Advice on punishment!
I need some advice 
I posted a while back about having issues with my ss. But I guess I was being a bit to strict on him. He is 17 and he had a curfew and a bedtime. I took those away. Mostly those were my rules, my husband works a lot and isnt home much so it comes down to me to be the law around here.
Things are so between him and I, we dont talk unless we have too and so on. My husband told him he had to be home by 10:30pm mostly because we go to bed around 11pm most nights and we rather he wasnt out when we were not up. If he would be late to call or txt, its not a big deal if he would be late but let us know.
Anyway back to why I am posting the night before last he was late, an hour late and didnt call or txt. My husband was mad and told him to stay in the house the next day (yesterday).
Last night or should I say this morning I woke up at 4am not sure why I never do, so I went to the restroom and heard the phone ring downstairs. I thought it might of been my nephew. (I have a 10 month old nephew in Germany and when his mommy isnt looking he takes the phone and plays with the speed dial and often calls us early in the morning and leaves cute little messages on the answering machine lol its no big deal we never hear the phone anyway)
I came down and looked at the phone number and it was local and one I dont know. I stood there for a bit lol I think I was still half asleep and trying to get my brain working.
We have a lab pup (6 months old) and he wanted to go outside since I was up so I went to the front door and as I am hooking him up I hear the back door open! I thought "OMG someone is breaking in! (I really was not awake lol)" And I see my ss was who was there and I asked him wtf he is doing up and outside at 4am!
He says "Yea I know am in trouble"
I just sort of look at him and think huh
And He said something but I was looking out the window and see a police car!!!! My ss got brought home by the police!!
So dumb old me who's brain still is not working goes outside with the dog, the dog is growling so I went back in and got my husband.
Turns out ss snuck out. He was seen walking down the road with some friends and they were drinking.
One of his friends was with him and the Trooper asked if his friend could stay the rest of the night since his parents just kicked him out for what he did. We said of course or he would of went to Juvenile Hall for the night.
I had a feeling for a while that my ss has been sneaking out but I really just thought it was me, but now I told my husband that I think he has been doing this for a while and he agrees.
We havent talked to ss yet but will soon (husband had to be to work at 6am but is coming home early to deal with this)
But now I am left with what is a good punishment? My husband plans to tell him to stay in his room for a long long time but I dont think its enough or really I dont think it will have any effect on him. Anyone have any other suggestions I could try?
My own stupid sons did this
My own stupid sons did this kind of thing in high school. I grounded them to home, no phone calls, no video games, no friends over. All for 2 weeks. I would also leave him lists of chores to do as punishment every day for those two weeks. For each day he doesn't get everything done, add another day of no friends, no calls, no video games, etc.
He sounds like a pretty normal kid to me.
Good luck with all this. At least you know he's almost to adulthood so will be out in the world in a few years.
I will say I would get the other kid out ASAP. I went though some of that too...trying to fix other kids. It doesn't work and they will take complete advantage of you. There is probably a reason the other kid's folks kicked him out. And I wouldn't want my ss hanging out with him.
Thank you both I might just
Thank you both
I might just do that and ask him what he thinks we should do. hubby is a bit at a lost too, he said he wants to ground him for the next year lol
I am certainly am not worrying to much about this other kid, we took him in for the night and he already left. He wont be welcome back thats for sure.
I mean these are little adults, 17 is sort of an odd age you want to be grown up and you think you are and know it all. But you dont and you still need you're parents.
I guess we'll have to see what happens. I was thinking of making him volunteer at a homeless shelter or something like that, he hates helping out but I think it do him some good to see if he keeps screwing off that is where he might end up.
But then again it might not, he has a cousin who he used to be close too, he watched her get pregnant at 15, start drinking, and eventually started doing drugs and stealing. She eventually got caught stealing some stuff worth over $3000.00, she went to jail for a month and the judge let her out with probation and a drug program to go too. She completed the drug program and is now drug free but she still struggles.
