Q'n - Is it easier being a Step Dad living with Step Kids or a Step Mum.....

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Q'n - What do you think, is it easier being a Step Dad living with Step Kids day in day out or is it easier being a Step Mum and only have the Step Kids every other weekend (or whatever the arrangement is)?

I have been the primary Dad

I have been the primary Dad in my SS-17's life for more than 16 years. BioDad gets ~7-8wks per year. My Son (SS) spends only a few days per year with BioDad and the rest of the visitation with SpermGrandMa.

Thought not without its trials and tribulations, being his nearly full time Dad has been a great joy for me.

So, I think full time Sparenting is actually easier than part time Sparenting. Not that I have any part time Sparenting experience.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

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Very situational. I'm a

Very situational. I'm a stepmum and the kids live here all the time sans 3 days every other weekend... Best job ever.. they're awesome kids

I think it is easier to be a

I think it is easier to be a full time step dad, then a part time step mom.. Its hard to feel invaded when your skids come for a visit.. It feels like a stranger is in your home, eating, sleeping and in my case going through my personal things.. I feel very violated and like my privacy is invaded.. She is a stranger to me, she is not mine, I do not marvel in her every word or action.. It is very hard to have a stranger here... I think skids EOW are very hard to deal with especially as a mom of all boys having a girl come into my home.. I have no desire or idea how to deal with her..
Full time skids have to be easier because you get to know them, learn their emotions, behaviors, and how to deal with them and form a real relationship with them.

Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare... Ed Asner

I get the points but I think

I get the points but I think there are upsides for only have the StepKids on a part-time basis too.

A couple of examples...

You are the good guys, the ones that make that every other weekend special and do the nice stuff, don't tell them off as much, give them what they want, spoil them more etc etc.

You don't have to run them everywhere 24/7.

You can go on holidays as a cple or with your own family (yes you have a choice to take them but if you only see them say every other weekend then the opportunity is there.

If you don't have kids you can go out whenever you want.

You don't have to worry about the CS coming in each month.

There are more but these are just examples...

I find it incredible that

I find it incredible that some people complain about CS going out. what do they expect, that a farther can just walk away without any financial responsibility to his children ? Also when you got involved with a dad with children you know that they have to financially look after his children, you also know what impact that financial commitment should have on your life because I would presume that to marry someone or be with them long-term you know what sort of income they earn and what quality of life you culd lead.

In your case, I don't agree with that, if you had them for the month then maybe you shouldn;t have paid the CS for that month - seems fair to me.

I think the reason behind

I think the reason behind complaining about the CS going out is because the CS laws are so unfair. The state that handles my DH's CS states that the BD is financially responsible for 60% and the BM is on responsible for 40%. How fair is that? Because if BM & BD would remain together the financial burden would be split 50/50. Plus the CS laws don't take into account the fact that BM & BD get remarried. They only consider it if the BD has children with the new wife. I don't think anyone has ever said that BD shouldn't pay CS. I think everyones main complaint about CS is that the laws regarding CS should be more fair. Because 9 times out of 10 the amount of CS the BD has to pay is ridiculous. And my DH has actually been threatened by the CS worker that if he took a less paying job in the future (even if it was not by choice), that they would order him to pay a CS amount based off of the employer where he made the most money. How is that fair? That is why everyone who is on the CS going out side complains about it. Not because they feel there SO shouldn't have to pay it.

The financial burden wouldn't

The financial burden wouldn't be split 50/50 though. It would be split according to each partner's income - which is how CS laws are written as far as I understand. And even under the law, a judge can order a lesser amount (this spoken from experience - the CS I received briefly from my XH was less than half the amount "required" under the law).

I totally agree with you

I totally agree with you Crayon. I think that anytime a couple gets divorced & there are kids involved, they should have 50/50 custody with no CS. Because how is it fair for one parent to have full custody and the other to have just visitation? It isn't and it isn't fair to the kids involved.

And according to your figures....my DH has paid for everything for the BM & Skids for the past 10 years. In total my DH gave BM $50k in ten years for 2 kids. Boy would I like to know where that money went.

Devil's advocate here...What

Devil's advocate here...What if the BM is making 200k a year while your DH only makes 40k? DH shouldn't be get any CS from her? with 50/50? DH has to split the cost of their kids in sports, orthodontics, split health insurance, college? Do you still think this is fair? How about for the kids?

