She wished him "happy anniversary"
Hi all
I'm new to this site but have been a long time browser. I have recently married a guy with 2 kids, SD9 and SD7. His ex left him, just tired of the relationship, but when he started dating me she got crazy. She wanted him back but wouldn't give up her boyfriend until he gave me up. Became very manipulative with the children, told them terrible stuff about me, that daddy loves asheeha more than them, "I want daddy to come back but he just won't". Really ignorant damaging comment. Then has a child with this other guy and expects DH to come back to her. She gave the child his surname and told him she'd tell everybody it's his. CRAZY Btw, DH has had a vasectomy. DH was so filled with guilt back then he didn't see how ridiculous BM's offer was and felt bad for the baby...sigh...needless to say we had some rocky times and I left him for a bit so he could get his head screwed on straight.
SD 9 was diagnosed with depression and both girls are in therapy. We are in litigation to get more visitation time and BM wants more child support.
DH is GREAT! Has problems with guilt parenting but we have discussed it and I have to remind him but he always turns around and does most of the heavy discipline stuff. And he is always supportive of me.
Needless to say lots of garbage is always going around.
BM asked DH not to get married, "for the girls sake" the day before the wedding, and called the girls a couple of times during the wedding.
I could go on and on, but I won't.
This most recent event has caused me to post. We have the girls for the 2 week visitation for the summer. He is non-custodial dad with every other weekend. SD9 comes in and says mom and dad's anniversary is in 4 days. This irritated me, her BM knows she is depressed, SD9 has been hurt deeply by the divorce, but our wedding really helped her start moving on from the fantasy of BM and DH getting back together. Now BM is telling SD9 about their wedding anniversary. UGH...AND THEN BM TEXTS DH "happy anniversary"
I want to text back and say, "I don't celebrate dead relationships, you're pathetic, move on!" But DH says nothing will do any good, so he just ignores it.
I listened to a conversation they had after we were engaged, after a while BM asks DH, "will you take me back?" DH says, "no". She asks again in the same breath, "Will you take me back?" DH is silent, says nothing, BM says..."DH?" DH responds that he's on the phone still. She asks again, "Will you take me back?" DH is completely frustrated and you can tell in his voice when he says, "NO". BM then asks exasperated, "do you know any good guys?"
He he's clearly told her he doesn't want her for two years now and she is still not moving on.
I need to find a way to let her antics not get to me. But have you experienced the BMs in your life or have you ever wished your ex husband's "happy anniversary" on the day you were married. Maybe it's not as bizarre as I feel like it is.
Thanks for letting me vent! 
I have gone through the exact
I have gone through the exact same thing with SO's crazy BM. She would send him texts telling him that she still loved him, send him pictures of herself, called SO's mother bawling and harassing her, had her father call SO asking him to get back together with her, has called SO begging him not to let me move in, has had her father call SO and ask the same thing on Fathers Day, has been seen at our house while both SO and I were at work by our neighbors on multiple occasions, has sat outside the house at 3 am, this list can go on and on. And yes the first year we were together she sent SO a text on their old wedding anniversary stating the exact same thing that your crazy BM has stated.
All of this caused huge issues in our relationship.My SO took almost the same approach only he would respond to all the I'm still in love with you texts. He would tell her that he is happy where he's at and she needed to move on. But of course when you're dealing with a complete nut job you can't be tactful which he now understands.
What caused the issue in our relationship is that my SO was not setting clear and defined boundaries, was letting her disrespect me, and disrespect out relationship.
There is no reason for the BM in your life to be texting or calling unless it's kid related. She is no longer his wife and she has lost that previlege. It does no good to confront these crazies, I know, I did it. Do you want to know what her response was? Those texts are none of your business. Really?? In her warped little mind she actually thought that they had some sort of secret relationship going on.
