Paying for college, etc.
Am 41 yo noncustodial stepfather for 16yo SD (lives with paternal grandmother - wants nothing to do with us); 8 yo and 4 yo stepsons that live with BF (long story - did nothing wrong - just ultraconservative court system of Texas). I know college is a long way off, but SS have developed habit of asking for "surprises" (presents/gifts) with every visit. SD that lives with grandmother recently contacted me via email (actually it was the grandmother that contacted me) and asked for money for car and college tuition (she is senior in high school). I brought up that SS should live with us for 2 years and during college - and I will pay for college no problem. My wife disagrees. She is in nursing school, does not work, and has no intention of working. I think that if my SS choose to remain with their BF (makes under $40k - doubtful can afford college tuition), then they live with their choice. She believes that "they deserve every chance she didn't have".
Am I a jerk for wanting the SS to "choose me" over their BF for college education? Or am I right to at least develop a relationship with them before I hand over $100,000 x2?
Any thoughts are appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Monkeyboy - I agree that you
Monkeyboy - I agree that you are completely on track thinking that you shouldn't have to just hand over $100,000 x 2 to 2 boys that don't want to even try to have a relationship with you. And I think that your wife should support that.
I'm sorry for saying this, but ANYTHING you do for the skids college is a GIFT FROM YOU and should not be expected by any party at all... either parent, or the skids themselves.
My SD is 17 years old and a Senior this year. Her and I have had plenty of discussions about college and what her dad and I can afford and what her mom may or may not be able to contribute. Yeah, she doesn't like hearing that we expect her to go to a reasonably affordable school - even though the affordable school is nationally ranked!!! And then we tell her she's acting spoiled!
As my husband (her father) has said... COLLEGE IS A PRIVILEGE NOT A RIGHT. And he had to pay for his own college (and then chose working full time over school), and I never got to go due to illness. We want her to get a degree. But that doesn't mean she gets a free ride.
Your wife and you should talk to some counselors and some school counselors. In our case, they all completely agreed that a college education means more when someone has to work for it, and has some interest in it - some "skin in the game" is how they put it.
On a side note - please stop referring to the SS's choices as between you and their father. You will never win that game. Your role should be as a responsible adult male role model, successful in his career, cautious with his choices, but generous WHEN WARRANTED. Don't try to buy their love, it will back fire. And don't try to make them choose you over their dad. Would you want someone to have come between you and your father? As long as you keep up the competition, I believe you will continue to have issues with the skids.
So? Make them develop a relationship with you - based on trust and understanding and RESPECT. And then, decide how much you want to contribute to their education. But don't let the wife tell you it's your responsibility.
You as the stepfather should
You as the stepfather should NOT be expected to pay a penny for anything!!! I hate it when any parent is forced to pay for college. I think it teaches them to keep their hand out!
Thank you - you made my day.
Thank you - you made my day. I worked through college, and am still paying my college and med school loans. God forbid these brats would ever have to work or save for anything in their lives.
Thanks to your comment and this site, I am regaining my sanity slowly but surely. Just nice to know that I am not alone. DW has never been a stepparent - and I know of no noncustodial fathers here in town. Just because I can afford to pay for their college doesn't mean their entitled to it.
Your wife if she wants them
Your wife if she wants them to have what she didn't have them she must provide it! of course this is my opinion. I am a mom and a stepmom. I refuse to let my dh pay for crap like that it is not his place, I work my butt off.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. 'Stick' you are right to stop thinking about the SSs choosing their BF over me. I will Never win that game. It still hurts - but blood is thicker than. . . whatever makes you a stepparent. Hey - but how do you "make" someone have a relationship with you?
On a sidenote 'purpledaisies' - my DW told me that she will not be able to have kids with me if I don't pay for her sons (my SS) college, because she will be working all the time. Kind of absurd, but whatever. Kind of an odd form of birth control . .. . . She is currently in nursing school (which I am paying for) and not working. . ..
Monkeyboy - I think that with
Monkeyboy - I think that with skids, it's always a dance. You gain a little, step back a little.
I went out with DH for a good year and we actually moved in together (!) before he would let me pick up his daughter from school. Once I did that though, I took my husband's advice and used that time to get to know her. We were stuck in a car together for 20 minutes or so. It started with small talk - how was your day? Oh I like this song! etc... and gradually moved on to bigger subjects.
Think of yourself when you were their age. Adults that "force" themselves on you... trying to be their friend or cool... is SO NOT cool! ha!
But, just talking - about sports or some common interest can open up the world.
I would suggest that you take the boys - even though they will have resistance at first - take them to a guy movie or to a game of some sort. Get them out where there is something to do to occupy the time, but that can actually open up conversations. It's WORK just like any other relationship. So, I guess you can't "Make" them have it. But you can try. And it will be easier if you try from the position of "hey, I'm with your mom, so we might as well get along" rather than "hey - I want to be your dad or your buddy or whatever" ... Does that make sense?
