Adult Step Children
My wife's daughter moved to Califorina after she got married. She is 19 and her and I never saw eye to eye while she lived with us. My wife and I have 2 children together that are age 6 and 7. My wife wants to visit her daugher 3-4 times a year and it is not cheap to do so. I want to propose to my wife that if that is her plan then I want seperate our money and bills so I can spend my share of our money on our two children and she can spend all she wants on her oldest. A trip runs 1000 to 1500 a visit for 2-3 days. I do not mind her visiting but I think we have different priorities in life. My question is am I asking for more trouble in asking for seperate accounts or should I just be OK with this spending? She is firm on the 3-4 visits a year.
Be careful what you wish for.
Be careful what you wish for. If you insist on this new seperation, you might live to regret it.
Where does your wife fly to,the Ukraine? Yikes on the fares.
That is correct, the 1000 to
That is correct, the 1000 to 1500 is travel and everything she does while there. Gas, food, entertainment and anything and everthing they need while she visits.
That doesn't sound like a
That doesn't sound like a compromise to me. Fur would fly if my husband tried to dictate when I could see my daughter and what I could spend on her. I work and contribute just as much to our household as he does. In fact, with the child support, aftercare, insurance, un-reimburseed medical expenses and tuition he pays for his kids, I bring in more than he does to our household. when the day comes that he tells me what I can do for my own kids, adult or not, that's the day his stuff is on the lawn.
I don't know what this
I don't know what this family's financial situation is. In our home, we have a household account for household expenses and we each have our own accounts for personal expenses. I don't feel taking your child out for a fun day,knowing that young marriages struggle with finances and couldn't afford to have a fun day, is extravagent. I think it equates to when the husband, who usually is the non-custodial parent, plans outings and spends extra money when his kids come visit. I would never insinuate myself into my husband's decisions on how he wants to spend his money on his children. That's his prerogative.
I guess I feel that I paid to
I guess I feel that I paid to raise her daughter, real Dad did not pay much in support, now my focus should be on our children. I will hold off on the seperation of money for now and see how it goes. Thanks for the support.
So, we are talking within the
So, we are talking within the states and roughly 3-5K a year for visits?
How much do you think you spend on your other children a year?
You "paid" to raise HER
You "paid" to raise HER daughter? How sweet of you considering that you married this woman with prior knowledge of this fact.
Personally, I don't think
Personally, I don't think marrying someone constitutes an agreement to take over the financial responsibilities of the biological parent. How much financial responsibility a stepparent takes for a stepchild is an individual choice to be made by the two adults in the relationship. If this man agreed to take financial responsibility for his SD, there's nothing wrong with him stating that he has done so. It's simply a fact. And there's nothing really out of line about his expectation that his wife take that into consideration in her financial behavior. There should be some sort of reciprocity in their consideration for each other when they make decisions.
I had my SS living with me for 6 years and treated him like my own. BM never paid one cent of child support. I often went without in order to put SS first. That was my choice, and I don't regret it.
However it was *not* my *obligation*. And while I expect it to be taken for granted by SS, as it has been, it had better *not* be taken for granted by DH.
L
The theory is often different
The theory is often different than the practice - that's entirely true. And a lot of things should be the same for men and women but aren't - I totally agree with that as well. It just looked to me like the poster got jumped on for saying he contributed financially to his SD's upbringing, and I wanted to comment on that specifically.
My SS just bailed out, and I suddenly have all this extra spending money. A silver lining to a sad situation.
L
As always, men should never
As always, men should never say such things...geez! He married HER and the fact that he gave any money to support her kid should be enough for her to kiss his behind! It truly amazes me how many women want it both ways. I am 100% with you that either she stops or reduces the trips or you split finances. I think you were nice to help her support her kid until she was an adult and that YOUR money should be spent on your bio-children, not her bio-adult.
I never once complained about
I never once complained about paying for her daughter, and I knew what I was getting into. I just feel that as an adult she wanted to move and be an adult I should be done. I thought a parent's responsiblity should be first to the minor children who can not support themselves and then to each other. A visit once in a while is not a problem, but when I was told this will be a regular expense I just wanted other opinions. I think my wife is trying to make up for divorcing her Dad, just my opinion. Please don't attack me I am just looking for some options/opinions.
