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Not fair.....

helen17's picture

Submitted by helen17 on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 10:33am

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What really upsets me reading all these posts is how step parents seem to be such lovely caring people who take on somebody elses children (often due to bios lack of interest) and they try so hard to help nututre them, accept them into their homes, and guide them in life, but yet just get dumped on and disrespected repeatedy! Why??? We as step parents, all seem like intelligent, thoughful, loving people so why are the majority of us treated with disrespect by these kids often with an 'Guilty Parent' in the form a new husband or SO who can't seem to bring themselves to step up and deal with things in order to create a happy peaceful home????

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Submitted by CalgonTakeMeAway on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 10:51am

Nope, definitely not fair. I think for some of these dads, they're afraid of losing the love of their children. So many of the BMs PAS the kids, so dads feel they have to give in to the kid's every demand or they'll lose them. Some just have no backbone and it's easier pissing off their SO/spouse than have to deal with an out of control kid. So much of the time, we end up resenting the kids who are victims in all this. Yup, it sucks!

Flutterby's picture

Submitted by Flutterby on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 11:12am

On a day to day basis when "things are running smoothly" for me, all is well. SD15 lives with us fulltime (sad face).

By default, as an adult, the responsibilty, whether I like it or not is expected when all is good.
The minute something goes wrong on a major level, I don't count. It is always between mum and dad.

I have been the one to catch her out with lying, being deceitful even though she comes across to everyone else that she is a "really nice girl". All in all it's teenager stuff and not that serious compared to some.

Her father will always treat her as daddy's little girl and I get that, her mother (who is ok, but I don't understand her because she's on the guilt trip.) I would like to see SD15 grow up with some responsibilty and values of what the real world is like.

The difficulty is how much do you say or do, or don't do, as the case may be to make living under the one roof, happy for all involved. I am learning, adjusting (and manipulating) everday!!!

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 11:21am

Blended families are hard work; I think/know being a Stepparent is the hardest job - more so then being a BioP! We have SD14 and I have discovered that - while I am "there" for SD - I have NO desire to be the one to decide anything. I leave that up to DH - I enforce his decision and am there with an ear or advice if he needs it. Her nor my BK talk or treat me rudely - I watch them especially SD treat DH like a piece of SH** - he screams at her then 10 min later she walks our the door?!?!?!? He looks at me - gives me a pathetic excuse for her - and I think Whatever!! It's not me........lol I have tried so many times to get her on the right path and argued with DH numerous times that I just can't do it anymore! I love DH and if this is what it takes to make it work until she turns 18 - so be it! Right or wrong to anyone else; I don't care! It works for our family.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Submitted by stepfamilyfriend on Wed, 09/14/2011 - 1:10pm

I think it's partly so hard because hardly anyone tries to think what it's like in someone else's shoes. That seems true for bios, for steps, for kids. We're all wrapped up in the poor me I am so good and how come nobody gets it. I see it , I read it. As the adults we should display more empathy than we can expect from kids. Beyond that, we need to make it clear from the beginning what behaviors we will not go for. During the honeymoon stage we are all too willing to show how we can handle it and we set the stage for problems to come.