Going out to dinner with his kids once a week is one thing - taking a Christmas trip with them and the ex is another. This shows absolutely no respect for you. I wonder what he would say if you went on a trip with an ex? I agree with Foxie; save up for a fantastic trip by yourself or save up to dump his ass.

Your SO needs to grow some balls, his kids need to grow up and you need to stand up for yourself. It's not like they're little bitty kids - they're adults but unfortunately your SO still treats them like they're babies. Dinner every week? No way! Maybe once a month or so but not every week. Does he take YOU out that often? I would certainly hope so!

As far as leaving you alone at Christmas to go with his adult kids and ex, that would pretty much send me packing. Totally disrespectful not to mention sending the wrong message to the kids and ex.

He needs to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with those brats and tell them he's a package deal - you're part of his life just as they are. They need to suck it up and deal with it.

Ok, I have some things to say I can TOTALLY relate to you on this! I am currently on the other side of ordeals such as you are describing. My SO has two daughters, SD20 and SD23. I have been with their dad 1.5 years and they still refuse to meet me. Like your DH, my SO meets his kids about once a week somewhere for dinner. They don't come over because I am there and this is a known fact - they have said this. This year was the second year he spent Christmas with his kids and parents etc and NOT with me. I have heard the same thing in the past...I don't want to "disrupt the apple cart." What these men are really doing is appeasing these adult children by not rocking the boat yet they can cause us pain in the meantime and put more strain on an already strained relationship? How is that fair? I asked my SO the same question...are we going to do this forever? If they are 25 and older there is NO REASON they cannot be mature human beings. Even before that...adults are 18+ as understood by law regardless of how daddy sees them. They are being babies when the say they don't want you to come along. You are with him and thus a part of the family. I recently told my SO that if he plans to ditch me again for the next Christmas I will be taking a trip ALONE over Christmas because there's not much point in my sticking around if I am going to be left out and lonely. I am a part of the family now. PERIOD. You have been with your DH 4 years now. Even if he JUST left his ex around that time 4 years is more than enough time for his adult brats to accept that you are around. Furthermore, your DH is enabling this and allowing them to dictate to him how his life is going to go. If I were you I would ask him how he feels about not spending Christmas with you. How would he feel to never ever spend Christmas with you again? I have told my SO that he's not choosing me. He's not choosing SD's, he is choosing to go to his mom's on Christmas like he traditionally does and inviting me because I am in his life and important to him. He's not in the middle. He says to his kids...iloveit is coming to Christmas this year, I would love for you both to come but if you are uncomfortable I understand. It is their CHOICE to be included in holiday plans. He's not telling me not to come and he's not saying it to them. The reality here is that they are adults and they are not incapable of deciding things on their own. They just have not been given that responsibility and that is up to your DH and his kids. Tell him that it devastates you that you are excluded and see what he says. If he loves you and genuinely wants you there tell him it means everything to you to make this happen and if he can't...I think you have a choice to make my friend. Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone on Christmas? That does not seem fair to me and you deserve WAY better than that. He is still feeling guilty after 4 years...time to put your foot down and stand as a united front with DH on what YOUR plans for holidays will be.

Again, the idea here is that it is a choice. DH is not pressuring anyone. If they don't want to be there because of you it is their loss not yours and not DH's. It's time they act like adults, not entitled, spoiled little daddy's babies. StepAside said it too...it's sad but unfortunately sometimes these adults are not satisfied with the idea of their dad actually standing together with someone other than their mom and the relationship with dad suffers because of their selfishness and lack of respect. It is what it is but what it doesn't have to be is a sad story of how you are all by yourself during the holidays. I HATE Christmas and dread it every year now even more because of this situation so I know where you are standing and I'm sorry for that. It doesn't have to stay this way...just talk to him and make him work it out with skids...it's his responsibility to be upfront with them and have expectations that any parent should of an adult child.

First let me start off by saying . . Foxie, I love your honesty and your humor Stepaside hit it head on. Treating them to dinner every week has got to cost a small fortune. But this is about control. Also, your DH has allowed them to create this dynamic and exclude you from the relationship. Only he can change it. He needs to tell them you're a package deal and they need to respect you as his wife. He needs to set them straight. And his behavior at Christmas was completely unacceptable. You're a good wife because I likely wouldn't have been there when he returned . .even if I'd just gone to a hotel alone to send him a message.

I too think counseling would help you as well as DH. You are his wife . .the person he exchanged vows with, the number one person in his life and you need to be treated as such. If he stands up to the kids, they'll get angry but they will come back around sooner or later and if not, it's their loss. His first loyalty should be to you his wife.

Good luck.

Wow - You need to lay down some rules. Christmas with his kids and the ex is wrong. Dinner every week is crazy. They are adults. He is wrong for not saying they need to accept his wife. Sorry but, Christmas would have been my last straw....

^^^I agree with ALL of the above.^^^ He is treating you with great inconsideration and by doing so he is teaching his children to do the same. Maybe if he would man up and tell his ADULT kids where to go, their attitudes would eventually change. Spending holidays with his kids AND the EX??? Bullshit! Until you stand up for yourself... both kids and your DH will continue to keep you at arms length. Geez... is he married to them or you???

Hang in there!

Haha I'm not even a step-mom, and even I can tell this is pathetic!

On the one hand... it's kind of common nowadays to see "kids" in their early 20's who aren't any more mature than most kids used to be in high school. On the other hand, like some of the other posters said... I'm not sure if some of these 20-something year old kids ever grow up. It might be irreversible at that point- and yes, it is definitely due to being spoiled.

