first of all...keep the damn fish at your house and solve that problem.

second...you need to tell him that he puts you first.

what i would do is this..i would text him and say "sorry your anger with your FIRST wife is keeping you from spending time with ME. if you look at that you will see it is ridiculous. i am going out by myself on the town to enjoy the evening without you."

He has no right to treat you badly because another woman pissed him off. I would not tolerate that from him. You need to set boundaries and let him know that you will not take the brunt of his ex being an ass. You didn't choose to have a relationship with her, he did and he has to deal with the consequences of that relationship without making you feel bad.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

OMG I had a good giggle at the "she cant handle having to look after three goldfish and their son".

Yes - I wish I had walked away - sorry. If I had known about this site and been able to come here for advice before marrying a man with children, I would never have married him. Although there are some people on here that are doing okay.

It will NEVER be just "us". I wish for that everyday also. NOT that I want any harm to come to any of the skids or BM - I just wish we could have met before they did.

my ex would do this as well. when bm or exsd would do something to piss him off, he would take it out on me.

maybe when he is calmer you can bring it up to him (in a non-confrontational way). then maybe he will stop.

The best answer I can give to this question is that sometimes it is worth it and sometimes it's not. There are days when things are wonderful and you feel close to your skids and truly believe that things will all work out ok and then there are days that you want nothing more than to run down the street screaming. Days when you feel lonely, resentful, angry, bitter and jaded and wish to GOD that you hadn't gotten into this situation. For me if the good days outweigh the bad ones then it is worth it....

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

The fish thing is ridiculous. I gotta say, though, in the BM's defense - fish tanks are a lot of work. If I were a BM and my ex gave my small son a fish tank, I would be pissed -- because who is gonna have to take care of it? ME!

I'm saying that for another reason, though: your BF set something up that was gonna backfire on him. Now he's pissed. And who does he take it out on? You.

Is it worth it? Yes, IF:

1) You have a SO who puts you first and respects your feelings;
2) You have a SO who doesn't allow BM drama to invade your lives;
3) You have a SO who can think far enough in advance to understand causes and effects and how certain interactions with the BM and her household will impact your lives.

If he takes shit out on you, frankly, that's not a step problem. That's a your boyfriend being an asshole problem. If he takes things out on you, then no, it's not worth it. The BM drama just adds to an already not-worth-it situation and makes it potentially hell on earth. Dump him and find someone who knows how to treat you right.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I was ready to walk away when I found out I was pregnant...no, it was no trick...I had been told for over 15yrs I could not get pregnant because of a tumor I had...needless to say, DH was not happy that I was leaving...but I had already told him I could no longer put up with it...as I was trying to get ready to get out or for him to find a place, I started feeling sick...I thought it was my tumor giving me problems again and it ended up I was pregnant...I have stayed for my child and yes, my DH is 95% of the time a great person...but had I not had a child, I would've cut my losses and moved on...

Hi Ladycakes, welcome!

To me.... yes it is worth it. And my situation is not easy or perfect, but I do have the support and love of my SO.

For you, I am only worried because I think this is all so new to your BF that he isn't fully adjusted yet to his life. I do think that the fact that he lets an argument about fish completely get to him to the point where he cancels a date with you... means that he is not fully emotionally distant from his ex. But that doesn't mean that he cares about her. It just means that he is still a little too close to all of that drama to be as "free" as he may need to be to commit to you. Does that make sense? After all, his son is only 3, so he probably isn't too far removed from the ex ... right? Even if he was never "with" her or married to her... they still just went through having a child together a short 3 years ago.

Having said that, please don't write him off as that he WILL be a "guilty daddy" or whatever you may read about on this site. That remains to be seen, as far as I can tell.

My questions for you are:

How much do you want to work at this? How many sacrifices do you want to make? And how many sacrifices can you make without getting bitter toward him or feeling that you "missed out"? How long has he been separated and how long have you guys been together? How much do you want this? Are you ready to give up your freedom as you know it? You are going to have to work around a child that is not yours. And some may say you don't have to.. but that's not reality. The reality is... if your DH is a good father, he may have to break plans with you because his son needs him, or he has his kid dropped on him by BM at the last minute, or he has no money because he is supporting his child. That all affects you and if it is going to drive you crazy, then maybe this isn't the life for you. You are going to have to deal with this man and his child AND HIS EX for the next 15 years - at least.

As much as I love my family, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. My life is not my life anymore. It's okay for me because I have a goal in mind.

