How do ppl live happy lives while their DH pays so much child support?!
I have a DD6, SS4 and DH and I have a DS together who is 1. At the beginning of our marriage, we both had decent jobs and I didn't mind the child support being paid every month. We then got pregnant with DS1 and 5 days before he was born, my office told me I "had too many kids" and they let me go. It has been over a year now and I have been collecting unemployment which is barely helping us cover our bills. Anyway, I have been job searching forever and nothing that pays half decent is coming up. To pay for childcare and bills, I'm going to have to make an insane amount of money or pick up a second job. While BM of SS4 works at a daycare where she gets a discount (yet we still have to pay our full half) and now she is talking about quitting her job and shocker- living off our child support! Now I'm getting so bitter bc I'm never going to see my kids bc Im going to have to work literally all day everyday to feed them and give them a house. DH won't get a second job. He says its not fair to SS4 to not uphold the custody arrangement they currently have. Which I think is bullshit! If I am willing to give up time with both of my bios to make ends meet, so should he! I guess I honestly didn't realize how much the child support would effect me until it was too late. Now I dont know what to do. DH won't make any sacrifice out of daddy guilt and I wonder how the heck we are going to even feed our kids as BM sits on her ass with all the subsidy in the world,claiming SS on taxes, etc. and I get nothing. SS doesn't like me very much, BM talks crap about me to everyone she bumps into (even at the grocery store) and DH could care less about our financial situation and says "what do you want me to do?" what happened to the days the men were actually men and sacrificed time with their kids to SUPPORT THEIR FAMILIES! Or for heavens sake, try to get the support lowered bc we aren't going to be able to feed our kids! Like I said, I didn't realize how hard this was going to be, DS wasn't planned and I never envisioned having more kids nor did I think I would lose my job the way I did...and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Its just dark and lonely
You need to sue your former
You need to sue your former employer for wrongful termination. They can't fire you because you have children. That is insane.
I was told it was too hard to
I was told it was too hard to prove. I would be fighting against 4 attorneys and its basically heresay so not worth the fight.
For what it's worth, the
For what it's worth, the situation I described in this thread happened at a law firm.
How much does your DH make
How much does your DH make and what does he pay?
IF and that is a strong IF, your job really fired you for “having too many children” then you need to sue. I am hard pressed to believe that someone is that stupid to actually tell you they are firing you because you have a few kids.
I am actually surprised that you have been off work for a year and can’t find work, yet you expect your DH to go find a second job!?!
Just FYI – if your DH is paying guidelines, there is not much you can do about it. Do you get CS for your child? Have you looked into getting any help financially?
I find it believable but only
I find it believable but only because a couple of years ago my boss fired our receptionist and told her, "I am firing you because no one in the office likes you."
Needless to say, she got unemployment for a long time. Which is unfortunate because she was fired for cause - lots of cause.
Yes, well I worked for law
Yes, well I worked for law firm and that is really the reason I was fired. They also said I should be a stay at home mother. Believe me or not, so be it. DH didn't want to sue and I was told by numerous attorney friends that it would be a hard case to prove. I'm not telling DH to find a job. I'm simply stating that when I do, hopefully soon, find a job, that I am going to have to work 2. Im upset that he wouldn;t even consider giving up his time with SS but I should be more than willing to give up all of my time with all of hte kids. I know there isnt anything I can do about the support, hints why I asked people how they deal with it. I do get child support for my DD. There is no help for us financially bc child support isn't deducted from everything so it look slike DH makes a lot more than he really does.
DH getting a 2nd job would
DH getting a 2nd job would probably backfire because BM can go back to court and get him for MORE money since it's based on income earned. I have learned to live without the CS. YES, it could help us greatly if we didn't have to pay it, but there's no point in crying over spilled milk. He pays what he has to pay and I deal with it the best way I can. In 10 years he won't have to pay anymore and that'll be that. Seems like a long time from now, but I'm going on 11 years with him and it seems to have flown by.
I sympathize with your pain.
I sympathize with your pain. I know when I met my H, his CS was through the roof. I did a LOT of legal research on his behalf and the next time BM took him to court to raise the CS, we actually got it LOWERED.
Yeah, that earned a phone call from a screaming BM once she got back from her month-long vacation to find out that her gravy train was getting SMALLER!
But even so, I had a hard time dealing with the fact that our household (2 FT working adults, 1 child) had a harder time surviving than BM's household (1 non-working BM and 2 skids)! Especially when your newest car is 20 years older than the new one BM just bought.
Over time, it became just another bill. It is automatically taken out of H's checks so I don't even have to deal with it at all.
I learned how to squeeze every penny until it SCREAMED. I read every book I could find at the library on decreasing your expenses. I also chose to go back to college FT while still working FT. I earned my degree and got a higher paying job.
Now when CS ends soon, we will be SO much better off than BM who has never had to budget much in her life at all.
Good for you!! I think you
Good for you!! I think you are amazing to go to work FT and school FT. I was working FT and going to school PT and it was killing me. Good for you though!