See, when I look at it this way....I would so help my XH fiancially because it benefits the kids. I'd probably take on the bulk of the expenses as well. I'd put him through professional training so he can make more money. More money he makes for himself is more money for the kids, and more money in my pocketbook later on. I wouldn't care if its 50/50. I'd see that I would be benefiting everyone. I would be giving the best life I could possibly give my kids with or without my marriage ending with their dad.

Hmm... I wonder if this is the same attitude our DHs have.

Chicka, Your perspective is

Chicka,

Your perspective is ideal. I think the problems come in to play when one XSpouse or the other gets stupid. For some reason it seems that often one side or the other is either trying to avoid responsibility for supporting their kids or attempting to screw the X out of every possible dime.

Your financial perspective on this is very accurate in my experience. My Wife is a BS/MBA/CPA and makes good money. SS-17 is an only child in our home. BioDad is an intermittently employed plumber (voluntarily because he thinks it lowers his CS obligation to show a low W-2) with 4 out-of-wedlock spawn by 3 mothers (my SS is his oldest).

Since my wife has a professional career and regularly increasing income her % of financial responsibility for the Skid increases. Though BioDad's % of financial responsibility goes down (slightly) as my wife's income goes up the total $s available for CS increases. Interestingly the amount of money available for CS between my Wife and BioDad's incomes increases faster than BioDad's % financial responsibility for my Skid decreases and his CS goes up every time he attempts to get it lowered.

Of course we don't explain to him why this is and pretty much let him shoot himself in the wallet every time he requests a modification of judgement in an attempt to lower CS.

I wish all sides in every blended family situation could realisticially implement your perspective. Of course there is not a snowballs chance in hell of my Wife investing in some kind of training or education for BioDad. Nor would I in any way be supportive of it. She and I have done way to much work to finish college, Grad school and professional certs to give that worthless POS a dime.

Best regards,

What about if the BM did not

What about if the BM did not work when the BM and BD were together, she gave up a career that she can't get back into to look after their home etc??

How can you split the financial responsibility 50 / 50 then?

Okay...What if she or he

Okay...What if she or he get's a job and is neither a nutcase nor a bad parent?

I can't open this but I

I can't open this but I presume it is saying go get a job?

If so (and apoligies if it is not)that is just a crazy answer to the fact that the BM doesn't work ! Times are tough, if you havn;t worked for years you are not gonna get paid much and most BM's who went back to work would earn practically nothing nowadays.

And....who is going to pick the kids up from school, drop them off in the morning, run them to clubs, pick them, run to friends houses and back, feed them etc whilst BM is at work ?

If have young kids its a nursury (costs fortunes). Maybe a nanny (costs fortunes)

I think you will find that it might be more in CS for the BD if you go down that route. A BM's salary nowadays would not go anywhere towards that cost and I am sure the BD would have to pay towards this cost ?

I actually work 12 hours a

I actually work 12 hours a day, my alarm goes off at 5.30aM every morning, I am in work by 7.30AM every morning and home about 7.30PM.

How can you both work 50+ hours a week and do all that? Can't be done without help surely. Kids in school by 8.30 ish and picked up 3pm ish....

The only way you could do it is if you are both in flexible jobs, where you can get in late and leave early and I am sure that is not the norm.

Other than that there is no way you can do it, I think your case is not a usual one.....to work full time from even 9 AM to 5pm would make it impossible...

And how much is day care ?

I can tell you how I do it -

I can tell you how I do it - I get up at 5:30 am, get ready for work, get DD ready for school, drive her to school early for the early morning care which I pay for, then she goes to school, then she is bussed to the YMCA for after school care where I pick her up between 5 and 6 pm.

Is it fun or easy? Hell no. But it's my responsibility.

