When I married my DH his oldest daughter was 18 years old. She had almost died from anorexia when she was very young (seven years old) but she had been stable for years - but it was obvious that she was still on shaky ground.

We were worried about how she would fair at college, but she did very well.

She got her degree and is working at a job she loves, and she seems to be doing well, but you can tell she is very careful to watch how much she eats, and if she eats a lot, she makes sure she exercises to burn it off. She is very controlled about this. She keeps herself in the "normal" range of weight for her height and age, but she is just barely inside the normal range.

She seems obsessed with looking at herself in photographs. Possibly to check if she is looking "thin" enough?

She just got married this past weekend, and my DH has been very concerned that her husband (whom she lived with for two years before they married) is not really understanding what it means to be in a relationship with someone who has anorexic tendencies.

Her mother does all she can (goes overboard) to coddle her. Her husband seems to be a nice young man, but too willing to give in to my DH's daughter. And he seems oblivious to how manipulated he is. If she gets challenged (you disagree with her opinions, or try to speak with her about inappropriate behavior) she gets very, VERY defensive and angry and attacks you.

This is part of the underlying anorexic personality type. They are very "shame prone" personalities. They don't seem to be able to empathize with other peoples perspective, and if you challenge them on anything, no matter how gently you do it, they feel that you are telling them that they are ALL BAD, and worthless, and they can't seem to separate their BEHAVIOR from their sense of self-worth. Instead of saying, "Oh well, I made a mistake, I guess I should do it another way - or try again"...or say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you" - they obsess about how worthless they are, and how people must think badly of them, etc. because their behavior wasn't "perfect".

To keep from taking responsibility for their own behavior and how to deal with the feelings that come with having to admit yourwere wrong, they can attack the person who "offended" them by bringing the subject up. They will get very angry, and can start demanding you treat them in a special way. At least this is what my DH's daughter is doing now. Her mother and brother go out of their way to coddler her, and protect her from her own bad behavior, and they don't seem to see that they could help by trying to get her to think about how her behavior can affect others. To try and imagine the situation from the other persons point-of-view. To empathize with others.

My DH tried to approach his daugther and her fiance before their marriage and calmly and lovingly discuss his concerns with them, but his daughter could only yell, "How can you do this to ME"? She also said that he "Hurt her very badly" by wanting to speak to her and her fiance about his concerns.

Now my DH has been given "rules" of engagement on how he is allowed to speak to his daughter. He has been told by his daughter that he cannot send her any mail. He can only say "positive" "happy" things to her, and he is not allowed to give advice, or input into her life.

If she is like this with her father, what is going to happen if she and her new husband - in the years to come after the romance has worn off a bit - do if they have a serious disagreement in their marriage? Either he will have to do like the mother and brother have done for years, or he will have to deal with her possibly relapsing and going back to her anorexic behavior.

We know that we can't do anything - but give her "exactly" what she wants. So we are doing to the LETTER. Hopefully, she will come to realize how foolish her demand are. My DH doesn't send birthday cards, or any other holiday cards. He doesn't ask her any questions about her life. If he is speaking to her, he only lets her tell him what she chooses to tell him. He is not willing to try and navigate the minefield she has created as to what he is and not allowed to say. She has already seen that this makes communication difficult, but she hasn't removed her rules. He is polite and loving in his talking to her, but their communication is very shallow and impersonal. She flounders and searches for things to tell him, but she insists on continuing in this farse. He will only say "That's nice honey" or "That sounds fun" etc...

My question is, has anyone else had experience dealing with an anorexic daugher or step-daughter? Please share any helpful information you can on the subject. My DH was told by the therapists and "ex" anorexics that it is unknown who will be able to stay in recovery, and who will relapse if life gets too stressful for them.

Your experienced insight on the subject is appreciated.

Again, we know we can't do anything - but if we have information, if needed in the future, he might be able to help - if asked. We truely feel it isn't a matter of "if" something will happen, but "when" a problem will arise. Being prepared would help - just in case he is asked to help.