I just said to DH the other
I just said to DH the other day that the only thing that brings me a slighest happiness is knowing the BM has no earning potential and yeah, she might be living a great life now but once her kids are grown, she will have NOTHING! I'm curious to see where she ends up in 14 yrs. I also try to save as much as possible whenever we can but BM does NOTHING for SS so we always end up buying shoes, clothes, haircuts, etc. so we are paying twice for him and have 2 other children to pay for. And I know we will be in a better place when the support ends but I feel bad that I can't offer the life I would like to for my bio kids.
Stepmomto2, I think this is
Stepmomto2, I think this is an AWESOME reply to this post.
I still honestly have problems with the fact that my FDH pays out massive CS$$ to BM (to the tune of $1,500/mo. tax-free for 2 skids), that we pay ALL of skids' health insurance, etc... Meanwhile, we share true joint custody (50/50) with BM - skids LIVE WITH US 4 days/week, then 3 days/week alternating. It's been YEARS, but I have the most difficult time with this topic in this crazy stepparenting world than ANY OTHER TOPIC, quite frankly. Sigh...1.5 more years of CS left for FSD16.5 (unless she goes to college full-time, then add 4 years) and 4.5 more years of CS left for FSS13.5 (unless he goes to college full-time, then add 4 years). Sometimes it seems like there will NEVER be a "light" at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
Yep, I agree with you wholeheartedly. The BEST way to combat the "CS blues" (or any other step-related annoyances) is just to live THE BEST LIFE POSSIBLE you can for yourself - concentrate on increasing YOUR HAPPINESS, YOUR EDUCATION, YOUR INCOME and meeting YOUR GOALS and attaining YOUR DREAMS. It's damn hard, I know, but it's the BEST way to survive it all.
Because some day...one day...the BM's Gravy Train will come to it's final destination. She'll be SCREWED (just like you said with your BM - ours has NO SAVINGS, a TON OF DEBT, bad credit, barely a nursing certificate from a bubble gum machine, etc...). Unless, of course, she finds another Sugar Daddy that she can get her grubby, leeching paws into by that time, to take care of her for the rest of her life. Observing her past track record, I'm sure that's exactly what she'll do.
Once the massive CS$$ to BM comes to the end - Milomom will be THE HAPPIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD!! Whoo hoo!! Making it to the end of all this will truly feel like a VICTORY and a huge accomplishment in my life!! It's like enduring the longest marathon ever - and actually making it to the finish line, a little tired and bruised, but overall feeling ALIVE AND HAPPY!!
Can't wait until the LAST CS$$ (a/k/a legalized embezzlement) payment! What in the world will we do with an extra $1,500/month?!? The possibilities are ENDLESS and just the thought makes me VERY EXCITED!!
I don't have anything
I don't have anything brillaint to say or a good solution for your particular situation but I just wanted to say that I, along with SO MANY women who watch their husband shell out untold amounts of $ because their greedy BM's take advantage of the system, can only bear it because I love my husband so much. To overcome the unfairness and the sting of it and the sometimes RAGE it makes us feel... we have to just somehow make our DH's worth it.
Because if we don't find ways to cope it will drive us INSANE. CS is sometimes the most disgusting, unfair, infuriating thing a person can be subjected to and there is not a damn thing most of us can do about it! Makes me crazy sometimes.
You have my sympathy consfusedSM11!!!! I think the most heinous part of yours is that BMs kids were never in daycare and yours will need to be in day care full time so that you can earn enough $ to overcome the CS. It's like YOU are working to pay BM to say home... and that would drive me insane the most of all.
^^^I agree with vera3 - we
^^^I agree with vera3 - we all can understand and empathize with you.^^^
Sorry, I mean that BMs will
Sorry, I mean that BMs will no longer be in daycare and that yours will be, is what I meant to say.
Wow, you ladies have
Wow, you ladies have expressed some truly beautiful attitudes toward such an ugly subject. You're all awesome!!
My DH has custody of his kids so he doesn't pay CS, BM doesn't either though. He shelled out about $50,000 to her in the three years he did have to pay. So I'm glad to have read all of the ways you're coping with it.
Yes, it was hell to deal with
Yes, it was hell to deal with for many years. DH paid mega CS and 50% medical, also 50% daycare for 2 skids whose BM did not work. She married a man who promptly quit his job and moved in his 20 year old son who also didn't work. So 3 adults & 2 kids in a house where the only income was CS paid by my DH. We were scraping by with no $$ for extras while BM drove new cars, had premium cable, great vacations and always the latest laptop & cellphone. That was years ago. We have one month left of CS.
Skid tells us how hard it will be for her BM & SDad when the CS ends. BM is now working 2 jobs, her hubby still sits on his butt all day. They have no retirement, no health insurance and their utilities are about to be cut off.
Karma is a mean b!t@h and I think she was once a stepmother, too!
AHHH Still have Hope!!! I
AHHH Still have Hope!!! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this: "Karma is a mean b!t@h and I think she was once a stepmother, too!"
OMG, I've NEVER had a "signature" on my Steptalk account before, but I think I just FOUND my new signature thanks to you!!