We have court ordered 50/50

We have court ordered 50/50 and because of the great disparity in income between dh and Wingnut, he still has to pay $900 a month in cs. I have no problem with him supporting his child. Here's my problem. DH earns more because he busted his ass and continues to do so. She doesn't want to support herself or her kid. She thought the kid was her early retirement plan. Fine, I see the court's point "he was okay with her lazy ass ways when they were married". I can even swallow that BUT when she has primary custody with was 75% of the overnights each month, he had to pay full support. When he got 50/50 custody, the calculation only lets him account for 30% of that time, so his reduction wasn't 1/2 but 30%. So that bugs me. NOW Wingnut finally has to get a J-O-B and decides that she doesn't want to drive in traffic so she takes a 2nd shift job. Nice for her but that means she isn't home when her kid is home. She works T-F 3-11pm and sunday 3-11pm. We're supposed to have SD Wed 6pm - Fri 6pm one week and Wed 6PM - Mon 6PM the following week for a 5-5-2-2 split, but since Wingnut CHOSE to work in the evening we have SD Tues 4pm - Sat 8am, Sun 2:30pm - Monday 8am. So we have her 75% of the time, but we're NOT considered primary custodians. We're still "sharing" custody and still have to pay her CS. Look at those times again. She has the kid twice a week from 8am Sat (after we feed her breakfast, bathe her and clothe her) until 2:30pm Sunday (so we get her back in time for dinner) and Monday 8am (after we feed her breakfast, bather her, and clothe her) until 12noon on Tuesday when she goes to school. Plus she is in school for 4 1/2 hours on Monday and about one weekend a month we keep SD all weeknd (so she loses Sat. and 1/2 of Sunday). So she has her 15 nights over TWO months, never has to feed her three meals a day and has to bathe her twice a week. We pay for medical / dental insurance and all prescriptions and copays (because Wingnut isn't allowed to take her to the pediatrician) $900 a month in CS What exactly are we paying for?

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

I can only speak for my SO.

I can only speak for my SO. I believe that it's easier for him, being a SD, than it is for me being a part time SM. He has been a part of my daughter's life since she was a baby, and she calls him "dad". She is here full time, and only visits with her father maybe 4 times out of the year, because it's long distance. My ex never causes any problems in our home, aside from being irresponsible... there isn't a lot of "drama" and he doesn't disrespect my SO in any way. It was a very smooth transition. We have my SD 50% of the time, and deal with a mentally unstable BM. I'm home with SD and BD while my SO goes to work during the week. SD is a very confused little girl and cries daily about missing her mother while she's here, cries daily about missing her father while she's there, and has a lot of emotional baggage that resulted from the fall out of their relationship.

1)Full time: Being a full

1)Full time:
Being a full time step-parent is easier because you're taking on the role of replacing the bio-parent who isn't there. You're truly filling in the shoes of being a mom or a dad to your step-kids. You're more likely honored and loved by the spouse and kids involved. You're say matters and is rarely confronted and if it is its shot down.

2)Part-time:
With that being said being a part-time is more difficult because the those shoes of that parent are are ready filled. It takes more finess to maintain balance and harmony in your household when the rules/parenting style is being established by primary bio-parent. Depending on the rationale of the bio/step parents it can work but if one feels threatened by the other then it could be next to impossible. Me personally, being in this role as a part-timer to SD, it feels as if I need to be more careful of where i put my foot down or keep my mouth shut.

3)In both cases of full-time and part-time parenting usually the stepmother has more of task of raising the s-kids and a threatened biomom. Not to say it's a piece of cake being a step father, i'm sure it isn't, but roles of fathers isn't as intregrately involved with nurturing of children. Women are the caretakers, family planners of the household therefore the predispostion of friction between the bio/step mothers is more prominent.

Chicka, Well said. I think

Chicka,

Well said. I think you nailed it pretty well.

Best regards,

Thanks Rags. I like your

Thanks Rags. I like your insight on things on here. You always give a nice clear prospective on issues

'''Being a full time

'''Being a full time step-parent is easier because you're taking on the role of replacing the bioparent who isn't there.''''

Sorry I can't agree with this comment - being a stepdad is harder when the children (especially if they are girls) still see the BD every other weekend and are still involved in their life. Girls at a young age and all the way up to when they leave home are very much daddy girls. What a stepdad would say just doesn't have any influence at all compared to the BD

Can't agree with this one either....'''With that being said being a part-time is more difficult because the those shoes of that parent are are ready filled. It takes more finess to maintain balance and harmony in your household when the rules/parenting style is being established by primary bio-parent'''+

There are always 2 rules, its impossible to have them the same. Rules at the part-time household are more relaxed because the last thing that any BM or BD would want to d is be very strict with their children when they on't see them often...like I said, the weekends away at BD or BM is fun....

