Extending the Olive Branch...Again
Hello! I am a new step-mother and quite new to the forum. I've asked friends and family for advice, but I want to get opinions from step-parents with experience.
Some back story: My husband and his ex started as a casual relationship, but when she got pregnant they decided to get married. They had the child and still were not married (she kept delaying) and about a year and a half ago he found out she had been cheating on him with 3 different guys. He decided to stay with her for the sake of the child but broke it off two months later when he caught her cheating again. He moved out but continued to pay her rent, car payment, credit card bills, and supplied food and supplies for his son. She wouldn't let him see his son and when she found out we were dating she moved four hours away, saying he would not see his son, but still demanded child support.
We took it to court and he won full custody. Now we are married and I love my SS. We are planning on a bigger family but right now we want to focus on the boy. I have tried several several times to talk to her and involve her more in the child's life, or just to let her get to know more about me to assure her that I'm good with him (I'm a special needs teacher). But she has rejected all my efforts to the point of harassment and public humiliation. I've never said a negative thing to her or talk bad about her to other people because I'm trying to be the bigger person but I'm about to go insane!
I know it is good to talk to her and will be beneficial in the future to be able to agree on the things that affect the child, but she fights tooth and nail against everything we do. Please give me some suggestions?
Wow, she lost entirely? She
Wow, she lost entirely? She must be a peach. As a BM who has tried to "extend the olive branch" on numerous occasions to XH and FSM, I can tell you that you are probably fighting a losing battle and wasting your energy. It's sad, but she probably isn't going to just start behaving differently.
It's awesome that your SS has a SM who is willing to try so hard - kudos to you.
I wouldn't try to talk to her
I wouldn't try to talk to her anymore. If she's willing to come around, she'll do it in her own time frame.
In the meantime, I would let all communication with her go through your DH. Let him handle the crazy. That's what I do and it works well.
Good luck!
I agree with the others.
I agree with the others. It's only good for the child for the two of you to communicate if you can be civil together...both of you. It sounds like she has no interest or desire to get to know you, which is stupid, because like you said, you'd think she'd want to know what kind of person her son is spending his time with. Given what you've said, she'll be hell-bent on breaking off the olive branch you extend & whipping you with it in return.
Don't do this to yourself. I've been there, as have many of the rest of us, making a valiant effort to keep things peaceful & making every effort to be friendly. I still get those feelings. I want to fix what's bad between us, but as long as it she wants it to be ugly, it will be regardless of how friendly I am. When I get the urge to extend the branch, I read the FB messages she's sent me. I think about all the shit she's put my husband through, all the lies she's told his kids about us.
In getting SS's room together for him to stay with us a few weeks ago I came across a Christmas ornament I'd gotten for her 2 Christmas's ago. It's an angel ornament (ironically she loves angels) & she's holding a "PEACE" banner. I got a card to go with it & wrote a message to her about hoping we could put the issues between our homes to rest & have peace between us. I read that card & cringed to think of the humiliation I'd have undoubtedly faced had it ever reached her hands. I keep it as a reminder. Someone like that will take advantage of the good in you when it will benefit them & just as soon as they have what they want, they'll stab you in the back at the first chance they get.
Focus on being a mother-figure to your SS. Obviously you have more to offer him than she does. Don't worry about what she's doing or what she's thinking. When you get the hankerin' to extend that branch, STOP yourself. Remind yourself of the times she has rejected you, harrassed you, & publicly humiliated you. I guarantee you she is just waiting for another chance to make you feel bad. Don't give it to her. Don't allow her the opportunity to hurt you that way.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your advice. Its just what I needed. Like I said, I'm new to this and I really do appreciate the advice and will take the words to heart. I'm really glad I found this forum, all I've read has been quite helpful. Thank you! I've just got to keep my head on straight. My DH is very supportive and helpful and now we have a new support system for advice. Thank you all so much!
The only time you'll ever
The only time you'll ever catch me 'extending the olive branch' in BM's direction is to shove it down her throat. I've tried doing this many, many times with her and she ultimately ends up using my good nature against me to try and manipulate the situation so I've concluded that it's just best that I disengage from her altogether and have DH handle any and all interactions with her.
I'm with Kalmolil! My new
I'm with Kalmolil! My new mission is to try to not give BM another fraction of space in my mind or heart. I have tried everything and nothing at all will work with women like these, Whovian- except time, maybe- a wise Steptalker told me that recently....hang in there!
Your focus should be on your
Your focus should be on your husband and step son. Keep your home loving, consistant, and structured. (I'm a special ed teacher too can you tell? lol but I do social emotional disturbances) Anyhow, I was/am in this very position. Control what you can control your home, and your relationships with the people you see everyday, your husband and step son. Let him (your ss) vent to you or talk to you, and just always be the listening ear, validate his feelings and be a constant. Your DH can deal with the BM. My mantra LET IT GO!!!! You will find a peaceful home, your ss will see that your focus is on your nuclear family, and as a side note as the years go on, the BM will get her just deserts when she sees that you don't care about her actions because and your family is thriving. Delayed gratification. Hang in there!