Here's what SO and I have done to minimize her BS. She is only allowed to contact SO unless it's kid related. In an emegency she can call. SO always allows it to go to voice mail first and then listens to the message. If it's not an emergency he doesn't respond. Texts are only neccessay if there is an emegency schedule change or if the kids want to talk with him while they are with her. If it's neither he doesn't respond. Everything else kid related goes through email. If SO feels it's important he responds if not he doesn't. Every time crazy crosses one of the boundaries SO sends an email letting her know yet again how all future contact will go. When SO first sent an email stating how contact would be she replied with a thats humorious. Here's the thing, SO had control of the situation. No matter how she tried it didn't work and he would call her out on it in emails basically documenting her carziness. She has finally moved on. Atleast I hope she has. She still tries to pull her crap occasionally but SO and I have a plan on how to deal with it now.
This bothers you because you're human. Some other chick, ex wife or not, is telling your SO that she still loves him. It p!ssed me off as it does you. You have every right to be p!ssed in this situation. The fact he does nothing to eleminate the issue is disrespectful to you and your relationship. I can understand where you're coming from.
You need to sit your SO down and explaine how this makes you feel and ask him that he do something about it. Here's the tricky part. Once, if he's willing, the boundaries are in place he needs to enforce them. Everytime he gets on the phone with her or texts her back regardless of if he is saying no the only thing that she sees is that he's responding to her, giving her attention. That there's still some hope that they will get back together. That's why minimal contact is the best contact. If it not kid related then it's not important in your lives. She will get the point after a while.
It amazes me how many of
It amazes me how many of these BMs have no self respect. To text, call, or anything that smells of desperation......their children are picking up on this guaranteed as well.
Our BM did this as well, DH had to have minimal contact and very clear boundaries that he had to enforce. Like 2 year olds - you give an inch to some of these women, you lose ground because then they have a glimmer of hope "their men" will come back. And sadly, most of them don't see how any of their exes could honestly be happy with anyone else, because they were the 1st, they had the 1st children, yada yada yada.
I've always seen it as she may have had his past, but I have his present and his future - so who wins? ME
BM has never come out and
BM has never come out and wished him a Happy Anniversary, but she does occassionally text him on that day and tell him "today is hard". I usually have to remind him of what she is talking about. They didn't even make it to their 1 year anniversary. She blew up his phone that day.
It is very sad that she is putting her kid through that. I think your DH should talk to her about that. It isn't healthy, and it isn't helping.
My dh ex is nuttier than a
My dh ex is nuttier than a fruit cake. Last year my mil was in the hospital. She had been ill for several years and on dialysis. She had a massive heart attack, she was on life support but, we were told by the doctor, there was no hope. She would never come out of the coma.
My mil told us that previously, while she was under heavy sedation she could hear us talking to her. She knew we were there. I called my bio-kids and held the phone up to mil's ear and let each of them say goodbye and they loved her, mil and my children(not with dh) were very close. She treated them like her biograndkids, even better actually.
Dh then asked if I would do the same for his girls, he was very distruaght, his mother was dying. And three weeks prior we lost his grandmother to a heartattack as well.
I get psycho BM on the phone explain what is going on, she puts the girls on the phone, they say their goodbyes. She then asks to speak to Dh. We are sitting in a very small ICU room, me on his lap, tyring to console him. I hand him the phone. And what I hear come outta her mouth makes me see red!
"Oh, Dh I'm so sorry I broke our family up, I love you so much" WTF, did you seriously just tell MY husband, who's mother is dying you are sorry for being a lying, cheating, whore!?! And you "love him so much"!! I had to leave the room because he handed me the phone to deal with her. And boy did I ever deal with her! Then when I was through dh's aunt took the phone and let her have it some more! Lmao needless to say, she no longer speaks to my Dh, all communication is done through ME!
Thanks ladies. I lose it
Thanks ladies. I lose it sometimes and it makes DH feel absolutely terrible. But she does respond to his boundaries when he sets them. She clearly has zero boundaries and zero respect for our marriage let alone relationship. He will try anything I suggest. He's just fed up with her and puts her in a crazy box. The catch 22 is, do we respond and give her the "glimmer of hope" because he's talking to her, or not respond and let her imagine that he still loves her but can't say it.
I really want them to go to an email only form of communication. Unfortunately, she doesn't have email or a computer. Her mother, who lives next door to her, has a computer and internet access but BM won't do anything for DH to make his life easier. But even still we may have more power than we think. Thanks for the ideas, it really helps to talk things through. And I'm so tired of using up my family and friends, I feel like I've become a real drag for the past 2 years.