If you want to take on the

If you want to take on the role of being a full time parent without dealins of the X-factor then full time step parenting is easier but only in that regards. Parenting period is just plain difficult bioparent or not.

Parenting is tougher on the moms; bio or not. Usually there's more conflict between the moms not the dads. Women are not only the nurturers we are the protectors of the heart...hince our emotional nature

I see what you're saying as far as fathers to little girls. And definitly Dad's (adult male role models) are extremely important to a child. They are the teachers of the real world.

I think it is easier for

I think it is easier for stepdads than it is for step moms, as it is usually mom who takes care of the household and all tha discipline and organization and cooking and cleaning and if you are trying to do this job with Skids around it just makes it harder because they don't listen to stepmoms and step dads usually don't have to deal with this job!

BUT do the step-dad's hate

BUT do the step-dad's hate being hated? I think most of them shrug it off as a big whatever you're just a kid-mentality. Stepmoms more likely take the dislike to heart therefore let it effect them personally whether it be from the skids or skids mother. Throw in a father who can't keep the xw and wife in check and its modern day warfare.

Stepmoms are the stuff of fairytale nightmares. We have a lot to live up to

Re do the Stepdads hate

Re do the Stepdads hate being hated.

My personal opinion (I don't know if I am)is that it would not bother me that the actual child hates me, what would bother me is her telling all her friends and her friends parents finding out that she hates me.

Kids tend to exaggerate, makes things up that look worse and even twist things. Tells it like they are not to blame for anything.

I guess what I am saying is that unless you really are a Stepdad who is a real bully or abusive one, you are seen as the bad one when what you are oing is just trying to bring them up the best you can and how you would bring up your own child, trying to guide them whats right and whats wrong etc...

I can imagine this is very

I can imagine this is very true, especially if the girls still see their BD.

I also think that girls are generally (not all) very emotional once they get in their teen years, have more attitude, want things more (like clothes, make up, go shopping, sleepovers etc etc) and even tension between the BM's and them are strained, let alone with a StepDad who they probably view as just a hate figure.

After all, who really wants to be told what to do or told off or be told you can't do something by someone who isn't your parent?

Even if your parents are living together you would naturally dislike some other adult telling you off or not letting you do something...

Regaring keeping the

Regaring keeping the household tidy etc....Again depends on how often the Stepmom sees the Stepkids. If its every other weekend (which tends to be the norm) then you are talking about 2 nights out of every 14...thats hardly such a chore compared to a StepDad who has to deal with the Stepchildren 12 nights out of 14, including keeping the house in order etc...

I have been a part-time SM

I have been a part-time SM and now a full-time SM. This is just my opinion, but I think that being a part-time SM is harder than a full-time SM. One reason is because being a part-time SM, I could never enforce rules in my home because Skids would always say something like....well that's not what we do at BMs or we don't have to listen to you because you are not our parent. Now that I am full-time SM, my 1 SD has to listen to me & my rules because there is no running back to BM. And it is also easier because now I can actually build a relationship with SD because I am around her more than every other weekend.

As for which it is easier for....I don't think it is easier for either. Because whether you are a step-dad or step-mom the Skids will constantly compare you to the bio parent. JMO

I agree with Shell that

I agree with Shell that being a fulltime stepmom is easier...for exactly the reasons she stated :....and I also agree with Crayon that a divorced BM should work....situations change in life and a BM cannot expect that a biodad should support her completely given that the family dynamic has changed....my BM plays no CS....now...what if my DH wanted to be a SAHD?.....he'd be laughed at...but a SAHM...oh my....she is needed to be at home for the children....imo, terrible double standard...so we do what most working families do...the best we can,,,and make the best arrangements we can for our kids....BMs can do this too

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

Well when the girls come

Well when the girls come back from being at their dads every other weekend they always say ''but Daddy lets us do that''

There will always be cases

There will always be cases when the amount of CS given by BD is unfair however shouldn;t this all be worked out by the solicitors or courts so it is fair ?