Man, I really can't wait for that Karma bus to hit BM HARD once the massive CS$$ obligation to her ends!
I'm still SO excited for you, Still have Hope, that you only have 1 month left of CS!!! Whoo hoo!!!! YAY!!!!
What keeps me going is to
What keeps me going is to know that bm really has nothing lined up for herself when the CS stops too. There are rummers that she is going to an online school somehting to do with medical?? But even then she is trying to say she is disabled and I am willing to bet she is trying to get disability.
But when the CS stops we will have only 3 years left to pay off our house and we will be step up. We only buy cars when we save up the money to pay them off. We have been trying our best to have NO debt. That is what keeps me going knowing that we will only be paying our utilities in 10 years!
Yes, purpledaisies, same
Yes, purpledaisies, same here!!! BM went and got some kind of bubble-gum machine nursing certificate (how she got that I have no idea since she's as dumb as rocks - I feel bad for the old people she "cares" for) and now I've heard from the skids that she's doing an "online" program to get her Nursing Degree?? God help the nursing profession. She already failed out of a community college after 1 semester, so I really don't understand how people like that can POSSIBLY be awarded a degree, even if it's online. She's been working on this "2 yr. degree" thing for about, oh, over 7 YEARS now!! Grrrr!!!!! Meanwhile, we have 50% custody of the skids and she only works part-time to begin with (translation: when she feels the urge to) - she basically lives off the CS$$.
However, we are doing the SAME thing as you (not as our BM)! Our Goal: both our mortgages paid IN FULL (my house that I rented out when I moved in with FDH and his house) and NO DEBT whatsoever!
Once the massive CS$$ payments end, this goal will be achieved A LOT sooner than later. Right now, we have either 4.5 years of CS left or 8.5 years (depending on if skids go to school full-time for 4 yrs after high school). Either way, my FDH will be close to having his mortgage paid off by then and I'll only have about another 5 years or so on my mortgage. We are doing everything possible to pay our mortgages down FASTER (my FDH works more hours than ANY PERSON I've ever MET, including myself! And I was a "workaholic" in my day and was raised by workaholic parents!!!), so that we have easier lives when we're in our 50's and hopefully, we'll be able to think about retiring when we feel like it (not keep working because we have to).
I hope that BM rots in hell (not literally) after CS$$ ends and that she has NOTHING to show for when she's older (like she does now) and I hope that she has a ROUGHER TIME when she's older than we do now to try to make ends meet and support herself. It'll be the FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE that she's EVER FINANCIALLY SUPPORTED HERSELF, EVER!!! Think about that! That concept itself is MIND-BLOWING!
Oh, but WAIT, she'll still be able to collect a SOCIAL SECURITY check when she RETIRES just because she STRETCHED OUT THE DIVORCE for 3 years, so that she was considered "legally married" to FDH for 10 years!! :sick: :sick: :sick: Pretty ridiculous how the US govt. will STILL be "footing the bill" for all these lazy BM's in the future! The ONLY thing is, if she gets REMARRIED before she is of retirement age, then she'll no longer be entitled to SS retirement $ from my FDH's hard work. I highly doubt, though, she'll find ANY MAN STUPID ENOUGH to marry her - she can't even keep one around for more than a few months.
Yep purple, same here. BM
Yep purple, same here. BM doesn't get a massive amt for support. BUT she will feel it when she doesn't get it anymore. I'm guessing that if we could legally stop paying SD's (age, probably not going to college) then she will try to up support for SS. After that, she will miss that money.
We refuse to let the
We refuse to let the situation upset us. Would it be helpful if we had that extra money in our pockets? Absolutely. There is nothing we can do about it, and DH rightfully owes that money to help support his kid. We have 10 years left to pay and I can almost promise in 10 years, BM will be working for the same crappy ass "daycare" making the same crappy ass salary and will be no better off than she is today. All the while, DH and I are pinching pennies and living within our means and are both going back to school for degrees...so yes, I'll take him paying CS to the worthless wonder to support the ungrateful SD every month because eventually it WILL stop and we'll be doing JUST fine
That is EXACTLY how I feel.
That is EXACTLY how I feel. The second shouldn't be punished because of the first so I did my research and did some calculations. The conclusion I came to is with the my unemployment and my DH job, I would actually be getting the same amount if we divorced so technically DS1 isn't losing out. But when they compare first child/second child support the daycare costs are not included so that drops DH support by $200 a month. Either way, I know we don't spend $650 a month on DS1 so I can't imagine how she NEEDS $650 a month. I'm sorry but she left him and if SHE wants to give the child the same quality of life that he would have had if they were together, then SHE should provide it! I gave up hope on a reduction after so much time and energy went into research and I came up empty handed. The laws are really ass backwards. Yes, he should pay support but when she is clearly NOT taking care of the kid, its very frustrating. But she sure is going on 2 week long vacations this year (last yr it was 3) but SS4 has had the same shoes for two years and no hair cut in MONTHS. grrr this subject gets me so annoyed lol