(Hugs) girl... best of luck to you. Please let us know what you are thinking!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

For me, yes I would do it again in a heartbeat and it is oh so worth it.

For you ???????? Not so much. IMHO.

The problem is that your DH is a child who has not grown up and takes his tantrums out on the one person who will tolerate him. In the case of your DH there is probably a reason why he has an XW and has to live apart from his kid. Though I am sure his XW is no gem either.

You do not deserve his crap and he is far from deserving of you. STOP PACKING YOUR THINGS!!!! Just call an emergency lock service and change the locks. That should provide your asshole husband with clarity when he gets home. Let him figure out where to live and you keep the house. He does not seem all that interested at being there anyway.

IMHO of course.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

pack and go. and maybe break some of his crap on the way.

My heart breaks for you. Take Rags' advice. His advice is so right on, there is nothing more that I can add. Please let us know how you're doing. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

Lady Cakes - Honey - Congratulations... Now you don't have to worry about making a tough decision - he made it for you. As Belle said, he did you a favor.

Believe me... I say this with all my heart... you will not only move on... you will have a better , happier , more fulfilling life!

When I read your update, I was going to write what I hardly ever write, and that is... GET OUT NOW! But now, I don't have to.

Chin up and lots of hugs and love to you girl. I once was devastated by a man so badly I did not date or sleep with anyone for 2 years. And then.... I opened myself back up to life and it was beautiful.

Think of what you don't have to put up with - the Ex... unsolicited anger... and him being a douche bag to you for no reason! Yay! So again - congratulations!

((( HUGS )))

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

LadyCakes... In my opinion, it is now time for you to play a game with yourself and to help yourself work at getting past this.

I have done this myself and have also suggested it to friends going through a break-up.

From this point forward, for a while, please don't look at "big picture" future. For example, please don't look at the communication as "never again".

I would like to see if you can try to just get through each day and that is all you will concentrate on ... each day.

Wake up and think about what you have to do for the day, what your obligations are, when you can rest, etc. Take care of YOURSELF. And for every day that you don't call him, give yourself some kind of "reward". It can be anything. Going to bed early, a hot bubble bath, mani/pedi or whatever. You could even put $1 in a jar every day and then take that money after a month and buy yourself a new dress or pair of shoes!!

This is the mind over matter test... and you can do it. Some days will be harder than others, but you can do it. And eventually, it won't be hard at all... !!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

LC,

My most ardent hope for you is that in fact you have had your last communication with the POS X. Let him be the one to agonize when you don't return his texts/calls/e-mails. You have a key, when he is at work go get your stuff. Take someone with you so take pictures of what you took and what you left. That way if he gets shitty with you in the future about what is his Vs what is yours you have some documentation/proof to take to court if neccessary.

Hang in there, it will start feeling better soon.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Ladycakes, I am so sorry that you're going through this - you absolutely DID NOT DESERVE how your BF (now exBF) was treating you. He was treating you this way because you have most likely allowed him to treat you this way in the past, am I close?? You had absolutely NOTHING to do with why he is pissed about the whole fish tank thing. The fish tank & everything surrounding it was just a "symbol" for how things are in his life since his divorce/breakup from his ex - CHAOTIC!!! He seems to just be a miserable person who was looking for someone to "control" since he didn't seem to have much control in his dealings with his ex.

I certainly agree with the above posters when they said your BF was not completely detached from his exW. I think we can all speak from experience about how a man acts & treats a woman that he loves with his WHOLE HEART once he is at that point. I'm sorry to say this, because I know how painful it must be to face, but it definitely appears that your BF was not over his ex. If they were completely detached (emotionally), he would really care less about his exW not wanting the fish tank there. He would've either just agreed to move it to his own house, which would've just solved the problem completely, or found another alternative that didn't involve his exW at all. The fact that he felt it was his place to find someone to remove the dead fish for his ex is a sign that he still needs to come to her "rescue" - she's the "damsel in distress" and he still feels obligated to "fix" things for her. If he didn't care about her anymore (other than just caring about the basic fact that she's his kid's mother), he wouldn't feel the need to "fix" things for her - he would just let her deal with it...and she eventually would've figured out how to remove the dead fish herself (or would've called someone else to do it for her). It's a classic manipulation tactic by a lot of exW's/BM's and your guy fell hook, line and sinker for it.