Is the 19-year-old
Is the 19-year-old independent otherwise? I mean, you and your wife are not sending her money to help support her? If that's the case, I think you've done a great job! Lots of adult kids on this board are lazy and worthless who expect their parents to take care of them forever.
I think knowing whether or not this expense negatively affects your current household is important. If you can afford these trips, I think it's pretty natural for a parent to want to assume all the expense. (My mom is 93 and she still insists on paying for dinner when we go out.) If this expense is a hardship then you need to agree on something more reasonable.
I've never complained about
I've never complained about C/S. Never.
It is the lack of monies that goes to the actual child that seems to be a mute point.
I do not care if the "dude" was metro sexual even, claiming that he or she "paid" for a child's life is not a healthy psychological trait in my book. I do hope the adult daughter never heard that type of comment.
No child should EVER hear such a thing. What? It's not a kid's fault that they were born.
I am of the school that all
I am of the school that all finances should be separate. That way conversations like this don't happen. My money is mine and his is his. Our pre-nup lays it all out.
I'm a little worried about
I'm a little worried about that too. Going in I want to be completely teamed up on everything, but I make like 5 times as much as she does, and the disparity is only going to grow in the next two or three years.
It's a worrisome deal. We've both been married and will now both have been divorced. I'd hate to be 55 and get taken for a ride. I guess I'm going to wing it and trust her and hope it all works out for the best...
Works great for us. We are
Works great for us. We are partners and don't need to combine money to make it more so. I am fiecely independent and believe that people should work for what they have. This may not go over well here, but I think that women should not let a man provide for them. It makes the relationship uneven.
We split the household bills in half. We have a joint CC for household stuff or dinners out with all of us. If I just take my kid, I pay. Same for him. If we want something we split it in half. We each have our own homes. I live in his and rent out mine. We have our own IRA/401K's that will provide for our retirement. This has worked well for us. I don't ever have to have the conversation about why I bought something. Right now I am looking at a new car. I will take his input, but, I will buy it on my own. His name wouldn't be on the title. Only thing we have combined is a savings acct that we use for big ticket purchases and our car insurance is combined. We laid everything out in the pre-nup.
You don't have to combine your finances to feel a partnership. Money just ruins relationships. I love it and would not do it any other way.
I agree with you Jsmom,
I agree with you Jsmom, especially in second marriages where there are children.
Yes - I have to protect what
Yes - I have to protect what I have worked for for my son. He has to protect his as well. I am completely provided for in the event of his death and he is with mine. But, beyond that our children get most everything. If we divorced, I walk away with everything I came in with and split any equity achieved since I came along 50/50. Since 75% of 2nd marriages end in divorce, I wanted to be prepared.
I agree too, we have separate
I agree too, we have separate accounts.
I think that would work great
I think that would work great in a situation where it results in a similar standard of living for both parties, and where both parties view the decision not to pool finances as one that is *not* a commentary on their level of commitment. Both issues can be problematic if that's not the case. As a woman, it's been important to me not to depend on anyone to provide for me and to contribute my share. Now I find myself in a relationship where due to factors beyond our control, I bring home significantly more - *before* he pays CS. He works harder than I do, and is the best paid by far of his entire peer group. But he deals with a glass ceiling I won't go into here, and that affects his income. My natural response has been to throw whatever I've got in the pot. Being a great man, he neither takes advantage of that nor let's it make him feel emasculated. Like what you do, what we do works for us. My conclusion: there's no right or wrong. It's as individual as the two people involved.
L
My Dad used to say that The
My Dad used to say that The Golden Rule is "The man with the gold makes the rules".
If you're earning the majority of the money I'd just tell her, "look, twice a year is fine or you can find a way to do it cheaper but I'm not willing to spend 5 grand a year on that. Period."
If you make 100k a year, after retirement, taxes, insurance, etc., you're bringing home about 5 grand a month. Are you willing to go to work every damned day for a month so your wife can FREQUENTLY visit a kid who didn't really like you anyway?
I wouldn't be...
Now if your wife is making the money, good on her.
I'm with the idea of separating the money and you can spend yours on whatever the hell you want, even if it's just football tickets or concerts or a weekend-use convertible. If she wants to spend hers on visiting the cross-country kid, good for her.