I never told SD I wanted to be her mom. But I was able to get her to respond to me as a neutral 3rd party older sister type of person. And a lot of that was with little conversations, and stories about my past!
Sorry but I can not relate to
Sorry but I can not relate to your post. Yes parenting doesn;t stop at 18 notice I said 18! However money should unless you WANT to help. I plan on doing this with my kids. This doesn;t mean I'll never give my kids money after they are 18 just means that I expect my kids to not expect money from me when they are an adult. Plus I don;t care if he knew she had kids before they got married he still should not be EXPECTED to support grown adults that are no relation to him! Especially that kind of money, that is a lot to expect from someone even your parents.
Totally agree to this one.
Totally agree to this one.
I still don;t see how he
I still don;t see how he should be expected to do that when his wife won't work. He said that in the beginning that she won;t work. He needs to tell his wife that IF SHE wants HER kids to have those things paid SHE needs to get a J O B! Not fair to lay it on one person and expect them to shell out their money they worked their butt off for and give it to someone not even related to them. As I said that is a LOT of money to expect. Wife should even expect him to shell out that kind of money. I know they are young right now but she needs to start thinking about where the money will come from now instead of expecting her husband to pay for HER kids. Sorry but this is a pet peeve of mine and I will not back down. Still not fair anyway you slice it.
On other thing is that there
On other thing is that there is a reason that step parents income is not calculated in CS so why is college different?
Actually Purpledaisies, the
Actually Purpledaisies, the way I understand it, is the FAFSA considers the income of the custodial HOUSEHOLD. Since SD lives with DH and I - his and my income - NOT BM's - is used to calculate the family contribution! Isn't that crazy? You'd think they would use DH and BM, but they don't. I think in some Ivy League schools they consider all parental income, but I am looking into all of this now, and that is what I found out.
SD here would actually be much better off financially for college, if she lived with BM who is still single.
Stick - that is our situation
Stick - that is our situation - luckily SS16 lives with BM and she is a single parent. Thank God because he wants to go to an Ivy League school and DH and I can't afford that. He gets really good grades and should get some scholarships but he is still going to have some pretty big student loans when all is said and done. It's not so much that he wants to go it is his mother pushing him because she wants to tell people that her son goes to an Ivy League school. It is all about appearances to her and DH and I sat SS down this summer and told him exactly how much we could help him with so he would have a very clear picture of what we can afford. Needless to say he was not very happy with the amount. The funny thing is that she has not saved a dime for his schooling while DH and I started saving the month after we go married. The money that DH and BM had saved together she spent on herself instead of saving it for SS. I put myself through college and so did DH so we see nothing wrong with him doing the same.
Caregiver - you really are in
Caregiver - you really are in the same sitch as me! BM didn't save anything and yet, feels free enough to say to DH - "What about your 401k for SD's college??!! WTF? She's an idiot. She's also telling SD she can go wherever she (SD) wants because she'll "get lots of scholarships" and "will make a lot of money after she graduates". Uhh the kid is going to be a therapist and there's not a lot of $$ in that! BM drives me crazy!
We had the same sit-down with SD and told her we will not foot her entire college, and we will only be able to contribute a certain amount, so she will be responsible for the rest. And she wasn't happy either , but hey, it is what it is. If she doesn't like it or it's not enough, we don't have to contribute anything!!
The thing that really irks me
The thing that really irks me is that BM keeps promising SS things and encouraging a $50,000 a year school and then comes to DH to foot the bill. This summer I told SS that if he wants us to pay for some of the college he needs to let us know what is going on. My DH is consulted on nothing - BM promises SS a car and then tells SS that we are paying for half of it - uh no we are not - SS does not want to get a job BM does not make him and to me that means no Car. He actually wanted me to give him my car but I knew I was getting a new one and needed my car for the trade-in. Luckily he will not come back to our state until next August so he will not know I have a new car (which by the way when BM finds out she is going to flip - the car I got was $43,000 new but I got it second hand and it cost $18,500 and my trade in was $5000 so this great luxury car only cost us $13,500 - this is the cheapest car payment I have ever had and what really fries my ass is that next Summer I am going to have to explain to BM why I am driving this car - meanwhile when she took SS college money for her Audi no one could say a word)
She does not even ask for the 401K because she got half of my DH's in the divorce and of course ran through that money in the first year. I can't wait for the CS to stop and this horrible person to be out of our lives and yes I know people say she will always be there but I am going to ignore her for the rest of my life after June 2012 - YIPPEEEE!!! I will never utter another word to her and at any family functions (and I don't care if I get flamed for this) I am going to ignore her like she is nothing to me which she really is nothing to me. I have never had a person like this in my life - EVER. Okay enough of hijacking this persons post - thanks for listening to the vent!!!