Then when things with his exW/BM go wrong, he takes it out on you - because you've probably been his "punching bag" (not literally) in the past and unlike BM, you take it and don't give him a hard time about it. Meaning it is much easier for him to risk pissing YOU off than it is for him to piss HER off and have to deal with her wrath.

You seem like a nice person and from your posts, you did absolutely NOTHING to deserve this. I agree with Stick above - try to remember all the things that made you feel unhappy & tired of it all to help you get through this - it will make it easier. Remember EXACTLY how you felt when you tried to help him and he called you a C*NT (totally unacceptable in my book, that's a dealbreaker), EXACTLY how you felt when he called you from the firehouse & stood you up for your dinner date because he had a fight with his ex, EXACTLY all the frustration of how you felt even though you don't DESERVE to feel that way, EXACTLY how you felt when you read his "breakup text" (which, by the way, he's nothing but a coward for texting that - be a man and say it to your FACE...oh wait, that would require him to actually have to FACE a problem and RESOLVE IT or at least DEAL with it instead of blaming YOU for everything).

So I suppose today is Day 2 1/2 or so for you...be strong, keep going. Take ONE DAY at a time. DO NOT CALL OR TEXT HIM about your furniture. Let him wonder what you're doing, if you're going to come get the furniture, who you're spending your time with, etc... Let him simmer in his own stew. RESIST ANY URGE TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM or you will be "pulled" back in. We can ALL certainly relate to how "empty" and "lonely" you're feeling - we've all been through a breakup & how it feels...it just sucks, there's no other way to say it. You may wonder if he's home, if he's at the firehouse, if he's with his son, what they're doing, but DON'T CALL OR TEXT HIM!! I agree with BB that it will just show him that he can treat you like shit and literally DUMP you and you'll still be there waiting for him and you'll take him back. No lesson learned.

I know you feel that you've "invested" 2 years of your life in him & all the drama that comes with him, and that you've tried to always do the right thing, but please don't see that as making 2 yrs. of mistakes. Try to see it as 2 years of a learning experience. We all take the good with the bad. You will learn from this. You will take from this breakup the lesson of exactly how you DON'T ever want to be treated in a future relationship. You will eventually look back and be proud of how you were and understand that the problems were HIS, not yours. You tried to love him no matter what "baggage" he came with, but he wasn't capable of appreciating you. Not your fault.

By the way, I have a soft spot in my heart for you - I, too, am a lawyer (or "solicitor" as you call it in the UK) and I, too, came from a "poorer" background and busted my butt to put myself through college, law school, the Bar Exam (which here in New York is VERY difficult to pass...and I passed on the first try!!). I know how it feels to work so hard for what you want in life. Also, I live with my BF and we live in his house also (dating for over 6 years, living together for 2) and coincidentally my BF is also a firefighter!! They say there are a lot of lawyer/firefighter or doctor/firefighter combinations out there...lol. My BF was married to BM for 10 yrs. before me and they had 2 kids together (SD15 & SS12). Also, our BM seems to be just like yours - lazy, doesn't work, never tried to get an education or better herself, just lives off CS & leeching off of whomever else she can (I read your post asking if anyone felt YOU should help pay for SS's private education). I don't pay for ANYTHING for my BF's kids unless I want to treat them to something (i.e. ice cream to reward them for a good grade). His kids, his responsibility...and his ex's. If SHE cannot afford to go 1/2 on an expense for kids, I guess they have to do without - NO GUILT. That's called life. If BM chooses to not work or if she cannot afford to pay for something for HER kids, then that's on her, not you. You should NEVER feel guilty or obligated to his kids just because YOU bust your butt and earn a decent living - your hard work should pay off for YOU and you can do whatever you want with your $$$. If his ex won't go 1/2 with him, that's HIS problem, not yours.

I can relate to SOME of the aspects of your relationship because of those similarities, but NOT to the aspects of what seems to be abusive behavior (him yelling at you, calling you a C*NT, blaming you for "not understanding" his problems with the fish tank when you tried to help him, etc...). I think we ALL go through the doubting & questioning of whether or not a relationship will work after 2 years (especially when skids & psycho BM's are involved), and I can certainly tell you I did. But if my BF did any of THOSE things to me, it would've made my decision a lot easier, and I would've gotten out at that point - I would've RUN!!

Good luck & please don't hesitate to PM me if I can help you get through this. We're all here for you!!! Be strong!! I know you have it in you - by going through law school & becoming a lawyer, it takes DETERMINATION AND STRENGTH!! You have it, so USE it!!