I also think that BD's should contribute extra to one off's like braces because the CS is generally for day to day living. BUT I don think that to just call up and demand it a few days before its due is unreasonable.

I am a full time SM. My DH

I am a full time SM. My DH is the CP, and BM is "supposed" to take the kids EOWE. She has had them for one night in the last six weeks. We receive $200 A MONTH in child support. Yes, I am able to enfore all the rules and boundaries that I want in my house. Yes, my Skids are pretty good kids. But I think being full time has its own set of difficulties. For example- my DH and I haven't had ANY alone time to work on our relationship for six weeks. And even when BM does take the kids when she is supposed to, factor in work commitments and other circumstances (Such as youngest ss deciding he doesn't want to go for visitation) and we have a tough time finding time for each other.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing ets for our family. I run the kids here, there and everywhere. AND I works part time to pay for all of the kids activities- gymnastics, sports, etc, because the CS we receieve from BM isn't enough to cover groceries for the month.

And you know what- I still have people look down on me because I am "ONLY" the stepmum.

So I don't think that being full time is a picnic, either.

stepmomto2 do you think

stepmomto2 do you think you'll be able to go down to part-time in 4 years? When the youngest stepson graduates and the child support stops.

My better half does not

My better half does not 'work' so to speak but IMO she actually works longer hours than me....we have 4 children (14,12,,10 and 3) who are all at seperate schools and on top of all the running around she has to do, she has to look after a house of 6 (I help when I can of course).....the washing machine is on 24/7 for starters !

If she did work there is no way we could cope unless we paid for a nanny or something and I am sure that would cost more than any salary would cover if she went to work !

I think in an ideal world, I

I think in an ideal world, I agree with Crayon. That being said, we have 50/50 the kids live with FH and I 1 week and their BD and SM the next. I have always been a SAHM and I homeschooled our 3 children when we were together and still do. While we were married, I would work when I could usually only part-time as a birth and postpartum doula, sometimes I would *work* at the kids' dance studio so we could get a discount or free classes, etc. EH wanted me to be there for him and the kids and I was. Well, now I am in school working on my MT Certificate so I can work and support myself and kids without EH's help. So right now I am getting what's called Family Support from EH and it isn't tax free I do have to report it as income on my taxes. And he gets a break on his taxes because he pays Family Support. I still homeschool the kids even the weeks they are living with him and I'm still the one that drives them everywhere during the day even on the weeks they aren't living with me. My EH have worked this out and he wants to support the kids while I'm getting myself marketable again. We are working toward the no FS/CS thing slowly but surely. My FH is helping pay off my share of debt from my previous marriage and also gets the kids where they need to be when I am at school. FH has two BK and in addition to supporting my BK and I he pays CS to the BM for them. His 2 BKs live with us EOW. It's not an ideal situation but it's working for all of us so far, the only one it really upsets is EH's wife, but she knew the story going into the relationship with him.

Ascoolasiam

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous

I think it depends on the

I think it depends on the situation. I feel that it's easier for my DH, because he is like a real father to my DD. She lives in his home, follows his rules and he has practically raised her since she was an infant. As a SM, I don't have as much authority over SD, who is constantly being bounced back and forth between mom's house and dad's house. I'm not her mother, she knows I'm not AND I get to deal with a nasty BM. DH doesn't have to deal with my ex at all.

My SD5 has a fulltime SD and

My SD5 has a fulltime SD and a parttime SM (me) and it is definitely easier for me. She loves me and her BM like crazy, she loves her BioD (my DH), but she only tolerates her SD whom she lives with. She often tells negative things about him and she is very disrespectful and dissmissive towards him which we are currently addressing as a parenting team. A big part of it is that it was only her and her BM until she was almost 4 in their household, and then he came in and invaded. (in her mind) He has caused alot of changes in their lives...routines, family traditions, new babies, new rules, new consequences, etc. I have been in her life as SM since she was 10mo. old. She remembers no time before me so she doesnt feel I invade it or that I dont belong there. I have always been her other mom and she just accepts that as normal. She accepts her SD as her other dad but he is not treated by her with the parental authority, respect, and most hurtfully to him love which she heaps on the remaining three of us. I feel bad for him really.

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Q'n - Is it easier being a Step Dad living with Step Kids or a Step Mum.....