Stick I have all our money
Stick I have all our money separate for a reason. Which is why I work. I have 2 kids and dh has 3 we had trouble with bm thinking she could get my money too so we do not combine. Sorry but I have 2 kids I need to support and if bm was to any of my money there wouldn't be any for my kids. We have to do what is best for ALL kids not just skids. I know that skids are raised much differently than mine are but that still doesn't mean dh has the money to support his adult kids just b/c bm thinks he should. It is not healthy at all for adults to think their parents should still be supporting them. I am not saying that we should give money and help out but if you raise your kids to not expect then when they are adults they won't expect and when parents do help it is appreciated and not expected. We are to be raising adults not kids.
I completely agree with you
I completely agree with you Purpledaisies. I hope you don't misunderstand. I agree that your money should be separate. I am just telling you what I found out when I researched FAFSA this past year. If you look at my response above, I don't think that the poster should give his skids ALL the money for college either, and I certainly do not believe the BM should expect it from him! That's crazy talk!
I'm confused as to how what I am writing is translating?? But I definitely agree with you!
Agree wholeheartedly with
Agree wholeheartedly with this post!!!
See what I don't get is why we have to help the adult kids at all. Once I turned 18 my parents never gave me a dime - EVER!!!!! They did not have it and I would not have asked them for it anyway. They raised me to work hard and survive on my own. I never went back and lived with them either and I lived in some very expensive areas - hamptons and NYC when I was young. I worked my butt off and have had a great life so far. But then again no one told me that just because I was born I was entitled to have everything handed to me. I was adopted my life SUCKED the first 6 years but I have never used that as an excuse - if anything it has made me stronger and so did my adoptive parents.
BRAVO!!!!! I am a
BRAVO!!!!!
I am a custodial StepDad. I became dad to our son (my SS) when he was 1yo. He is an only child in our home.
And nope, you are not wrong. My wife and I are both graduate degreed professionals. We have provided our son (my SS) every opportunity and had every plan, intention and resource to send him to college on the mom and dad full ride scholarship. But .... he screwed the pooch on that opportunity when he flunked out of a top 20 military boarding school (that he reqeusted to attend) due to playing World of Warcraft (WoW) with his SpermIdiot all night evey night for the first semester of his Sr year of HS and subsequently slept through class the whole semester and turned in very little of the assigned work.
The SpermIdiot does not have a pot to piss in, a window to throw it out of or a braincell functional enough to realize that he is an idiot so there is not a snowball's chance in Bagdad that the SpermIdiot is going to pay for SS's college.
We brought our son (my SS) home at winter break and he graduated on time from our local HS though only because his mom and I had our feet up his ass 24/7 for the Spring semester. The really irritation thing about the situation is that SS was a highly decorated honor student and cadet his RAT year for his Jr year of HS. The school begged us to let him stay but there was no way he graduate on time and we were not about to invest another $5figures for his HS diploma and take the risk that he would not pull his head out of his ass.
My wife, who it sounds had a similar upbringing to your wife, has no intention of burning our hard earned resources on the extremely bad investment of college for our son (my SS). She was a 16yo single mom who went on to finish HS with her class, completed a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors and is now a CPA. My ILs are extremely low income so my wife persued her education on her own inititive and financed it on her own until we married. I was the sole income in our marriage until SS started school (I am proud that I could provide for us so that she could be a SAHM) and paid for her school. Once our son (My SS) started school she went to work on her own accord and insisted on working and going to school. She has been very successful in her own right.
Our son (my SS) has the unfortunate circumstance of being born to a woman who raised herself from a background of toothless dipshit red necks to a state of significant education and professional accomplishment and having a StepDad who was raised by parents who are big on personal accountability and who struggled with my own issues during my 11yr undergrad career. I will not finance a similar undergrad effort from our son (my SS). In my defence, I paid for the middle 7yrs of my llyr undergrad career, started and sold a business and married and was divorced by my first wife (no kids with that woman .... thank God!).
Don't get me wrong. As my parents did with my brother and I, we will help him with school. But only after he has demonstrated that he has matured enough to warrant our investment in his education. In his case that will come after he has spent 4yrs with a Marine Gunny's boot up his ass and low crawling under bullets in Afghanistan. The Marine Corps is not a punnishment. It is an environment where he will be fed, clothed, housed, trained and taught how to adapt and overcome challenges on a dime that he earns himself.
When he proves to us that he is worthy of our investment in his education .... we will discuss engaging the mom and dad full ride.
Once again .... you are not wrong.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,