How do I get my stepdaughters attention ?

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Ok, I am new to this and really do not know where to begin. I have exhausted all lines of help from my family and friends.

I hope I will be able to expalin the situation and hope that someone out there can relate and give me some advise that I can take home and practice.

After high school, I went to college and grad school. I enjoyed my life and how I was raised. But, with that being said, first and formost, I know that not every child is raised the same way and it is between the biological mother and father on how they raise the child. But, when a divorce plays into the factor things change. I know this because I am a product of a divorced family!

I married a man that has a daugther. I am sure the signs were there before we married...I was just blinded by his love and did not see them. Now, that married life has begun and the day to day stuff like laundry and making beds and taking trash out and emptying the dishwasher and so on and so fourth have set in I am really shocked at how lazy the child is.

She does not know what a trash can is. She will literally throw garabage on the floor in her bed room. She throws clothes on her bedroom floor. I have to beg and plead to get her to take a bath and wash her hair. Now, mind you she is in middle school.

In the mornings, I like for the beds to be made. I addressed this issue with my husband. He straight out told me that she WOULD NOT BE MADE TO MAKE HER BED UP. His reasoning... it is not the childs fault that the divorce happend and she has to get up so early that the last thing he is going to make her do is make her bed. Hello, she gets up at 6:15 a.m. I know other children that have to get up earlier.

She cannot do anything for herself. Supposly, she is suppose to be so outgoing but when we go to church she has to set in between her father and me because she does not want to set by anyone at church. Or when we go out to eat she doesnt want to order her food cause she doesnt want to talk to strangers. or when we are walking places she has to be in between us.

It is like a act of congress to make her take a shower. I have to wash her hair when she is with us in the kitchen sink. This has been going on for about a year. See, she has ear problems and had to get tubes, well since then, the only was she will was her hair is if someone with do it for her. I understand that if water gets in her ears, it might, cause an ear infection. But, this summer she has camps and other activities that requires her to be away from home....what is she going to do then???? And brushing teeth...well I hope she knows what a tooth brush is!

All she does is sets on her room and watches TV. She comes out of the bedroom to eat. And this is EVERY 2 hours. Her famous line is, Whats to eat. Every TIME. I feel like I am a maid!

I have asked her to pick her room up and dust it and then I get this long spill of how she hates to clean.

I really fill like she is babyied too much. My husband and I have discussed having a child together. I want my daugther to be taught responsiblities. I dont know what to do.

Just confused....?

Welcome Just Confused. If I

Welcome Just Confused.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be cleaning up after the SD - my DH would. He could also wash her hair, make her bed, clean her room. If he starts doing this - he will start enforcing rules. Before you have a child together, I would set some household guidelines up or you will become the default cook and maid and that is not fair.

My DH is responsible for his daughter period. She is out of our house now - but when she lived with us - if she didn't clean it up - he did. He also did her laundry. I work full time outside of the home and those were my rules.
Glynne

Yes she seems to be a little

Yes she seems to be a little spoiled and I understand where you are coming from. My SS is lazy like that and he is also in middle school. I have always been the type of parent who likes things a certain way and if you don't do it i'll do it myself. First of all since she isn't your Bio she thinks she doesn't have to do anything you say. Your DH has to put his foot down and make her respect what you want. It is so hared marrying men with children and you never see the ugly side until you say I DO!!

Honestly, choose your

Honestly, choose your battles, if she doesn't want to clean her room, let her rot in it. If she gives you too much trouble to wash her own hair, let her have dirty, smelly hair.

Disengage!! why stress so much about it? Whenever her room needs to be cleaned, you get your husband and tell him to get make her bed, and clean her room since you will not be the child's maid and since he makes so many excuses for her.

Sincerely,

"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"

Guys...thank you all so much!

I'm with Glynne Although I

I'm with Glynne

Although I know you are trying to be "nice" and do the "perfect blended family thing" (been there, tried that....), ultimately she is your H's DAUGHTER and his responsibility. The more you DO, the more you will be expected to DO as time goes on.

And, if you are planning on having your own child, you WILL become resentful over time and SD will become resentful if, all of the sudden, you have these "expectations" of her. YOu'll be the "bad guy". You don't need the aggravation!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

I'm also a member of the

I'm also a member of the lazy SD club and mine is . . . 26 and lives with us. I'm tidy and neat and also like things a certain way.

She used to leave open food in her room, drinking glasses on the floor next to her bed, and I recently had to get on her about putting trash in the can . . not on the floor. Once DH and I went out of town and when we came back home, we smelled a foul odor. She'd left us a note that something was rotting in the fridge - so we could toss it - instead of locating it and throwing it out herself . .that really disgusted DH.

After I put my foot down, DH got on her and she's improved alot over the last few years. Now I'm happily awaiting the day she'll move out.

Ouch....26 is way too old

Ouch....26 is way too old for me to be harbouring a person...dont care if was my dh's daughter. At that age, i would tell her to find her own apartment...anyways..
I completle agree with Glynne. She hit it on the nose. Let your dh handle his daughter and dont have any expectations of her.
ANd sit down with your dh before you have a child and make it very clear about how you will parent your child together. Because if you guys clash and he disagrees to this...then..maybe you should think about things before having a child with this man.
My guess is, if you stop doing things for her and stop cleaning up after her and tell him its his mess to clean up, he will hit his personal limit ont he subject. If it bothers you so much that she doesn't make her bed and leaves her room in a pigsty then do what i did....close the door. Let gooooo....

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