when I asked her if she was taking it as she walked to her car.
Stick- Very good advice. Thanks. The "male bonding" thing is something I have thought about, but haven't felt comfortable enough yet to do. Right now need to make sure the BF/GF relationship is safe, then maybe talk that over with her.
I can't really say if you
I can't really say if you should try this or not but I will say that I hope you are thinking with the right head. This sounds to me like a nightmare in the waiting with you coming out on the losing end. I like yourself was single and living by myself and used to having my things the way I wanted them and not having to worry about cleaning up behind anyone. At this point I find myself cleaning behind the woman of the house and she is suppose to be setting an example. Right about now I am miserable in my own home. I just had an altercation with my stepson who is almost 21 for disrespecting me and had to punch him in his face to remind him who he was talking to. I want him out of this house so bad. His mother is I guess typical in taking his side on this but right is right. At this point I want them all to leave. I miss having my peace and quiet and privacy. I don't have kids of my own and thank god because as bad as I wanted a family when I was younger, I don't want one now. It's gotten to the point where I hate the sight of this kid and just want him to get away from me. I know that if he ever tries that crap again, next time I won't hold back on my punch. I don't need this at 42 or any other age for that matter.
I feel like I am not appreciated for things I have done to try and add to the happy family life. But what do you do when the mother is on the phone with him cursing me out because he was disrespectful and got checked on it. Now strangely enough, my SD calls me daddy and I never asked her to but she does. She sees her BF every other weekend which is cool with me because we get a free weekend. What good is that when I am here arguing with her about her idiot son who 100% gets on my nerves. Please do yourself a favor. Do not do this to yourself because even though you are crazy about her, trust me, you can find someone else with less drama. Just my advice. As soon as I can, I am going my separate way and never want to look back.
Maybe too little too late.
Maybe too little too late. Later last night, a few hours after writing this post, I received a 4 page text from my lady. She said we should take a step back, that she now can see that she's not the right girl for me, that it's unrealistic for me in my position to take in a child that is not mine, and she doesn't think that I will ever be able to make the necessary changes, and she might call me in a few days. And maybe she's right. I just wasn't ready to give up so soon.
I guess I'll just have to try and wait it out in the meantime, and see where we stand and if I can still make this work, but perhaps I should have tried a little harder, a little sooner?
Don't move into a place
Don't move into a place together until you are sure of this and then only after getting married. Frankly I'd recommend against getting further into this. It is going to be the NUMBER ONE change you will ever make in your lifetime. Unless you're sure you're capable to live your life around this relationship don't do it.
You're going to be the intruder for a long time but this doesn't mean you have to give ground on everything. The TV for instance. Designate it as the adult TV and anytime a adult wants to watch TV they have first right over it. Like someone said "choose your battles" but once chosen make sure you win. You are the adult right?
If you do go into this try what I did:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
At the risk of repeating myself think very carefully about going into this. The worst yet most rewarding part of raising this kid is in the future. Until now one could tell him to shut up or whatever, from now on he's going to test every boundry and you're going to find this very trying.
It takes a mother to raise a boy but it takes a father to raise a man. You instincitvely know this but when you try to inject something Mom is likely going to thwart you. When that happens remember he's not your responsibility.
Orange County, I love your
Orange County, I love your response and your attitude. That is exactly what it has come to for me. I told my wife that I no longer will be having those conversations with her son about school. As a matter a fact, I don't want to have to say anything to him at all at this time because even after after that incident happened with him getting punched in the face, he still hasn't found the balls to come to me and talk about it or apologize for disrespecting me. At first I was going to approach him then thought about it and decided he should be the one to make that move. If he was man enough to disrespect me in my home he should be man enough to step forward and apologize. In the meantime I removed his cable box from his room because why should I pay for him to lay up and watch TV. He's a big man right? He can pay for his TV. His mother informed me tonight that I cannot kick him out before Feb of 2011 since two years was the initial agreement we made back in Feb of this year until he decided he was moving to Florida the beginning of the year. I told her fine as long as he doesn't try that again because if he does he will get the same result and I don't care if she gets mad. She said she was going to talk to him about school again and I told her good luck because I won't be in that conversation. I have removed myself from that and like you, I am not investing myself, time or money towards him until he grows up which by then he should be able to provide for himself.
Most parents are protective
Most parents are protective about their kids , and that means to a parent who involves themselves with a new relationship , at some point you two will have a disagreement about something her kid does or says , you as a step parent - per say , will have to understand her status and know your status in the relationship when it comes to the kid , knowing your place and being able to except it are 2 different things , being single for so long - you may be set in your Ole ways and some of those attributes don't really come out in a long distant relationship , so for her to move into your world and for you to interrupt what your use to with not one but 2 people , 2 new personalities , you may want to reevaluate and weigh out your options , its no longer about you if she moves in , there will need to be give & take - compromise - and sharing .. Are you able to do these things ?