I didn't think the weekend thing sounded bad. It's nice that they get to have some alone time with Dad, and if that's how often he likes to visit, I thought that was ok. But you mean to tell me that out of 50-some odd visits in a year, you were only included twice? Besides, it's not just the fact that it's incredibly imbalanced- it's about the fact that the reason it is imbalanced is because DH lets them know its OK to want to always exclude you. I agree with the other poster. What if they always has to exclude their SO from family functions? Childish.

The X-mas thing... that's just horrendous. Especially the fact that he was so sneaky about it and blind-sided you at the last second. Wow. Yeah- he better be in the dog house for that one- pathetic!

My DH’s kids are both nearing middle age and still pull that crap off, we only want to see dad. So? Go ahead. But, that does mean you are going to have to visit somewhere other than our home and please don’t expect me to accommodate you in any way. If you don’t want me around, that has to be 100%. You can’t use me as you need me, then order me to my corner when my use is done. However, he can see them anytime he wants but I refuse to be put out because they can’t control their rage and refuse to even discuss it.

I opened my heart and life to these SKs, just to be shown and told repeatedly, shut up nobody cares what you think and nobody wants you here. In retrospect I would have considered it an absolute plus to have never met them because none of the nastiness would ever have happened and I would be blissfully unaware of how much they loathe me, a fact they desperately attempt to hide when others are there to witness their behaviour.

Some kids never get over their parents not being together anymore. If they think you are the one responsible for breaking up that miserable first marriage, and even though there were thousands of miles and years separating that original oh so perfect couple, they will never warm up to you. Especially if BM or MIL or Aunt or whoever is fueling that hatred. Also if your DH feels guilty, for whatever the heck it is they feel guilty about forget about it.

We have been married for 17 years and it never let up and in fact only got worse when we moved close to SD and she let all hell fly, all under the guise to everyone in DH’s family of how hard she had tried to welcome me into HER family, but I just refused to learn my place as defined by SD.

So now we moved thousands of miles away again. Before we left, his cousin said why don’t you trade her in and get yourself a good woman. Then another one added, while looking over my head, SHE can move away on her own and DH you can move home with your family--This from people who have never taken the time to have a single conversation with me in their life. All they know about me was based on the gossip and hearsay of angry adult stepchildren. Wake up call DH. If you think letting your family talk to me that way and not saying a word to them about it, all I have to say to you is this: why don’t you just take them up on their suggestions.

I guess he thought I would tolerate being treated worse than a dog forever. That was my fault. I should never tolerated being stepped on. And if I had found a site like step talk 17 years ago, I would have done things entirely differently, and not ever meeting them would have been at the top of my list.

Bottom line is he misled you. He planned a Christmas with you that he had no intention of delivering. Now he is trying to make it up to you by feigning guilt. Typical weak male response when they don’t want to do the hard work of confronting the people in their family about their disgusting behaviour toward their wife, partner that not one of those same people would ever tolerate in their lives. I don’t buy the guilt thing at all after all these years.

He should have just said outright that Christmas will always be without you, and with my kids. Done and done, you know the deal. Then you can make your decision based on the facts. But he must then also accept that when you create new things to do at Christmas that don’t include him, he can’t just horn in your events when the others that are so much more important to him than you are, decide they have found better things to do that don’t include him. Knowledge is power, and he has to fess up right now and make his decision so you can make yours. Trust me, the confrontation must come or this will go on forever.

CandyLou.....I'm assuming you are not married and eventhough you have been with your partner you may be trying to please him, be the understanding and compassionate one which is all good and fine but what about you?

My adult SS lives 45 minutes from us and my husband doesn't go visit him once a week. Perhaps there's some reason for the weekly dinners out and if it doesn't bother you fine.

But Christmas he leaves you to spend with his children without you? That's like handing you your walking papers. Doesn't that really show you where he is placing you in the picture? You don't deserve that sort of treatment.

I understand your dilemma. Not long into my own marriage, my young adult stepchildren invited their father out to dinner without me for his birthday gift. I didn't say anything and waited to see what he would do. He went. When he came home, I told him that I would never have done that to him and would have told me children that we go as a couple or not at all. In the 22 years we've been married, he has never done that again. However, from the beginning there were problems with the stepkids and how they treated me. You may consider yourself better off letting him go visit them than having to deal with them at your house. I would prefer that. My husband's kids have gone from ignoring me in my own home to now, all of these years later, being indifferent to me. They come a few times a year, I'm nice to them but not as giving to them as I am to my own children. I think for stepchildren to get along with their father's wife is the exception and fathers seem afraid to confront the issue with their kids. You can be a family with him and your kids and that would be my emphasis and his visits with his kids would be something you just have to put up with. Hopefully, he learned that leaving for four days over Christmas wasn't a good thing to do and won't repeat it. It seems that whether it is your current husband or a new one, there always will be the issue of stepkids. Or even worse, if your husband didn't have kids and you do, it would create a whole lot of new problems. I read somewhere that because the role of stepmother was created based on loss, how could we expect it to be positive. So if all other things in your life together work well, don't let his kids do this to you. When thoughts of his kids come to your mind--which I'm sure they do big time, don't let it happen. Start filling your mind with positive thoughts of the things you love and reduce them to an inconvenience you just have to put up with from time to time. I'm sure you spend more time thinking about them than they do about you. Don't waste your time because, personally, I don't think there is anything you can do to change them--but you can change yourself and the effect they have on you.