And my ss own sister is 19, she used to live with us but after graduating high school she decided she did not need to go to college, or need to work, that hanging with friends and partying was all she wanted so we told her to get out.
That was 5 months ago. She is now living with her Aunt (mother's side) she is not in school does not work and is pregnant.
Its so frustrating because all these people he has seen go down the hard road hopefully he doesnt pick that path either. My husband is a hard working man, he has been working since the age of 13, at 17 in the summer he worked 3 jobs. He still works hard now 14 hours a day often just to support us (I work part time to stay home with our younger kids). I dont see why he doesnt see the good people and only the bad
Well so now am just ranting lol and am tired!
i think it is best to sit
i think it is best to sit down and talk with each other. find out what is going on with the boy. if you and your husband don't make a connection with him now, things will just escalate. and your husband has to take care of the discipline. how can you have a decent relationship with your stepson if you are having to deal with all of the discipline? this is just not your job. it is great that your husband is so hard working but the drawback is that too much responsiblity falls of you which creates friction between you and your stepson.
tough love does not work in these circumstances, your only hope is to try to communicate with your stepson and find something positive about your family together. he is obviously acting out, probably because of the innapropriate balance of discipline.
I won't have this problem.
I won't have this problem. DH allows them total freedom.
No curfew. School attendenace is optional. Don't have to phone & say out all night. In fact 3 nights can go by w/o hearing from them & he'll have no clue where kid(s) are but feels Disneyish about it. He says: they will call when they need something.
i consider that child abuse.
i consider that child abuse. they would have more care in a foster home. those kids don't have a chance
When I caught my sister
When I caught my sister sneaking out at seventeen (I raised her) I asked her what was up. Turns out she was just bored sitting at home after school.
I told her to find something more productive to do with her time or I would. She ended up getting a part time job for the weekends and setting up "girls night out" with four friends. They would take turns staying at each others houses on school nights. I knew the other girls parents and we all agreed to supervise the get togethers.
So I guess I am saying to ask not only what the punishment should be, but why it happened in the first place.
I'd check and see if you can
I'd check and see if you can take him on a "tour" of the local jail... Maybe also check with some local businesses (hospitals, school etc.) to see about him doing some "parent ordered" community service/volunteering.
I don't take things like this
I don't take things like this lightly. I realize the kids are just trying to be adults and test the waters, going through maturing stages, blah, blah, blah......but I guess I don't do well with breaking the law. Drinking underage is illegal and that's for a reason.
At 17, it's really hard to make kids do something, but if you still have enough control to ground him, good for you. I really like the idea of volunteering. Have him do something selfless, where doesn't get anything in return except an occasional thank you.
I made my BS16 volunteer in an animal shelter. He had to clean 40 cages in 4 hours for two months! I also took him for a tour of the juvenile delinquent facility in town. It scared the crap out of him! And me, actually. There was no way I wanted my baby in there; but I didn't show him that.
He straightened out, thank goodness. I guess we have to remember, good people make poor choices and we should try to train our kids to make good choices no matter who's watching,,,,or not watching.
This bring me back to one
This bring me back to one morning 4 years ago when at 1 am the doorbell rings. I stagger out and lo and behold it is a policeman at the door informing me that ss17 is in the back of the cruiser and he was arrested for drinking in public. Long story short, ss gets a ticket, there is a court case with a $600 fine and x hours of community service. DH has "a talk" with ss, pays his fine, shuttles ss ass to community service and we live happily ever after. SS never had to get a job to pay back the fine - we want him to concentrate on his academics- never had any real consequences - we have to give him a break he is just acting up -for his actions.
This was 4 years ago, since then ss broke into our house, rummaged through our bedroom and stole form us, brought people to our home to smoke pot while we were on vacation and so on and so on.
In my experience if you do not put an end to it now, it will only escalate and spiral out of control