OK - How many of you deal with issues in your marriage
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OK - How many of you deal with issues in your marriage that you are pretty positive have to INDIRECTLY do with the BM?
I am not talking about all the things that we SMs have to deal with that are DIRECTLY related - BM herself and skid issues...but things that MAY be related (i.e., mistrust or abandonment issues, etc.)
How do you cope with them?
Definitely mistrust issues.
Definitely mistrust issues. It affects all areas of our relationship but especially money. I asked that we go to counseling and we have an apointment scheduled for next week. Communication is the key in my opinion but do not currently seem to be speaking the same language. Lack of trust poses a big barrier to honest communication.
Yes, it is mistrust in our
Yes, it is mistrust in our marriage too. Although he trusts me with all the money, he thinks that I am constantly looking for some other guy to either have an affair with or leave him for. :?
We are not married but in our
We are not married but in our relationship..he doesn't trust me because of things she did. He thinks I'll leave just like she did.
“Issues” are a pretty big
“Issues” are a pretty big part of step parenting I think… but it’s the indirect ones that hurt the most. We have several in my marriage, on both sides!
My DH has some pretty major issues around his “performance” in bed because of Mother Russia’s head games. She’s like a venomous viper that knows the softest spot to strike… she spent the entire duration of their marriage putting him down “as a man” so he’s constantly looking for positive reinforcement in that area. (And he’s AMAZING! Just goes to show how evil that woman was… couldn’t even enjoy a good thing because of her power issues)
And I have these really huge emotional walls up because of my ex and his need to hide any form of emotional outpouring… there was no “mad” or “sad” in my previous marriage… we were these emotionless, Stepford-esque automatons that just co-inhabited for as long as we could. And I’m flippin Italian!!! I need to be emotional or I explode!!! But I spent many years burying it and now it’s hard to let someone in completely… yeah, the indirect issues can be the hardest to overcome.
Same thing with my H. I don't
Same thing with my H. I don't know what the women before me did to him but he is so self conscious about performance. I don't get it cuz that is the one area we have no problems or complaints in.
I deal with it all the time
I deal with it all the time but not as much as when we were first married.
I had to constantly remind him I am not her so he needs to stop judging me like her. Point out how our lives sculpted us differently.
Then when he got really bad - accusing me of cheating when I wasn't - I did the same to him. Treated him like my ex and one day went so far as to call him my ex. He became SOOOOO angry that we had a horrible horrible horrible argument where, after he stopped yelling I said, "SO, how is it that YOU are different to ME?"
We haven't argued about this sort of thing in a little over a year. Now it is stupid stuff like how I fold his shirts or he mixes my light pink shirts with whites even though they are Light Colored .... Grrrr.
I kind of know where you are
I kind of know where you are coming from. My DH already had three kids from previous marriage and I had one. I always waned a large family and loved the fact he wanted more kids. After only a year of dating, I found out I was pregnant. After having to quit my job due to difficult pregnancy, we basically moved in together. After going through a tough time, I decided to have my tubes tied. I was barely 21 and the mother of two children. After a few years, I started regretting my decision. Now 7 years later, we have too many kids to have more. I know, I know, 5 kids are a lot. But I don't feel I should have to give up on something as important to me simply because they had three kids.
I get the no babies thing too
I get the no babies thing too but it isn't directly because of BM, it is because apparently he thinks all kids are the same out of control heathens (sp) as his daughter and he said he could never deal with another kid. You know I really think he has himself convinced that his daughter is completely the norm. He doesn't realize that a child raised with guidance and boundaries can be such a rewarding, fulfilling experience. Children are supposed to pleasant to be around not the most annoying little people on the planet all the time.
We did early in our marriage.
We did early in our marriage. Now? Very rarely. Every once in a while she will pull something that sends me into a tailspin. But for the most part, she is no longer and issue.
Three reasons:
1.I have gotten much better at keeping her out of my head.
2.My stepkids are older.
3. We have custody now. She no longer has that control.
Ooooh, yeah. If I happen to
Ooooh, yeah.
If I happen to mention I have an issue with something he says or does - not accusingly, trying to TALK about it - he gets all butthurt and defensive. I have to say, "I am NOT calling you a horrible person or a failure like SHE did, I just want to talk about how this makes me feel!" He also instantly grovels and calls himself a loser if I get cranky - BM wasn't happy unless she got appeased like that all the time. I want him to stand up to me and tell me when I'm acting like a jerk! As it is, he cringes so much that I feel like I'm an abusive bitch. I've even told him that if I'm that abusive, we should divorce. Which of course, he takes as me abandoning him. At least he's quit assuming it's because of another guy...
Me! BM cheated on DH,and as a
Me!
BM cheated on DH,and as a result,he has insecurity issues which can sometimes spill over into our marriage.She was also very abusive and violent towards him,which,i believe has led to him being very emotionally gaurded.I get very annoyed when,during a row,he will come up with,'BM used to say that',or'BM used to do that'..ugh :sick:
That is funny and sad at the
That is funny and sad at the same time. DH has insecurity as well and will get mad if he even hears a male when he calls me from work. I told him that I would apply for any position in my field that opens up at the nunnery but until then I HAVE to work with males!!