It's as though you have to get used to a whole new way of living/thinking.
Thanks again, all the comments have been very good for me.
The EX is CRAZY.....I said
The EX is CRAZY.....I said CRAZY... You are better off not dealing with crazy. Let your DH deal with her as much as you can. Keep conversations to a minimum. You cannot win with crazy. Dont even try. You will wear yourself out. She will get extreme pleasure in wearing you out... Best advice i can give you it to remove yourself from the situation if you can. I swear you will have more peace...Dont' waste the time in trying to figure her out or make it better for everyone...make your DH do that part.
My exH calls me daily to tell
My exH calls me daily to tell me that he loves me. He also sends flowers on the old anniversary. My DH handles this very well as we have both become numb to it and we just ignore it. I hate it but it doesn't look like he's going to stop anytime soon.
To the original poster: Bm gave the baby your DH's last name?? But the baby is not his? That would REEEEEAAALLLLLLLYYYYYYY be a problem for me. A BIG ONE!
About 6 years ago BM got
About 6 years ago BM got pregnant. She ended up having an abortion BUT, when she told DH she was pregnant (her original intent was to keep the baby) the very first thing he said was "THAT KID IS NOT TO HAVE MY LAST NAME, it's bad enough YOU have it". Then he went on to tell ask her how she expected to financially support another kid. You wanna know what she took away from that conversation??? She seriously emailed me the next day telling me (yeah ME) that the fact that DH asked how she expected to support another kid, proves to her that he still cares about her. :jawdrop: REALLY??? I am sure if she would have gone through with it and had the kid, she would have given it our last name. And there was nothing DH could do about it. Sick.
yes, that's correct. The
yes, that's correct. The baby isn't his and she gave it her last name. But really she gave the child 3 last names. The first name is her maiden name, the middle name is the BD's last name and the last name is our name...and hers. I was very disturbed and we get questions all the time about the baby and whose it is. Everybody assumes it's DH's and she has made no attempt to explain it to the SD9 and SD7. This has caused some needless confusion for the kids.
BM got pregnant less than 9 months after the divorce and fully expected DH to run back to her and save her. I truly feel that if she were tested she'd have a personality disorder.
It bothered me a lot more when I found out about the name. DH didn't think much about it, thought that it might be better for the boy to have the same name as his siblings so he didn't feel left out. DH parents have never divorced and he has no understanding. When I brought it to DH attention that BM might one day get married and his girls most likely will too, this child will be left with a name that he has no familial relationship too. It won't matter much however, either way. The boys BD is still in the picture and crazy about him, maybe the boy will just adopt his middle name as his last name when he gets older.
Funny thing: BM used the baby's last name to exclude me to the children. I wasn't "their" last name so I wasn't anything to them. But as soon as I got married and took on DH last name, just by that act, I immediately became "family" in their minds. That was really nice.
There is nothing anybody can legally do about a last name. The mother has full control over which last name she gives the child and it can be a made up name. The child will automatically receive her last name unless she specifies a different one. Yeah...it bothered me enough to research it.
I never confront BM, I always confront DH and he does it. She was his bad choice, not mine, she's hateful and mean but in a subtle passive aggressive way in public. The only dealings I have with her is in public, and she makes sure everyone knows what she thinks of me.
To SD7 soccer coach she referred to me as the "new Mrs. DH" and herself as the "old Mrs. DH". I asked her questions and she pretends not to hear, juvenile stuff like that. She can scream her head off to DH but she usually stays under control in public and that is the only time I am around her.
Sorry, see the above post, it
Sorry, see the above post, it answers your question...still figuring this out.
"The catch 22 is, do we
"The catch 22 is, do we respond and give her the "glimmer of hope" because he's talking to her, or not respond and let her imagine that he still loves her but can't say it."
I'm sorry but the answer is easy. She is not a part of your relationship. She is the mother of his kid(s). That's it. Who cares if she imagines that your SO still loves her. It's your life not hers. She needs to move on and if she can't then it's no concern of yours.