I'm dating a wonderful man who is quite a bit older than me. He's been divorced for 25 years, he adopted a daughter with his ex who is extremely mentally handicapped, and who is now 29 yrs old. For the past 25 years, he picked up his daughter every Monday and Wednesday night and spent several hours with her. He also had her every other weekend starting on Friday night. I can understand a custody arrangement like this for a young child, but it never ended. She's 29 and has the same arrangement, because she is mentally handicapped /autistic and both my BF and his ex relate to her at her mental age - about 6 or 7.

I'm at my breaking point. I feel like this custody arrangement is excessive. The daughter is incapable of doing most activities that we would want to do on the weekend with us, far beyond even what a 6 or 7 year old would be unable to do. For instance, we went to an amusement park with a pool one weekend with her - she spent almost the entire time crying and whining that she wanted to go home, she doesn't like going on most rides, and wouldn't come in the pool. My BF wants to be sensitive to her and therefore, HE wouldn't come in the pool, HE couldn't go on any rides really with me because he has to keep her by him the whole time, etc. It was a miserable weekend, I feel like a third wheel when she is around because he is totally focused on her and meeting her needs and my job becomes supporting him. When she is at his apartment with us, she watches movies dominating the television, and she rewinds the movie every 10 seconds or so and watches the same segment about 20 times before moving on to the next segment. When we try to visit friends, she will bring her portable DVD player along and watch that, and she'll turn it up way loud to the point where everyone is asking him to turn her down - I've asked him to get headphones for her but he objects, saying that giving her headphones cuts her off from the social environment and is like putting her aside in a corner somewhere. But she isn't interacting with anyone anyway, she's just being loud and disruptive. He says on occasions that other people need to learn how to be sensitive to people with disabilities. *sigh* You know, I know he's right, but, she still drives me CRAZY half the time...

He sees her every other weekend. Which means we can never plan anything that isn't catered to her, every other weekend. She loves the opera for some strange reason and the orchestra and ballet - and sometimes he will take her to these events even on weekends he DOESN'T have her, thus even on those weekends I can't plan anything with him on those days. (BTW, I totally hate opera and am only the least bit mildly interested in orchestra and ballet.) We tried taking her to a theater production that I thought I could be interested in, but she only whined her way through it consistently asking to go home or call Mommy.

She is not completely potty trained, as she requires assistance in the bathroom. She also needs him to dress and undress her. This totally weirds me out because she has an adult body and she is ADOPTED. He says he doesn't think of her body but it still totally weirds me out. She's only about 7 years younger than me.

We've talked about putting her in a residential facility, and would that change how often he feels he needs to see her? Right now she lives with the ex. And the ex has him come into her house everytime he picks up or drops the SD off, and wants to talk to him for 10 minutes at a time, often about stuff like "come see the artwork I just made" or "come hang out by the pool" or whatever. Ex is remarried, but has made it clear that if her new husband dies that she still wants my BF. He says that he is trying to keep the peace with her and be civil, and that he has to go into her house everytime he picks up/drops off daughter because of this that or the other thing (not letting dog run out of house, not letting air conditioning get out of house, needing to carry bags into house, etc...) He has stuck around to help her husband with issues with their house, etc. She has taken him aside and told him that I'm ugly, smelly, etc and made it clear she doesn't like me.

I feel rotten because here he is, being a loving and wonderful father to his SD, but I feel like she is a constant connection to the ex which drives me batty, and also, the SD is the focus of attention the entire time she is around and pretty much gets her way all the time, because she is mentally retarded and can't understand not getting her way, and cries and whines nonstop when she doesn't get her way. And I feel bad for her that she is mentally retarded, and deserves to be loved, and have a family, and so forth, and I'm just so conflicted...

When she's with us, she constantly asks when she can go home to the ex. She contantly asks to call Mommy on the phone. Half the time she doesn't even want to come to his place. But he's trying to be a "good dad" and feels that eventually she will be in a facility somewhere, and has to get used to being away from Mommy's house anyway, so that is one more good reason to consistently have to come to his house.

I just feel like this arrangement is excessive, but what do I know? I've never had any kids. I love this man so much and don't want to lose him, but I am so torn up inside whenever I am around her for any length of time. She never stops talking to herself or running DVD's in 10 sec increments, and it drives me batty, and he and I start fighting over a zillion things involving her, and I'm losing my mind. He says he wants her in a facility but has no control over it because since she lives with mom, it's up to mom when she gets put in a facility. I'm dying here. Am I nuts? Should I have no problem with any of this and am i wrong for being stressed out?

Heather