Remember the old Milomom mantra: "You will only be treated the way you ALLOW yourself to be treated."

((((LADYCAKES))))

Ladycakes:

To be blunt, you are in for a lifetime of misery if you stay with this guy. This is what is called a "honeymoon phase" -- it is when an abuser, to re-establish control of the person he is abusing, gives her a crumb of kindness so she'll come groveling back. Usade is right: that phrasing "I can't let you keep getting me worked up" is soooo blaming you for his own problems. You did not get him worked up. He has a ridiculously out of control temper. If you go back to him, you are telling him that it is okay for him to treat you like this, and then to BLAME you for it.

It makes me physically ill to think that you might consider going back to this man. Please read up on emotional abuse.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

look at your words!!! "do you stillnot want me?"

you are groveling for the attention of a man who would beat you when you were down!

what are you doing? WHY???

THIS IS A BOOTY CALL!!!!!!

As a guy who has been through several breakups during my life ........ I know one when I see one.

He is hurting and wants to feel better. But, more than anything he is going through Cake stuff withdrawals and wants a Booty Call.

Do not give back the few days of separation and healing that you have been through. Resetting will just force you to start over on the hurt and grieving when his juvenile crap starts up again. Tell him you are done and move on.

IMHO of course.

Good luck and best regards

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

LC,

Dear Abby had some advice on her column recently that you may find useful.

DEAR TORN APART: When a man tells you things have moved too quickly and he needs time and space, that is what you have to give him. He may care for you, but unless you give him the chance to miss the comforts you provide him, what you want won't happen. And the harder you try to cling, the more it will drive him away.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

I would say he needs to separate himself from this situation with BM. He doesn't need to speak to her if she's going to be so rude and just upset him. He should just not talk to her unless she is going to be decent. He definitely doesn't need to be going over there and helping her get rid of the fish. Let that woman do it herself. Sounds like he is still caught up in an old fight and is not ready for a new relationship.

"The best answer I can give to this question is that sometimes it is worth it and sometimes it's not. There are days when things are wonderful and you feel close to your skids and truly believe that things will all work out ok and then there are days that you want nothing more than to run down the street screaming. Days when you feel lonely, resentful, angry, bitter and jaded and wish to GOD that you hadn't gotten into this situation. For me if the good days outweigh the bad ones then it is worth it...."

Ditto this 100%

Ugh.

Ladycakes, seriously. Stop letting him blame you and string you along. Read my post about one of two things happening: He did BOTH! he is trying to lure you back (and succeeding) so he can keep using you, AND blaming you for all the problems.

Either you will walk away from this toxic man and toxic situation now, and move on in your life to something better, or you will go back to him, and it will just keep getting worse and worse and worse until you leave him 3 years from now, or 5, or 10, having needed that much more time and that much more abuse to convince you that this is not worth it.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Ladycakes, here is my perspective after having been a step-mother for 11 years.

This whole thing is only worth it IF and only IF your relationship with your partner is really really good. It has to be gold; otherwise, no it's not worth it at all. Of course, no relationship is perfect, I know that but in general, the good needs to overweight the bad.

Your partner has to be fully supportive of you when it comes to his kids, he should always be on your side, unless you do something really wrong of course, he should always have your back and he shouldn't allow his ex or his kids interfer with his relationship with you. Ever.

This is what I have with my DH and I wouldn't have it any other way. To be honest, I wouldn't put up with the stuff your fiance is putting you through. If things are like this now, trust me, they are not going to get any better when you are married.

So, if I were you, I would evaluate your relationship with your fiance very thoroughly and decide if HE is worth all the pain and struggle you are about to go through. Being a step-mother is an awful job I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (well, maybe on a worst enemy I would and it sounds like you have a BM from hell, so your life is not going to be easy, I guarantee you that.

I don't believe the way your fiancee is treating you is right. I would address it with him directly. You need to be strong; otherwise, you are signing up for a life of misery. You need to respect yourself and value yourself and not let anyone make you feel like you are not important or second best.

And no, you are not being selfish for wanting to spend a nice romantic night with your partner! Every relationship HAS to have that to survive!

I agree with others - this is not a step issue. Nobody should treat you this way. NOBODY. It doesn't matter how much you love him, this is unacceptable. You should leave without ever looking back. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts. This is an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship; it's not healthy. Please respect yourself and realize that you deserve much better than this!